Kayla-May Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 (edited) ok, so, My ex boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me just over 2 months ago, it was a total shock for me, as I thought we were doing great... Any way he said he wasn't happy any more, and that was that, but I was left totally heart broken, and I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I have tried so much to help me, like joining a gym, therapy, going out with friends, I have even tried dating and 1 rebound, but nothing is helping at all. My ex starting sleeping with a younger girl 2 weeks after we broke up, which totally crushed me, and I recently found out that they are now official... so once again he is in a serious relationship, and although I should be so angry with him for not being able to at least wait a little out of respect for me, all I can feel for him is worry. I worry that he has jumped into a new relationship too fast and someone is going to get hurt, and all I want to do is shake him and say 'what the hell are you doing??!!' but obviously I wont because that is not my place to say... However, we still text on a daily basis... but it is always me that initiates the texting... and it is never about any thing that would suggest any thing, and he never gives me hope, it is literally just general chit chat... and I know for a face that it is prolonging my recovery time and I am not helping myself at all.... but I don't know what else to do... he was my best friend as well as my boyfriend, and I have pretty much lost all my friends through this break up, because they were all mutual friends of ours... I also can't really talk to my family... (long story) but I feel totally alone. I love and miss him more than any thing, I would probably walk through fire for him as crazy as that sounds... but I have come to the point where I know that I am not doing any thing to help myself by keeping in contact with him, I mean I know that he would't text me if I didn't text him first, and I know that I am making it worse for myself, I just don't know how to stop. But I want to!! I want to help myself, I want to start feeling better about myself, and I want to try and move on with my life, and realise that I will be happy again... I know I have taken a step forward, because I want to move on now.... I just honestly have ran out of ideas as to how... and I am in desperate need of some tips on how to avoid wanting to text my ex all the time... I just don't get why the hell I do it.... I know it makes me look desperate, and like I have no self respect... It just makes me feel better if I have heard from him.... but I seriously need some advice.... oh also... I do have a job, but its evening work in a bar, so during the day I am pretty much just maoping about in my pj's and feeling sorry for myself.... No friends, No life, and craving happiness xxx Edited October 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Add paragraphs
Mariposa10 Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I know how you're feeling, your story is very similar to mine. I'm glad to hear you want to do something about the pain you're feeling. You need to start blocking him from Facebook/Twitter, etc. Also delete his number or if you already have it memorized, change your number. You will start healing as soon as you stop having any kind of contact with him. He's only thinking about himself right now. He's already in a relationship, if he wasn't happy with the relationship why didn't he leave before, but no he wanted until he had someone else. He's selfish, now it's your time to be selfish. Take care of yourself, love yourself because in the end nobody will ever love you as much as you will love yourself. If you need to vent, you can always come here. When I went through my breakup of so many years, I also didn't really tell my family only one friend. I did all the venting here. Things do get better, just let time do its thing. Good luck!!
sambo77 Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Hey Kayla, Sorry to hear what you are going through. I don't think you should feel like you are pathetic or desperate. It isn't pathetic or desperate to long for the one you love after they have suddenly severed your bond with them. It's human. You are not a robot. I don't think the point of your post is really to ask us how you can not contact your ex. You already know that. You just don't do it anymore. I think what you're really doing here is telling us that the thought of not contacting him anymore scares the living daylights out of you. And I think you know that doing it is going to turn your grief up a notch or two higher. It means you'll be even less psychologically connected to him, it will be another nail in the coffin so to speak. And that will hurt some more. You've admitted to us and to yourself that you're ready to take the next step in detaching yourself from him Kayla...that shows you care about yourself enough to recognise what is in your best interests. Take a deep breath...and start NC...I am sure that folks here will be with you all the way. I will be...I am in exactly the same boat.
