No contact with AP's wife has been the hardest for me

[peaksandvalleys]

I wasn't trying to say anything my husband did was an excuse for what I did.. I was saying that how he treated me is the reason I'm not interested in reconciliation now.

 

 

I don't think he interested either. You two seem to be on the same page.

[rae_lana]

I don't think he interested either. You two seem to be on the same page.

 

Yes for the most part I think so. I really think he will make someone else really happy and he deserves that, he works really hard, I just hope he will realize it was me that did this and not the kids and come see them.

[BetrayedH]

Option 1. Keep lying to her (omitting things is lying).

Option 2. Avoid her.

Option 3. Be honest with her.

 

Guess which one is the right thing to do.

 

Give her the truth and let her be angry. Anger is better for her than this half-truth confusion bullshi t you're letting her stay in. She needs to come to grips with what's actually happened here so she can move on with her life. Stop pretending that you're preventing further hurt. The lies hurt the most and continuing to lie is not going to help.

[peaksandvalleys]

Yes for the most part I think so. I really think he will make someone else really happy and he deserves that, he works really hard, I just hope he will realize it was me that did this and not the kids and come see them.

 

Maybe have someone else take the children to see him so he does not have to see you. Just a thought.

[rae_lana]

Maybe have someone else take the children to see him so he does not have to see you. Just a thought.

 

Yes, me and his mom have been talking and she said if she could have them for a day this weekend she will get him to come see them.

 

It's hard to explain. My husband considered being alone with his kids as babysitting, since they were born its been that way.. I do diapers and meals and baths, appointments and deal with daycare and school. He worked, brought home money and was their dad but he wasn't like 'daddy' if it makes sense.... It's a huge reason I didn't want to end my marriage and was willing to just live unhappy, was so they could at least have him around as much as possible. He knows I'm obsessive over the kids having a relationship with him because of how my relationship with my dad 'wasnt'... I want them to have a dad. So bad.

 

I feel like right now he will continue to avoid the kids because its his only want to hurt me right now, and I deserve that but they don't.

 

It's not even been two weeks yet so I'm thinking he could still just need space from all of us.

[rae_lana]

Option 1. Keep lying to her (omitting things is lying).

Option 2. Avoid her.

Option 3. Be honest with her.

 

Guess which one is the right thing to do.

 

Give her the truth and let her be angry. Anger is better for her than this half-truth confusion bullshi t you're letting her stay in. She needs to come to grips with what's actually happened here so she can move on with her life. Stop pretending that you're preventing further hurt. The lies hurt the most and continuing to lie is not going to help.

 

I talked to her on the phone last night. I didn't give her details, but I did tell her exactly what she needed to know.. The main things being I pursued him when he played the hot and cold game when I had the choice to stay away.. She that we were sexual every single time she went to visit family over the last year.. I said I know that's unforgivable and that's why I needed to tell her that.. So she knew it wasn't just him.

 

She again asked me about a specific time.. When she had been in the house, asleep and me and him awake, and had thought she heard sex noises, she had joked the next day that she must have woke up to a dream because she thought she heard us having sex.

 

At the time she even told my husband that laughing because she thought it was funny.. My husband did not find that funny.. At the time they both laughed it off as ridiculous.. Him and her, not my husband and I was very uncomfortable with it and was more sympathetic that she had had that thought I didn't think it was funny.. In reality if she had walked in it would have been really really bad!

 

She had asked about that time the night we told them we had feelings for each other.. And I admitted yes, we had been very inappropriate that night, but it wasn't sex.

 

That incident was more than 6 months ago .. It must have been on her mind she asked that night then the next day then when we confessed and now asked about it again. I feel so sick. So horrible. We cried. She asked if she could call me and ask me more questions if she thinks of more.. She is still very sad more than angry. When she talks about him she's livid and I'd describe a rage..

Edited October 17, 2013 by rae_lana

[That Guy In Vegas]

I wonder if you're playing the victim with her like you are to all of us. I wouldn't be surprised that she turns all that rage on you soon.

