cdt76 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 So I was divorced in 2007, had a severely bad breakup with a girlfriend in 2009, another bad break up in the beginning of this year. Since 2007, I've dated countless trainwrecks, broken, distraught, inconsiderate, selfish, messed up, lost, bitchy, spoiled women and a few nice ones along the way that just didn't trigger the sparks. I'm 42. A father but the kids now live out of state. Moved home to my home town in 2012 and don't know many people. I have a nice career with the feds, nice house and a ton of time on my hands. Online dating is a massive failure and I had more success on myspace back in the day than with OLD in general. My question is, if I give up looking for love, how will it ever find me? If I give up looking for that special someone, what do I do with all my free time and free energy? Since I work for the feds, not getting paid last couple of weeks really sucked and put a damper on my entertainment funds and so extracurricular activities that cost money won't be happening anytime soon. I don't want to grow old and be alone. That's probably my biggest fear in life. But I think I have to give up in order to keep from being depressed and needy. I work out and am in really ridiculously really good shape, so that isn't the issue. I guess, I need help filling my excruciatingly large amount of free time because if I'm idle, I drink and drive myself crazy. Help anyone?
ScienceGal Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Have you thought about why you're not attracted to the "nice" women? Perhaps you're only getting involved with the wrong kind of women; therefore, putting yourself in impossible situations. I'm doing some reflecting on my mate choices, many if which were poor decisions. I've passed nice guys by too. I'm taking responsibility rather than blaming the exes though. I'm choosing to not date while I sort this all out and do some soul searching. But, I'm not giving up. I'm just taking a much needed hiatus. Just a thought. 1
Author cdt76 Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 Have you thought about why you're not attracted to the "nice" women? Perhaps you're only getting involved with the wrong kind of women; therefore, putting yourself in impossible situations. I'm doing some reflecting on my mate choices, and many were poor decisions. I'm taking responsibility rather than blaming the exes though. I'm choosing to not date while I sort this all out and do some soul searching. But, I'm not giving up. I'm just taking a much needed hiatus. OHHHH yes. I've tried to ask the right questions. Tried to be the open, honest, nonjudgemental guy I am. I will admit that I have chosen by appearances first, chemistry second. One has to be attracted to the other but if chemistry isn't there, it's over. The problem I find is that these women lie to themselves just as much as they lie to me. I went on one date with a woman who was CLEARLY still in love with her (ex) boyfriend. I asked her why the hell she was on a dating website in the first place and her answer was "I don't know". It's really hard to find someone my age, yet who is in shape, doesn't use the whole "I'm so independent, I don't need anyone" BS and who is attractive. It seems the combination I'm looking for may not exist. I've taken breaks, pauses, re-examined everything. While the problem may start with me choosing based on looks first, the reasons the women don't last have little to do with my own actions or behaviors. The last girl I dated, got pregnant by another man. So there you go.
Copelandsanity Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Don't be too hard on yourself. Be self-compassionate. Finding someone special should not be your top priority right now. It should be developing the habits necessary to be leading a healthy and happy life outside of having a significant other: clean nutrition, meaningful social interaction (find new friends), getting enough sleep, exercising, exposing yourself to sunshine, and filling up your free time with interests and hobbies. Be able to achieve those items every single day for awhile before you start looking for someone.
Copelandsanity Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I noticed you mention OLD. I hope that isn't your primary means of dating. OLD should only be an option amongst a number of them to meet and date people. Something that you have to deal with in OLD is a disproportionate amount of emotionally unavailable and unstable individuals.
Author cdt76 Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 I noticed you mention OLD. I hope that isn't your primary means of dating. OLD should only be an option amongst a number of them to meet and date people. Something that you have to deal with in OLD is a disproportionate amount of emotionally unavailable and unstable individuals. Well, unfortunately, it's pretty much my only source. I mean, unless I want to look like the old creeper dude having a drink at the bar by himself. I don't have any single friends here. They are all married. I mean, where does a 42 year old man go to meet single people? Hobbies? I took up boxing years ago but that's a man's sport for the most part and I train in a all male gym. Other than that, I work out at the gym but I've not once, ever started a conversation with a girl at the gym. I don't even know if it's appropriate to try it there. My world is happy. I'm happy (for the most part). Struggling to come to grips with the fact that I'm not 28 anymore and that I have no friends here. I mean at some point, I have to leave my house right?
Copelandsanity Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Well, unfortunately, it's pretty much my only source. I mean, unless I want to look like the old creeper dude having a drink at the bar by himself. I don't have any single friends here. They are all married. I mean, where does a 42 year old man go to meet single people? Hobbies? I took up boxing years ago but that's a man's sport for the most part and I train in a all male gym. Other than that, I work out at the gym but I've not once, ever started a conversation with a girl at the gym. I don't even know if it's appropriate to try it there. My world is happy. I'm happy (for the most part). Struggling to come to grips with the fact that I'm not 28 anymore and that I have no friends here. I mean at some point, I have to leave my house right? Think about it this way. Online dating was unpopular, and also didn't exist not that long ago. Did people just stop trying and give up? No. You have to step outside of your comfort zone and try new things that are social and include women in them. It requires courage, a zest for life, and effort. That could mean attending Meetups, going to dance/gym/cooking classes, volunteering, or joining clubs, organizations, and social groups. Once you start doing these things and see the same people regularly, you naturally start making connections. You start making friendships. You get invited to even more events and gatherings than you can handle, or perhaps you organize your own. Your time is now filled with more meaning. The more and more you put yourself out there, the greater opportunity for you to organically meet someone special.