Author Kayla-May Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 I deleted him off Facebook, twitter etc as soon as I found out he was in another relationship... because I didn't want to be seeing photos of him with his new girlfriend etc... but Yea I have his number memorised, but In a strange way, I feel like I want to say one last thing to him to really make him think before I start the no contact, that sounds weird, but at the moment he holds all the cards, and has all of the control... I just wish there was one last thing I could say to take a little of that control back, and to maybe make him think, 'oh... she's not bothered' I dunno... my head is all over the place, and yea I really do hope that I can vent and find comfort a little here... because I seriously don't have any one to talk to... I know everyone goes through a stage of feeling lonely after a break up... but I can honestly say, that I literally am alone... I have my work friends... but we are not really friends out side of work... and thats it... my mum is just very oh move on... blah blah... not great at the advice thing... and I do feel like I am annoying people with my depressive state, so I remove myself from situations that make me uncomfortable, and if I feel like I am annoying people, I will just spend time alone... but then I over think everything... I am very good at over thinking everything, and this whole break up has made me insanely paranoid... just wanna be happy again x
Author Kayla-May Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 I guess it isn't all about the no contact no... I feel it is kind of about losing him all together... He has said throughout that he wants to be able to be friends with me, but at the same time I feel like I am the only one making any effort to be friends... it is almost like I cannot stop my hands texting him.... its insane... also, I guess that I am just looking for tips to actually start helping myself, I mean like I said earlier, I have tried a lot of things, but I think I find it harder because I haven't got many friends or places to escape etc... so unless I am working which is not often, I am just in my bed watching tv and drinking wine... (occasionally) all the hobbies I used to love, I now dread the thought of... and also I have just finished my degree at university a few months ago... and I think that isnt helping me at all, because I feel like I don't have any thing to concentrate on... everything has kind of come to an end all at once, sorry for the essays guys x
darkmoon Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 meetup is good for making friends, meeting people
Fufu Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I guess it isn't all about the no contact no... I feel it is kind of about losing him all together... He has said throughout that he wants to be able to be friends with me, but at the same time I feel like I am the only one making any effort to be friends... it is almost like I cannot stop my hands texting him.... its insane... also, I guess that I am just looking for tips to actually start helping myself, I mean like I said earlier, I have tried a lot of things, but I think I find it harder because I haven't got many friends or places to escape etc... so unless I am working which is not often, I am just in my bed watching tv and drinking wine... (occasionally) all the hobbies I used to love, I now dread the thought of... and also I have just finished my degree at university a few months ago... and I think that isnt helping me at all, because I feel like I don't have any thing to concentrate on... everything has kind of come to an end all at once, sorry for the essays guys x Like you said, you felt that you are the only one making the efforts to remain friends. So why are you going against your words? As long as you still have very strong emotional feelings for him, my advice is not to contact him because it hurts seriously hurts just being friends with a person you used to have a committed relationship with. Why put yourself in this hurtful situation? This period of time is the toughest after a break up. However, you can go through this period by starting to focus more on yourself.
Never Again Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 (edited) As much as some people will scoff at "taking back the power", it can help in the healing process. It really doesn't, and shouldn't, matter how your ex responds to you "takin' it back". What matters is how YOU feel about it. I sent the fabled "closure letter". Honestly? It helped a lot. I sent her a letter saying how, if things had slipped, then the breakup was definitely for the best. I wished her well and told her I'd always think positively of her, but that i felt we definitely needed space. Writing this out helped force me to accept things I didn't want to. Putting it in the mail meant that I'd never know when/if she got it and that she wasn't obligated to respond. Some will say to write it but not send it. Personally, I say send it IF you can avoid talking about your feelings. They know how you feel already, and any more of that talk will just give them more power over you. Now NC generated positive feelings in myself for why I was doing it. I wasn't avoiding her because I "couldn't handle it"...I was choosing to cut contact because it was, without question, the best thing to do. I was in control of being NC even if my ex contacted me, and could calmly tell her "I'm sorry I can't talk...I meant it when I said I needed space for now". It felt good. Everyone heals differently though, so don't do anything that will hurt you in the long run. Edited October 16, 2013 by Pfenixphire
