cammib Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I guess im here because im lying in bed and I realize im still not happy. My ex and I have been seperated for three years, we have been married for seven. He doesn't want to divorce and ive never been in a situation where I didnt think getting back together was an option. Until now. I have been dating someone and its getting serious. I finally want to file for divorce but its making me a little anxious. My ex was very abusive while we were together and expressed that he would never divorce me. Though we haven't been together for 3 years, or spoken to each other for a year, I just have this feeling in my stomach. I want out of the marriage so badly and I know its having so many adverse affects on the way I live my life. I just dont know where to start. I was very successful before we married and became comfortable in less being expected of me. Im afraid to start over. Im afraid to try to make a new life for myself and have it taken away again. Im just afraid.
theothersully Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 You don't have a marriage at all now, so you aren't starting over, you are just "starting." The easiest thing will be to look at the divorce process for your state. Each state is different. Some, all you have to do is file your half to get it done.
melissag Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 But you have already made a new life for yourself, it sounds like. You haven't been with your ex for three years, so what's the difference whether you are technically divorced? Are you worried about actually being divorced, or are you concerned that he might be angry or try to retaliate if you file? To answer your question, no, being lost does not make you a loser. But I think you already know that! 1
amaysngrace Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I think it's natural to feel fear in your situation. Your ex has instilled that feeling in you so it makes sense that you'd be feeling fear again now. I don't think he actually has the power to stop you from getting a divorce even though he said that. You can be afraid of your future if you want but your past is what sounds scary to me.
carhill Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Feeling lost makes one feel lost. Pretty typical during aspects of the divorce process. Personally, I would think your new relationship would energize you; generally it beats going through the divorce process alone where one doesn't feel desired by or connected to anyone. In any event, find something which focuses you and gives you direction, so as to feel less lost. Regarding the divorce stuff, I can share with you what my exW did. After we arranged things, she filled out the proper legal forms from our court and used the self-help division of the family law court to process them. We split the initial filing fees. Later we used a law school for mediation and they provided a conforming settlement agreement, which I had my lawyer look over, then we filed the docs with self-help and the marriage was dissolved. If you haven't spoken with your H in a year, it's highly possible that his perspective on never divorcing has changed. In any event, if you file and he's served, he'll have to respond or you will have options to continue absent his response. Here that's called the 'default' path. If he responds, then it's 'contested'. Regardless, he can't stop you from getting a divorce if you want one. Life is short and it can end any day. Where will you be tomorrow if you do nothing? Good luck.
littlejaz Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 A little tough love here. You said you are not happy, so your choices are to remain unhappy and in limbo in your current situation or to change it. That's it. Your future is what you make it. Your ex cannot stop you from getting a divorce and if he has left you alone for the past year, then he probably won't care if you file. And if he does, tough, he can't stop it. As for the new relationship, I would bet that most everyone here understands being scared of it. But you have already taken the risk by getting involved with someone, just take it slow, get some couples counseling so that you know you are on the same page, and let a little happiness into your heart. And lastly, keep posting here, you will have a lot of good people on your side to give you advice when needed, so go out there and live your life. Enjoy some well deserved happiness. Good luck.
Misadventure Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 You made a life for yourself already. All that will be ending is the legality. It is legally closing a chapter but as far as you physically moving on and starting over... you have. As far as with your current BF.. no one says you need to get married soon..if you are not ready. But if you love him and this is contemplated...talk to him about how you feel... or talk to a counselor for yourself.
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