Girlfriend Feels More Friends Than Lovers

[Jay2112]

Me - 25 years old

Her - 23 years old

 

Been on & off for 3 1/2 years - things have been great at times & other times she'll tell me she doesn't feel in love with me & see's me as her best friend, other times shes in love & wants to get married & a future - now for last 2 months she see's me as a friend again & we haven't had sex in over 25 days - we've broken up before & shes always dated somebody else & then came back to me - we live together & have been for 4 months - we lived together previously last year for about 5 months & were dating for a year last year before the split - she says no chemistry - how do I get the chemistry back that we've had many times & have her not see me as a friend - says she needs to work on herself

 

 

 

 

Sorry this may be long but I need help & want to explain everything

so heres basically whole story below

 

 

My girlfriend & I have been together on & off for about 3 1/2 years now. She lived in Florida when we first started dating & we talked on the phone every day & Skyped - I would fly to Florida from Michigan to see her about once a month. We did this for almost a year before she moved in with a friend & they wanted to be young & free & party a lot. She then moved back home to Michigan & we got together, we dated for about 2 months until she got back with an ex boyfriend who she said was her first true love - she would always still talk to me & he cheated like before & she ran back to me & we were together for a year, we got a house & moved in together & lived together for about 5 months - when we moved in I got scared & got in a rut, we pushed each other away & never had sex & fought a lot - we broke up & she got back with a different ex - she moved in with him & said he was in love with him & he was the one & they were meant to be - he would party & get high a lot & worked a fast food job & would talk to other girls & she was always very jealous & never trusted him - this was his first relationship & he didn't treat her good so in turn she would talk to me all the time behind his back & come over my house without him knowing & hang out - we ended up hooking up a few times & things would get hot between us & then she would leave & go to him & I would always get so mad - she had a miscarriage with his kid after about 2 months & then they ended up breaking up few months later & I then asked her to go on a vacation with me to have fun & get away- she said she would go but it was friends & no strings attached - well we had a great time, had sex one night & then things started to get more serious after that - she then was kicked out of her current home & said she had to move back in with me - this was fine, & things were still great for awhile, sex was fun, always said I was the only one who could get her off -we have now been living together for 4 months & she said for the last 2-3 months she has felt like I was just her best friend & said we have no chemistry & she hasn't been very lovey with me - she tells me everyday she loves me & calls me babe & hun but I don't feel the real love - however there have been many times where she will talk about marriage & want to have kids & moving into the new house I bought together & she will be all over me - we currently haven't had sex in 25 days - not much affection between us & I confronted her a few times & finally she told me she feels like I'm just her friend & theres no spark or chemistry - she said she has mixed emotions a lot & doesn't know why I feel like her friend & not in love with me but loves me as a person & couldn't imagine losing me in her life - she has said this before when we dated as well - what do we do from here? I love this girl with all of my heart & I want to make this work, I don't make the move first like a lot of her ex's did & I'm not the dominate masculine type - maybe I've been too much of a push over doing everything she wants & buying her things & I need to start saying no? I bought a house that I'm fixing up & we had talked about her moving into this new house with me & making it our own but now I don't know what to do

Edited October 15, 2013 by Jay2112

[nescafe1982]

HI Jay- there has been a post very recently that is similar to yours. I know it's not an exact match, but here it is if you want to read it:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/432538-i-m-more-friend-than-boyfriend

[nescafe1982]

I will only add in addition that your relationship history makes me wonder about this girl's maturity and commitment in general. It was hard to read through the "wall of text" you wrote, but my feeling is that you will need to:

1) figure out if she is actually invested in solving this problem with you (e.g. you can't do it alone), and

2) you will have to step up your dating "game" and start wooing her a bit more... this might be the doldrums of moving in and getting too "comfortable." She should do same in response.

 

If either of these don't work, you might need to consider cutting bait; there is a chance that she is the kind of woman who requires a lot of rockiness and drama in order to be "hot" in a relationship. I mean, she wouldn't be the first immature twenty-something to cause drama to keep from getting bored. Your mileage may vary, though.

[OnlyHonesty]

This girl can pretty much do as she pleases, she can go back to her bad boy ex who cheats on her, see you behind his back and then run back to you for a shoulder to cry on if she needs to. She knows she can twist you around her finger, there is no challenge and you do not stand up to her, you accept her back into your life and deep down she knows you shouldn't have. You don't see it because your logic and true sight are clouded by a mixture of emotions, sex drive, hormones, lust and general programming.

 

You don't see that this woman will only bring drama into your life, she will flake on you, she will leave you when ever she feels like it and then come back. When this happens, she will no longer respect you as a man because you take it. The reason why she sees you as a friend is that after the drama of leaving her ex or needing a shoulder to cry on has died down, what she is left with is someone that is always avaliable, places her on a pedestal, poses no challenge and lacks assertiveness.

 

Look at her lack of loyalty, look at how she has treated her ex, look at how he has treated her. She has used you for a shoulder to cry on and then ejected you after she has been done. You have allowed this so I would question your self esteem but you are young. She is immature and still caught in the usual trap of going for the bad guy and crying on the shoulder of the good guy. I hate to say this again but if you continue with this, it will only bring you drama, discontent and you are not aware of the other dangers it all poses to your freedom, particularly the living together and the house. I wonder if you are aware of your legal rights concerning ownership when living with someone or the many other dangers or pitfalls.

 

Moving in with her has got to be one of the worst things you can ever do. You are young, the world is your oyster but you just don't see it.