Simon Phoenix Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 You just have to "man up", for a lack of a better term, and stop texting him. As far as the "I don't want to lose him" mentality, you haven't accepted the fact that he is already lost. You don't have him right now, there's nothing to maintain. As far as the closure letter, write it for yourself but do not send it to him. It's good to get your words on to paper or on to a computer screen, but you sending him isn't going to suddenly "make him think". This isn't a movie, this is real life. His response, or more than likely, his non-response, will devastate you more. He's with someone else. You have to accept that. And you need to increase your social network somehow, via meetup.com or just meeting people through clubs, activities, etc. 1
Zahara Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 (edited) I have tried so much to help me, like joining a gym, therapy, going out with friends, I have even tried dating and 1 rebound, but nothing is helping at all. There is no point in doing any of the above and expecting results when you keep engaging with what is causing you pain. You will get zero results. The one thing you haven't tried is cutting all contact. You can't get better if you keep going back to what is making you sick. And you're not worried about him getting into another relationship. Be honest. You're just worried that he's slipping away and moving on. So if you're using that excuse to keep intouch, drop it. Tips on how to stop texting? Well, how about the next time you want to reach out, say to yourself, "This man doesn't want me anymore, and when someone doesn't want me anymore, I should leave them alone and walk the other way." Step back and think for a few minutes versus reacting on emotion. Or imagine they're in bed cuddling and loving each other, then the phone goes off and he says to her, "Oh, it's Kayla again." Yuck, right? He's probably rolling his eyes everytime you reach out and just being polite when he answers. That is why he never initiates. It's over. Why would you keep wanting to disrespect yourself and continue allowing yourself to be viewed that way? Edited October 16, 2013 by Zahara
JoJo54321 Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 When youhave loved someone as much as you obviusly have then it is not demeaning to try all you can to get someone back. Maybe by now you are felling stronger and can put all your energies in to moving on. Each day you will fell better and then in times to come you will relaise he wasn't the one for you, good luck
Author Kayla-May Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 I know you are all talking a lot of sense... and as from today I am seriously going to try the no contact... I just wish there was a way of me leaving it looking strong, and not desperate... I guess what I am in need of now, is help and advice on how to heal myself. Yes I have a hell of a lot of free time, especially in the day times, and I have really lost interest in a lot of things that I used to love. I have no idea why... for example: I have just graduated with a BA Honours degree in Photography and Media, yet the thought of going out and about with my camera as I used to, horrifies me.... I think it has a lot to do with me doing a lot of photography and promotional work for my ex and his band, so I do kind of associate it with that, which may sound really silly... but that is where a lot of my work load came from. Also I used to sing... but have lost interest because that is how we met... I am so sick of feeling this way because I am starting to get annoyed with myself let alone other people. I just need to learn to enjoy my own company, and be happy about being single... cos right now, I hate the thought of facing this all alone... and I know I don't have much choice in that matter, but I really want to learn to not only accept it, but be ok about it, and embrace it as good rather than something negative. I really do want to help myself guys... x
Simon Phoenix Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I know you are all talking a lot of sense... and as from today I am seriously going to try the no contact... I just wish there was a way of me leaving it looking strong, and not desperate... I guess what I am in need of now, is help and advice on how to heal myself. Yes I have a hell of a lot of free time, especially in the day times, and I have really lost interest in a lot of things that I used to love. I have no idea why... for example: I have just graduated with a BA Honours degree in Photography and Media, yet the thought of going out and about with my camera as I used to, horrifies me.... I think it has a lot to do with me doing a lot of photography and promotional work for my ex and his band, so I do kind of associate it with that, which may sound really silly... but that is where a lot of my work load came from. Also I used to sing... but have lost interest because that is how we met... I am so sick of feeling this way because I am starting to get annoyed with myself let alone other people. I just need to learn to enjoy my own company, and be happy about being single... cos right now, I hate the thought of facing this all alone... and I know I don't have much choice in that matter, but I really want to learn to not only accept it, but be ok about it, and embrace it as good rather than something negative. I really do want to help myself guys... x The only way to "leave strong" is to leave. No contacting him, no explaining why you aren't contacting him, just disappear. That will make you look stronger than anything you could possibly say. 3
