Shosh Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 This may sound a bit weird, so let me explain. I am a very social person, by that I mean that I like to get out of the house as much as possible. Ideally every day on the weekend, Friday and Saturday night and at least once or twice during the week. I don't really care what I am doing, I just don't like sitting at home by myself, I'd rather be outside with other people. When I am single and casually dating a few people (really just dating, no hooking up etc) I usually have 1-2 dates on the weekend and 1 during the week. In addition to meeting girlfriends 1-2 times during the week. I like this and this rhythm works well for me. However, I've noticed that once I start dating someone exclusively I tend to spend much more time at home. Mostly because the guy usually doesn't want to meet more than once or twice a week and naturally I am no longer going on dates with other men. Unfortunately that usually leads to discontent on my part. For example, my last boyfriend did not like to meet more than once a week, which was usually Saturday night. He would normally stay over but leave Sunday around noon to have lunch with his family. This meant that I was by myself Friday night, Saturday all day, Sunday most of the day and the whole rest of the week. I would still meet friends once or twice a week, for example for brunch on Sunday or a movie on Wednesday, but I just spent way more time by myself than I am comfortable with. I am happy to spend more time with my girlfriends, but most of them are married, in relationships, have kids, etc. so they don't have much time to hang out anyway. Also, if I am in a relationship I simply LIKE to see my guy more than once a week, not sure if that makes me clingy or needy. I thought about that and realized that this is my usual pattern in relationships. In the beginning I am happy with only seeing a guy once a week and maybe just speaking every few days, but once we are in an exclusive relationship I expect more interaction. And it is usually not me who insists on exclusivity, but the guys, who often ask me on the 2nd or 3rd date if I want to be their girlfriend. Did I mention that I am in my 30ies and date guys the same age? But for some reason they seem to think that the pattern of our interaction will continue the way it was before and then get upset when I want more of their time and attention. I am wondering if others are facing similar issues and how you handle them. Thank you for your input!
todreaminblue Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 when i am in a relationship i spend the same amount of time with friends, mainly women friends as when i am in a relationship the pattern is my male friends tend to fade off, the true ones stick around ...i am happy to spend time by myself in all truth i need it......so i go by how much time the guy is comfortable with but enjoy my free time..... doesnt mean i am a push over when it comes to guys....but i am easy going......i dont mind them dropping in if they are in the area a ten minute phone call is all i ask.... i dont mind if they call me out of the blue and say i want to see you if i am not busy and just relaxing ill say sure.....the guys i go out with normally want to spend more time with me....and i enjoy spending time with someone i am getting to know intimately...i dont mean sex i mean dreams hopes wishes thoughts views ...i think alone time is just as good as going out....its refreshing and cleansing to be able to reflect in peace...with music or a walk or whatever....i dont think clinging onto someone is fun...i dont cling to my friends or my partners....i handled a long distance relationship for many years with a workaholic...i am used to being by myself and can find soemthing to do...i do enjoy being with someone and i am normally relaxed when i am...because i take time out for myself...to me its a necessity to enjoy company you have to be able to enjoy your own...not only that but your company becomes enjoyable to others...they seek you out.........deb
Emilia Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I think I would be reluctant to keep seeing someone who only wanted a weekend lover. If someone is interested in a committed relationship with you, they usually want to see you more and get to know you really. Also you would hope that they enjoy your company so they would want more of it. I couldn't put an exact number on it but I wouldn't be happy with some kind of rigid timetable where a guy wants to spend his Saturday nights with me so he doesn't have to plan his weekend and me not being able to see my friends because it's the only time he is prepared to meet up I like more spontaneous things anyway to be honest, sometimes just coming up with an idea and doing that the same evening or whatever. I would expect the desire to spend more time together to grow though. 2
RedRobin Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 (edited) It's funny that you made this thread, OP. I was thinking about this just today. I've had a couple of relationships that either started out like you are talking about and stayed that way... or started out with a frequency I liked and seemed to taper off after that. Since I'm looking for someone who can share activities with me in addition to sex, it is pretty much a given that I'm not going to be happy if I'm just fun-time girlfriend that he squeezes in after his other obligations... and that is usually how it goes. On a nice night, I call them up, and it's "oh, I gotta make dinner for the kiddo"... or "My kid has a soccer team pizza party, can we reschedule?" And these are guys I'm exclusive with.... If it happens more than a couple times, I'm thinking "why am I exclusive now??" I've been dead set against multi-dating for years, as I believe it doesn't lead to emotional intimacy... however, I also believe that the lifestyle so many men prefer to have (even when they are in a so-called relationship) doesn't lead to real intimacy either... nor are they trying to build a life with someone. It's more like they are just killing time. I really believe I'd be happiest if I had 2 or maybe even 3 boyfriends. One for athletic stuff... one for artsy/creative activities... one for more intellectual pursuits. Especially if they are dads. The trick would be finding guys who have alternating weekends with the kids so I don't have to juggle schedules. Edited: to answer your question... yes, I do find that I'm spending more time by myself, but it isn't a problem necessarily. I can keep myself entertained, no problem. What I don't like is the being held in reserve and potentially off the market for someone who isn't actively trying to build something meaningful with me. Edited October 16, 2013 by RedRobin
ConstantVoyager Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I actually really value time to myself and often find that when I'm in a relationship I don't get quite enough of it. That said, I wouldn't be exclusive with a guy I only saw once a week. My boyfriend and I spend around three to four evenings/nights together a week, and that's perfect for me right now. He also knows me well enough that it's not weird if I ask if I can go nap or read for an hour by myself when I'm over at his place. He knows that sometimes I just need a little time to myself to gear back up to being social.
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