muffinman1127 Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Hey all, hoping you can help me out once again. I'm in my first year of college, gf of a year broke up with me four months ago. She's a sophomore at the same university as me. So, for the first few months I was doing pretty bad, generally didn't text her but responded when she texted me (only every week or two at best). By now I'm doing much better, she'd text me every week or so and it was friendly and nice to talk to her but I didn't expect much. For the past two weeks, though, she's been texting me quite a bit more. Two weekends ago she invited me to a small party at her apartment, I went with two buddies and it was a little awkward but nothing too bad. Just felt kind of held back. Since then, she's initiated texting a lot more than usual. One night she says she wants to see a movie with me, she sends generally flirty texts pretty often, and another night she told me she misses me sometimes and that I looked good the weekend I saw her. Our amount/depth of contact is increasing pretty quickly at this point, and I feel good about it. It's fun and hopeful but I don't feel like I'll be devastated if nothing comes from it. That being said, what do you think is going on? She hasn't really met anyone since we broke up, nor have I, and although I'm in no hurry I'd like to give our relationship another try at some point, given that I was an immature high schooler our last go-around. So yeah, what do you guys think?
Assasda Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I think she's putting the moves on you, because youre not smothering her like you did before. Play it cool, let her take it at her own pace -Dont put any labels on your relationship, she gets to dictate that -Dont pull out the "I love you" yet Just keep on doing what youre doing, have fun and make out with her 1
Never Again Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 It's hard to tell, but be careful. Make SURE you won't be hurt by rejection before you agree to anything more personal. She may just be realizing that she misses you because you were a part of her everyday life. She may only be looking for that and, because of your past, doesn't realize she's being inappropriate by flirting. On the other hand, she may be interested but isn't 100% sure yet. If you're completely healed and can handle rejection...take it slow. Also, realize that whatever you have now, whether it be friendship or relationship, will be brand new. Treat it that way. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Yeah, I would make sure you are in the correct emotional state. If you are, I don't see any problem with seeing how this builds. I'm not sure if she's 100 percent into you, but I don't see any red flags that suggest aborting the mission. 1
mea_M Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Sounds to me like she's taking good initiative here. Perhaps let her continue to drive the ship and see where it sails. All the while, make sure to enjoy the ride. My take is obviously a positive one. Good luck. Mea :-) 1
Author muffinman1127 Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 Thanks all! Sounds pretty good to me. So how do I keep this on the upswing? Should I keep letting her initiate all the time?
Author muffinman1127 Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 Quick question this time, how should I react now that my ex (dumper) is dropping hints fairly strongly? She's been texting me almost every day, always her initiating, and has said some interesting things. She asked if I was annoyed by her texting me (probably because I don't initiate), and said she likes seeing my name pop up on her phone, among other things. She also started complimenting me for random things. How do I hold her interest without rushing and making a fool of myself? Or am I just wrong in thinking these are hints?
Simon Phoenix Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 The same way you did when you first started dating. Play it cool, look for a window, jump through the window when it opens. If she plays hard to get or backs off, laugh it off and stay confident. 1
BC1980 Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Yup, you can't treat her like she is your ex. That's probably why second chances are so hard. A lot of people have problems either getting over the past or wanting to press reset and start right where they left off. It's difficult to reconcile the past relationship with what the new reality it. You would know exactly how to act if this were some random girl you just started dating. The path to a second chance is full of booby traps, but play it cool if you feel she is worth it.
barky2 Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 So her straight up what she wants or her intentions. Then go from there. Barky
Simon Phoenix Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 So her straight up what she wants or her intentions. Then go from there. Barky Meh, I don't think he has to go in guns blazing. It sounds like everything is completely reset at this point, so he can play it cool.
barky2 Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Guns blazing? Last thing op wants is to be friendZoned and put time and effort into a ex being a friend. That will set him back. He has to have ground rules. If you have to walk on egg shells not knowing or if you think asking what her intentions are and think "that's guns blazing" this is doomed from jump street. You have to have the talk op. If not you're in limbo. And believe me...u think a breakup hurt? Being in limbo and then getting the "we are just friends" line hurts way worse. Fact simon. Barky 1
BC1980 Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I agree with both. It is very hard to play it out and see where it goes, but that is what it takes at times. Some people do not respond well to "guns blazing." I think you need to take the individual into account. It's all a risk in the end.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Guns blazing? Last thing op wants is to be friendZoned and put time and effort into a ex being a friend. That will set him back. He has to have ground rules. If you have to walk on egg shells not knowing or if you think asking what her intentions are and think "that's guns blazing" this is doomed from jump street. You have to have the talk op. If not you're in limbo. And believe me...u think a breakup hurt? Being in limbo and then getting the "we are just friends" line hurts way worse. Fact simon. Barky I don't think he's in limbo at all though. I think he's healed and I think he realizes all of this. He's approaching this like he's first starting to court her. He'll take his shot and if it misses, he'll move on or decide he'd rather have her as a friend. If he scores, he'll continue to move forward. I mean, I agree with your approach if there was still some residual longing from the last relationship. In my reading of this poster, it doesn't seem there is. I think he did NC and all that the proper way and now he's going for a "new" relationship, not a continuation of the old.