Author cdt76 Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 You make a lot of sense. However, I guess I'm at a loss as to how to network. I have no idea what clubs, organizations or clubs I would even want to do let alone be able to afford. I'll put some effort into looking into it. But I gotta say, I'm disheartened.
lookingforbalance Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 My thought has always been that if you do what you love, whether it is work or hobby or whatever, if you do it with passion, then love will find you. I think passion in our lives is what attracts members of the opposite sex. Problem is that when we are going through or just after a break up, we have no passion, even for the stuff we care about the most. Its like it has been robbed from us because of the rejection and hurt. Over time we have to find a way to replace that. We have to find a way to rejuvinate it over time. The only thing we can do is get out there and live life, let it flow again. Then confidence starts coming back, and that is a major attractive quality, especially to women. Also know what it is you want in a mate. If you are chasing the wrong woman, like I did in my last two relationships, you have to see the red flags and act upon them. You will get smarter about what you want with each relationship. No woman will ever be "the one", so don't approach it that way. Just know what you can and can not accept, then you don't find yourself hanging it all out there just to be crushed in the end. Do things to help build your confidence, whatever it is, and the women will flock. I completely understand your situation, I am 44 and divorced since 2003. One inquiry from your post, I am curious to know why you feel that online dating was a disaster. I have never tried, but have considered it in the past. Thanks for your input.
Author cdt76 Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 Online dating is filled with so many dysfunctional people, male and female. It's used as a meat market. I have come to find out that it's just such a lie. The profiles say one thing, the pictures and person then turn out to be something else. God, I'm getting depressed just thinking about it!
Frank13 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 (edited) I think it is safe to say based on this website that love never works. Sure there is the occasional success story (but often times with those, one person secretly wants out), but for the most part it is impossible for two people to stay in love. It seems someone gets their heart broken and someone wants out. I have been on both sides of the equation and I still can't decide which is worse. I don't think giving up looking for love is as much an option as it is the only thing to do. That special someone will never find you because they don't exist. If they do, they will end up leaving you anyway. Why put yourself through the pain when the end result is always the same? As an older person, I can tell you that the right person doesn't always come along. That there isn't always someone better for you. The only thing I can suggest is to get use to being alone. Oh, and buy a lottery ticket. The odds of winning are much better than the odds of a successful love relationship. Edited October 17, 2013 by Frank13 2
Mr Scorpio Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 It is absolutely an option. Buddhist monks do it. Catholic nuns do it. People who have had their hearts broken one too many times do it. If you give up on looking for it, there are countless ways that it might find you, or perhaps it will never find you. Nevertheless, there are countless ways you can spend your free time and energy. There are plenty of kids who could use a "bigger brother" mentor. There are plenty of charitable organizations that could use your time, effort, and money. Travel the world. Start a garden. Build a boat. Get your pilot's license. Go sky-diving. Learn an instrument. Write a novel. 1
ZipperZapper Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Some days I wonder if some people are simply not meant to be loved or wanted, and are only permitted to be forever pressing their faces up to the window, living on crumbs while everyone else eats at the banquet table.
Nikki Sahagin Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I don't know. I think people naturally kind of feel like 'giving up' on something when they have been hit by a few things that didn't work out. But it depends if it is something you want. If you WANT to be in a relationship, then no, I don't think you should give up. There are times when you should duck out, take a break, focus on other things, but give up? No.
LuvsTrucks2 Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I came across a quote today and I am relating it to relationships: Forget how much it hurts and try again!
Author cdt76 Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 That's all fine and good but the problem is that it doesn't hurt anymore. It's just dissappointment. Hurt is deeper and well, I haven't had a relationship that has ended since 2009 that has hurt me. I guess, having thick skin helps with that, protects you from harm. Somewhere, somehow, I'm going to meet someone because I want to. I have a 70 year old family friend who was divorced in his 30's and he is lonely and single. I don't want to be him. I want to be my aunt who was divorced and found her soulmate and they are so happy. A friend told me recently that I won't find it on my own time it will just happen. But I'm stubborn and stupid and want it to happen now. I feel like I'm wasting time living life alone. Weird I know. 1
Sparkle304 Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 That's all fine and good but the problem is that it doesn't hurt anymore. It's just dissappointment...... I feel like I'm wasting time living life alone. I feel exactly the same way you do! My career doesn't really offer the opportunity to meet many people and most of the social groups in my local area are limited to mommy groups or seniors activities. Even so, I've driven to larger cities and tried everything from photography classes to SCUBA courses to beach volleyball and even a dodgeball league! I've been online dating and although I've never had a bad experience, no significant relationships have come from it. To be honest, I'm tired of hearing about "working on yourself" and "establishing meaningful social activities". Been there, and doing that. I'm bored of leading the single life, and I truly believe my life would be far better with an intelligent, attractive, fit man! At least I'd feel like my life was heading somewhere. And no, I'm not sitting here wasting my life, but I think soon I'll just get tired of trying and just accept my spinster life. Honestly, I'm beginning to believe that for whatever reasons, I was not meant to be in a relationship. It's very rare that I find that spark with someone......and I envy people that seem to find love so easily. I guess I find it more frustrating that I have no baggage (no kids, no crazy ex-boyfriends), no health issues, I exercise, I'm fit and attractive, I have a solid career, a variety of interests, a stable family and a great group of friends. What am I doing wrong?!?! So OP, to answer your question, yes, I am on the verge of giving up on love. I think it will be easier for me to accept that I will single forever and so I need to ensure that I create a life that allows me to be financially independent.
Reels Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 Any possibility if you can solve your issues with the one, who you had loved most?
AnyaNova Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 I'm honestly beginning to consider it myself.
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