Should I stick around or should I move on?

[tinker]

Been a while since I posted on here, but have been in an interesting relationship or whatever the heck you want to call it for the past 7-8 months.

 

Basically, I met someone and immediate attraction was there, we kissed the first we night we met. I met her through a mutual friend. We starting seeing each other pretty regularly, but mainly through hanging out with friends. Drunkenly one night we did end up sleeping together, but she later confessed she thought it was a mistake. Told me she didn't know me very well and wanted to keep getting to know me because as we're both older now (in our later 20's) she places more importance in having real feelings for someone before she decides to sleep with them.

 

So I told her I completely understood as the last relationship I was in was strictly physically based and I am at the point in my life where I want something more as well. So we continued to hang out as friends. Occasionally we would make out here and there (usually when drinking was involved) and for about 5-6 months it stayed this way. I've also taken her out on several dates, but she also mentioned to me along the way that she got out of a pretty bad relationship that lasted for like 6 years. He left her for another woman and she thought she was gonna marry this guy.

 

When I first became involved with her, I heard from her friends that she very much still in love with this guy and that I should try to not get so close; that she will get back with him if/when he leaves the other woman he is with. Well it's been nearly a year since they've broken up and obviously they aren't still together. However, a few months ago my buddy told me they were in fact still seeing each other from time to time and sleeping with each other, which obviously made me pause from thinking anything substantial between us would actually happen.

 

Fast forward to roughly a month ago and recently we have started sleeping together. First it started off as another drunken night, but she's been coming over my house more and we've slept together probably about once a week or so.

 

The sex imo has been great/very passionate, but I'm still extremely cautious/unsure about the entire situation. I've heard from her friends that she thinks I'm "too nice" and that she mostly goes for douchebags, or at least guys that are somewhat more of on the bad side I guess. Funny enough I've slept with a few other women during the time I've met her. A few of them she actually knows. But the only reason because of that is because for months she basically told me that she didn't want to sleep with me because she didn't want to give me the wrong idea about us being together at the moment. That she didn't want me to get too attached. So I've certainly taken advantage of being single and will still go out with my friends and occassionaly hook up with other women. Thing is - I don't care about those other girls. I care about her and honestly only want her as the only woman in my life.

 

However, even though we see each other much more and have spent quite a bit of time alone together for the past month, I am still getting red flags that she may not see a future between us. She'll go from responding immediately to my texts/calls at times to literally ignoring me all day. She works weird hours, but I know her work schedule and there have been days where I call her or text while I'm at work and don't hear back from her until she is getting ready for work or sometimes doesn't respond until the next day.

 

I think it's clear that she still isn't extremely interested in me, but part of me wants to keep trying. Mainly because she maintained for a while that sex is something that is important to her and that I'm the only guy outside of her ex that she has slept with in the past 6 years, which tells me that she clearly cares for me, but I'm at a loss as to just how much.

 

However the fact that she told her friends that she thinks I'm too nice or too safe or whatever also makes me think that maybe she's just hanging out with me until her ex comes back or she feels someone better comes along. Add to the fact that she most likely is still seeing and/or talking to her ex in some capacity shows that she isn't really ready to move on and that I could end up getting pretty hurt if I don't guard my emotions pretty well.

 

I mean I haven't fallen for the girl or anything like that, but part of me wants to stay and part of me wants to just move on and see what else is out there. Just not sure what to do.

 

Thoughts?

[Axee]

You can stay if you want be always hanging in a limbo, uncertain about your future etc..It is pretty draining, believe me... You will have to put a lot of effort and everything will be on her terms.. Your life will get complicated.

 

 

Else you can put a final lid on this girl. But question is are you strong enough to do it..

 

 

Do you like her enough to keep trying, wanting, hoping, ?Do you think she is worth it...Only you can answer

[tinker]

I think the main draw about her is what her undying loyalty was to the man that left her. I want that. I've been cheated on in my last relationship and and stayed around trying to work things out. This guy cheated on her too, but she stayed until he actually left. I feel that if she fell for me, we would absolutely be loyal to each other and I would no longer suffer from the trust issues I've gone through before. I mean we certainly get along and share a lot of similar interests as well.

