Closure, begging, NC, the works. At rock bottom.

[RollTide10]

So some of you have read my previous post on my situation, if not let me condense best I can, which just means its gonna be long anyways please read and try your hardest to help. 6 year relationship with amazing girl. Polar opposites, but made it work and became better people for it over the years. Broke up first time 5 months ago. She was very bitter, wanted me to leave her alone, etc etc. One month passes with LC. No real solid NC and she begins to invite me to her apt as friends. Had currently moved away from home a few hours for work and basically got lonely.

 

I jumped right into it. Heard there was a possibility she slept with someone the night after we split. Never was the same but was blinded by OMG I GET TO SEE HER!!!!!!!. Fast forward to now. We have split again last weekend. Never really out the label on our relationship again, but acted the part. I was working construction with her dad and gone a lot and she seemed extremely fine with it. She then too got a job on the road surrounded by men daily. Possibly of her being with that other guy reads its head. I become very needy. Clingy. Desperate. Don't want to work. Tired of work. Want to be home, ready to see you blah blah blah.

 

She has been texting a guy who works for her dad the past 3 weeks a lot. Didn't bother me too terribly much till I see an extremely flirtatious text from him to her. Not pissed about his text but more about what GAVE him the reason to send that text. I flipped. That night she calls it off. It's over done. She has told me I was being too clingy. My chances are through. Tired of living on broken promises I will change and wants somebody who is just happy to be with her without searching for all the negative. Now to the reason for the post.

 

This entire week I have been asking is this truly it? Are you done for good? One moment is I am extremely confused about everything. Then it's I'm completely willing to see and date other people if I'm interested. I just don't think I can retry now. 2 nights ago she comes to me with a personal issue only her and I know about. I think AHA!! You do have feelings somewhere in there. Wrong. Don't here from her all day the next day, not even an update on the birth of her nephew until I text and ask her. And then today oh today. I just had to dig deeper. I ask her to talk yet again and bring up the same damn question I've been harking on all week. I tell her if this is the end of us please be brutally honest you won't hurt me, if not I will take this day by day.

 

Welp she was brutally honest. "I've been emotionally checked out of this relationship for quite sometime. Hell that's why we broke up and we aren't talking much. I AM DONE THROUGH. Will I be forever? I don't know but as far as right now. I am done". You know me I try to give her the acceptance speech. "I accept this and respect your decision. I know you mentioned we could be friends, but for my emotional well being right now I don't think we can be and it's best if we don't talk until I am emotionally in a spot to where I can accept this and whatever might be going on in your life when that time comes" basically tryin to provoke a response.

 

Did I get one? Nope. Kept going. "If you want to be friends and you think that would be best for our relationship please let me know YADDA YADDA YADDA". I dug and dug and got what I thought I wanted to hear and now I can't handle it. Let me ask. Have a dug too deep? Could she be so emotionally withdrawn from me that there is no going back? I actually do accept it as I type right now and am initiating no contact. Full blown NC. But as far as that sliver of hope everybody has when doing NC, have a pushed too hard in a weeks times?

 

Any help is appreciated. The support on here can be brutal yet inspiring and I need all of it you all have to offer.

Edited October 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[keepontruckin]

Paragraphs.

[RollTide10]

Hopefully you wonderful folks who told me LAST DANG NIGHT to not contact her won't see this. Obviously I have failed you and myself. Could've left it last night with her telling me "For the love of God I can be your friend, but you needing a reason to text me isn't going to work. If that's the case that's a personal problem and idk what to tell you" and just skipped out. Said f*** it. No explanation to be had. Get away while you can. Salvage some respect and just let it run its course. But as most dumpees do, I didn't listen. Went right back to it and heard what I "thought" I wanted to hear, but nope. It officially took my heart that is already ripped in half and went ahead and chopped it into tiny little bits.

[RollTide10]

Cellphone. Sorry for no breaks, but on a cracked iPhone screen trying to makes breaks while also trying to have somewhat correct spelling is quite a chore. As is trying to read one long sentence I'm sure. I apologize.

[keepontruckin]

Trust us when we tell you to lay low...

 

You know Fonzie, we all know Fonzie. Become Fonzie for now, and stay cool.

 

Honestly? She's probably done with you, and there's not much you can do about that.

 

However, as time goes on you will appreciate not doing too much of wrong, and will also appreciate doing much of right...