Zahara Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 The way to look strong and not desperate is to stop contacting him. That is the only way. It's normal to slump into depression when you experience a break-up. People on here, with full on NC, after two-three months are still feeling the pain and hopelessness. Keeping in contact is prolonging the pain and keeping you in a hole. The best thing to do, is face the pain because until you do that, you'll never get to the other side. Keeping in contact with him shields you from feeling the pain. Time to let go. You are very fresh into your break-up and it is normal to find life bleak. You must NC, and continue what you have been doing. Take that camera out and force yourself to click, and click what inspires you. Maybe teach? I can't find a damn photography class in my area! Volunteer? Take up a new hobby. Keep going to therapy. Read self-help books. Keep going to the gym. Engage in positive even if you have to kick yourself to do it. Healing is work. There is no fast fix to a broken heart. One day at a time. Living life and trying to make it till you find yourself feeling good again. Half the battle won is wanting better and accepting that it is time to move on. 1
organizedchaos Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I know you are all talking a lot of sense... and as from today I am seriously going to try the no contact... I just wish there was a way of me leaving it looking strong, and not desperate... I guess what I am in need of now, is help and advice on how to heal myself. Yes I have a hell of a lot of free time, especially in the day times, and I have really lost interest in a lot of things that I used to love. I have no idea why... for example: I have just graduated with a BA Honours degree in Photography and Media, yet the thought of going out and about with my camera as I used to, horrifies me.... I think it has a lot to do with me doing a lot of photography and promotional work for my ex and his band, so I do kind of associate it with that, which may sound really silly... but that is where a lot of my work load came from. Also I used to sing... but have lost interest because that is how we met... I am so sick of feeling this way because I am starting to get annoyed with myself let alone other people. I just need to learn to enjoy my own company, and be happy about being single... cos right now, I hate the thought of facing this all alone... and I know I don't have much choice in that matter, but I really want to learn to not only accept it, but be ok about it, and embrace it as good rather than something negative. I really do want to help myself guys... x There is, and as others have mentioned, the way to leave and look strong is not to send a letter or keep texting him. The way to leave and look strong is to disappear, vanish. THEN he'll wonder why you've stopped pursuing him. He'll wonder if you have moved on or if there's someone else. You need to show you don't care anymore. This is what I'm working on.
BC1980 Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 What you are going through is totally normal. Honestly, it's the grief process. You are losing someone. It took me 4 months to decide to go NC after my breakup. I feel foolish that it took me so long, but I was living in denial really. I have been about 6 weeks NC, and it still really hurts some days. Sometimes, I feel great. These past few days have been particularly bad. Like Simon said, you really have to "man up" and go NC. Just do it. Make the decision, and go NC. It's your only choice at this point.
organizedchaos Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 And OP read this post from Barky. I read it practically once a day.
Author Kayla-May Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 I just constantly feel like I have got a huge lump in my throat. Now I don't drink very often, but to be totally honest, that is the only time that I feel a little more myself... I can honestly say, speaking to him or not, I don't feel like me any more...
Zahara Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I just constantly feel like I have got a huge lump in my throat. Now I don't drink very often, but to be totally honest, that is the only time that I feel a little more myself... I can honestly say, speaking to him or not, I don't feel like me any more... Alcohol is a depressant. And it can make you trigger emotionally. Stay away from it, at least until you get on track. Of course, you don't feel like you. You are wounded. A big gaping hole in your soul.
