Vinsanity1307 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 As usual here is my original story. Comments REALLY appreciated... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417106-dumped-after-5-years I know I am not suppose to be dwelling but I am hurting and really bothered by this...I have a question about the break up. As some of you know it was a 5 year relationship. She dumped me out of the blue through text when she got a new job and everything was going better for her in her life... The through a text after 5 years and not even have the decency to talk face to face hurts cause it feels like it was just a lie the past few years. After I received the text I showed up at her house (right up the street) and tried talking with her. She refused and just said she dont love me. And again a day before she was all over me on her own free will (which how it was the past 3 years).. So what bothers me after 5 years to do it through a text and not talk face to face or anything. She threatened to call the police if I didnt leave and I was trying to figure out what happened or whatever. No integrity or compassion at all. I dont know just venting and hurting on the whole things..And again 3 months post break up!!! 2
Philosoraptor Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Well it is the cowards way, and that's the only way you can look at it. She was a coward to hide behind both a phone and her police threats. But you can't expect anything from her, so you just have to accept that she doesn't want to be with you anymore and walk away. 3
Haydn Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I feel all your pain. This was almost like for like with me. And yes i dwell alot, cannot stop myself. My ex, never had the good grace to sit down with me. She just cut me dead. And yes the day before, she loved me and told me she needed me..........That`s the bit i hate and it hurts so much. Why did she tell me all that and the next day drop me like a stone? My ex had some every serious issues (BPD, i have learned from this forum) But it still hurts and i miss her everyday. As usual here is my original story. Comments REALLY appreciated... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417106-dumped-after-5-years I know I am not suppose to be dwelling but I am hurting and really bothered by this...I have a question about the break up. As some of you know it was a 5 year relationship. She dumped me out of the blue through text when she got a new job and everything was going better for her in her life... The through a text after 5 years and not even have the decency to talk face to face hurts cause it feels like it was just a lie the past few years. After I received the text I showed up at her house (right up the street) and tried talking with her. She refused and just said she dont love me. And again a day before she was all over me on her own free will (which how it was the past 3 years).. So what bothers me after 5 years to do it through a text and not talk face to face or anything. She threatened to call the police if I didnt leave and I was trying to figure out what happened or whatever. No integrity or compassion at all. I dont know just venting and hurting on the whole things..And again 3 months post break up!!!
BC1980 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Texting is a lazy way to break up after 5 years. I agree that the decent thing to do would have been a face to face. You are trying to reconcile what you thought was real with the reality right now. Yes, the pain is immense. I'm going through this right now, and there is no short cut to make you feel better. You have to keep yourself grounded in reality and not idealize the past. The truth is in front of you even though its hard to swallow. You are grieving what you thought was real, and that is terribly painful. Unfortunately, you really do have to get through this pain to break through to the other side. Do anything you can to be around people and get out of the house at this point. A constant rehashing and nostalgia is bad for you. Stop!! Your reality is something new. You have to chip away day by day to make yourself new. I'm so sorry. I very much understand your pain. I'm right there with you, but we can only control what we do.
BC1980 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 You will also find a lot of stories in here where exes are so in love one day and break up the next. I thought I must be an exception, but it's sadly common. My ex told me that I was the best thing to ever happen to him a few days before he broke up with me. You are wasting time trying to figure out WHY. I eventually had to put my hands up and say f&ck it because I was going round and round in my head. 3
theothersully Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 And another one right here. 12 year relationship, 10 year marriage, done with 1:20 (one minute, 20 second) phone call. That was all there was after hearing "i love you can't wait to go away together for Christmas" the day before. Mine was mentally ill the whole time I knew her and mental illness runs through her entire family, but that doesn't really excuse it. My realization? Some people are just bad people who will lie, manipulate and deceive other people just to get what they want. I think they used to call these people sociopaths. They have no understanding of decency or interpersonal emotions and only use interpersonal relationships to further their own agenda. They are dead inside and go through life without actually feeling love at all. Yet, they are experts at putting on a show to make you fall in love with them. You probably had one of these, just like I did. Say hi to Wistaaa for me. I'm also a New Englander a long way from home... Just realize this girl isn't doing this because she is trying to be mean. She just can't deal with people, other than lying and whatever. The upside is you will love again, while she never has and never will know what love is.
theothersully Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 PS: Took me 8 months to deal with my same situation. I asked her over and over why... and got nothing.
rossi128 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 My ex said she would never dump anyone by text. She just wasn't that sort of person, she was also intimate with me just days earlier. Then boom, that's it, it's over, in a text. That alone helps me to get over her, she did something she said she wouldn't, it was so cold, showed a lack of respect, cowardly. As much as I have weaker moments were I would like to still be in a relationship with her things like this seem to bring me back down to earth with a bang. 1
Stealth3 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 It sucks....trying to reach somebody and being treated like a criminal. Just remember this for when they come back, remember why you will need to ignore them forever.
