Never Again Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 OK - I've made my mistakes. How do I heal? Move on and not care anymore? As hard and cold as that sounds...yes. Trust us. All of us have been dumped at one point, and many of us are still struggling to completely heal. Love is harsh and unforgiving - it allows another person, equally but different flawed, past all of our defenses. It makes you vulnerable and and it takes you prisoner, and like Stockholm victims...we don't want to let it go even if it mistreated us. You'll move on eventually, if you let yourself. You'll pretend to not care...and then you really won't. I very poorly paraphrased both Neil Gaiman and "Swingers" here. They were both helpful breakup distractions for me...I recommend them. The sticky on surviving a breakup and the coping subforum are also great references.
Chi townD Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 Hi! I was directed here by a good friend of mine to see if I can help you heal and move on. So, here we go! One thing you HAVE to learn is that we are all in charge of our own happiness. Somehow, you've convinced yourself that you can only be truly happy is if you're with her. And that's not the case. That's the bad habit we have to break. Our girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands and wives (and even Ex's) are not our entire life! We each have our own lives and we CHOOSE who we share it with. Here's the rub. You were used. She had the best of both worlds. Two guys in her life at once. One, I speculate, was a wild and free spirit that she tries to get to settle down. Then, she had you. The safety guy, the guy that is grounded and values what a married life could be and the prospect of children. Best of both worlds and she could pick and choose to fit whatever mood she was in. That was not fair to you. She used you as well as the other guy. And knew she was doing it. She even apologized for it. But, even through the apologies, she never indicated that she wanted to come back. THAT is something that you have to realize. She doesn't want to come back. She made a choice. And that choice was to out of her life. Therefore you need to give her exactly what she's asked for. You need to start NC and heal. No contact is a GREAT tool to help us heal and move on. To take back the power; to take back our lives! It should NEVER be used to try and get our Ex's back. Because, 9 times out of 10, it never works. Will NC heal you? YEP! It will! But, will doing NC and making positive changes in my life heal me faster? MOST DEFINITELY! You need to make positive changes in conjunction with NC. Here's what positive changes you need to make. Right now, your self esteem and self confidence is in the toilet. Here are some EASY things to help fix that. You need to go to the hairstylist and get a new hairstyle. Not a haircut, but a new style. Something people will notice and like. Then, you need to buy a new wardrobe. Be styling and profiling 24/7. If the style you currently have is jeans, t shirt, tennis shoes and a trucker hat. Then, you need to change to designer jeans, loafers, button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbow, small little hipster tie and vest. GQ all the time. You WANT people to notice the change! You want them to say, "DAMN DUDE!! Looking sharp!!" This is going to help your self esteem hearing that. Plus, multiple studies have shown that when girls decide on a guy with first impressions, the majority look at a guys shoes. Then, you need to eat clean! Cut out all the crap and eat healthy and get plenty of sleep. Then, get your ass to the gym! Everyday! Run on the treadmill and push weight for an hour a day. Just take one small hour out of your day. This will help you work off these stressors and frustrations that your having. You'll be releasing endorphins which will put you in a good mood and make you feel energized. Plus! You'll be working on that lean and ripped; rock hard bod that girls are going to definitely notice!!! That will help your self esteem when you catch a girl checking out your six pack! Then, go back to school. If you don't have a Bachelors, then get one. If you have a Bachelors, then get a Masters. If you have a Masters then get a PhD. Keep yourself busy on your classwork and your mind on you work rather than on what she's doing. A higher education opens up a lot more financial opportunities that you didn't have before. Then, you'll be able to afford that awesome little townhouse in that nice neighborhood. You'll be able to afford that sweet ride you've always wanted. Then, find new hobbies! If you have an interest in something, I can guarantee you that there is a club in your area with people that have the same interest. JOIN THEM!!! Join a running club! These folks get together and train. They also run together for Mud Runs, 10k's, half marathons and full! Join a cycling Club. These folk get together and travel around to different places to mountain bike for a day or two. Take dive lessons, take a cooking class, join a co-ed softball team, or a men's soccer league! Get