I don't know if it's just me...

[dontknowificare]

Earlier this year, I met a guy while we were both at a music festival and we became friends. He was really, really into me, but I was just getting out of a relationship and so I was in no place to be dating anyone and made that clear to him. I didn't even waste my time evaluating feelings for him or anyone because it seemed dumb. We split ways at the end of the festival and for the most part fell out of contact.

 

A few months passed, and one day he reaches out to me and we start talking again over e-mail. The e-mails were really exciting and interesting and after a lot of them, we decided to meet in person again. We started dating. We saw each other again. He told me within a couple of weeks of dating that he loved me.

 

Here's the thing though--although I feel like I love him, I still don't know if I am really that into him. I have been in many crazy relationships before where everything was always up or down and the passion in those was surreal. In this one, I just feel kind of like, "Eh it's okay." We don't fight or argue... but I sense that's mostly because I just don't feel like it. I don't push... I just do whatever I want and it seems to just work for us both.

 

I care a lot about him. When we're together in the same place, I enjoy being with him. The physical attraction isn't the most I have ever had for someone but it's not absent either.

 

Am I just putting unrealistic expectations up for myself? I know our modern culture is just wildly obsessed with finding "the one" and having explosion torrential rainshowers of love and romance, but should I stop comparing these lukewarm feelings I do have to how I've felt towards these old relationships that obviously failed because of the constant highs and lows?

[Outsider77]

Usually the initial passionate, exciting feelings will last at least a year or two in a relationship. If you are this early into the relationship and you don't feel passionate about him, I would take that as a sign that maybe you just really aren't that into this guy.

 

If I were you I would sit down and think about all the reasons that you like him and try to figure out what you think is missing. If you are already questioning your feelings for him, there is probably something missing in the relationship.

 

It sounds to me that maybe you care about him more as a friend than a boyfriend and are just going along with it because he's interested in you.

[Leigh 87]

I have seen my best friend meet a guy and fall head over head for him, and he felt the same about her.

It was intense, passionate, loving and they are also best friends and they have lasted.

 

I have felt immediately drawn to my recent ex, and the guy before; I could not stop kissing them and I could not get enough of them.

I would rather be single than settle for a guy I am just not feeling that crazy about.

 

A few people on here will tell you that my best friend and her bf " won some kind of a dating roulette" and that I cannot hope to find a guy who is head over heals for me, and who I feel the same way about from the get go.

 

The key is, she is not shallow when it comes to looks, and he is not the hottest guy around but she "felt it" with him and vice versa.

She is a model look alike but too shy to work as one (she definitely good be a model if she wanted) and if she only dated tall" hot" guys and had restrictions as to WHO she allowed herself to date, she would have missed out on this awesome dude.

By the way, the last two guys I felt it with were overweight and not most girls idea of " hot". If you are open to "feeling it" with a broad range of men and don't have to limit yourself to hot guys, you will DEFINATELY find a guy you "feel it with" from the start!

 

People on here will likely tell you " stop buying into fairy tails"

People will tell you " look, just meet someone who is a really nice person, and let chemistry grow over time"

" no one is head over heals for each other in the initial stages and actually LASTS"

 

Whatever.

 

I am happy single and more than happy to wait until I find someone I am crazy about and who feels the same way about me.

I know what I need from a relationship, and it involves immediate sparks.

You don't have it with this guy. I would personally move on, however, I am sure people on here will tell you " initial fireworks are a thing of Disney movies, just get to know a guy you're not all that into, and if he has good character, love should grow SLOWLY".

 

hmm. Personally, I think being IN LOVE is an initial spark and people fall in love fast within 2 or 3 months tops.

If you want a slow burn, where you're not all that into him initially, go for it. You will grow to love him but you will never be IN love with him.

 

Too many people on here seem to think growing to "love" someone where it takes months and months, 5 or 6 months or MORE, and they grow to love them, is " in love".

I don't think it takes 6 months to fall genuinely in love and if you take that long to be into him, I wouldn't bother.

[Assasda]

I think you'll end up leaving this guy, hahaha thats what it sounds like. Its not your fault either.

 

When there are fun flirty guys around, you're gone, just don't break his heart too much.

 

Tell him "I have to work on myself, for a bit, Its not you its me" and it'll be a little bare-able

[Leigh 87]

Look, would you want to date a guy who thought:

 

" wow, I really felt it with my other exes, I didn't feel all that into this girl initially but I thought I would give it a go"

 

Would YOU want to date a guy who YOU were really into, and who YOU felt instant chemistry with from YOUR side of things, when he was just not feeling it with you in the way he had felt it with the last girl?

