amy4life Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 (edited) I've been seeing this guy for a little over a month and am about ready to move on. I feel every week is a rollercoaster. Sometimes I feel he's into me and other times he's not. I'm not the insecure type. These are just the vibes he gives me. We were friends for about a month (no intimacy) and now more than that for the past few weeks (kissing, cuddling, fondling, NO SEX). This is the period when things have gotten complicated. He told me on the first date he wasn't looking for a relationship. I took the hint and kept it strictly platonic. No hand holding, NOTHING. We hung out A LOT, deep conversations, honesty, the works. He'd invite me to hang out and vice versa. Pretty balanced. Consistent communication. He told me a few weeks ago that he really liked me and for the first time in a long time wanted to pursue a relationship. Then, the kiss happened. Great chemistry BUT I wanted to take it slow. He seemed frustrated and annoyed by me not wanting to have sex with him. After a lengthy conversation we worked it out and it's gone back to cuddling, kissing, fondling, etc. His friends know about me. I've met one of them, and whenever someone calls, he'll answer it and say "Amy4life is here." He introduced me to his mom and his family dog a couple of weeks ago. Told me he was falling for me and sent me a couple of texts over a week ago randomly, saying he was thinking about me. Last week we had a discussion about being exclusive. Not a relationship, but keeping this monogamous. He agreed. Then things got heated and I gave him oral sex while we both were partially clothed (I didn't finish though since it was moving too fast) and I left, he was flirty and all smiles. Since then, I haven't heard much from him. He initiated one conversation with me, ignored my invitations for dates, canceled on a date, hasn't responded to my texts, and his responses have been brief. I even went through and looked at our texts the past couple of weeks and it's clear he's becoming less responsive and I've taken charge on most of the dates the past couple of weeks, when before it was balanced. It's been a few days since I last heard from him. I'm not initiating a conversation, since the last time we spoke I made it very clear I'd like to hang out very soon. I'm just confused since all this started in the past week, and do people's feelings change this quickly? Is it possible he's going through something? It's hard cause I really want to open myself fully to this person, but I remember how the first date he told me didn't want a relationship and he suddenly had a change of heart a few weeks ago. I just don't want to get hurt making myself available to someone who is still emotionally unavailable, but then he's done a few things showing he's serious about me. Thanks for listening. Great place to vent frustrations! Edited October 16, 2013 by amy4life
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Since then, I haven't heard much from him. He initiated one conversation with me, ignored my invitations for dates, canceled on a date, hasn't responded to my texts, and his responses have been brief. I even went through and looked at our texts the past couple of weeks and it's clear he's becoming less responsive and I've taken charge on most of the dates the past couple of weeks, when before it was balanced. It's been a few days since I last heard from him. I'm not initiating a conversation, since the last time we spoke I made it very clear I'd like to hang out very soon. Thanks for listening. Great place to vent frustrations! He's not interested, he changed his mind. You've been dating four weeks, it happens. It was good for a fortnight it sounds, 14 days. People have all kinds of reasons for suddenly wanting out of something they've gotten themselves into. Either that or he was just looking for sex and you putting the brakes on it made him realise it was too much hassle. Or maybe he realised he was right all along and was in fact not ready for a relationship. Maybe one of the other chicks he was seeing has interested him more. There is no way of knowing! Also: really, he seemed 'annoyed' that you wouldn't sleep with him within a couple of weeks? And it took a lengthy phone conversation to iron it out!? That was your first clue there that he's a douche. No respectable man would make you justify or explain yourself for not wanting to hop into bed right away. You need to regain your dignity and do a U-turn, stop texting him or meeting with him. This might even pique his interest again, but don't bite. His actions here have all shown you that he is just not that into you. If a guy is interested, you'll know and you'll feel it, you won't have to take to the internet because you're hoping that others will interpret it all as 'he's just scared, it's because he likes you so much it makes him feel nervous, it's because he feels you're too good for him' etc. He is just not into you. 2
Mascara Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I'm sorry to say, he's pretty much done. He may come around IF - and it's a big if - there is something else going on. But only if you take a step back and stop trying to drive this relationship. It sounds old-fashioned, but in the early days you should demonstrate interest, so that he knows pursuing you will be worthwhile and he won't get knocked back... but don't actually take the lead yourself. I gave him oral sex while we both were partially clothed (I didn't finish though since it was moving too fast) What does that mean? I think I'm understanding correctly... you started having sex, and then stopped him because you weren't ready? Woah.... it's well within your rights to decide when you're ready, but if you ARE going ahead and doing it, make sure you actually ARE ready. Because doing this doesn't make you look like a respectable nice girl. It makes you look like you're playing games.