 

The whole deal with your husband not wanting to see HIS kids as a way to get back at you is just odd. I think most men would have done just the opposite, as in taking the kids with him when he left, and letting you sort out when you'd see them.

 

Actually, your whole story is odd.

 

Lol trying to read these post had me scratching my forehead in all of the dysfunction going on. And truth be told I'm still not clear on the whole situation but i do agree with you on the "playing the victim" part.. As far as the husband, it can happen at times & i've seen it happen. I'm sure he's so confused, pissed, frustrated, felt like a waste of time, and any other emotion one could probably feel at the moment. Who knows, he might even be questioning if the kids are his or not. You never know what goes through a persons mind when things get turned upside down. Often times it's the worst & people can question everything & anything.

 

I just find it amazing that considering a relationship with the friends husband is "normal" and the right thing to do. I'm really trying to understand that.. Out of all the people on this planet, the friends husband is the chosen one & people are supposed to live happy & accept that. Haven't people learned that "you usually loose the person you're with the same way you get them" and in this case, what makes her think he's going to trust her loyalty when she cheated on her husband with him. Some of us men will cheat with you but it doesn't mean we want to be with you or will take you serious in a relationship. You've already proved to him you will sleep with someone else if you're not happy or getting what you want from home. It's weird logic i know but this is how some of us think lol..

 

I'm not even sure if im on the right page with all of this considering the ill logic going on.. All i can say is take care of them babies & make sure they grow up in a stable environment, everything else is secondary. That'll be some crazy explaining to the younger kids once they get old and find out the step dad was the best friends husband that mom cheated on dad with.

 

Hell i need another cup of coffee lol..

 

Hope all is well & having a great day!

Edited October 17, 2013 by That Guy In Vegas

[rae_lana]

I wonder if you're playing the victim with her like you are to all of us. I wouldn't be surprised that she turns all that rage on you soon.

 

The whole deal with your husband not wanting to see HIS kids as a way to get back at you is just odd. I think most men would have done just the opposite, as in taking the kids with him when he left, and letting you sort out when you'd see them.

 

Actually, your whole story is odd.

 

I'm not trying to play the victim, and not meaning to come across that way.

My husband did take the kids the first night, and they were with his mom the first couple days and then she brought them back.

Edited October 17, 2013 by rae_lana
typo

[rae_lana]

Lol trying to read these post had me scratching my forehead in all of the dysfunction going on. And truth be told I'm still not clear on the whole situation but i do agree with you on the "playing the victim" part.. As far as the husband, it can happen at times & i've seen it happen. I'm sure he's so confused, pissed, frustrated, felt like a waste of time, and any other emotion one could probably feel at the moment. Who knows, he might even be questioning if the kids are his or not. You never know what goes through a persons mind when things get turned upside down. Often times it's the worst & people can question everything & anything.

 

I just find it amazing that considering a relationship with the friends husband is "normal" and the right thing to do. I'm really trying to understand that.. Out of all the people on this planet, the friends husband is the chosen one & people are supposed to live happy & accept that. Haven't people learned that "you usually loose the person you're with the same way you get them" and in this case, what makes her think he's going to trust her loyalty when she cheated on her husband with him. Some of us men will cheat with you but it doesn't mean we want to be with you or will take you serious in a relationship. You've already proved to him you will sleep with someone else if you're not happy or getting what you want from home. It's weird logic i know but this is how some of us think lol..

 

I'm not even sure if im on the right page with all of this considering the ill logic going on.. All i can say is take care of them babies & make sure they grow up in a stable environment, everything else is secondary. That'll be some crazy explaining to the younger kids once they get old and find out the step dad was the best friends husband that mom cheated on dad with.

 

Hell i need another cup of coffee lol..

 

Hope all is well & having a great day!

 

He's not questioning if the kids are his or not. I never cheated on him even once before this in almost 10 years, and he doesn't think I did as far as I know.