out of the house and meet these folks! Keep busy! ALWAYS KEEP BUSY!!! Put yourself out there and meet new people! And who knows, you'll never know who you'll meet along the way! Could be the girl of your dreams that you meet during a 10k run! And finally, travel! There's a big world outside your front door, GO SEE IT! Traveling is VERY therapeutic. It gets us out of our comfort zone. Nothing wrong with the comfort zone, except it reminds us of our Ex's. So, go somewhere new and exciting! Talk a friend in going with you! Pick a place that you've always to see and GO! Save your money, pick a date, then make the reservations and GO! Have a blast! Relax and decompress. But, make it an adventure! Deep sea fishing in Key West. White water rafting in West Virginia, cattle driving in Arizona, dog sledding in Minnesota. Or be more adventurous! Sight seeing in Rome, diving the Great Barrier Reef in Australia, seeing the Great Wall of China. She used you and the BEST revenge you can have is to lead a DAMN good life. This other dude got curious about you and looked you up. Maybe, when she hasn't heard from you in a while, she might get curious herself and she might catch a pic of you on the deck of a boat over the Great Barrier reef and she'll see you have your arm around your dive partner and that she is this blonde hair and blue eyed Aussie girl that looks fantastic in a wetsuit. She may say to herself, "Damn! That could have been me! But, I'm stuck her with a guy that won't settle down and isn't that serious about me." THAT'S how you get your revenge! Now, you need to find that motivation. You need to get moving! You have the whole world at your finger tips and you don't even realize it! The first couple of things I mentioned are really easy. Try them first and see if that doesn't help. 2
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 Thanks for the advice. I'm going to try. It just hurts to have someone tell you that they love you and that you are the best thing to ever happen to them and that they cant live without you while doing all this crap behind your back. She said these things just a week before she broke up with me. And then when I found out the truth, she lied some more to try and cover herself. Then she lied to my friends about it. When she finally admitted it all, she was so mean to me. Didn't even care that I was depressed or in pain. Just told me "yeah its like I don't have a conscious." I'm gonna try everything you said. I already do go to the gym and got new clothes and stuff. I can't go back to school, I'm a lawyer so there's no more schooling past that.
Chi townD Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 Thanks for the advice. I'm going to try. It just hurts to have someone tell you that they love you and that you are the best thing to ever happen to them and that they cant live without you while doing all this crap behind your back. She said these things just a week before she broke up with me. And then when I found out the truth, she lied some more to try and cover herself. Then she lied to my friends about it. When she finally admitted it all, she was so mean to me. Didn't even care that I was depressed or in pain. Just told me "yeah its like I don't have a conscious." I'm gonna try everything you said. I already do go to the gym and got new clothes and stuff. I can't go back to school, I'm a lawyer so there's no more schooling past that. Okay! Good! You got the hard stuff out of the way! I'm a University Professor and I still take a class here and there (Damn required CEU's). Now you get to focus on the fun stuff! Yeah, I know it hurts. Been there and done that. Feels like you were played for a fool. But that will past. However, I am TOTALLY serious about getting out of the house and KEEPING BUSY!! This really helps to keep your mind off of her and what she's doing. Some say, "Dude, I keep busy; but, the moment I have free time, my mind start to wander to her." Well, that happens.....but, it only happens when you have free time. If you weren't doing anything but sitting around your place like a lump, you'd be thinking of her a lot more. So, work on those hobbies and travel! Do something fun and do something for you! After the hell you went though, you deserve to treat yourself to something fun.
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 I go through these periods where I wonder what I did wrong or what I did to deserve this? Also, I just wonder why she could be so mean. It wasn't just that she lied and cheated. The fact that after I found out, she was so mean to me, calling me names and all. And when I would ask her why she did this, or what did I do to deserve this, or why did she have doubts about us, her response "I don't know" And she tells me that she knows the other guy is not the right guy for her and not the one she'll spend the rest of her life with but just that she has an emotional connection with him. I just dont get it. She told me all these bad stories about him. It makes me feel like crap that she chose him over me.
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