hudson701 Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 If you're ridiculously busy - should you be even dating? A girl I met at a summer festival in June reached out late August to chat and we set up a date. Naturally I was blown away as 8 weeks had passed, and I'd forgotten about her, as initially she blew me off for other reasons. We set up a date first week of September and it went fantastic. Since then I have only seen her twice. The second date wasn't so great, but the 3rd was a good dinner at a venue of her choice. However my overwhelming gut feeling is that things were a bit off- she was pleasant, but came across on-guard and wasn't affectionate or flirty in the slightest. I got the impression that any subsequent dates would be identical- nice, but not going anywhere, not for lack off effort on my part but rather her reservation. She is a very busy woman- she works shifts as a nurse, has ran two half marathons and had two family mini holidays. We've been trying to make plans to see each other again but between work and arrangements she's made with friends means I won't see her for another 2 weeks, which will be 5 weeks since I last saw her. I'm beginning to think what's the point? I gave her a friendly ultimatum stating that you don't seem very interested- and that's fine- life's to short to wait around for something that may not happen. We're both near 30 so are not kiddies when it comes to dating. She was in total agreement with me but insisted she was still interested and wanted to continue, despite me giving her the option of the very easy, non-confrontational 'fade-away' text exit. She's clearly busy with work and hobbies, having fun with her friends so should she be even dating, when her spare time is non-existent? My question is am I being strung along here, feeding her ego? I'm at the age now where I'm in my physical prime and really am done with all the dating BS games- I'm quite happy to move on to the next as I'm confident in myself to be able to do that- I don't need this. Or, should I give her the benefit of the doubt, stick around and see where it goes? Seeing someone for a couple hours every 2-3 weeks is not my idea of dating. I'm thinking there's plenty more out there who would make more of an effort. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to see someone once a week? Advice appreciated, I'm at an utter loss as to what to do with this one. My gut feeling is saying walk away, but we do have a massive amount in common which I'm keen to expand further to see where it goes. In my 30 years on this planet my gut feeling has always proved right in any major decision I've made. I suspect it's the same for most of you on here?
soccerrprp Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Hudson, I would let her know that the lack of time together is not doing it for you. You've decided to be exclusive? If so, tell her that you want more face time, if not, date other girls. Personally, I wouldn't multi-date and would simply let her go if she can't show that the relationship (which it barely is, really) is a priority in some way.
jrh1524 Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Girls with high interest levels will MAKE time to see you NO MATTER WHAT. 4
todreaminblue Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 i agree with soccer, more face time is needed and if you are truly interested in someone no matter how ridiculously busy you are, you make time, you schedule that guy or woman in to your life and immerse them slowly...that to me is interest anything else isnt.....dates can be rescheduled but not constantly sometimes ....that person has to come first.....marathon or not......exclusive dating to me is at least once a week...even if its a quick ice cream at the beach while jogging to a marathon ro a mini holiday....warm up with cramps from ice cream atatched.or talkign on the halg jog about what your plans are for the next week.......if you care you make time....it is possible to date when you are busy .......deb
Author hudson701 Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 Thanks all for re-confirming what I already thought. Agree with every one of your comments. Dating should be fun and exciting, not a chore. If it's difficult now then it can only spell problems for the future. Especially agree with making time and that person a priority, she doesn't seem to be doing this. She's offering dates but their weeks away. 1
salparadise Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Of course she has the right to use you as entertainment when she doesn't have something she'd rather be doing... just as you have the right to realize that's exactly what's going on and say enough of this bull$hit. If you aren't near the top of her her priorities in the early phase, where do you think you'll rank six months or a year from now? It seems clear to me that she's emotionally self sufficient (or unavailable), significantly self-focused, and not the least bit interested in whether she's meeting your needs or even interacting very often, which is what most people expect from a relationship. If your friendly ultimatum didn't shake things up what are your alternatives? You could do the fade on this woman and she wouldn't even notice! And that's exactly what I'd recommend. There is a fundamental incompatibility. It's a shame if you're really attracted or attached, but otherwise just another one that's not a good match for whatever reason. 3
RedRobin Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 ... or she realizes that it takes a good 2-3 months before someone's true personality comes out and she doesn't care to escalate things until then. You might ask her if you could see her more often and what her view of relationships are. As long as you both are splitting the bill on dates, travel distance, time, etc... I really don't see the issue here. It's called getting to know you... 1
carhill Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Each person decides for themselves how much of their time they choose to devote to various activities and pursuits, dating included. My advice in this specific situation would be to continue dating other women and, as you feel, enjoy social interactions with this lady. Focus on the moment. If that interaction is positive and uplifting, then it is. That moment is no guarantee of a next moment. Feelings, life circumstances and personal decisions change constantly. That's really good information when getting to know someone.