 

I have at no point said me and OM are going to live happily ever after, but we are both exactly what we both were looking for our whole lives.. Its really hard to explain. I am sure you've met someone it felt like you knew forever.. someone you felt like you could say what you were thinking but you didn't have to because they already knew. I feel like we were supposed to be in each others lives but not like this! I have never believed in soul mates before, I have always thought you make your own fate you can be happy with who you choose to be happy with... its different with him, its just different, I don't mean it has to be husband and wife or romantically magically.. I just mean.. I've never ever felt like myself around anyone like I do with him.

 

I'm not saying it would be perfect. I'm not saying either of us wouldn't have the urge to look for sex elsewhere because we both have major issues with seeking sex for validation I know this.. but neither of us has ever felt the emotional connection like we found with each other.. and for both of us, that's much more important than anything else.

 

I wish though that I could have just nurtured that connection as friendship and never crossed the line.. but I cant go back in time.

 

He always though he wanted an open relationship. He has been honest about that with every single woman he's dated and he was with his wife too. Before they were married and after.

 

Its now that he's going back on that and saying we should go to counselling together because he thinks he just wanted an open relationship because he thought he would never be enough on his own for someone.. I think I felt the same way..

 

I am not considering starting counselling with my husbands ex best friend and my former best friends husband until our divorces are final, and I can be confident I am looking at this with a clear head.

 

He has started talking to someone on his own.. he started last week and has went a few times already.

 

My husband is a good man but he was not always a good man to ME... and I am a good person who did horrible things and I need to learn how to be by myself before I worry about being with someone else. No matter who it is.

[rae_lana]

.. yes, making this easiest as possible for my kids is what I really want.

[That Guy In Vegas]

OK fair enough, do you feel like he could've not crossed the line here & maybe respected the boundary line if there was ever one.. I mean I'm an equal opportunist & believe he's probably more of the cause than you because he shouldn't have crossed the line. Thats just me & my experiences in life as a man. Yes we can feel close to people in life yet there will always be boundaries & a respect line that should never be crossed no matter who that person is to us (maybe im speaking in a perfect world lol). Our decisions will always result in a consequence, good or bad. The ability to choose is an amazing thing, just living with the results aren't always peaceful. I guess this situation wouldn't be so bad if the repercussions & tidal wave effect didn't involve so many other people. I think that's what sticks out to me most. The fact the you two made decisions without thinking of those around you & how it would affect them, mainly the kids.

Edited October 17, 2013 by That Guy In Vegas

[BetrayedH]

I talked to her on the phone last night. I didn't give her details, but I did tell her exactly what she needed to know.. The main things being I pursued him when he played the hot and cold game when I had the choice to stay away.. She that we were sexual every single time she went to visit family over the last year.. I said I know that's unforgivable and that's why I needed to tell her that.. So she knew it wasn't just him.

 

She again asked me about a specific time.. When she had been in the house, asleep and me and him awake, and had thought she heard sex noises, she had joked the next day that she must have woke up to a dream because she thought she heard us having sex.

 

At the time she even told my husband that laughing because she thought it was funny.. My husband did not find that funny.. At the time they both laughed it off as ridiculous.. Him and her, not my husband and I was very uncomfortable with it and was more sympathetic that she had had that thought I didn't think it was funny.. In reality if she had walked in it would have been really really bad!

 

She had asked about that time the night we told them we had feelings for each other.. And I admitted yes, we had been very inappropriate that night, but it wasn't sex.

 

That incident was more than 6 months ago .. It must have been on her mind she asked that night then the next day then when we confessed and now asked about it again. I feel so sick. So horrible. We cried. She asked if she could call me and ask me more questions if she thinks of more.. She is still very sad more than angry. When she talks about him she's livid and I'd describe a rage..

 

If you answered her questions honestly, I'm proud of you for that and you should be proud of yourself, too. You've come a long way from the woman that would never tell. Keep taking steps towards an honest and authentic life. When you keep making decisions that you can be proud of, it's only a matter of time before your pride in yourself returns.

 

At this point, I don't think you need to proactively share more details. But keep answering questions and do it honestly.

