Simon Phoenix Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I know it may be painful - but I'm willing to put myself through the pain to make this work. If I'm willing to do that, is the plan / strategy I must take though? It's not up to you to "make it work". It's up to her. So while you are banging your head against a brick wall, she might not care in the least. So stop banging your head, so sit on the bench for a while and compose yourself. Or just take a lap or two. 1
Never Again Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 It's not up to you to "make it work". It's up to her. So while you are banging your head against a brick wall, she might not care in the least. So stop banging your head, so sit on the bench for a while and compose yourself. Or just take a lap or two. Yup. Look, staying in touch and trying to attract your ex back are great and all...but if you're in pain, all you're doing is punishing yourself. Ultimately, no matter what you do here, the decision is hers. You can worry about communication strategy once your healed. Until then all you're going to be doing is hurting yourself and push her away more (which will hurt you even more...yada yada vicious cycle)
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 I mean we didn't talk for two months. I'm worried that if I go away she'll move on from me completely. I really miss her and think if we just talked and saw each other once, things would work out.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I mean we didn't talk for two months. I'm worried that if I go away she'll move on from me completely. I really miss her and think if we just talked and saw each other once, things would work out. This is a bunch of delusion. She moved on from you completely, she broke up with you. And there's no magic words that can make her come back and the longer you keep up that flawed thought process, the worse off you'll be. Her coming back is something she has to decide on for herself and nothing you do or say can push her in that direction. You can only push her away, which you seem intent on doing. But yeah, the bolded part is you projecting your wants on her and has no basis in reality.
Never Again Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 This is a bunch of delusion. She moved on from you completely, she broke up with you. And there's no magic words that can make her come back and the longer you keep up that flawed thought process, the worse off you'll be. Her coming back is something she has to decide on for herself and nothing you do or say can push her in that direction. You can only push her away, which you seem intent on doing. But yeah, the bolded part is you projecting your wants on her and has no basis in reality. Listen to the Phoenix, man. IF she wants to see and talk to you, she'll let you know...and even then, it may not be a good idea to see her. Dumpers can smell desperation and neediness from a mile away - no matter how well you think you're hiding it, they'll catch a whiff and it'll push them away even more. The most you can do is except that the relationship is over and admit any mistakes you may have made...but only do this to yourself. If she wants to hear it, she'll give you the opportunity. Just...watch the movie "Swingers", ok?
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 Everyone is quick to say go NC and all that stuff. But thats not always the right idea, but here it seems to be the ONLY idea. Things wont heal between us by ignoring the problem. I just want her to know that I still care about her.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Everyone is quick to say go NC and all that stuff. But thats not always the right idea, but here it seems to be the ONLY idea. Things wont heal between us by ignoring the problem. I just want her to know that I still care about her. I'm going to be blunt with you. She broke up with you. SHE DOESNT WANT TO BE WITH YOU. She doesnt give two rats anuses about if you still care about her or not. Mentally, she has already moved on from you. You sending e-mail like a middle school child only makes you look so much weaker and she only loses more respect for you. LOTS of us has seen this story 1,000 times and hear the whole "You dont know her like I do NC doesnt work" type routine, and it ends the same way every time. A very sad realization but true. Dont send ANYTHING else. Do NOT give time frames on WHEN to contact her. You should STOP contacting her and MOVE ON
Never Again Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Everyone is quick to say go NC and all that stuff. But thats not always the right idea, but here it seems to be the ONLY idea. Things wont heal between us by ignoring the problem. I just want her to know that I still care about her. She broke up with you, right? Then she knows you care about her. Constantly needing to pressure her with that will only drive her further away and hurt you more. NC is not ignoring the problem, because right now the problem is YOU. You need time away from her to focus on yourself and heal. If you ignore this problem, if you ignore YOU, you will only make things worse. NC is not always forever. It is until you are in a state where you can keep yourself together. You are not at that point yet from the looks of things. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Everyone is quick to say go NC and all that stuff. But thats not always the right idea, but here it seems to be the ONLY idea. Things wont heal between us by ignoring the problem. I just want her to know that I still care about her. Things won't heal between you unless SHE WANTS THEM TO HEAL. She's given absolutely no indication that she does. NC isn't advised because people are lazy -- NC is advised because 99 percent of the time it's the best option. And your situation is not unique in the least, it's extremely common. Don't try to reinvent the wheel -- you'll only get run over.