FitChick Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 ... or she realizes that it takes a good 2-3 months before someone's true personality comes out and she doesn't care to escalate things until then. You might ask her if you could see her more often and what her view of relationships are. As long as you both are splitting the bill on dates, travel distance, time, etc... I really don't see the issue here. It's called getting to know you... You can't get to know someone without seeing them or at the very least having frequent, long conversations to see if you even want to spend any time with them. She isn't interested. I bet if a hot doctor pursued her, she'd make the time. 3
RedRobin Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 You can't get to know someone without seeing them or at the very least having frequent, long conversations to see if you even want to spend any time with them. She isn't interested. I bet if a hot doctor pursued her, she'd make the time. I act the same whether the guy is a hot doctor or blue collar. A man's occupation doesn't matter to me as long as he's not over his eyeballs in debt and can pay his bills. I've learned not to get head over heels about anyone I just met... There are lots of ways to get to know people. I'll grant you that I make the same assumption about men... that if they were really interested in me they'd see me more than once a week or two... However, I don't expect to see a lot of them when we are just getting to know each other. I'd rather see how they conduct their lives before I invest in them too much emotionally, and especially physically.
TheBladeRunner Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 "Too busy" syndrome is pretty common these days I think. I have run into that as well. But everyone here is right when they say if that person is into you, they WILL make time for you. Seeing someone once a week is about all I have time for these days, but for some their life is so full of friends, family, and other activities that once a week can be a tall order. I went through the same thing with a woman that was into me, but between work, her son, and the stuff she did with her friends I was lucky if I saw her twice a month. In the end it would not have worked anyway, but I think if we spent a little more time together in the early stages I may have figured that out sooner.
MalachiX Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 The thing is that you've said she seemed on-guard even on a "good" date. This indicates that her problem isn't that she's busy but her problem is that she doesn't really want to commit/trust-you. Normally I'd say she's just trying to fade away without any drama so I'm a surprised she didn't take you up on "letting her go" when you offered. My guess is one of two things might be going on. 1.) She's a coward. She really isn't that interested in you but she chickened out when you gave her an easy fade-away. This does happen sometimes with those who have a "people-pleasing" personality and don't want to make others sad. or (more likely) 2.) She's basically keeping you on the hook. She's not interested enough in you to make time for you. However, some part of her likes the fact that you're doing all the work and bending over backwards to go out with her. She probably likes having someone who desires her waiting in the wings and she might not mind having someone to date from time to time when it's convenient for her. Thus, you're easy to keep around. As long as yo keep putting in the effort, she'll keep you around without actually giving you what you want (until she finds someone else that is). Either way, it's best to drop her ASAP. If she had any REAL interest in your should would make time. I don't mean any of this to sound cynical or harsh. I'm sure you're an awesome guy who deserves to be treated better than this.
Author hudson701 Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 I agree with everything said so far- I'm happy to move on and let this one go, I've given her the easy option out but she said no. What has confused me is that on Monday she still tried to set up a date for 2 weeks time, giving me days she was available. But I kept thinking 'really?' 'Whats the point?' Having to book me in her diary etc... I mean it all seems a bit futile to me, forced even. Busy = not interested. Yip, I like that. Definitely something I would do in a cowardly situation.
kendallk Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 She isn't ridiculously busy. Shes just not that into you. 2
Radu Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Of course she has the right to use you as entertainment when she doesn't have something she'd rather be doing... just as you have the right to realize that's exactly what's going on and say enough of this bull$hit. If you aren't near the top of her her priorities in the early phase, where do you think you'll rank six months or a year from now? It seems clear to me that she's emotionally self sufficient (or unavailable), significantly self-focused, and not the least bit interested in whether she's meeting your needs or even interacting very often, which is what most people expect from a relationship. If your friendly ultimatum didn't shake things up what are your alternatives? You could do the fade on this woman and she wouldn't even notice! And that's exactly what I'd recommend. There is a fundamental incompatibility. It's a shame if you're really attracted or attached, but otherwise just another one that's not a good match for whatever reason. As DL also pointed out, you are being put in the cathegory of entertainment, or she is keeping you as an option while dating others. Both are bad. On this forum, it is recommended that ppl have fun by themselves and do not rely on dating someone to validate their own existence. That is true, but when you end up putting friends, activities and just about everything in the Universe above dating someone ... that's not good or healthy [especially to the other person]. 1
hasekninh Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 No one is too busy when it comes to someone they're into... Not seeing eachother for 5 weeks is unacceptable... I'm busy I work and I'm a full time mom I managed to see my ex at least 2 times a week... It is early stages but a sure prediction of what lies ahead.... I agree, she CAN"T be that supper busy. If she really SUPER busy than how come she has time for her friend but NOT you. If she interested in you, she should put the effort and make time for you. PERIODS.
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