Author Csmith224422 Posted October 20, 2013 Author Posted October 20, 2013 Well I'm healed in the sense that I'm not mad at her anynkre. But I do definitely care about her and would like to talk to see how she's doing. Is that still to early?
Never Again Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 Well I'm healed in the sense that I'm not mad at her anynkre. But I do definitely care about her and would like to talk to see how she's doing. Is that still to early? Caring is okay. Being mad is not the issue. You may have forgiven her for her misdeeds, but that doesn't change the fact that you are hurting and that you desperately feel like you need her back in your life. That is a bad position to be in when trying to make contact. You will only set yourself up for more hurt.
Minneloa Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 Well I'm healed in the sense that I'm not mad at her anynkre. But I do definitely care about her and would like to talk to see how she's doing. Is that still to early? Your thread is partly titled "or get the love of my life back"; clearly, you are nowhere near the sort of casual interest that would make reaching out a reasonable idea rather than a recipe for disaster. Why not make a decision in your best interest rather than one that is almost guaranteed to set you back? 1
Simon Phoenix Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 Well I'm healed in the sense that I'm not mad at her anynkre. But I do definitely care about her and would like to talk to see how she's doing. Is that still to early? Yes, which is what everyone has said for the last four pages. You aren't going to listen though, so just do what you want. Be prepared for it to really suck though. 1
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 20, 2013 Author Posted October 20, 2013 But I do want her back. Are you guys saying I can only contact her if I want to be friends? I will always want her back. I was so in love with her.
Minneloa Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 But I do want her back. Are you guys saying I can only contact her if I want to be friends? I will always want her back. I was so in love with her. We are saying that you need to accept the breakup, heal, and move on in your life. As long as you are attached to her, you are keeping yourself in hell. I know it hurts, but you have to put yourself first here. The sad truth is that she let you go. If she, at some later point, wants to reach out to you, she will. But you need to act as if she is isn't coming back. Only by doing this will you progress rather than stay frozen in time.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 But I do want her back. Are you guys saying I can only contact her if I want to be friends? I will always want her back. I was so in love with her. You can't contact her until you are cool with whatever result comes from that contact. If she said that didn't want a relationship with you, or was standoffish, or ignored you, would you be OK with that? I don't think you would be. I don't think you are prepared for any of this. But do what you want -- none of the last 55 posts have registered in your mind, so I'm not expecting this one to either.
yorkie Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 csmith, i just wanna say thank you to you, what ever you decide its your choice but everyone is giving you there advice. but i wanna say thank you to you as you remind me of me, and im determined now just to leave my stupid ex bitch well alone! she hurt me so bad yet i still love her but you know what her loss i just posted before my original post asking for support and i am like you wanna talk to her, phone her what ever. its over mate once a woman leaves she is gone for ever well mine is cos how she treated me and tbh its my self esteem that is suffering and im gonna build a wall like she did and build it higher and higher, im gonna build slowly a new life!
Never Again Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 But I do want her back. Are you guys saying I can only contact her if I want to be friends? I will always want her back. I was so in love with her. Simon said it, but I'll reinforce it: It's fine to WANT her, but you're behaving like you NEED her. Until you are healed and okay living your life, the rest of your life if need be, without her...you're not ready to talk to her. 1
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 But I mean - it may cause me pain but there's a chance it could work. Like I said earlier - I'll take the pain. It's just me asking what's the better strategy to get her back.
Never Again Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 But I mean - it may cause me pain but there's a chance it could work. Like I said earlier - I'll take the pain. It's just me asking what's the better strategy to get her back. We've told you. You aren't listening.
Minneloa Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 To recap: 1) you can only control your own actions and decisions 2) your ex's choices are hers and hers alone 3) so, there is no "strategy" to win her back 4) right now, the cold hard fact is that she is gone 5) contacting her is futile in terms of winning her back and in fact only makes you look desperate and needy; it also keeps you suspended in a world of hurt 6) therefore, you might as well take care of yourself rather than endlessly torturing yourself over and putting your life on hold for something that is absolutely out of your hands M. 3
Simon Phoenix Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 But I mean - it may cause me pain but there's a chance it could work. Like I said earlier - I'll take the pain. It's just me asking what's the better strategy to get her back. There's a chance I could jump off a 10-story building and not get seriously injured. However, it's so small that I would never try such a thing. Honestly dude, what do you want us to tell you? Because you aren't listening to what we are telling you.