Author Kayla-May Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 he and I live in 2 towns next to each other, only about 3 miles apart, and to shop and for nightlife his town is a lot better, and I would always usually go there to shop and for a night out, no question about it, but recently since I know he has a new relationship, I cannot bring myself to step foot there. I have a lot of friends over there, but I am petrified. I am not really scared of seeing him, but its seeing him with her that I am so scared of. So I simply don't put myself in that situation. Yes I want him back, and I know I shouldn't after everything he has done. He even broke up with me via text after 4 years.... so I should be raging angry! but I just miss him... I know what you are saying about control and taking it back by becoming unavailable, but I think the reason I find that so hard is because I have no one, and he knows that.... I can't really talk to my family, and I wouldn't say that I have any true friends that I can trust 100% thats what he used to be.... my best friend who I told everything to... and now I am learning to only ever trust myself... problem is... I don't really like myself much right now x
Simon Phoenix Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 he and I live in 2 towns next to each other, only about 3 miles apart, and to shop and for nightlife his town is a lot better, and I would always usually go there to shop and for a night out, no question about it, but recently since I know he has a new relationship, I cannot bring myself to step foot there. I have a lot of friends over there, but I am petrified. I am not really scared of seeing him, but its seeing him with her that I am so scared of. So I simply don't put myself in that situation. Yes I want him back, and I know I shouldn't after everything he has done. He even broke up with me via text after 4 years.... so I should be raging angry! but I just miss him... I know what you are saying about control and taking it back by becoming unavailable, but I think the reason I find that so hard is because I have no one, and he knows that.... I can't really talk to my family, and I wouldn't say that I have any true friends that I can trust 100% thats what he used to be.... my best friend who I told everything to... and now I am learning to only ever trust myself... problem is... I don't really like myself much right now x Well, maybe this will teach you a lesson -- don't make your boyfriend the sole entirety of your life. That's probably a lot of the reason that he decided to end it with you -- being the sole focal point of another person is exhausting. It's time for you to make new friends, or try to reconnect with old ones that you might have discarded because you devoted way too much energy toward your b/f. You have to be active and stop making excuses. Either way, your partner should be a positive addition to your life, not your entire life. 1
Author Kayla-May Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 I never disconnected with any friends, because we has the same friends, were were all in a close friendship group before we got together, and we kept the same circle of friends throughout our relationship, but they have all followed him unfortunately, and I haven't heard from any of them since we broke up. And I think that is what is making it a lot harder. I do have a couple of friends that I have always kept in contact with that are not mutual, but I don't think I could call them 100% true friends. By best friends were our friends, and I loved every single one of them, but it's all gone now... all of it....
Author Kayla-May Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 Thank you everyone for your replies. Today like and idiot I text him again, and it seems as though his replies are getting less, and he is starting to be a bit cold with me. So tomorrow I am going to really try hard to stick with no contact. I'm just going to take it one day at a time; and each day will be a mini achievement... His older sister contacted me earlier on Facebook and was really lovely to me, we were always really close, and she said that all the family misses me and finds it really strange that me and my ex are not together and I'm not around any more... I don't know maybe his family think he has made a mistake, but ultimately it's what he thinks and wants and I know that... I'm just having a really hard time accepting it and moving on. Knowing he is with someone else and he doesn't love me any more makes me sick to my stomach. And It really is a struggle getting through the day... To be honest I look forward to bed time so that I can switch off for a little while.... I just wish I was stronger and could deal with this all a lot better. I don't want to dread getting up in the morning. It's just getting too much now how do you all cope? Xx
petall Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I rarely have a day when I don't want to contact him. But I have never ever contacted him. Not once since BU. Why? Because I am not prepared to take the risk of getting more burnt. Think of it as being in a hole. You want to get out as quickly as possible. Contacting your ex means you dig yourself deeper and deeper into the hole, losing more and more of your dignity. It becomes harder and harder for you to recover because the pain gets more and more entrenched through your continued acts. That's why the best advice is to go NC from Day 1 of BU so you start giving yourself the best chance to recover, without exposing yourself more than you have already. You put a stop to any further loss of power by saying "No" to grovelling, pleading or any other ego boosting acts towards your ex. This puts you in the position to start to recover because you start to regain your equilibrium instead of continuing to feel vulnerable and sh*tty through continuing to communicate where he can potentially be very mean to you. 2
Minneloa Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 OP, I am sorry you are hurting. This is a great place to vent and get support. You have received some excellent advice on this thread, and I only want to add that it's important for you to view your actions as a choice, i.e., I am choosing to go No Contact becuase it is healthy for ME, regardless of what my ex might do or think or feel. For me, that is the key: I may not have chosen the breakup, but I sure as heck will choose how I respond to it! Every day, I choose dignity and forward motion, even if I feel sad & lost. Sending good thoughts, M.
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