[RollTide10]

This is just strictly out of curiosity. What makes you say she is probably done with you? Is it what I need to hear? Absolutely. If there were any main variables from reading my post that makes you really think she is done with me, please point them out to make them more obvious. Aside from the whole "I'm done. I'm through." part. See if I wouldn't have gone through this 5 months ago and heard the same thing maybe I wouldn't have the little guy on my shoulder saying, "She said that last time too!!"

[keepontruckin]

She's lazy, and doesn't want to deal with you one on one at this point to explain that she's done. She is being selfish, and lazy. It's just easier for her to run. And don't worry, if she meets someone else, she'll eventually pull the same ***** with them also, most likely...

 

And why I believe she is done with you? It is self explanatory... Someone that loves you is always by your side, no? Even your friends could tolerate you, and be honest with you.

 

She is now even less than a friend to you.

[JoelBarish]

This post is from Barky. I pasted it for you because it's some of the most straight forward advice on this forum

 

I see alot of the same things being said, alot of the same questions are being asked so I want everyone to read this thread if you've just been broken up with, desire your ex back ect

 

 

 

The first question everyone asks in a huge panic WHAT CAN I DO?!

 

The very simple answer and I want you to re read this after you read it

 

NOTHING!!!

 

There is NO magical cure.

 

You have to realise this, begging and pleading won't get you anywherw...OK wait maybe it will,maybe they do come back....OUT OF GUILT AND THEY WILL BE GONE AGAIN A SHORT TIME AFTER.

 

You need to face reality, that yes, your relationship has ended.

 

Its over.

 

OK. So now we get that down....please...if you have still any doubts I want you to re read it before reading on.

 

So now, what the heck do I do?

 

You drop off the face of the earth and you COMPLETELY focus every bit of your being into making yourself happy again.

 

No one can make you happy but yourself.

 

NOONE.

 

Go to the gym, hangout with family and friend...do not sit in the house

 

You have no idea how important that is to get ur buns off the couch or out of bed.

 

The world is beautiful.

 

Every single member on here, past and present has been thru a heart break....as have I. I know the pain. I fought it for so long. Until I saw the light that everyone on Ls was screaming at me.

 

LET GO. NOTHING YOU CAN DO WILL CHANGE THE SITUATION RIGHT NOW.

 

OK so pressing on.

 

Undoubtedly you've begged and pleaded and it didn't work.

 

Duh. Stop now. Pick up ur balls or boobs and face the demons fighting and haunting you....get mad! Go look in the mirror and say bring it on! Scream!! Cry!! Let it out!!!

 

So what happens if you've been dumped, they start seeing someone ect.

 

Big freakin deal.

 

Wait what?

 

Yea who gives a crap.

 

Sex is just that sex. They don't have a emotional bond like you guys who.

 

My ex came back, that was the first thing she said, it was better with you because we made love...just didn't knock skins.

 

Now I'm not saying to do what I did, ( I went out and got some the min I found out she was with someone just so i in my crazy head figured wed be even) but it did help later down the road.

 

You have to realise something, what they are now getting is the physical fun part of the relationship....they are missing the emotional aide that you've always provided.

 

The inevitable BREACRUMB.

 

HI how are you I miss u I love you blah blah blah SHUT IT.

 

Do not respond...its so critical you do not give them a damn inch on this.

 

Most people ask how long do rebounds last.

 

One person gave me the best answer..." could be the first burp or fart ...or 100years".

 

Don't sit down and wait on it, it could last forever.

 

My rebound lasted a month while my ex pulled nc on me...it drove me nuts. I realized who I really loved.

 

My (ex's) rebound lasted 3 months...BC I begged and sat around, she admitted to me if I left her alone she would have come back sooner.

 

You guys, you need to LEAVE THEM ALONE AND FOCUS ON YOURSELF.

 

I ONLY GOT MINE BACK AFTER LETTING GO, LEAVING IT TO A HIGHER POWER , GOT MYSELF HAPPY AGAIN.

 

Exs know when your pulling away, even when you haven't talked to them in a long time. They feel it. The MINUTE I walked out of a bar with my buddies and was truly happy, the minute I got in my car my phone rang....it HAPPENS like that.

 

So now...I want you to trust and believe me....the ONLY way to get them back is to leave them the hell alone, get out of your depression , get back that confident person they fell inlove with.

 

God someone should buy my ebook.

 

All kidding aside tho...that's the trick.