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 I know but even when we broke up she told my friends that she was thinking about getting back with me. Only when I found out the truth did this entire mess happen...when all the fighting came. I know she still cares. She recently even apologized to me.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I know but even when we broke up she told my friends that she was thinking about getting back with me. Only when I found out the truth did this entire mess happen...when all the fighting came. I know she still cares. She recently even apologized to me. If she goes from "thinking about it" to "wanting to", she'll let you know. And her still caring does not mean she wants to get back with you. I mean dude, the sooner you realize you have no control the better off everything will be.
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 If we just talked, I know this could work. It has to be gradual...cant come from nowhere. We have to be at a point where we are talking again at least.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 If we just talked, I know this could work. It has to be gradual...cant come from nowhere. We have to be at a point where we are talking again at least. And you can't get to that point until you have healed from the break. You aren't healed -- you aren't even close. If you talked right now, you'd come off as needy and pathetic and you would drive her away. Seriously dude, you need to remove your head from your butt here. YOU HAVE NO CONTROL, IT'S ENTIRELY UP TO HER.
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 This is what I said to her in my last e-mail. Did I say to much? It was in response to her email to me apologizing for what she did: "You don't need to apologize anymore. I was angry at you but have let it go. I forgive you for hurting me. We can't change what happened but we can try and grow from it. It does deeply upset me that things are so bad between us because at one point in my life you meant a lot to me. You were somebody very special to me and I would have done anything for you. You think I proofread research papers for just anybody? I hope things don't remain so fractured between us. You were my first love and before all of this you were my friend and someone I really cared about and respected. I don't know if you ended up taking the MCAT or are still applying to med school. I know that it was really important to you. If you need anything, let me know. I think that I will always genuinely care about you - I don't think that I can change. So I hope things are going well and that you're happy."
Simon Phoenix Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Yep, what's said is said and can't be unsaid. It's time for you to sit the next few plays out and get your bearings.
Minneloa Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 OP, I know that you are hurting and that all this advice to detach seems counterintuitive. However, stepping back and getting your emotions under control is really your best option here. Otherwise, you will continue to act out of fear and panic, which is never a position of strength. Most importantly, you need to accept that relationship is over. I know that's the last thing you want to do right now, but it is absolutely crucial. Without this step, you will continue to rehash the past and second-guess the future. It will take time for the reality to truly sink in, but I think you need to start acknowledging the situation: she's gone. The sad fact is, as other posters have stated, there is absolutely nothing you can do to get your ex back; that's on her. So you might as well focus on your own growth and healing. You need to move forward, either way. Sending good thoughts, M. 1
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 20, 2013 Author Posted October 20, 2013 Can I just text her and ask her how she's doing?
Minneloa Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 Can I just text her and ask her how she's doing? What would be the point? Look, you may not be ready to let go yet, and that's your call, but I can assure you that your healing will not begin until you detach from her and focus on your own life. So if you wish to remain in a haze of pain and false hope, then by all means contact her.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 Can I just text her and ask her how she's doing? You can, but it wouldn't be very helpful to you at all.
Never Again Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 Can I just text her and ask her how she's doing? Can you? Sure. Should you? NO. She needs space. You do too. You need to heal, and if you come off as clingy and pathetic you will only drive her away more and then beat your self up for acting like that. if anything is going to happen here, it's going to happen at her pace, not yours. You're not driving this bus, kid. Are you can do is sit back, and see where it goes. 1
hurts2death Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 he is not even in the bus...i would sugest a period of no contact and then we plan sth...till then avoid the busCan you? Sure. Should you? NO. She needs space. You do too. You need to heal, and if you come off as clingy and pathetic you will only drive her away more and then beat your self up for acting like that. if anything is going to happen here, it's going to happen at her pace, not yours. You're not driving this bus, kid. Are you can do is sit back, and see where it goes.
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 20, 2013 Author Posted October 20, 2013 Well - we didn't talk for two months. I just emailed her two weeks so because her ex was looking at my linked in. She emailed me back to apologize for everything and say sorry for being so selfish and mean to me. I just emailed her back to say that I wish things weren't so bad between us I don't think a text asking her how she's doing is so bad.
Minneloa Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 I don't think a text asking her how she's doing is so bad. Ok. So why are you asking for our opinions? 1
Never Again Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 Well - we didn't talk for two months. I just emailed her two weeks so because her ex was looking at my linked in. She emailed me back to apologize for everything and say sorry for being so selfish and mean to me. I just emailed her back to say that I wish things weren't so bad between us I don't think a text asking her how she's doing is so bad. It wouldn't be if you were healed. You're not. You're obsessing over it. You'll know you're healed enough to talk to her when you're not even sure you want to talk to her. If you're going to keep fighting us, just do it. But fair warning, it won't help you at all.
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