syaf003 Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Hi, Can anyone tell me how to let someone down nice and easy? I'm a girl with more guy friends than girlfriends, in fact I only have like 2 close girlfriends but we don't talk much anymore since we're busy. Most of the times it's my guy friends, my bros, who will text me and such and ask me out just to hang out with them. I sometimes find it uneasy, and I would reject them or make up excuses because I don't feel like meeting them one on one, I'd rather go out in groups. Even so, some of my best guy friends start to go to a stage where they flirt alot with me. I have completely stopped talking to them when they're like that, but after a while we went back to talking. I mean I know these guys for at least 3-5 years. I don't have that feeling where I can see us together any day. And even if we go on group outings they'll find a way to get extra close to me. Which I find very annoying. I haven't gone out with any one of them in months. My mom thinks I'm antisocial, but then again, my girlfriends are busy as well. So how do I politely tell them to not bring it up? Or stop trying. I have been rejecting them, considering I have a boyfriend now. But they don't respect my space. We used to talk about everything but now I don't want to share anything with them, scared that they'll think I am willing to give a chance with them. To top it off, my boyfriend's definitely not happy with the texts they send, all the more reason why I ignored them. But I feel bad, I mean these guys have helped me quite a bit over the years, during school and my past relationships. I just don't like them to have feelings for me, yet I don't want the friendship to end. So any suggestions? P.S I have tried hooking them up with some of my friends (not close girlfriends)... didn't work out :/ HELP.
leftfordead2 Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Have you ever told them directly that you only see them as a friend and nothing more? Or told them not to do (insert whatever stuff they are doing here) because it makes you feel uncomfortable?
Author syaf003 Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 Have you ever told them directly that you only see them as a friend and nothing more? Or told them not to do (insert whatever stuff they are doing here) because it makes you feel uncomfortable? Yup I did. They stopped for a while. Until like a few months later when we start talking again, they'd somehow forget and do it again.
Archanaart Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 F**k a fake friend, where you real friends at? We don't like to do too much explaining story stays the same I never changed it... 4
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Hi, Can anyone tell me how to let someone down nice and easy? I'm a girl with more guy friends than girlfriends, in fact I only have like 2 close girlfriends but we don't talk much anymore since we're busy. Most of the times it's my guy friends, my bros, who will text me and such and ask me out just to hang out with them. I sometimes find it uneasy, and I would reject them or make up excuses because I don't feel like meeting them one on one, I'd rather go out in groups. Even so, some of my best guy friends start to go to a stage where they flirt alot with me. I have completely stopped talking to them when they're like that, but after a while we went back to talking. I mean I know these guys for at least 3-5 years. I don't have that feeling where I can see us together any day. And even if we go on group outings they'll find a way to get extra close to me. Which I find very annoying. I haven't gone out with any one of them in months. My mom thinks I'm antisocial, but then again, my girlfriends are busy as well. So how do I politely tell them to not bring it up? Or stop trying. I have been rejecting them, considering I have a boyfriend now. But they don't respect my space. We used to talk about everything but now I don't want to share anything with them, scared that they'll think I am willing to give a chance with them. To top it off, my boyfriend's definitely not happy with the texts they send, all the more reason why I ignored them. But I feel bad, I mean these guys have helped me quite a bit over the years, during school and my past relationships. I just don't like them to have feelings for me, yet I don't want the friendship to end. So any suggestions? P.S I have tried hooking them up with some of my friends (not close girlfriends)... didn't work out :/ HELP. These guys are only hanging around because they see themselves as being next-in-line for your romantic affection. Your boyfriend understands this, and of course he is put-off by your allowing it to continue. While females can and do maintain male friendships without giving in to the advances, the guys involved are still there for just that one reason. Women can simply turn around and get sex anywhere, so that is why they don't have to exist in the same fashion, but the reasons women can turn around and get sex anywhere - are exactly what you are describing. If you want it to stop, you have to be firm and clear... while forgetting about it being easy. 1
hotpotato Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I hate to break it to you, but you dont have any guy friends. What you have are orbiters who want to date and/or sex you. Oftentimes men choose females they are attracted to as friends. The feelings have most likely always been there. I dont have any male friends for this reason. 6
kendallk Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 These guys are only hanging around because they see themselves as being next-in-line for your romantic affection. Your boyfriend understands this, and of course he is put-off by your allowing it to continue. While females can and do maintain male friendships without giving in to the advances, the guys involved are still there for just that one reason. Women can simply turn around and get sex anywhere, so that is why they don't have to exist in the same fashion, but the reasons women can turn around and get sex anywhere - are exactly what you are describing. If you want it to stop, you have to be firm and clear... while forgetting about it being easy. Yep, this is also why you should never trust a guy with female friends. Guys only befriend girls they see as f u c k a b l e so even if he is dating you and says hes happy with you, you better believe he fantasizes about his female friends. Guys are wired this way. Men's behavior towards women is 99% driven by sex. Its sounds harsh and paints men in a bad light, but its the truth. I don't know any men who befriend women because they are simply cool to hang with (like I have done with my male friends) Men aren't capable of it- they are too shallow 1
Trimmer Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Men's behavior towards women is 99% driven by sex. Its sounds harsh and paints men in a bad light, but its the truth. I don't know any men who befriend women because they are simply cool to hang with (like I have done with my male friends) Men aren't capable of it- they are too shallow So you're cool knowing that the males you've befriended are just there because they think they're in line to f**k you when it's their turn?