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 When does contacting her NOT become needy. We always have a need when we contact someone (a need to communicate). So even 5 years down the road if I contact her I may come across as needy. I wont know if my call will be invited or rejected unless I do it. If she rejects my call or me, at least I'll know. And I think the nervousness and not knowing is causing me more pain than actually speaking to her. I mean at least she finally acknowledged that that she was mean and selfish to me and I didn't deserve to be treated like that recently.
reddragon588 Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 How about you let her come to you? It achieves the same goal. If she doesn't come to you then you have an answer. Actions speak louder than words and her actions are speaking loudly. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 When does contacting her NOT become needy. We always have a need when we contact someone (a need to communicate). So even 5 years down the road if I contact her I may come across as needy. I wont know if my call will be invited or rejected unless I do it. If she rejects my call or me, at least I'll know. And I think the nervousness and not knowing is causing me more pain than actually speaking to her. I mean at least she finally acknowledged that that she was mean and selfish to me and I didn't deserve to be treated like that recently. It become unneedy when you don't have any expectations from the contact. When you aren't clingy and desperate and spineless and lovesick like you are now. When you don't even have to think about it and just do it. When you don't overanalyze any response (or non-response) for hours on end. Basically, when you are a hell of a lot more healed than you are now. Look, you are a wussified mess right now. I'm not saying that to be mean (ok, maybe I am a little, but that's because you have zero inclination to listen to reason), I'm saying that because you are going to make a complete jackass out of yourself if you do contact. She knows your number, she can find you. You need to be the prize, not her. You need to man the fu*k up and stop being such a bootlicking doormat. I mean, I cringe everytime you post, and so does most of the thread. Work on you. Get back to being an attractive man instead of a repulsive weakling. And do it for you, not for her.
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 So I called and left a message last night. No response yet. But I do feel better just calling and leaving a message. I dont know why but yeah. I don't get why she pushed me to the curb like that out of no where. The week before we broke up talking about marriage and how she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. Even after we break up, she met with my best friend to tell her how she couldnt sleep at night cause she missed me and that maybe we would get back together. Telling me to tell my mom about her. And then bam. . .. she wants nothing to do with me. I just don't get it. I mean we fought a lot when I found out about the cheating and I said things that were mean. But I think its a normal reaction to be mad at someone for lying so much. Although not healthy, I think its normal when you really loved someone to still care about them. When I said I feel like she used me to her on the phone back in July, the first thing she said "you mean for sex" and now I think thats what i was to her. She once said to me: "yeah you see when people meet me they think I'm this sweet shy girl and would never do anything like this. but yeah what I did was ****ed up and its like I dont even have a conscious." How could someone be so cruel?
Minneloa Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 At this point, OP, I am confused as to why you are posting here. Clearly, after five pages of advice warning you of the perils, you are just going to continue to contact your ex. That's your perogative, certainly, but why solicit input and feedback from us if you are already dead set in your course of action? 1
Philosoraptor Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 It's like you know the oven is hot, are told not to touch it because you'll get burned... but you can't help but check yourself. 1
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 I won't contact her anymore but I was just venting. Now I'm just trying to understand why. What did I do wrong why would someone do this to me? I just wish we could talk so it could end on good terms. This are so terrible between us.
Philosoraptor Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I highly doubt this will be your last time begging as you are still feeling jaded. Who cares why she did what she did? Why would you be so concerned over someone who obviously has the ability to be as cruel as you say? You should wipe the sweat off your brow and be thankful you didn't waste any more time on her.
Never Again Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 I won't contact her anymore but I was just venting. Now I'm just trying to understand why. What did I do wrong why would someone do this to me? I just wish we could talk so it could end on good terms. This are so terrible between us. After a breakup, even a good one, both parties need a lot of space. Emotions are typically high on both sides. A dumper might have "disconnected", before they break...but it's rare to do so 100%. Dumpers often feel guilty at having hurt someone, and breaking away from someone you were so close to is difficult on anyone. However, the dumper made this choice. When a dumpee continues to pressure them, their feelings of guilt escalate. Also, the overly persistent dumpee (THIS MEANS YOU) comes off as desperate, needy and clingy. In other words: unattractive and obnoxious. Who would want to put up with that? Would you? I sure as hell wouldn't. Sometimes dumpers embrace these negative feelings because it justifies their decision to leave. It removes the guilt. I think most people would rather be filled with anger/frustration than shame/guilt. Leave her alone. You had your chance to end it on a positive note by going NC earlier (or even saying "I'm sorry for any pressure I put on you. I think we need to have some space for awhile - that'd be best for both of us" and THEN going NC). Walk away. Questions will haunt you forever if you let them. 1
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Well her ex of 3 years did the same thing when me and her were together and it worked for him. I just dont get it all. I know its crazy that I still love her. But I do. And it hurts so much to not even be able to speak to her. This pain is unbearable.
Minneloa Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Well her ex of 3 years did the same thing when me and her were together and it worked for him. I just dont get it all. I know its crazy that I still love her. But I do. And it hurts so much to not even be able to speak to her. This pain is unbearable. I am sorry that you are hurting. What we are saying is that fastest way to lessen the pain is to stop contacting her, because it only reopens the wound. You have to give yourself a chance to heal by removing the source of your suffering. 1
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 23, 2013 Author Posted October 23, 2013 OK - I've made my mistakes. How do I heal? Move on and not care anymore?
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