aqualove26 Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I will try to keep this to the point as possible... Me & my lover have been together for 10 months. When we first started talking, we had an instant connection and it was almost like love at first sight. We made it official immediately and began seeing each other DAILY. Which was most likely our downfall. Our relationship developed quickly and everyone knew about it and was happy for us. I was even more happy because I finally found a guy I didn't have to fight to spend time with, who genuinely did anything to make me happy & truly loved me for me... It was my first REAL relationship. I felt like everything was practice, building up for this moment, for this love. But soon I started realizing some of his true colors...his overly jealous ways and controlling manners. I paid very little attention to it, always trying to justify it. It was never abusive, just unnecessary and unattractive. But I can't play the victim here, because - 1) I dealt with/allowed it for months (By "It" I mean: him always checking up on me "where are you, what are you doing, who are you with", not liking me to party on my own, getting upset if I didn't reply to him right away.) 2) I soon became like him, adapting his unnecessarily obsessive ways 3) I eventually cheated on him... which I now have as my biggest regret. In between all of this, we started getting really rocky...always arguing...breaking up to make up (most of the breakups were on my terms) and just when we kinda started balancing out...I brought up my regret and spilled it out to him. I did this because in that time period, we already had our biggest argument (or so I thought) and I felt revealing this would relieve alot of my guilt and trust issues surrounding it. And to say the least, things didn't get better. We broke up again but then he got back with me shortly after because he said he was happy that I at least admitted to and apologized for it and he could tell that I was really sorry and said although he definitely had no trust for me now, he was willing to let me rebuild it. But from there, things still didn't get better long term because we were back at the arguing again, and again, alot of it was because of me...I know I'm a very emotional person. I'm an Aquarius, so I'm also very empathetic. And at this moment in my life I'm a bit emotionally unstable. I'm 18 & he's 22. We met 2 months before my birthday and his! We're 20 days apart. TO THE POINT NOW... The point is, we broke up again about 2 weeks ago. And this time he said he was officially done, that I had drove him to his breaking point. And I could tell he was serious. There was no running back to me this time...I was devestated. I called him every night, wrote him letters and sent him quotes...like I told you, I was madly in love with him and desperate to prove to him he was making a mistake. And finally, after I accepted it, he called me back and said he missed me and wanted to give it another chance. Of course I jumped to it, and after discussing our feelings and the situation. We both agreed. But now I'm scared. I'm scared that I showed him too much of how vulnerable I was and that he might take advantage of that. I'm scared that even though he's willing to try, that his feelings might not come back the same way. I'm scared that I won't be able to make him fall in love with me again. And I know if he doesn't, then it's just not meant to be but him falling out was because of my foolish mistakes not for no reason! And I know, you can not force someone to feel a certain way for you and I have to let time tell if this is meant to be or not...but I feel in my heart that this IS meant to be and I'm afraid to just fall back because then it might not be. But I don't know. I sound so contradicting... I guess the biggest thing I'm afraid of is that I don't want to have fell in love for nothing. I know every relationship is experience but I'm telling you if I could just show you a movie of how beautiful we were in the beginning you would understand why I'm trying so hard. And even more why I'm trying so hard is because I know I pushed him away with all the arguing, breaking up, and on top of that - the cheating. I know I should've never told him, but I did and I can't reverse it. All I want to do now is do whatever I can to show him why we fell in love so effortlessly...and how beautiful and so much more stronger we can be if we make it. His love has to still be there, I just need to bring it out by showing him the old me with a new twist, a more .. down to earth twist. I just know this guy is the one ... and I'm driving myself crazy, even though now we are technically together/working it out, I still need more closure... I know the first steps are to keep myself occupied by doing productive things, working on bettering myself, giving him time to think, not stressing him by bringing it up too much, etc. But another thing that's hard, is that when we are together...it feels weird ): Like the love and passion is still there...but even he said it just feels different. Idk if this different feeling will be the downfall and failure of us trying or will be the thing we needed to bring us back even stronger...Idk what to do also when we're together and things get a little quiet I automatically want to start talking about us but I know I've been speaking on it so much it's even making me sick. How can we BOTH try to make this work? Idk why I have so much faith. I'm just so hopelessly in love.
Author aqualove26 Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 (edited) Okay, This is my second post. This one is a follow up that more clarifies what I'm asking for advice on... -- After being together for 10 months & going through a very rocky phase, me and my boyfriend are both willing to give us one last try. The only thing is, he says that with everything we've been through his feelings have changed and he kind of fell out of love. He says he still has love for me, cares for me and WANTS me, but he just feels in his heart like things won't truly change and that he won't ever be able to trust me or love me the same way again, even though he also says he wants to. Which is confusing... But he said he still loves me/us enough to put aside his changed feelings, and try to fall back in love with me. I feel like I can...not by changing myself or buying his love or anything, just by fixing the things I've done wrong and proving to him that we can be better. I'm just scared that even if I prove that, he won't fall back in love the same way...which I know only time can tell. I just don't know what to do so that when we're together it doesn't feel so .. weird. Like the love and passion is still there, but what can I do to make it start to feel the same!! If I can show him (and myself) that our love is still there and the same, but were just getting better, then I know we can be even stronger. Just how? Or at least how can I stop myself from overthinking it....I'm such an avid over thinker and procrastinator, and most of the time I procrastinate by overthinking. Like right now I'm suppose to be doing psych homework,but I'm here asking for love advice on something I know in reality I cant control...but my stupid heart won't believe that I can't control it. I just really don't want to lose him, and I know deep down he doesn't either, which is why he didn't completely give up. But what do we do now? What do two lovers do when they drove each other out of love but are dying for it back.... Edited October 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 threads merged into one
Author aqualove26 Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 P.S !! I somewhat feel the same as him in the sense my feelings have changed. Because when we last broke up for 2 weeks, I felt like my heart was ripped from me and I felt like even if we were to get back, things wouldn't be the same because of how...broken I felt. But still I am willing and I feel like things can be the same, I just dont know how to go about it. This is such a weird thing me & him are going through...like we've had breakups but never like this before. And I don't want this to be the one that finishes us...I know we can make it through.
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