 

And you know what? Even if they don't come back, you are so close to healed ...someone you don't even know, you will love them just as much or MORE than your ex.

 

Don't worry....they always come back. But when?

 

Could be years man, so do what you want...but I sure as hell didn't wait.

 

 

 

 

The reason I posted this, is because I came back after awhile, to pay it forward to people who helped me when I was down.

 

But it seems like I'm saying the same thing over and over again.

Threads after thread.

 

LET THEM GO AND GET YOUR HAPPY SELF BACK.

 

ONE SIZE FITS ALL. DO NOT CONTACT THEM!

 

WHEN THEY ARE READY THEY WILL CONTACT YOU.

 

NOTHING IS SEXY ABOUT YOUR PHONE BLOWING UP AND NEEDYNESS. NOTHING.

 

 

In closing, I want you to take a deep breath, everything will be fine. I give you my word, from the bottom of my heart...you will be OK.

 

Go for a walk. Start a thread. Help out other members....LEAVE THEM ALONE!!! THEY WANT YOU GONE? GOOD BITE ME, YOU GOT YOUR WISH.

 

 

Thank you to everyone who's ever helped me here, and when people reply to your posts, don't take offense to it. They really are trying to help.

 

" THIS TOO SHALL PASS" I have it tattoo'd on me for a reason.

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

[Assasda]

She has utter disdain for you Rolltide10

 

I think you put her on a pedestal, and you acted like she was the best thing in the world and you groveled at her feet. She's just treating you like what you were acting like.

 

You are done. If you try to contact her, she'll probably put a restraining order against you.

 

Youre Honest, but you are sad. MOVE ON, its done and you cant do anything

[RollTide10]

Fair enough. Although in her defense she warned me multiple times that I needed to back off, however I don't see how a healthy relationship consists of your woman and or man constantly texting someone of the opposite sex especially when there is flirtation involved. Sure I got emotional/clingy/needy. I'm a man but the job I've been working I hated. She knows that. I'm really wanting school to pull through for me (CRNA school). She apparently just couldn't grasp why I didn't want to constantly work on the road. GREAT money but where is the family life? This is no offense to ANYONE who works construction work, but the majority of them out there are on 4,5,6th marriage, multiple children with different women, the children aren't speaking to them nor the ex-s, or either flat out just don't give a sh*t. Just want that big paycheck to themselves. It's not the life I want for myself I can assure you of that, but her dad does it. Her dad is a wonderful man and has taken care of me like his own, but to say he doesn't have a ton of issues would be a massive lie. But this man is her idol. She sees her mom stays at home, doesn't lift a finger, while this man constantly runs the roads and works himself into an early grave and I reckon she expects me to do the same and be perfectly fine with it. Anyways point being to me what it feels like and why it stings so much is because the first time she came back is basically because she was lonely. She drug me along and filled me with everything I wanted to hear, but I'm not living the life she personally expects me to live and it just ain't good enough for her.

Edited October 16, 2013 by RollTide10

[Assasda]

Fair enough. Although in her defense she warned me multiple times that I needed to back off, however I don't see how a healthy relationship consists of your woman and or man constantly texting someone of the opposite sex especially when there is flirtation involved. Sure I got emotional/clingy/needy. I'm a man but the job I've been working I hated. She knows that. I'm really wanting school to pull through for me (CRNA school). She apparently just couldn't grasp why I didn't want to constantly work on the road. GREAT money but where is the family life? This is no offense to ANYONE who works construction work, but the majority of them out there are on 4,5,6th marriage, multiple children with different women, the children aren't speaking to them nor the ex-s, or either flat out just don't give a sh*t. Just want that big paycheck to themselves. It's not the life I want for myself I can assure you of that, but her dad does it. Her dad is a wonderful man and has taken care of me like his own, but to say he doesn't have a ton of issues would be a massive lie. But this man is her idol. She sees her mom stays at home, doesn't lift a finger, while this man constantly runs the roads and works himself into an early grave and I reckon she expects me to do the same and be perfectly fine with it. Anyways point being to me what it feels like and why it stings so much is because the first time she came back is basically because she was lonely. She drug me along and filled me with everything I wanted to hear, but I'm not living the life she personally expects me to live and it just ain't good enough for her.

 

Thats why you should have lived your own life man.

Youre a ****ing man.

Thats why she left you...The exact reason you thought you'd keep her.