kendallk Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 So you're cool knowing that the males you've befriended are just there because they think they're in line to f**k you when it's their turn? I don't know if they are "waiting for it" but they would if I offered. Because men are hornballs. Any girl who dates a guy who was attractive female friends should be wary- he prob. has thought about screwing them while having sex with you at some point. That's how men are wired. Men don't really have good self control. And yes, I am cool with it. Because I like having guy friends and its not my fault they are hornballs wired to drool over any attractive woman. I have good morals and don't lead men on and if a guy has a gf and Im friends with him and he starts acting weird I peace out. Perhaps men should evolve a bit more the way women have to balance things out.
TheGuard13 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 There are plenty of men in the world who genuinely like someone as a friend, but would also screw them. Just because they flirt with you, like to be close to you, etc, doesn't mean they don't care about anything else.
Phoe Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I have to disagree with many of the sentiments in this thread... There are plenty of men who are friends with females simply because they think that female is a nice person and a good friend. Not because they're interested in her. I have many male friends and not a single one is interested in me. And yes, they've explicitly made that clear. While some men DO befriend females simply to act as "orbiters" it's not always the case. OP - you just have to be completely straightforward with them. There's no real nice or easy way around it.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I have to disagree with many of the sentiments in this thread... There are plenty of men who are friends with females simply because they think that female is a nice person and a good friend. Not because they're interested in her. I have many male friends and not a single one is interested in me. And yes, they've explicitly made that clear. While some men DO befriend females simply to act as "orbiters" it's not always the case. OP - you just have to be completely straightforward with them. There's no real nice or easy way around it. Man, now I'm at an impasse, and I don't know what to say (only because it's you, Phoe). Though I'm guessing that the slough of disinterested-in-you male parties instead don't see themselves as being worthy of your companionship, and thus they slink away whenever the spotlight is on them. Generally speaking, with the exceptions of work, neighborhood, and tangential family friends, males have no interest in being mere "friends" with women they wouldn't rather be banging. A website like Pinterest should help to make this more clear than I ever could. 2
Trimmer Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I don't know if they are "waiting for it" but they would if I offered. Because men are hornballs. Any girl who dates a guy who was attractive female friends should be wary- he prob. has thought about screwing them while having sex with you at some point. That's how men are wired. Men don't really have good self control. And yes, I am cool with it. Because I like having guy friends and its not my fault they are hornballs wired to drool over any attractive woman. I have good morals and don't lead men on and if a guy has a gf and Im friends with him and he starts acting weird I peace out. Perhaps men should evolve a bit more the way women have to balance things out. Understood. I think I was reacting as if you had said "don't have male friends, because..." and then you went on to talk about the male friends you have. But I realize you are more like saying "don't trust them and keep your eyes open, because..." and that's a different thing; I hear you. And your "men should evolve a bit more, the way women have..." comment made me laugh.