 

For the first time, I see light at the end of this tunnel. Everyone can now start on a path towards healing.

[stillafool]

You say your husband has been physically abusive with you in the past. Did he get physically abusive when he found out about your affair?

 

I agree that your friendship is over and the only reason she is calling you now is to get answers to her questions. Once she stops the crying and sadness, look out because she may want your head on a platter. Right now she is grieving the loss of your friendship but she will get over that lie soon enough. Were you honest with her that you and her husband plan to live together sometime in the next 6 months to a year?

[AlwaysGrowing]

Something you posted today, got me thinking.

 

How long have you been friends with this couple?

[Trimmer]

You say your husband has been physically abusive with you in the past. Did he get physically abusive when he found out about your affair?

I'm quoting her statement exactly as she posted it:

He was t physically abusive and I'm not trying to play a victim.

 

I think that's a typo that should read "he wasn't physically abusive", but it could conceivably read either way. It's an unfortunate ambiguity, in the most important of places. Rae_lana - can you clarify?

[aliveagain]

I know. I do know that. It's him or her, or neither of them.

 

Right now I can't think straight and I'd like everyone to leave me alone but I have no right to ask her to leave me alone.

 

 

What did you think would happen? You stole her husband from her, destroyed her family and you expect her to still think of you as a friend? I find your logic very disturbing. Just how remote is the area you live in, you need to get some professional help.

[rae_lana]

You say your husband has been physically abusive with you in the past. Did he get physically abusive when he found out about your affair?

 

I agree that your friendship is over and the only reason she is calling you now is to get answers to her questions. Once she stops the crying and sadness, look out because she may want your head on a platter. Right now she is grieving the loss of your friendship but she will get over that lie soon enough. Were you honest with her that you and her husband plan to live together sometime in the next 6 months to a year?

 

Yes she knows we want to try and be together or that he does for sure because they've talked once now. And he told both of them that night he would marry me if he could, but I'm not actually planning anything right now and he knows that, I said wait at least 6 months and discuss it again..

 

And I won't be getting married again.

 

My husband hasn't been physically abusive other than maybe a couple pushes and grabbing my arm to pull me where he wanted.. he was more verbally and mentally abusive, not all the time.. But like name calling and saying I'm stupid.. That kind of thing. I always told him it felt like the only thing he liked about me was my looks.. He said it wasn't true but the last 5 years it's felt like that, nothing else was good enough, and yes, he smashed things and screamed and yelled and really wanted to hit AP he said but didn't.

Edited October 18, 2013 by rae_lana

[rae_lana]

Something you posted today, got me thinking.

 

How long have you been friends with this couple?

 

About 5/6 years altogether.. We all started getting really close the last 4 years or so.

[rae_lana]

What did you think would happen? You stole her husband from her, destroyed her family and you expect her to still think of you as a friend? I find your logic very disturbing. Just how remote is the area you live in, you need to get some professional help.

 

No not at all! I don't expect anything of her at all.. She has contacted me over and over saying she wants to work on it with ME.. Not the other way around :/ but today has been pretty quiet.

[AlwaysGrowing]

So, you were friends for years then. So not really, we met and fell passionately in love, soulmates. It was boundary crossing.

 

I do hope that you are able to take time for yourself, and really look at the situation.

 

No one should be in a relationship where they are disrespected. Please try to keep everything civil with your STBXH, as he might very well be wondering about the paternity of his children, do not underestimate this for a man.

 

Keep being honest with your STBXBF, as it is the only way to right a portion of the wrong you have done her.

 

Reassure your children that they are loved.

[rae_lana]

So, you were friends for years then. So not really, we met and fell passionately in love, soulmates. It was boundary crossing.

 

I do hope that you are able to take time for yourself, and really look at the situation.

 

No one should be in a relationship where they are disrespected. Please try to keep everything civil with your STBXH, as he might very well be wondering about the paternity of his children, do not underestimate this for a man.

 

Keep being honest with your STBXBF, as it is the only way to right a portion of the wrong you have done her.

 

Reassure your children that they are loved.