[RollTide10]

So me putting her on a pedestal while we were together was wrong how? I'm not sure I understand. Maybe I did. I did love her to the depths of my soul, still do. I did have enough money put back into my savings account after working the last 6 jobs I've been on to buy an engagement ring before the end of the year. To say I put her on a pedestal is probably a good assessment but how is that wrong? I gave her every bit of my heart and soul. Maybe I'm misunderstanding your use of the adage "putting her on a pedestal" especially during the relationship?

[Assasda]

Putting her on a Pedestal is the worst thing that you can do to any woman.

 

Then, she cant live up to what youve done with her.

So you basically made yourself, no longer worthy to be with her.

 

So she basically doesnt care for you, because youre worth nothing, since you place her so highly above yourself. easy

[Janni]

Hey RollTide10.

I too was with my boyfriend for 6 years and he dumped me back in july. I was ready to marry him. And I believe we are in a very similar position. I've probably put him on a pedestal after the break up.

 

He wanted me back after a month, then changed his mind and wanted us to take things slow. A month later I found out he was seeing someone else and now he's with her.

 

I am heartbroken and I can relate to your posts. How can they just walk away from 6 years? Just like that? I believe I am asking all of the same questions as you are. It is horrible.

 

The reason I'm writing this is that I want you to know you are not alone. Not at all.

 

If you want to talk, let me know.

[RollTide10]

Janni, I would love to talk. It's the only thing that honestly helps me right now. I go from moments of clarity, to all of the sudden that huge pit in my heart rears it's ugly head again. She does claim that her decision wasn't for that of another guy, but her and her track record does not fit into that statement accordingly. Worst thing? She's at work right now with her dad, and guess who's on the same job? Yep that guy she's been texting non-stop for the past 3 weeks. What's even worse I've been working with him for a while now. I've heard the horrible and vile things he's said about his past women, and all I can see is my ex living those experiences with him as we speak. It is what if is though. I know as far as relationship suitable I'm the better guy. No I don't have a current working job like he does that involves him being gone weeks to months at a time, but when I do (and I will) achieve my goal in school I will be set. Money won't be an issue. She's a "now" girl if that makes sense. She's always cutting jokes about retiring now and how I should learn everything her dad does so I can go on the road etc., but I'm sorry. It is NOT the life for me and I don't think its a life any woman would actually "ask" her significant other to have. But I've mentioned before she's seen it all her life. It's her upbringing. Her mom never having to work, her dad constantly gone, but the mom reaps the benefits and nagging problems never really have to be faced because by the time they arise he's out the door for work again. It's so unstable. But who am I to choose what lifestyle she wants to live?

[Janni]

I completely understand what you are saying. And I am so happy to hear that you have, at least, made up your mind about what kind of life you want for yourself. I am sorry she can't accept that and I know how hurtful that is.

 

My ex and I had just moved in together when he got a depression and thought he did not love me anymore. Then a month later he started getting better and, coincidentally, his feeling came back. Well. Now, three months later, it's been a month since I found out he was seeing his colleague at the same time as letting me believe we were working on getting back together. They both live a the same dorm. Only a building apart. And he ended up choosing her, because he did not feel he loved me. Well, funny thing. He became depressed again and that's when he decided he wanted her instead. She's depressed too. How can he not see this?! It's so obvious. I can't help but hope she's horrible and controlling and demanding and that he's feeling horrible and feels like his life is going down the drain. I love him so much, but I will never take him back for what he did to me. It wasn't even the first time he dumped me. He did it a year ago, last time he got depressed. I stayed by him for 6 months until he got better and then suddenly he loved me as much as before. But he still doesnt see the connection.

 

Do you want to continue here or maybe if you have Whats App?

[RollTide10]

I do not have what's app but I can certainly get it. Your ex sounds like me, but YOU sound like the way I wish mine would have been for me. I won't lie that I have hit a state of depression. Instead of sticking this out with me and letting me get over this, she ran. Now granted I should have never put my own self-being on her shoulders, but when you love someone like she said she loved me you stick with them through thick and thin. I would never ask her to do that for me, but I wish she would have.