hotpotato Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 There are plenty of men in the world who genuinely like someone as a friend, but would also screw them. Just because they flirt with you, like to be close to you, etc, doesn't mean they don't care about anything else. Um. If he trying to get nasty, hes not a friend. Thats a fck buddy. Or he wants to date. But he is not a friend. 1
kendallk Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Understood. I think I was reacting as if you had said "don't have male friends, because..." and then you went on to talk about the male friends you have. But I realize you are more like saying "don't trust them and keep your eyes open, because..." and that's a different thing; I hear you. And your "men should evolve a bit more, the way women have..." comment made me laugh. Women have evolved more. Nowadays women are expected to pay their way (or else they are a "golddigger") and I have not a single male friend that would date a woman long term who makes no money and he would be expected to support her all the time. Times are changing. However, men are more obsessed with beauty and sex than decades ago and beauty standards have risen dramatically. Men still place an ordinate amount of emphasis on sex and beauty in relationships, more so than women. So while women are becoming more independent and moving past our genetic wirings to prefer a man with income, men are still stuck in their ways preferring the prettiest girl they can find to settle down with. Men have the luxury now of being both able to excuse their shallow tendencies in preferring hot women, but now they dont have to worry as much about finances (and some men are even golddiggers now). Sorry, research backs me up on all of these statements too.
mercuryshadow Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I've discovered, for this very reason, why it's important to also have female friends. It gets to be pretty lonely when you discover that a lot of your guy friends only ever wanted to get with you. I have probably 3 guy friends out of 10 who only view me as a friend. Someone even relayed to me lately that a couple of them are extremely disappointed that I'm getting married. A true friend would be happy that I am happy. Stick to trying to cultivate friendships with the same sex. You'll be better off in the long run. 2
Trimmer Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Women have evolved more. Nowadays women are expected to pay their way (or else they are a "golddigger") and I have not a single male friend that would date a woman long term who makes no money and he would be expected to support her all the time. Times are changing. However, men are more obsessed with beauty and sex than decades ago and beauty standards have risen dramatically. Men still place an ordinate amount of emphasis on sex and beauty in relationships, more so than women. So while women are becoming more independent and moving past our genetic wirings to prefer a man with income, men are still stuck in their ways preferring the prettiest girl they can find to settle down with. Men have the luxury now of being both able to excuse their shallow tendencies in preferring hot women, but now they dont have to worry as much about finances (and some men are even golddiggers now). Sorry, research backs me up on all of these statements too. No need to apologize - especially condescendingly! I realize now you are talking about socialization. I thought you were talking about evolution. See, I believe that most of the larger problems in our world are caused by overpopulation, and I don't think that either men or women have "evolved" past the point where either bears any less responsiblity for that problem. Dating dynamics and golddigging kinda pale in comparison - definitely first-world problems.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Women have evolved more. Nowadays women are expected to pay their way (or else they are a "golddigger") and I have not a single male friend that would date a woman long term who makes no money and he would be expected to support her all the time. Times are changing. However, men are more obsessed with beauty and sex than decades ago and beauty standards have risen dramatically. Men still place an ordinate amount of emphasis on sex and beauty in relationships, more so than women. So while women are becoming more independent and moving past our genetic wirings to prefer a man with income, men are still stuck in their ways preferring the prettiest girl they can find to settle down with. Men have the luxury now of being both able to excuse their shallow tendencies in preferring hot women, but now they dont have to worry as much about finances (and some men are even golddiggers now). Sorry, research backs me up on all of these statements too. I am in general agreement with your premise, but you don't account at all for the fact that women can get sex anywhere - merely by turning around - and it is that which affords women the options of leaving someone in the friend zone or pursuing romance with them. Men simply don't have those on-demand options and therefore they focus mainly on who they would love a chance to be with romantically/sexually. Also, for having those options all the time, women can afford to haphazardly pick and choose, and they can be expected to be most loyal to one, because options are always out there at any time. What everyone who has known a well-adjusted upbringing wants, is to invest their romantic feelings in one direction and then keep investing in that same direction... and this is simply easier for women to accomplish, because they get more out of it than men do, AND because they can live as free spirits knowing that the next romantic tryst/sexual interlude is theirs for the taking merely for turning around. (there's never major pressure relating to perhaps not having another opportunity). One wonders (in the nicest, most respectful and with plenty of admiration way) just how many of Phoe's male friends are among her contacts on Pinterest.
