psm04 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 So my xAP and I are in LC mode because we work together. We don't talk about us. Anyway, I want to ask him two things - one, why is it that he won't talk to me on the days that he works from home anymore (makes me feel cheap). This started happening recently. In the past, we talked on IM regardless of whether he was home or at the office. The other question is if he has removed me from his contact list on a chat program that we used to talk (meaning his whole being friends thing is bs). Should I bother, or is indifference the best way to go? I feel like he sometimes tests me to see if I'm going to break down and ask him things. I wish I could stop wondering. My only reasons for wanting to ask him is so that I can just say 'screw you' and move on.
anne1707 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 But by asking him, you are showing him you are vulnerable because you have noticed his actions and are hurt by them. If you want to say "screw you" then do it by your actions. I.e. by getting on with your life and being happy without him. As for his actions. I don't know your story but I still work with the exOM so there is contact for work. However there is no personal chat. If this is how things are for you then it would actually make sense that he does not chat with you whilst at home as that is crossing a boundary into personal space. If he is playing games, don't let him see that he is getting to you and winning. Rise above and keep your dignity 2
Author psm04 Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 But by asking him, you are showing him you are vulnerable because you have noticed his actions and are hurt by them. If you want to say "screw you" then do it by your actions. I.e. by getting on with your life and being happy without him. As for his actions. I don't know your story but I still work with the exOM so there is contact for work. However there is no personal chat. If this is how things are for you then it would actually make sense that he does not chat with you whilst at home as that is crossing a boundary into personal space. If he is playing games, don't let him see that he is getting to you and winning. Rise above and keep your dignity Thank you. The reason I get annoyed is that he doesn't mind personal chat when he is not home. Not about us but random things. I'm like, either back off completely or actually treat me like a normal person.
RickFox Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 And remember, indifference is NOT an option. It is not something you can just decide to do, it must come in time when you truly do not care and it is evident you do care. Indifference starts by reminding yourself that it doesn't matter how, where or why he chooses to chat or what about, it's over and he is just a co worker now. If he IMs you and it's not work related, don't answer it. We just can't choose to become indifferent, that happens with time. Just say screw you and begin to move forward as best you can. 2
anne1707 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Faked indifference is not the same as indifference which is subconscious. If OP performs faked indifference the OM will know instantly she is still on the hook. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. The exOM tried to get reactions out of me at work for months after the affair ended. Once I started to fake indifference (because I was sick of it all and wanted to be truly indifferent), he started to back off from his games. It took the pressure off me because I could go to work and get on with things without him trying to mess with my head. 2
Author psm04 Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 Thanks to everyone for the responses. Pierre, I knew that you would respond with the 'validation' statement :-) And maybe part of it is me needing validation. It's not that I need validation on whether he cares about me now, but mostly validation on whether I ever mattered to him, or whether he just thought I could be a supplement to his marriage, and that the moment I wanted it over for real this time, he was done with everything. I know that it is 'fake' indifference for now, but that's not because I want to get back into the A. I think that you have to go through the fake part in order to truly get to a point where you could care less what they think of you. It is so over, and I don't want anything out of it anymore. I would actually love it if he just quit his job and went somewhere else. Being around him is worse now than not. I just feel like he doesn't have any use out of talking to me. I would hate to think that of him, because he never lied about leaving his wife or anything like that, but I think that subconsciously, he worked to keep me happy so that he could get what he wanted from me, which was an ego boost and the occasional makeout sessions. Now, I feel worthless, but I guess I shouldn't base my worth on what he thinks or doesn't think of me. Many people think highly of me, and they are the genuine honest people in my life. They matter more. I guess I need to keep telling myself that. I know that he is an insecure person, and I think he is trying to see whether I'd go checking up on him, etc. He is also chatting with other people who I am friends with at work (females). It's like he is competing or something, or taunting me. Well, I'm not wanting to play any games. I want to move on with my life. I am SO glad that we did not have sex. So glad. Also, I don't know how I could have fallen in love with someone who induced/induces these extremely low feelings about my own self worth.
