sambo77 Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I have been hangin around here far too much lately. My nightly ritual is to switch out the lights early, get into bed, hang out in LS for a while with you guys, and then sleep. I dread morning. I feel like at night the world is sorta shut down, everything is kinda on hold...including my pain. Tomorrow means it all switches back on again. The more I read about it, the more I think there seems to be this idea that our failed relationships are a sort of "stepping stone" to the ultimate prize at the other side of the river: true love and that "forever" partner. It's also like we think that the stepping stones have taught us something that will assist us in that final true love (like there is some sort of cumulative wisdom gained from each previous failure). Like reading the level one books will help you better understand the level two books when you get to reading them. I'm not so sure it's true. I think that's a myth that we construct to make ourselves feel better. The truth is that each relationship has different DNA. Sure, you might argue that you are the common denominator. But I don't even think that's true. We react differently to whoever we are interacting with and different people provoke and bring out different sides of us. Add to that the completely different "other" that we relate to each time, the different timing, context, and differences in ourselves...and you appreciate that each relationship is actually a law unto itself. That said, better to go into each expecting the unexpected...likelihood is they all have an unknown shelf life and feelings like loyalty, love, trust, respect? Let's not kid ourselves...they can all dissipate like fog in an instant. And in each relationship the reasons for such feelings dissipating will be largely unknown, complex, and unique. Each time you are lured into the minefield of a new relationship, be under no illusions that you can learn sweet FA from the locations of the mines that blew your heart to pieces in the last one. Hmmm...and as I end this post my ex has just texted me for the first time in 10 days NC. She's just talking about the football results tonight...bread crumb? Should I respond to it? 2
BrightHope Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 That said, better to go into each expecting the unexpected...likelihood is they all have an unknown shelf life and feelings like loyalty, love, trust, respect? Let's not kid ourselves...they can all dissipate like fog in an instant. And in each relationship the reasons for such feelings dissipating will be largely unknown, complex, and unique. Unknown, complex and unique....I think that's what many of us are trying to do here. Figure out what happened, why things went wrong and ended. I'll be honest....Im doing it and if im really honest, I'll admit Im doing it with the goal of fixing whatever it is and getting back together! You raise such a good point - sometimes these reasons are so unknown and complex that we will never know the answer and we have to accept that too. P.S. Why can't I take my own advice? 1
geegee81 Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Did you reply to her text yet? Thing about it before you do it.
Never Again Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 The only thing I have learned from past relationships is to try less. The relationships where I was really in love, where I wanted to make it work the most, where I tried the hardest and put myself out there...were the ones that failed most miserably. Whenever I really gave it my all and opened up, I got my heart torn out. The ones where I was interested, but not always excited, The ones where I took it slowly because I was sort of ambivalent about them were the ones that seemed to go on forever. Now I will break up with somebody if I really don't care about them, I understand that my level of interest and passion is not the same in each relationship. Unfortunately it seems that the best relationships I ever had were doomed to be at the briefest.