FitChick Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Sounds like he wanted sex and settled for a blowjob figuring that would be the best he could get. What you should have done was make HIM pleasure you orally first to see if he was any good. Make him wait for his own pleasure if you had any doubts. Of course no guarantees he wouldn't have bolted in that case either. How old are you both? 2
forgetmenot75 Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 He's lost interest after you went down on him. Or he met someone new Or he actually did not like you going down on him Who knows. what you know is that he's not initiating, not interested in talking with you, not interested in meeting you again, and that must be proof enough for you to understand its over. time to move on.
Author amy4life Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 I'm 25 and he's 27. I don't play games and it just happened because we were both having a good time. He knew why I wanted to stop and was fine with it. The reason this threw me off, is he initiated contact with me 2 days after this happened to see how I was doing. We then, briefly saw each other for 20 minutes, where he seemed very stressed from work and tired but was super cuddly, gave me lengthy hugs, passionate kisses and said he couldn't wait to see me again. This was 5 days ago. These 2 things threw me off since if it was from the blow job why would he have initiated contact, went out of HIS way to see me just to cuddle and hug me and then just dropped off the map. For the record he did initiate contact on Monday but he was really moody and it wasn't even a conversation. Just him complaining about work, with me comforting him, and then when I suggested doing something, he basically responded briefly and cut me off.
Author amy4life Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 I'm sorry to say, he's pretty much done. He may come around IF - and it's a big if - there is something else going on. But only if you take a step back and stop trying to drive this relationship. It sounds old-fashioned, but in the early days you should demonstrate interest, so that he knows pursuing you will be worthwhile and he won't get knocked back... but don't actually take the lead yourself. What does that mean? I think I'm understanding correctly... you started having sex, and then stopped him because you weren't ready? Woah.... it's well within your rights to decide when you're ready, but if you ARE going ahead and doing it, make sure you actually ARE ready. Because doing this doesn't make you look like a respectable nice girl. It makes you look like you're playing games. For the record, I do want to explain he KNOWS I wasn't playing games. It's hard to get into the details without this sounding bad. Basically we are fooling around and he wanted more. I told him, I wasn't ready to give oral. We kept going and I did want to but not really. Again, really hard to explain but he "encouraged" me to give him oral and not finish him off. This sounds really weird without being in the situation. It wasn't awkward, weird or anything and we kept passionately making out afterward for about 10-15 minutes. We both had to work the next day so I declined staying over and cuddling. And like I said, 2 days later I very briefly saw him and he seemed super happy to see me. He even kept asking me pointless questions to try and make me stay longer. We were both too exhausted to hang out that night, but that's why this whole thing is throwing me off. But who knows, maybe you are right... perhaps he just lost interest sometime in the last 4-5 days.
FitChick Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 The "what" he is or isn't doing is more important than the "why." Move on. 2
forgetmenot75 Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Then,if he was so cool and everything with you, why are you so concerned? If you're sure everything is ok then wait until he contacts you again, no?
Author amy4life Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 Then,if he was so cool and everything with you, why are you so concerned? If you're sure everything is ok then wait until he contacts you again, no? I can wait, that's fine. I'm just asking since I'm not used to this kind of behavior. I've dated guys in the past but it was either clear when the guy lost interest. I've also had the fortune of mainly having relationships with close friends, so the interest was solid and long lasting. I just never understand how someone can lose interest that easily which is why I'm asking, that's all.
kendallk Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Sorry dear but he just wanted some physical action. When he seemed frustrated you weren't given him sex right away, you should have run.
truth_seeker Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 He introduced me to his mom and his family dog a couple of weeks ago. This was the highlight of the entire post. Hilarious! 1
Leigh 87 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 All guys I've been with go down on me first before even Hinting they want me to blow them.
scorpiogirl Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 He wants sex and no more. The monogamous request was so you would sleep with him only. He does not want a relationship. He told you that and now because he's laying on a bit of charm you think he does want more. He doesn't. He's trying to sweet talking you into a physical relationship and when you expect him to act right he will remind you that he never promised you a relationship. If you want a boyfriend, forget this guy. If you want a fwb then wait for his call. He's the one playing games. He's a jackass. Stop waiting for him. The only thing you did wrong was give him a blowjob.
Mascara Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 So the cold hard facts are - He doesn't want a relationship You've been seeing him a month and it's been rocky from the start He agrees to a relationship (because then he thinks you'll have sex with him) He tells you what you want to hear He gets annoyed that you still won't have sex with him You eventually give in Does this sound like a guy who's crazy into you? Walk away from him, he's not worth the effort. Guys like this are all hot and heavy for the first few weeks, then it's like a switch has been flipped and it's just gone. Happens allll the time. If a guy tells you he's falling for you within the first few weeks, he's generally full of crap. 5
Author amy4life Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 Thanks everyone for your replies. Like I said before, I've been extremely fortunate to have never dealt with a guy like this before. But now I know what to look out for in the future. I'll leave him alone. He's not worth my time until he can show that he wants to be part of my time and life. You all are amazing 2
truth_seeker Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Just because he's a jerk off doesn't mean his dog is like him.