 

She seems interested in me when we are together, but it's clearly different when we are not.

 

I know if I confront her about it at this point she'll back off though. She'll tell me she isn't ready for a relationship and then she'll probably go back to only speaking to me a few days a week or during the weekends rather than mostly every day and seeing each other in the fashion that we do. It's a delicate situation that I quite don't know how to handle.

[hogwild]

Hi tinker. If you re-read your post you'll find that you spoke almost entirely about sex and attraction and almost nothing about values in common with her. You hardly even expressed how she makes you happy besides looks/sex!

 

This was not an oversight.

 

Be honest with yourself.

 

You can and WILL find a girl who is not only pretty and sexy but also makes you feel great because of who she is as a person.

 

If you met a pretty girl you could laugh with, share fun times with, have passion with, and you two both wanted the same things in life... you'd forget all about this girl you've been quasi-dating/groping when she's not riding her ex's boink-stick.

 

Every day you're entangled with the WRONG girl is a day where the RIGHT girl can slip away.

 

HINT: The right girl is not polishing her ex-boyfriend's romance rod. She's using that free time to bring you pizza.

 

Have the confidence to get out there and meet more women until you are satisfied that you have an awesome girl who is 100% into you.

[Axee]

This guy cheated on her too, but she stayed until he actually left.

 

This means she has issues, its not a good thing . She will be that way ONLY if she loves you.. But she hasnt showed signs of that.She is emotionally unavailable.

 

To be honest, I would say you keep a distance for a year or so and then have a rethink..

 

My suggestion, please dont complicate your life. I am saying from a similar experience, being in a limbo is very draining..

[tinker]

We definitely do have things in common. We've done a decent amount of things together and have had a lot of fun doing so as well. Concerts/trips to the beach/picnics/a few weddings together.

 

I think part of it is the chase for me to be honest. I suppose maybe I should continue to see her, but maybe I shouldn't limit my opportunities to go out and meet other women as well.

 

There's also a girl at work who I think has been eyeing me, but office romance can also become a tricky situation. I certainly have the confidence in meeting other people, but I can't deny the way I feel about this girl either ya know?

[cdt76]

We definitely do have things in common. We've done a decent amount of things together and have had a lot of fun doing so as well. Concerts/trips to the beach/picnics/a few weddings together.

 

I think part of it is the chase for me to be honest. I suppose maybe I should continue to see her, but maybe I shouldn't limit my opportunities to go out and meet other women as well.

 

There's also a girl at work who I think has been eyeing me, but office romance can also become a tricky situation. I certainly have the confidence in meeting other people, but I can't deny the way I feel about this girl either ya know?

 

Ok, now this is where you should be careful. I think a conversation with this girl needs to happen. I think you should sit her down, tell her how you feel. That it's been 8 months, that you thoroughly enjoy being with her, that you like where the relationship is going and that you love how she makes you feel. You especially enjoy making her smile and laugh and feel good. With that said, how invested in the relationship is she? Where does she see the two of you in 4 months? Don't talk too much. Ask the questions and listen. Listen to her answers. If she is non-committal and vague, you have your answer and you should keep your options open with other women. If she is sincere and straight forward, I think, depending on which way she goes, you get to then have clarification of where she is. Don't assume anthing. She is a woman. Think of a man's brain like a waffle. When he is watching TV the square in his brain with TV is only functioning. A woman's brain is like spagetti. So you have to listen.

[kendallk]

No offense but your story doesn't add up.

 

First you say you are looking for something meaningful, then later comment you screwed a bunch of chicks you don't care about while you were wanting to date this woman.

 

Also, in my experience, decent men don't screw a bunch of women they don't care about. Just my .02. You seem like one of those guys who is a shallow jerk that walks around saying hes nice. She prob. doesn't think you are "too nice" as you say but she just isn't into you for another reason. It happens

[tinker]

Maybe I put it the wrong way. The women I slept with were friends of mine. One was a one night stand. These things happen all of the time when you are single and having fun. The point I was trying to make was that I obviously wouldn't be doing those things if I was with her, or any other woman I deeply cared for.

