kit4kat Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 I have this friend to whom I've grown very close too. He has always had a bit of a crush on me, but I've always been completely clueless to that fact. He and I tried a few dates a little over a year ago, I hadn't dated in a while, in fact I had just gotten over being broken hearted a few months before. I had no idea how much he liked me until he started pushing me to be his girlfriend. It freaked me out! I became so uncomfortable with how fast things were moving that I was totally turned off by him. I wasn't completely attracted to him in the first place, but all of a sudden I wasn't at all. Things moved on, they began to get back to comfortable for me. We still talked daily, and hung out all the time. I loved having my best friend back! Then I heard that he was still "in love" with me, which, I was oblivious to... I just thought we were having a great time being the best of friends. The news was a complete shock to me. I thought he was over me, so I moved on and started dating a mutual friend. One night he and I had a talk, I was so afraid that this was going to be the end of our friendship, but it wasn't. He accepted my new relationship with open arms, and even put on a brave front for me. However, he slowly removed himself from my life.... The relationship I was having with our mutual friend ended a couple months back. He was emotionally dense and it was like a one way street-- don't you guys hate those? It was tough on me, but I've been ok. I did the ending and we still haven't talked much-- no contact is a pure blessing! A few weeks after I broke up with my ex, my friend started talking to me again... he's now fully back into my life. Whenever I see him, my stomach does flips... as it usually does when I see a boy I like. By the look in his eye, I can tell he still has a thing for me-- I'm trying not to be so oblivious to the obvious this time around. He and I connect on every emotional level there is, conversations come easy, and he cares about me so deeply it amazes me. But, I'm still not attracted to him. Is there something wrong with me? This guy is like head over heals for me, but something tell me it wouldn't work. He's held on for over a year and a half... does that mean anything? I feel bad that I look at him and see my best friend of about 1 1/2 years, who I want to laugh with, cry with, have fun with... and he see's a girl he's in love with, who he wants to hold, love and tell everything is going to be ok. Am I crazy for not being in love with him?
Jilly10340 Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 So do you like him or not. You said your stomach does flips... You can't make yourself love him back, no matter how great he is. Sometimes a guy is really nice, sweet, you have bunches in common, etc., but there just isn't that attraction there. And if it isn't there after a year and a half, I don't see it coming anytime soon. If there's something telling you it isn't going to work, I would listen to it. It usually knows best. The fact that he's held on for over a year does say something, but it says something about how he feels, not you. You do what you want and what you think is best for you. Good luck!
packersgirl Posted December 8, 2004 Posted December 8, 2004 I agree with Jilly, stick with your gut. It sounds to me like you might just have a strong emotional connection. Don't double think yourself, if you tried the dating thing once and it didn't work, then chances are it wont work now.
kit4kat Posted December 8, 2004 Posted December 8, 2004 Thanks for posting back jilly and packers. So do you like him or not. You said your stomach does flips... You can't make yourself love him back, no matter how great he is. Sometimes a guy is really nice, sweet, you have bunches in common, etc., but there just isn't that attraction there. And if it isn't there after a year and a half, I don't see it coming anytime soon. If there's something telling you it isn't going to work, I would listen to it. It usually knows best. The fact that he's held on for over a year does say something, but it says something about how he feels, not you. You do what you want and what you think is best for you. I saw him today... no flips. I think that "flip" feeling comes when I'm surprised by his presence, make sense? Though today he totally surprised me and I felt nothing but worry. You're right, I can't make myself love him. I feel so awful about that too. I don't want to ruin the friendship, but I'm back in that place again-- where I was a little over a year ago when I let him down. I'm so worried about him and his feelings that I stop my chances at a love life all together. Anyone else have thoughts on this?
zero_pistons Posted December 8, 2004 Posted December 8, 2004 i have had friends that are girls before that i fell in love with.... it hurts but we get over it...i still talk to both of them, and i still have feelings for one, but i just put it in the back of my head and try not to worry about it. he'll get over it.
kit4kat Posted December 8, 2004 Posted December 8, 2004 I'm sorry Zero that this has happened to you twice! I feel for you! Yes, he will get over it. Thanks for your post.
alphamale Posted December 8, 2004 Posted December 8, 2004 THIS is why I say that men and women should not be good friends. Usually what ends up happening is one of the two want more. You are obviously not sexually or physicially attracted to this dude or he is too "nice" or he does not bring out the proper emotions and feelings you need. You should break off your friendship with him cause you are doing him a big injustice. He needs to be away from you so that he can find a woman for himself. By remaining friends with him you are keeping him from moving on and giving him false hope....