Phantom888 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 HINT: When a guys says "I don't really want a relationship", it means "I want sex from you, I want to use you for companionship, but I refuse to give up anything on my end, because you are NOT WORTH IT!" Sorry to be harsh, but non-committal dudes think like this. 2
Author amy4life Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 (edited) Hey all! Again, thank you so much for the advice. Here's an update since then. He ended up texting me a couple of times, but didn't ask me out. At this point, I had given up and was being non-responsive. Then randomly, he asked me to meet 2 of his best friends who I've never met before. I came over and we had a good time. He then explained why he had been ignoring me after they left. Basically he got sick and had concerns that I had an STI and was withholding that information from him (we had discussions about STIs before getting physically active and I know for a fact I didn't have one and haven't been sexually active in about 8 months). He didn't know how to bring it up, so decided the best route was to ignore me. He admitted it was a really immature way to handle the situation and I'm not totally sure what changed his mind (i.e., if he got tested for STIs or what)... but we had an open and honest discussion about it and things are good. Also, I took your advice and we are now in a committed relationship officially. Just wanted to let people know going through a similar thing, since sometimes loss of interest can be really random. It's good to try and communicate about it before throwing in the towel. If he hadn't finally told me what was bothering him, I would have just assumed he was only interested in me on a superficial level and that would have been the end of that. Also, with his concerns now I'm getting tested again, since that kind of stuff freaks me out and I don't want to be at risk if he's seeing something odd on his end. Edited October 21, 2013 by amy4life
tlegend Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Basically he got sick and had concerns that I had an STI and was withholding that information from him (we had discussions about STIs before getting physically active and I know for a fact I didn't have one and haven't been sexually active in about 8 months). He didn't know how to bring it up, so decided the best route was to ignore me. Wait....his excuse for ignoring you was that he thought you gave him an STI because he got sick after you gave him a blowjob. And in light of this new information, you decided to start a committed relationship with this guy? Whatever floats your boat I guess. Good luck, doormat.
Author amy4life Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 Wait....his excuse for ignoring you was that he thought you gave him an STI because he got sick after you gave him a blowjob. And in light of this new information, you decided to start a committed relationship with this guy? Whatever floats your boat I guess. Good luck, doormat. Um I'm new to this forum and am hopeful people are not as unkind as you are. I am not a doormat nor would I ever call someone that based on a couple of written paragraphs. I am following the advice of this forum, which was to clarify the committed relationship thing (which I did) and to address my concerns about what his interests of me are. You weren't there when he brought up the issue. He was 100% accountable for his behavior, knew it was very immature, felt terrible telling me and ultimately handled it delicately and pretty well. I don't call myself a doormat for someone who acts like that. This behavior lasted a week, and not week(s) or month(s). Literally 8 days! He came out with the info and once his friends left, he brought it up pretty immediately while cuddling and with an full on apology. I am getting tested however, because clearly he had some symptoms where he thought he had an STI from me. For the record they can be transmitted through oral sex... so it's not exactly a crazy thought for someone to have.
Mascara Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 I hope it goes well for you It seems a pretty random thing for him to say, I don't think any of us could have guessed that! Definitely going to remember it for the next poster though - "well, maybe it isn't that he's not into you. Maybe he just thinks you have a disease" (only teasing. I actually think he just needed to retreat for a bit and couldn't come up with a better excuse) 1
Author amy4life Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 I hope it goes well for you It seems a pretty random thing for him to say, I don't think any of us could have guessed that! Definitely going to remember it for the next poster though - "well, maybe it isn't that he's not into you. Maybe he just thinks you have a disease" (only teasing. I actually think he just needed to retreat for a bit and couldn't come up with a better excuse) Haha you guys gave excellent advice and I was following it! This was just atypical I guess. However, I'm still being cautious. He knows that I had concerns he was just in it for sex with him being non-responsive for a week so we are going back to taking it slow. Thanks again! 1
tlegend Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Um I'm new to this forum and am hopeful people are not as unkind as you are. I am not a doormat nor would I ever call someone that based on a couple of written paragraphs. I am following the advice of this forum, which was to clarify the committed relationship thing (which I did) and to address my concerns about what his interests of me are. You weren't there when he brought up the issue. He was 100% accountable for his behavior, knew it was very immature, felt terrible telling me and ultimately handled it delicately and pretty well. I don't call myself a doormat for someone who acts like that. This behavior lasted a week, and not week(s) or month(s). Literally 8 days! He came out with the info and once his friends left, he brought it up pretty immediately while cuddling and with an full on apology. I am getting tested however, because clearly he had some symptoms where he thought he had an STI from me. For the record they can be transmitted through oral sex... so it's not exactly a crazy thought for someone to have. I apologize, I didn't mean to call you a doormat. And yes, you are right, I do not know everything. But if you told him you haven't been sexually active in the past 8 months, why was his immediate thought when he got sick was that you might have given him something. And beyond that fact, as you mentioned, why would he think it's an STI of all things? Either way, best wishes to you both.
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