 

No it wasn't a love at first sight thing for me, I've said that before.. He says the second he saw me he felt the way he did the whole time, but for me it wasn't until I got to know him. Yes, there was for sure specific things that led to lowering our walls and then we jumped in.

 

My husband knows his kids are his.. For one they are carbon copies of him but I'll for sure take that into consideration. Thank you. I do want to make this as easy for the kids as I can.

[whichwayisup]

No not at all! I don't expect anything of her at all.. She has contacted me over and over saying she wants to work on it with ME.. Not the other way around :/ but today has been pretty quiet.

 

You need to be completely honest with her and let the chips fall where they may. You owe her that much.

 

You love him and hope to be with him someday...SO, tell her this. You cannot be her friend and then continue to lust and chase after her husband in hopes he'll choose you over her.

[stillafool]

Yes she knows we want to try and be together or that he does for sure because they've talked once now. And he told both of them that night he would marry me if he could, but I'm not actually planning anything right now and he knows that, I said wait at least 6 months and discuss it again..

 

 

No, I'm asking if you have told her that you and her husband plan to live together in the next 6 months to a year?

[The Way I Am]

Have you quoted(the one in BOLD) in any of your threads before about your H, or this is the first time.

 

You had lied up saying that you did not have kids in one of your threads, so you might be doing it again.

 

As rae said, she's definitely mentioned he husband does these things multiple times. And I've been baffled as to why almost everyone keeps putting her H on a pedestal when he sounds like an emotionally abusive d*ck who Rae would be better off without.

 

Rae, you keep saying your H is a good man, and maybe that's why others are glossing over his (incredibly) bad points. You consider him some sort of savior because he took you away from your sexual abusers. But unfortunately, he doesn't sound like a rescuer to me. He sounds like someone who found an emotionally vulnerable person and took them away from one type of abuse into another. You view him as your rescuer and a good man, because what he does to you seems less hurtful compared to the sexual assaults you went through.

 

I don't think your H would make a good partner for any woman until he gets himself some help on his major issues. Only emotionally weak and vulnerable women would put up with your H.

 

Given the details you've already told us about your H, I don't find it at all bizarre that he doesn't want to see his kids. Most people seem to think that it's because he doesn't want to see you and is just hurting, which could be right. But I think that's only a small part of the reason. To me, he sounds like a d*ck who just wouldn't give a sh*t about seeing his kids. Though I'm willing the entertain the idea that he's not that much of a d*ck and is only doing it because he's hurting.

 

I think you're right to leave him so that you can finally get healthy. From what I've read, it doesn't sound to me like you're leaving for the OM, but because your marriage is unhealthy. I hope that's how you feel about it, so that you can see yourself as your own rescuer this time not another man.

 

I'm glad both you and OM have realized that an open relationship might not be what you want. I don't know if you remember me telling you that I don't think you're into the idea of an open relationship as much as you want others to believe. What you said about only wanting that because you don't think you're good enough by yourself is exactly what I meant. You don't really want you and your partner having sex with other people, but you convinced yourself you did out of insecurity.

 

I'm also glad that OM is in counseling. I hope that you are as well so that in the 6 month time limit you've given yourself, you'll be in a better position to make healthy decisions for yourself.

Edited October 18, 2013 by The Way I Am

[rae_lana]

No, I'm asking if you have told her that you and her husband plan to live together in the next 6 months to a year?

 

No because we don't plan to live together in 6 months to a year so I never said that no.. I have no idea what my plans are I don't have any yet with him other than we are not 'dating' or together yet and asked that we discuss it again in 6 months.

 

She asked if we wanted to end up together, we both said yes.

 

She said he's not good enough for me.. But she more cried this and told me I don't want him .. She is glad her marriage is over right now, she really did not feel sexual attraction to him anymore and said that to both of is that night, but we had known that for some time. I agree she was self conscious for legitimate reasons of course she didn't want to have sex or be affectionate if she suspected him of being attracted to other women.

Edited October 18, 2013 by rae_lana