todreaminblue Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I really dont understand how pinterest comes into a guys interest in you.....its mentioned twice in this thread...and i dont get it..... all i know is that i do understand why guys get funny about male friends, i am single and i have to enforce boundaries, i feel if you are with someone they have to be enforced as well......even more so , if a male friend disrespects a relationship i am in the guy i am with and me thats like a three strike deal. to me that isnt being a friend.....if the limits are know and the guy doesnt want or respect limits...he isnt a friend for me or am i the right friend for him....deb
Phoe Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I am in general agreement with your premise, but you don't account at all for the fact that women can get sex anywhere - merely by turning around - and it is that which affords women the options of leaving someone in the friend zone or pursuing romance with them. Men simply don't have those on-demand options and therefore they focus mainly on who they would love a chance to be with romantically/sexually. One wonders (in the nicest, most respectful and with plenty of admiration way) just how many of Phoe's male friends are among her contacts on Pinterest. I think you completely missed my point, your insistance that women can get sex easily kind of shows it to me. I know I personally cannot get a man, I struck out 4 times in the past week alone. Not all women have on demand options. I can make friends with men quite easily, but none of them are interested romantically or sexually. I wish men would think a bit outside the box and just realize this. Sometimes women have just as crap a time dating as many men do. Because when I have such a horrible time and men tell me "No, women have it easy, women have men throwing themselves at her, they don't even have to try" - because then I REALLY start to feel like something is wrong with me. If I'm struggling, it means there is something very wrong with me. And it's not fair that I should be made to feel that way, because I would rather believe in myself and believe that there isn't something very wrong with me. And I don't have a pinterest. Not even sure what it's about or how it is relevant to my male friends. *shrug*
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I really dont understand how pinterest comes into a guys interest in you.....its mentioned twice in this thread...and i dont get it..... PINTEREST is a website overwhelmingly populated by women... and filled with the things women like and like to do. If men were merely your "friends" - drawn to you for reasons of shared interests and mere friendship factors... Pinterest would be flooded with men. Men who wanted to do all of those feminine-leaning activities so popular on Pinterest. And yeah, there are small numbers of men on Pinterest... (and take a guess what they're there for - it isn't bridesmaid activities, fashion designs, cake decorating, catchy accessories, or shoes)
Phoe Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 PINTEREST is a website overwhelmingly populated by women... and filled with the things women like and like to do. If men were merely your "friends" - drawn to you for reasons of shared interests and mere friendship factors... Pinterest would be flooded with men. Men who wanted to do all of those feminine-leaning activities so popular on Pinterest. And yeah, there are small numbers of men on Pinterest... (and take a guess what they're there for - it isn't bridesmaid activities, fashion designs, cake decorating, catchy accessories, or shoes) Sounds uninteresting actually. Meh. Me and my guy friends have shared interests, which is why we're friends. Video games, sports, science... stuff like that.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I think you completely missed my point, your insistance that women can get sex easily kind of shows it to me. I know I personally cannot get a man, I struck out 4 times in the past week alone. Not all women have on demand options. I can make friends with men quite easily, but none of them are interested romantically or sexually. I wish men would think a bit outside the box and just realize this. Sometimes women have just as crap a time dating as many men do. Because when I have such a horrible time and men tell me "No, women have it easy, women have men throwing themselves at her, they don't even have to try" - because then I REALLY start to feel like something is wrong with me. If I'm struggling, it means there is something very wrong with me. And it's not fair that I should be made to feel that way, because I would rather believe in myself and believe that there isn't something very wrong with me. And I don't have a pinterest. Not even sure what it's about or how it is relevant to my male friends. *shrug* Oh c'mon... we accept and understand that you have been thus far unable to get a mysterious, dark-haired man to take you to his mansion in the sky. And the whole sub-point to this thread is that men do not think outside of the box - literally. The only (social) challenge you are likely battling is that which has you inspiring guys to imagine in advance that you must have a guy, and their giving up before they even risk anything on/in-front-of you. What guy in this whole community of Loveshack is buying the "Exactly no men are interested (in Phoe) romantically or sexually"??? There have been some good controversial topics listed herein over the past several years, but there simply cannot BE any agreement with your side on that subject. (but there really will be some agreement with you - and what's your first guess as to whyyyyyyyyyyy that is?? ) A - this is not the spot where you should start listing (or even contemplating) any of your flaws B - it won't be because they want to become your 'friend' PS - if there is anything significantly wrong with you - it ain't surfaced here yet
hotpotato Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 I would like to make a correction. I have a male friend who hasn't try to have sex with me buuuut he's paralyzed from the waist down. So he can't. This is about the only instance in which a woman can even come close to having a straight male friend. Your male friends are hitting on you, you just missed the signs because you were too emotionally invested in the thought of being friends. This is especially true if he approaches you first. I've btdt.
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