aybc123 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 (edited) Why did she dump you through a text? Because she is a coward. Why did she dump you a couple of days after you proposed? Because she didn't love you and realised that from then on the relationship was not going to work. Why has she been acting so coldly? 1) Partly because she doesnt need to pretend to be nice anymore because youre her boyfriend. 2) Partly because acting in a desperate way is always going to push someone away somewhat, especially women 3) Partly because she is a coward as we've established and acting cruelly by burying her head in the sand is a way of avoiding awkward conversations about what went wrong/ what was going on. 4) Partly because after reading the initial thread I can gather that she is emotionally manipulative and has a lot of issues from previous relationships. To be honest? you're lucky, seriously, take a year out to heal and actually realise that if you need but you're 27, find a nice 23 yo girl who doesnt have a bunch of issues and ex husbands and kids and make a future with her. Also, understand that she is the one with the issues here, i've been there with exes who have mental issues and an excess of baggage, they do stupid stuff because they're ****ed in the head, sometimes you can work through it as you go but it's always going to be an uphill struggle. Find someone who isn't, you'll be a lot happier. Edited October 17, 2013 by aybc123 2
forgetmenot75 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I'm very sorry, and I truly feel your pain. Rejection is the most painful feeling ever. At this point, you need to overcome this. don't ruminate about how coward she was by dumping you by text. At the end, think that she was so guilty, she couldn't even look at you to tell you it was over. I truly believe she'll contact you some day. Maybe in one month, maybe in one year, but you need to overcome all this to the point you'll really won't care about what she has to say. Be strong, move on. you'll be fine.
hurts2death Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 or maybe she developed a disorder or sth...this way of dealing sounds lunatic to me... you rtalk honesty face to face with the partner .its his heart here we talk about...Well it is the cowards way, and that's the only way you can look at it. She was a coward to hide behind both a phone and her police threats. But you can't expect anything from her, so you just have to accept that she doesn't want to be with you anymore and walk away.
JDPT Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 It appears to be pretty common procedure. I was dumped off a 4 year relationship through text as well. She didn't have the decency to say it to me face to face, I too found that to be amazing and thought I was dealing with a totally different person, someone who I no longer recognized. I must admit that it did take me a while to understand the concept of survival, which is clearly her one and only objective. I needed answers desperately and as I disclosed to her one night when she finally decided to call me: "the last thing I hoped for was for us to have a conversation and say goodbye." But of course she was determined and that meeting never took place. Thankfully and with tons of work I no longer dwell on how she could have done this or how "cold" she was. I believe she simply did whatever she believed was right at that moment and commuted to it 100%. Truth is, there is no right way to dump someone. I, in my opinion thought was a very juvenile way to let me to, and I'm glad I managed to tell her that. We are left to accept and respect their wishes and do our best to move forward. No need to torture yourself trying to find answers, come to terms yourself and most importantly don't fill your heart with hate.
Author Vinsanity1307 Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 Honestly Thank you all for your comments....I really do appreciate it during this tough time. And thank you also for whoever read my long orginal story. I do believe it was cowardly and that just makes it 8x worse like Iwas garbage to do that through text ya know....I am trying not to dwell but as most of you no the nostalgia happens sometimes and we cant control it or ignore it was is heart wrenching...