[MalachiX]

A few months passed, and one day he reaches out to me and we start talking again over e-mail. The e-mails were really exciting and interesting and after a lot of them, we decided to meet in person again. We started dating. We saw each other again. He told me within a couple of weeks of dating that he loved me.

 

Danger Will Robinson! Danger!

 

Here's the thing though--although I feel like I love him, I still don't know if I am really that into him. I have been in many crazy relationships before where everything was always up or down and the passion in those was surreal. In this one, I just feel kind of like, "Eh it's okay." We don't fight or argue... but I sense that's mostly because I just don't feel like it. I don't push... I just do whatever I want and it seems to just work for us both.

 

Are you sure you actually love him? Or rather, are you "in love" with him rather than just loving him as friend? For that matter, it seems odd that both of you are using the L-word so soon in the relationship (especially in your case when you're not feeling much). How old are you guys?

 

I care a lot about him. When we're together in the same place, I enjoy being with him. The physical attraction isn't the most I have ever had for someone but it's not absent either.

 

That's hardly what I'd call being in love with someone. On occasion I've had female friends who I might say the EXACT SAME THING about. I cared about them. Enjoyed their company. Found them relatively attractive.

 

Once I made the mistake of actually dating one and it wasn't good. Just because you care about a friend who you find attractive doesn't mean you should be with them. What you're describing is a relationship of convenience.

 

Am I just putting unrealistic expectations up for myself? I know our modern culture is just wildly obsessed with finding "the one" and having explosion torrential rainshowers of love and romance, but should I stop comparing these lukewarm feelings I do have to how I've felt towards these old relationships that obviously failed because of the constant highs and lows?

 

The fact that you've had "highs" more than once indicates that you're capable of feeling a lot more for someone.

 

I don't know the secret to lasting love as I still havn't found it. What I do know is that ANY relationship takes a lot of work. If you're not nuts about the person from the start, I don't see how you expect to keep things going years down the line (no matter how blandly pleasant things might be).

 

I've had boring relationships where we never fought but we never fought because I wasn't very invested in the relationship and was just agreeable because I wanted to be with someone for a little bit (none lasted very long for this reason).

 

My longest relationship had it's share of tough times (and we did break up), but there were also a ton of times when I looked into her eyes and said, "I love you so much." I mean it when I said it. Knowing I meant it gave me the strength to continue with the relationship for several years. I couldn't do that with someone I didn't really love.

[dontknowificare]

Danger Will Robinson! Danger!

Are you sure you actually love him? Or rather, are you "in love" with him rather than just loving him as friend? For that matter, it seems odd that both of you are using the L-word so soon in the relationship (especially in your case when you're not feeling much). How old are you guys?

 

I was surprised when he used the word "love." I'm in my late 20s. He's in his early 30s. I certainly love him as a friend, there's no question about that. I don't know beyond that though. I've never said it so soon with anyone before. In my last relationship, it was about 8 months in before I said it (even though I had been feeling it for 3 or 4 months before that).

 

That's hardly what I'd call being in love with someone. On occasion I've had female friends who I might say the EXACT SAME THING about. I cared about them. Enjoyed their company. Found them relatively attractive.

 

Once I made the mistake of actually dating one and it wasn't good. Just because you care about a friend who you find attractive doesn't mean you should be with them. What you're describing is a relationship of convenience.

That's what I'm afraid of. It's reminding me a lot of a relationship that I was in for years... because we were both afraid of breaking up and losing everything we had (since we lived together and did everything together). Right now, I'm very independent and the idea of having that again with anyone freaks me out! I'm not terrified to be with this guy but I'm scared of the idea of him growing more and more in love while I just kind of want to play it and see how it goes without so much pressure. Is it a douchey move on my part to discuss that with him, given that he's clearly very sensitive?

 

The fact that you've had "highs" more than once indicates that you're capable of feeling a lot more for someone.

 

This is true. But I've questioned whether those "highs" were good to have. Friends of mine say it wasn't love but limerance. I'd be in love but the guys were always really, really bad for me. Like just awful people who didn't respect me and treated me poorly (if you're wondering 'why would you ever love someone like that?', I was blind to it at the time). I don't know if it's stupid of me but I'm attracted to this kind of behavior. Being put on a pedestal drives me away. So it feels like my feelings of indifference have little to do with the guy himself and are more about how he's approaching things with me.... giving me too much too soon.

 

It almost makes me wonder if I went back and excavated my failed relationships, if the guys I was seeing who pushed me away were feeling exactly like I'm feeling right now.