melell Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I think the idea that it makes for happily ever after in the future is not true. What is true is it makes us stronger, and it opens our eyes. I stops us from crumbling into depression when things go wrong in our life, it makes us brave, and it makes appreciate reality. We forever know that there is light at the end of that particular tunnel. The lesson is priceless, but only if you really go through the process and grieve, then let go. This is especially if it is our first real love/loss. At the end of the day it could happen time and time again, but that's life, and if you have been through it once, you are usually more than able to go through it again. I also think that we do learn a tremendous amount about how to behave in a relationship, and so that helps, regardless of the differences. 1
todreaminblue Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 (edited) I have been hangin around here far too much lately. My nightly ritual is to switch out the lights early, get into bed, hang out in LS for a while with you guys, and then sleep. I dread morning. I feel like at night the world is sorta shut down, everything is kinda on hold...including my pain. Tomorrow means it all switches back on again. The more I read about it, the more I think there seems to be this idea that our failed relationships are a sort of "stepping stone" to the ultimate prize at the other side of the river: true love and that "forever" partner. It's also like we think that the stepping stones have taught us something that will assist us in that final true love (like there is some sort of cumulative wisdom gained from each previous failure). Like reading the level one books will help you better understand the level two books when you get to reading them. I'm not so sure it's true. I think that's a myth that we construct to make ourselves feel better. The truth is that each relationship has different DNA. Sure, you might argue that you are the common denominator. But I don't even think that's true. We react differently to whoever we are interacting with and different people provoke and bring out different sides of us. Add to that the completely different "other" that we relate to each time, the different timing, context, and differences in ourselves...and you appreciate that each relationship is actually a law unto itself. That said, better to go into each expecting the unexpected...likelihood is they all have an unknown shelf life and feelings like loyalty, love, trust, respect? Let's not kid ourselves...they can all dissipate like fog in an instant. And in each relationship the reasons for such feelings dissipating will be largely unknown, complex, and unique. Each time you are lured into the minefield of a new relationship, be under no illusions that you can learn sweet FA from the locations of the mines that blew your heart to pieces in the last one. Hmmm...and as I end this post my ex has just texted me for the first time in 10 days NC. She's just talking about the football results tonight...bread crumb? Should I respond to it? i dont know about failed relationships not being a stepping stone....when you move on life's path you are stepping where you step that is one step closer to where you need to be, who you need to be with and where you need to go that's logic.....not idealism....if you move, you step and yes there stones underfoot.....some of them are sharp and jagged hurtful stones that teach you not to step on ones that look like that again...lesson learned, you then seek out the smooth polished stones to step on......walking 101....avoid the lego and the sharp stones and when you find that beautiful smooth polished stone you stay and appreciate how jagged it is not........if it feels right...stay if it turns out to be a jagged stone with a polished mask and takes that mask off after the honeymoon period, you walk on.....some of us may have to walk and not find any smooth stones that want to be part of our walk...but we find a progression of jagged ones because we never learned the lesson given......i dont know if that is you .......but losing hope that you will not find someone better ....seems to me that you only see jagged rocks...and fail to see how many smooth stones are just waiting fro you to find them...and maybe i just wrote this whole diatribe to myself.......i often wonder that when i post why my fingers fly so fast to keep up with my thoughts if i am answering a poster or my heart is answering my own questions....... do you often wonder that? if someone asks you a question and you answer....who are you answering and why was the question asked in the first place at that time, by that person, right when you were questioning yourself anyway...its like a test for yourself coming from another source..or that source testing you to see if you are growing and listening to your heart's reply ....and a test for your heart and your true intentions...yes i believe you move on to bigger brighter things...that is what hope is.... a blue sky kinda day on the tomorrow sure enough to follow the fading of the gloom and grey of the regrets and sorrows of yesterday.............thats poetic logic from me......smilin atcha..always keep hope alive........deb Edited October 15, 2013 by todreaminblue
Author sambo77 Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 BH - You're not alone. I've been sifting through the wreckage of my ex and I trying to find that damn black box. And why? Because if I could just locate it I'd know what the heck happened here Then, I reason, I could at least be better positioned to fix it...but that's not true...as you said. Geegee - Good to hear from you...as always. Hope you're doing OK. I waited about an hour, pondered it a little and the convo went like so: ******************************* Her: Watching the game? Go England x (she knows I am not a big England fan...Irish family you see). I wait and ponder... Me: Tell her I'm watching and am pleased...that I'm developing a soft spot for England as I live here now. Her: Really?! Xx Me: Yup. How's things? Her: Good. I'm at college this week x I leave it at that...don't have any more to say. But at least I was civil. ************************************* Was that an attempt to reach out on her part? Could be...such bland texts were always her way of saying "are you still there?" when we were together. I was more direct in my approach. Was it just to see if I'm her "friend?" Could be...but I doubt it. To be honest...it doesn't really matter. I feel that each day I am slowly releasing my grip...and as I do so I become a tiny tiny bit more aware that she just might not be as precious as I thought she was when I wouldn't let go...
BrightHope Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 BH - You're not alone. I've been sifting through the wreckage of my ex and I trying to find that damn black box. And why? Because if I could just locate it I'd know what the heck happened here Then, I reason, I could at least be better positioned to fix it...but that's not true...as you said. Ah the elusive relationship black box! That's excellent Sambo77! Don't you wish there were such a thing?
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