Simon Phoenix Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Honestly, does it really matter how you are dumped? There isn't one person on this planet who is happy to be dumped, no matter how it's done. Even if she dumped you in the most respectful way possible (whatever that is), you are still going to feel like sh*t and you are still going to be dumped. I mean Vinny, you are 3 months in and you are rehashing how you were dumped? That's something you should rehash right after it happens, not three months down the road. You really need to learn how to repel these thoughts, because it seems like once they start, you shut down and go into sad bastard mode. You have to start being active in your recovery -- you can't just fall to sh*t every time a thought hits your mind. 3
Haydn Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Harsh. Vinsanity is in love. Like all of us here. Don`t you ever rehash Simon? You never fall to pieces when you remember what you lost? Or what you wanted? I am not having a go, i just think its different for all of us. If you reached the point where you let go and can move on then its great. But it takes some of us a while to pass go. Honestly, does it really matter how you are dumped? There isn't one person on this planet who is happy to be dumped, no matter how it's done. Even if she dumped you in the most respectful way possible (whatever that is), you are still going to feel like sh*t and you are still going to be dumped. I mean Vinny, you are 3 months in and you are rehashing how you were dumped? That's something you should rehash right after it happens, not three months down the road. You really need to learn how to repel these thoughts, because it seems like once they start, you shut down and go into sad bastard mode. You have to start being active in your recovery -- you can't just fall to sh*t every time a thought hits your mind. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Harsh. Vinsanity is in love. Like all of us here. Don`t you ever rehash Simon? You never fall to pieces when you remember what you lost? Or what you wanted? I am not having a go, i just think its different for all of us. If you reached the point where you let go and can move on then its great. But it takes some of us a while to pass go. Sure, I rehashed in the beginning, but not the manner in which I was broken up with. A breakup is a breakup -- it doesn't matter how it is done, the result is still the same. Even the most respectful breakup in the world is going to make the dumpee feel like a pile of sh*t. I don't expect Vinsanity to be "over it" by any means, but he's been stagnant in the initial stages of recovery because every time a thought crosses his mind, he shuts down. Breakups suck, no matter if they come by text, they come via "the fade", they come with a long conversation, they come with a hug. In fact, the "nice" breakups are probably worse because they give the dumpee hope, which is about the worst thing they can have in this situation. Yes, I come off as harsh, because I'm direct and because I want this poster to get past the initial stages of recovery. He still is having issues with the training wheels. But yeah, every breakup sucks. There's no such thing as a good one. Rehashing how she broke up with him is pointless, unless it gets him to the anger stage. It doesn't seem to be doing that though. 3
Beautiful diamond Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 If it makes you feel better my ex did the same thing. I even tried calling him to talk, but he ignored my calls. I realized some people just like to do things as easy as possible. I know it's hard, but consider their point of view. They were done with us, and didn't want us to beg/plead/convince them to stay. They were angry and wanted to end it quickly. It's not right, but looking back I understand why he did it. I think us dumpees tend to victimize ourselves. We make our exes out to be monsters. That's just not true. At one point they were kind and sweet enough for us to fall in love, real or not. Now is the time to forgive her. She is not perfect, no one is. She made a mistake and may feel sorry for it. Realize we all have been disrespected by an ex. Everyone who has loved has had that one person, who did horrible things to them. Just like we have done horrible things to exes we dumped. One day it won't bother you as much and instead of tears, laughter will come. Who knows maybe you and your future wife will have a good laugh at it?
Author Vinsanity1307 Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 Just a sucky situation....And I know I am not suppose to be thinking of the past but I can't always control the thoughts I immediately try to think of something else buy she keeps coming back in...whether it be dumping me through text or those in lice moments can't always hero but to dwell ..I can't just forget and block out 5 years of things, abd can't help not to dwell.. 1
Copelandsanity Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Five years is a long time. You're still in the grieving process. It will take some time to get over it. I am curious. Do you have any self-confidence or self-esteem issues?
Simon Phoenix Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Just a sucky situation....And I know I am not suppose to be thinking of the past but I can't always control the thoughts I immediately try to think of something else buy she keeps coming back in...whether it be dumping me through text or those in lice moments can't always hero but to dwell ..I can't just forget and block out 5 years of things, abd can't help not to dwell.. You have to actively fight it. But back to my original point, any way you would have been dumped would have sucked. She could have dumped you in person while telling you how nice you were and your reaction would have been the same. Of all the things to dwell on, this is probably the least helpful. No type of dumping would have been beneficial to your self-esteem.
mtnbiker3000 Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Sounds like the OP has issues with 'snow-balling'. Basically, your negative thoughts start building and building until they just bowl you over. TaraMaiden has some good advice on how to deal with this issue... Search it.
Author Vinsanity1307 Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 It was not until she dumped me recently my self esteem and confidence died completely. She took that with her when she left... I was very confident around her especially since we got back together in 2010 for some reason.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 It was not until she dumped me recently my self esteem and confidence died completely. She took that with her when she left... I was very confident around her especially since we got back together in 2010 for some reason. It was fine before you met her, there's no reason it can't be fine after. Going through heartbreak is normal, but you have to show some fight. You are caving and turtling every time thoughts of her enter your mind. I would look up snowballing on this site (not on google unless you are into some kinky sh*t) and try to retrain your brain so you don't die emotionally every time a thought about her comes. And you really need to start getting angry. Don't be all "aww poor me" about how she broke up with you. Get mad. You've been in stage one for far too long. 1
Sugarkane Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 (edited) Unfortunately this is also was led me to this site. I really can't stand why this is acceptable and it's always ok to be Ahole, just because you're the dumper? Double standards. It further cemented the fact that I wouldn't fall for BS breadcrumbs of there were any and never to be civil with POS. I guess they don't care what people think of them? It makes the difference between getting a bad reputation and being civil. To exes being bitter and never wanting to speak to you again. The last thing I said to my ex was I hope the same thing happens to you one day. With any luck it will. I wouldn't felt the need to snoop through Facebook just to get answers. Since I never got any. Edited October 19, 2013 by Sugarkane
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