Author psm04 Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 And remember, indifference is NOT an option. It is not something you can just decide to do, it must come in time when you truly do not care and it is evident you do care. Indifference starts by reminding yourself that it doesn't matter how, where or why he chooses to chat or what about, it's over and he is just a co worker now. If he IMs you and it's not work related, don't answer it. We just can't choose to become indifferent, that happens with time. Just say screw you and begin to move forward as best you can. I can't wait for the day when indifference isn't an option. Right now, faking it is the only thing I've got.
whichwayisup Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 So my xAP and I are in LC mode because we work together. We don't talk about us. Anyway, I want to ask him two things - one, why is it that he won't talk to me on the days that he works from home anymore (makes me feel cheap). This started happening recently. In the past, we talked on IM regardless of whether he was home or at the office. The other question is if he has removed me from his contact list on a chat program that we used to talk (meaning his whole being friends thing is bs). Should I bother, or is indifference the best way to go? I feel like he sometimes tests me to see if I'm going to break down and ask him things. I wish I could stop wondering. My only reasons for wanting to ask him is so that I can just say 'screw you' and move on. You're thinking way too much and reading into the why's and how's of what he does. Bottom line is, your A is over, right? So, he is cutting you out of his life, when he works from home he sees no point in communicating with you. Why do you feel 'cheap' when he works from home and doesn't speak to you? Take control and just detach and distance yourself from him. Cut HIM out of your life. Focus ONLY on work related issues when speaking to him and don't get personal, flirty or anything. Your A is over, so yes, indifference and not caring either way would help you. 2
Author psm04 Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 You're thinking way too much and reading into the why's and how's of what he does. Bottom line is, your A is over, right? So, he is cutting you out of his life, when he works from home he sees no point in communicating with you. Why do you feel 'cheap' when he works from home and doesn't speak to you? Take control and just detach and distance yourself from him. Cut HIM out of your life. Focus ONLY on work related issues when speaking to him and don't get personal, flirty or anything. Your A is over, so yes, indifference and not caring either way would help you. Sorry if I wasn't clear. So, yes, the A is over. It is over because I ended it. He never wanted to end it. I am working on my M, and I don't know what he is doing with his, and I don't care. Here is what is upsetting, and why I feel cheap. Today, he is at the office, and he has reached out to me twice. He says hi, blah blah. Yesterday, he was home, and I didn't hear a single word from him. This is coming from a person who cried to me and told me that he needed me in some capacity in his life, and that he wanted to know me until he died. Now, I feel like if he's home, I'm 'taboo' or something. Makes me feel like an unworthy human being. And I know that I shouldn't think like that, but at the moment, I do. I'll get over it eventually. UGH, he was talking to me just now, and said something like he thought he'd say hello, and I mentioned a snide comment about how he is all chatty compared to when he worked from home. I was just mad. I guess I lost this round of the game I'm sure he now has his validation, since he's talking about random sh*t again. FML.
anne1707 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Oh psm I have been where you are now (((hugs))) If you want to work on your marriage, you need to focus on that and not the MOM. I know it is hard but you really do need to stop all the chat that goes on between you. Talk work, be polite, be professional. But nothing beyond that - not even "did you have a nice weekend?". It really does have to be that clean a line between you for you to regain your sanity (no dig meant, I hope you know what I mean ). Don't feed him! 1
Author psm04 Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 Oh psm I have been where you are now (((hugs))) If you want to work on your marriage, you need to focus on that and not the MOM. I know it is hard but you really do need to stop all the chat that goes on between you. Talk work, be polite, be professional. But nothing beyond that - not even "did you have a nice weekend?". It really does have to be that clean a line between you for you to regain your sanity (no dig meant, I hope you know what I mean ). Don't feed him! Thank you. I wish I could take back the comment I made to him in the heat of the moment. Now I feel like I have to start over and watch out for more of these scenarios and games. More will happen when he needs to get his ego boost. I really thought that I could do LC with him, but I didn't realize that he would want to play these stupid games. Things were going fine until stuff like this happened. And I completely get what you are saying about regaining sanity.
whatatangledweb Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 He may not be calling you from home because he is doing what you asked. You wanted to end it. He may believe that talking at work if fine yet calling from home is too much like being in the affair. It sounds like he is trying to have a normal work relationship with you now. I don't think it has anything to do with ego stroking or playing games. 1
Author psm04 Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 He may not be calling you from home because he is doing what you asked. You wanted to end it. He may believe that talking at work if fine yet calling from home is too much like being in the affair. It sounds like he is trying to have a normal work relationship with you now. I don't think it has anything to do with ego stroking or playing games. That is an interesting perspective. But knowing him, I highly doubt that he is taking what I asked into consideration. He has thrown me a couple of hints that he wants to continue the A. I know that if I asked him to meet me after work, he would. I don't think that he is intentionally playing games, but I believe that he needs reassurance that I care. When we ended it this last time, he said something like 'I hope you are ending it because you have to and not because you want to'. He is also afraid that I will move on to another AP. I used to worry about that with him too, but at least I don't care about that part anymore.
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