[RollTide10]

And I made the mistake of checking her FB last night. Horrible mistake I know. She had posted a Bob Marley pic with a quite that says...."If she's amazing she won't be easy, if she's easy she won't be amazing, if you give up you don't deserve her. Truth is everyone is going to hurt you, you just have to find the ones worth suffering for" Now did that give me up hope? Of course it did. But at the same time I can't slow down my life and my improvement to fight for her. I have. Over and over and over. And she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm not going anywhere for a long time. I'm a good guy Janni. I firmly believe that. Been in two relationship my entire life. Both 5+ years. One with my high school sweetheart and we both semi got the GIGs. Me more so then we I signed with a D-1 school for college baseball and at the time firmly believed id be doing it for a living one day, so I wanted to experience the world. And then I met her. The girl that made me stop EVERYTHING I was doing and put it all aside just so I could experience a lifetime with her. But I firmly believe still that she is the one for me and there is nothing else I can possibly say to her to prove that. If she can't accept it in her heart that I am the one for her and she expects me to prove that in some grandeur way then I've lost because I've done it all. When I love, I love with everything I possibly can.

[Janni]

I agree 100%. I was ready to stay by his side through his depression. Even when he wasn't sure he wanted me. I would do anything for him and sometimes I still worry, that he's digging his own grave. Even though he's hurt me so much, I worry this is the worst he could ever do to himself. He's shut me out. His best friend - According to himself. He has hurt me so much I won't ever come back. He's asked his mother to step back and listen, but not do or say anything. He's cut himself off completely. None of his friends know about his depression.

I just don't understand, why he would push me away when he's at his worst. Wouldn't he want someone he can trust and someone who will support him through thick and thin? Just like you say you wished she would have. It puzzles me.

 

You are right, in an ideal world you should and would not have acted that way. But you did. And you did it because you needed strength you didn't have. But you thought she would give it to you. And she should have. That's what you do. You stand up for your loved ones, no matter what. I am very sorry she did not do this for you. I hope you have the strength to pull through on your own.

 

I too feel like I've become depressed. All the symptoms fit. I have started eating though, but only after losing 6 kilos when I am already on the skinny side. How are you holding up? are you doing all the things, the "clever people" tell you? - Getting out, doing stuff, focusing on yourself, NC?

 

If you want, I can PM my number for what's app. That way, you can reach me whenever you need it. I myself experience moments where I feel like my world is falling apart and I just need someone to talk to and to tell how I feel. What I'm thinking.

 

One last thing, it warms my heart to read, that you wish your ex had been like me. That makes me believe I could find someone better and that I am actually worth loving.

[RollTide10]

Yes PM me. I'm d/ling the app as we speak.

[Janni]

Oh. I don't have access to PM yet.

[Janni]

I had not seen this post, when I replied before.

 

I believe you are a good guy too. You sound genuine. I understand exactly how you feel, seeing that quote on her facebook. She is toying with you. I know you love her. I know how you feel. But she is not worth it. At least not right now. You might be able to build your relationship and convince her, I did that with my ex the last time he dumped me. I also did it shortly after the BU this time. But it will end up ruining your life even more than it already has. You've given up your dreams for her. You should never have to give up your dreams for any relationship. Even if you wanted it yourself, she should have made you pursue your dreams if she was right for you. I hope you realize this.

 

Something that's helped me a bit is asking myself these questions:

What does (s)he have, that I could not find in someone else?

What did (s)he do wrong in our relationship?

What did (s)he do for the relationship?

And then I listed all of my ex's flaws on a piece of paper.

It did not get me to stop loving him, but it does help me understand, that I do not want him back. He is worth nothing. Maybe it will help you too. At least short term.

[RollTide10]

Lol well then....appears we have hit a fork in the road

[RollTide10]

She isn't flawless. That is for sure. She has her things that she does that drive me up the wall, but I loved her and still do. In a relationship especially one of the length we shared and in your instance too, it's about the bad and the good. At 23 yes I'm young, very young but mature well beyond my age and am ready to settle down. I've had my fun. I've done my partying. I now want a woman that loves me the way that I love her and to commit to me like I do her and for us to actually start a life together. I understand her flaws and I also see her great qualities. It's give and take. There is nothing she could have done personality wise to run me off. Cheating, lying, the big no-nos I don't stand for, but the petty things. They can always be fixed. It might take a lot of work, but it can be fixed. I just don't understand her option to throw it all away but once again who am I to judge.

[Janni]

Agan, I've been where you are. What changed for me, was the fact that my ex had someone else while saying he wanted to work on our relationship and being intimate with me. If that hadn't happened, I would have been saying exactly what you just said.

 

Do you want her to come back? And do you believe, sincerely in your heart AND mind, that you would have a great and stable relationship?