gridiron Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 He still wants to be your lover and not your friend. He is ok with wearing the mask of friendship right now because you have told him you do not want to be more. He is still sticking around either hoping to change your mind, or he gets enough from the highs of just being around you that they outweigh the lows he feels when he is not around you and knows he has no chance. Either way, it is unhealthy. I agree with alphamale, if you really care for his feelings and can think long term, you will see that you would be doing him the most good by breaking off the friendship altogether, so he can move on. If you can't go that far, you at least have to really cut down on doing things together that is strengthening this emotional connection you feel for each other and frequently ask him if he has found or is looking for someone else, so he can realize that he needs to move on.
kit4kat Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 You should break off your friendship with him cause you are doing him a big injustice. He needs to be away from you so that he can find a woman for himself. Hell no! Are you kidding me? Sure he needs to find a girl for himself but do you really think that my ending a friendship with him is going to help? News flash Alpha, we all need friends-- of the same and opposite sex, we learn a lot from all our friends. Just because he has feelings for me doesn't change the way that I see him, as a friend, and a damn good one at that. I can't see my life without him as my friend, and if he ever needs time away from me, I'll completely understand why and give him his space. But, that has to be his decision. I can't with a right mind tell him the friendship is over and walk away, knowing that it'll break his heart even more. I would be ever more cruel by doing that then I could've ever imagined.
gridiron Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Just because he has feelings for me doesn't change the way that I see him, as a friend, and a damn good one at that. You see him as a friend. I'm still not buying that all of a sudden he sees you as a friend now. He still sees you as someone he loves, and not just as friends. He can move on anytime he damn well pleases. In fact, I like to point out cute girls to him, and he likes to do the same with me with guys-- its a game we play. Like others have said, he'll get over it. Has he? How many of these girls you point out has he actually asked out?
kit4kat Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Has he? How many of these girls you point out has he actually asked out? Hehe, I edited that part out because I got to thinking this exact question that you asked me-- I didn't want Alpha to have a field day with it. None. Not a single one. I wish I could wave a wand and make him see me with the eyes of a friend, but, he has never actually told me he loves me, so maybe he doesn't. I've just heard that through other people. I know I know, I really should've gone straight to him, but I hate confrontation.
gridiron Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Cool. I understand how you feel. Unfortunately, there is no magic wand. I wouldn't say that opposite sex friendships can never work. I do have a few female friends, that I have always seen as just friends. What I do think is that once you have developed feelings for someone of the opposite sex in a romantic way, then you are past the point of no return and can't go back. There are exceptions to every rule, but I think it is very rare. Obviously, neither one of you really want to back off on the relationship you guys have right now. You are both filling each others emotional needs right now, and that is very strong and comforting. But neither of you are getting all of the needs you want met, which you both deserve, because you are both nice and caring peole who deserve more. Yes, he will probably move on some day, even if you just remain friends. The sooner the better, which is why I think you would be helping him if you pushed him that way. Do what you are comfortable with, just don't lose sight of what is the best in the long term.
kit4kat Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Wise words Gridiron. I will definetally be thinking about whats best for myself and him. Thanks again for your input!!!
zero_pistons Posted December 10, 2004 Posted December 10, 2004 haha...i seem to have this uncanny knack for turning girls i like into friends...anyways it really sucks, but you can learn from it, having good friends who are females is a little bit like having the inside scoop....i dunno im trying to look at the positive side.
kit4kat Posted December 11, 2004 Posted December 11, 2004 haha...i seem to have this uncanny knack for turning girls i like into friends...anyways it really sucks, but you can learn from it, having good friends who are females is a little bit like having the inside scoop....i dunno im trying to look at the positive side. Thats true-- one of my best friends in the entire world is a guy. He lives in another state and is engaged. But, while he was dating his fiance, he would get so frustrated with her. One time he left her at his apartment, came over to my house just to ask me how the female mind works. So-- here's a little update for all ya'll. I had a long chat with this guys cousin last night. That poor kid-- he just broke up with his girlfriend and needed a friend to talk to, he's a sweetheart though and as cute as a button!!! Anyway, we were tlaking about how I choose the wrong guys to like-- the ones who are mean, emotionally dense, or down right arrogant-- and then we started talking about the guy who's in love with me. He thinks I should give him a chance, even though I'm not attracted to him. I had to explain to him that not only am I not physically attracted to him, but his emotional/temper side scares the hell out of me! He said that he hadn't talked to him about me yet-- which could be guy code for "I have but I don't want to tell you"-- but that he really thinks he likes me a lot and that I should give him a chance. Honestly, not only is this situation getting harder-- others are getting involved and pushing me towards a relationship with this guy-- but he informed me tonight that he wants to do something special for me for Christmas. This is just getting harder and harder...
Recommended Posts