 

I think cdt76 has it right. I'm going to wait maybe another month or so and see if there are any changes. Like I said, our relationship started out as friends who would occasionally mess around and for a very long time she maintained that she didn't want to sleep with me because she didn't want me to get attached. And we mainly hung out in groups, with occasionally dates between each other here and there.

 

But now now we have slept together a handful of times in the last month, so clearly something has changed on her end.

 

I'm just still slightly confused as to why she seems pretty interested in me when we are alone and given the fact that she wants to spend much more alone time with me, but still pretty much ignores my texts/calls practically for hours or a day.

 

I'm thinking she simply doesn't care enough, is still banging her ex/possibly another guy, or perhaps both.

 

In any case, if this continues for another month, I'll sit down and have a talk with her and see if she thinks this can actually go anywhere.

[kendallk]

Maybe I put it the wrong way. The women I slept with were friends of mine. One was a one night stand. These things happen all of the time when you are single and having fun. The point I was trying to make was that I obviously wouldn't be doing those things if I was with her, or any other woman I deeply cared for.

 

I think cdt76 has it right. I'm going to wait maybe another month or so and see if there are any changes. Like I said, our relationship started out as friends who would occasionally mess around and for a very long time she maintained that she didn't want to sleep with me because she didn't want me to get attached. And we mainly hung out in groups, with occasionally dates between each other here and there.

 

But now now we have slept together a handful of times in the last month, so clearly something has changed on her end.

 

I'm just still slightly confused as to why she seems pretty interested in me when we are alone and given the fact that she wants to spend much more alone time with me, but still pretty much ignores my texts/calls practically for hours or a day.

 

I'm thinking she simply doesn't care enough, is still banging her ex/possibly another guy, or perhaps both.

 

In any case, if this continues for another month, I'll sit down and have a talk with her and see if she thinks this can actually go anywhere.

 

Speak for yourself. I don't have one night stands and Im single and have a ****load more fun than most people I meet. Maybe those things happen for you due to your personality and lack of self control. Of, so these friends are people you don't care about? Yeah you sound like a jerk who is delusional. Men that sleep around don't make good boyfriends anyway. If she ignores you, shes just not into you (for whatever reason youll prob never find out why)

[Phoe]

The women I slept with were friends of mine. One was a one night stand. These things happen all of the time when you are single and having fun.

 

Not really...

 

 

I'd say probably 95% of people DON'T behave in that manner. Having sex with friends is not something that most people do lol.

[tlegend]

Not really...

 

 

I'd say probably 95% of people DON'T behave in that manner. Having sex with friends is not something that most people do lol.

 

Depends on the person.

 

You're telling me when you were 21, in college, that you never slept with a friend?

 

I call bull****.

[kendallk]

Depends on the person.

 

You're telling me when you were 21, in college, that you never slept with a friend?

 

I call bull****.

 

 

Nope. I know...its crazy some people have good character and values.

 

But you are a guy, so most people, you wont get judged for it anyway. Really only women get judged for that stuff.

[Axee]

Lets not get into a debate as to what the OP is doing is right or wrong....If both the girls and OP knows that its a casual fling then nothing like it...

 

OP you are currently into this girl alone and I am afraid you will not be able to invest in other girls to pursue a serious relationship..

If you choose to sit down and talk, you are sure to get something non committal and something vague like lets see where it goes...

 

I know you may not be strong enough to completely stop, but please be aware of the things that cud happen, it will make you better prepared for good or for worse...

[tinker]

Depends on the person.

 

You're telling me when you were 21, in college, that you never slept with a friend?

 

I call bull****.

 

 

Exactly, you guys act like casual sex is a horrible thing. It absolutely is not. Now if I were sleeping with women who were in other relationships, that'd be much different. I've been faithful to every woman I've ever been with when I've been in a relationship. I guess occassional one night stands and sleeping with a few acquaintances makes me a horrible person. To each their own. It's 2013, not 1947.