JoelBarish Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 OP, how long since the BU? I also agree with both Simon and Barky. I think at first he should treat it like a new relationship. She probably doesn't want to re-enter a heavily emotional situation right away. That may be part of why she ended things. He should show her once again how fun he can be and the good qualities he has. However, if things once again move to a more serious level, I think a conversation is in order to figure out what didn't work the first time and how will things be different this time so history doesn't repeat itself. 1
Author muffinman1127 Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 Wow guys, I really appreciate all the help! It's been just about 5 months since we broke up, we talked here and there for a few months then I pretty much stopped trying a month or so ago. And I definitely see both sides, I can't let her walk all over me but I also don't want to jump into anything before I have an idea of what I'm doing. It's getting quite a bit less subtle now, and she's tried a couple times to get me to meet up with her (I haven't yet due to being legitimately busy). At this point I'm pretty sure I'm not just being strung along, should I meet up with her? Being the dumpee is complicated...
Simon Phoenix Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Wow guys, I really appreciate all the help! It's been just about 5 months since we broke up, we talked here and there for a few months then I pretty much stopped trying a month or so ago. And I definitely see both sides, I can't let her walk all over me but I also don't want to jump into anything before I have an idea of what I'm doing. It's getting quite a bit less subtle now, and she's tried a couple times to get me to meet up with her (I haven't yet due to being legitimately busy). At this point I'm pretty sure I'm not just being strung along, should I meet up with her? Being the dumpee is complicated... I say you should. You seem like you are in a good state of mind for it, but to test, what would be your reaction if she says she wants to be friends and nothing else?
Author muffinman1127 Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 I can't say I wouldn't be disappointed, but I'd probably try to make that work. I'd just make sure she stopped talking to me the way she has been, it'd be nice to know at least
Polak Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 If she does say she wants to be friends only, make sure you accept it coolly, make it look like you couldn't care less about it (regardless of what you feel inside). Based on that reaction, she may reconsider in the future... not saying she will, but it's happened before! Good luck with it.
barky2 Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 See op we go back and forth for you, because simon and the rest of the posters just want the best for you,and no more pain for you. I think there's been a lot of great points here in this thread and you got a good head on your shoulders to approach the situation properly,best of luck op! Barky
Author muffinman1127 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Alright... update time. I'm really confused. So since I posted this I've talked to her every night, her initiating all but one of around 8 days. It's been getting progressively flirtier, and tonight she was reminiscing about a ton of good times from our relationship, no holding back. She said something about young love and I asked her if she'd been thinking about it, then she seemed to dial it back a little bit and it started to feel a little weird. She complained about needing to go home alone (it was pretty late and she was really close to me), so I offered to walk her home. It seemed normal to me and she turned it down politely, which was fine. I just can't figure out what's going on, I didn't do anything wrong, did I?
Simon Phoenix Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Sounds like you got some push/pull going on. 1
pfe66 Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 My ex was doing the same thing as well... hinting that she still liked me and missed me. I never initiated contact one bit with her. I started falling for it at first telling me when she was going home or what she was doing at the time. I played it cool at all times. She would usually try to contact me with some random things here and there. Well it started getting to the point that if I went out I would get the 20 questions of who I was with where did I go if I was hanging out with other women. So I basically called her out on it and just simply asked her what is it she wanted with me? She simply said that she saw me as a friend and really cared for me a lot and that she was also struggling with the situation. It was a devastating blow to me but it was something I needed to know. I told her straight up that I did not see her as a friend cause of my feelings and asked her to stop contacting me which she agreed to. So like one of the posters said walk on eggshells in this situation. I think she just wants to drag you around knowing that you are there for her still until she meets someone new. That was just my 2 cents. Hopefully it works for you. 1
Assasda Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 For the most part let her initiate. -Dont be too needy Tell us how it goes
Author muffinman1127 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 She told me that she didn't want me to walk her home because she was afraid of what she may do when we got there. She told me she didn't know what she was thinking and that she didn't want to get hurt, that she was still "guarding her heart." I ended up getting coffee with her today for about an hour and it was great, really friendly and a lot of genuine smiling, especially when I had to leave. She later said I looked good when we talked. It seems like we're dancing around a lot, should I keep this up and see where it goes or wait a while longer and confront her about it?
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