Csmith224422 Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Long story short - she was my friend and lied to me about breaking up with her boyfriend. She saw both of us for 2 months and then broke up with him to be with me. Saw me exclusively for 4 months, but the other guy was trying to get back in the picture. So she saw both of us again for two months and then broke up with me cause the other guy promised to change. While we were together we talked about marriage and kids and had plans to move in together. The other guy does not want to get married and even called me back in August cause they had a fight and he even said to me "She was only with you because marriage and kids are important to her and she knows that she'll never get that from me." And he even admitted that she really did love me and want to marry me. She told me in August he called me cause they broke up and had a huge fight. We stopped talking for awhile. And then recently I shot her an email complaining that the other guy was looking at my linked-in account (which he was). She wrote me back and said (1) if I have an issue with the other guy, I should confront him and not her cause she has no control over him; (2) that she's sorry for lying to me, that she was selfish and mean; and (3) that she hopes im doing well. I wrote her back and said I forgive her and wish things weren't so bad between us cause I really cared about her. I send this email to her today. I want things to heal between us and I still love her...I know a lot of people will have bad things to say about her and tell me to forget her but I cant yet . . . if I want to make this work somehow - how do I open up the dialog or what can I do to have her back in my life and make this heal?
Philosoraptor Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 If you want things to work with her she needs to be alone for awhile to sort herself out. Until she's comfortable being alone, and heals in a mature manner... she's just not going to have any clue what she wants nor break the bonds between her and this other guy. You're not going to suddenly "win" her back with some action. She needs to grow up. Until then, she's going to be bouncing around for the attention. Thing is if she wanted you more than this guy, she would be with you. If he could offer her what she wanted, you wouldn't even matter in her eyes. So the question is why would you ever degrade yourself enough to accept being someone's silver medal? 2
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 Very true - she was with the other guys for 3 years (2 years before she met me). He's older and doesnt want to settled. He promised to change and she told me she became confused with her feelings. I still care about her so much. At the very least, I want it to end on good terms.
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 I just wish I understood her . . . marriage and kids are important to her. Why would she talk about that with me and tell me I'm the best thing to ever happen to her and that she'd suffer without me and then a week later kick me to the curb.
Philosoraptor Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I just wish I understood her . . . marriage and kids are important to her. Why would she talk about that with me and tell me I'm the best thing to ever happen to her and that she'd suffer without me and then a week later kick me to the curb. Because she wants those things... just not with you.
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 She did say that she wanted them with me. She told me after the break up that I was the only person that she ever thought about those types of things with . . . and that she's just confused with her feelings cause he promised to change and all. I don't think its completley over just yet. I just want to give it a chance even if it means more hurt and pain on my end. Its worth it for me. I really care about this person and know it can work. Even her ex said that she was in love with me and wanted to get married to me.
Never Again Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Because she wants those things... just not with you. OP, listen to the Dino. Did she think of those things with you at one point? Yes. Is there a chance she still kinda wants them with you someday? Sure. Does she want them with you RIGHT NOW? No. She needs to be alone, and needs to learn to be happy and self-sufficient being so. You need this too, and you need to assume that she's never coming back. This is the only way that you will both heal and have healthy future relationships, whether they be with each other or someone new. In your head, you NEED to accept that the story is over. If there's a sequel down the road, it'll be a happy surprise...but that's the only way it'll happen.
Philosoraptor Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 She did say that she wanted them with me. She told me after the break up that I was the only person that she ever thought about those types of things with . . . and that she's just confused with her feelings cause he promised to change and all. I don't think its completley over just yet. I just want to give it a chance even if it means more hurt and pain on my end. Its worth it for me. I really care about this person and know it can work. Even her ex said that she was in love with me and wanted to get married to me. Actions speak louder than words. She said a lot of things to relieve her guilt and keep you on the backburner... but her actions prove she wants this guy more than she wants anything with you. Marriage, kids, the works. You need to care about yourself enough to not accept being second best to anyone. By even considering taking her back you're telling yourself and her that you're ok with him being her first choice and taking the scraps if he decides he doesn't want her. Would you go to a restaurant, pay full price, and only get the leftovers from someone else's plate?
StyleOnEm Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Words are just words, my dude. People grow and their emotions and wants change like the breeze of the wind. Actions are what you need to be looking at. I'm afraid you're stuck on the past. You have to realize she is not the same girl she used to be. It's sad she's stringing you along for the ride, but at this point she doesn't know what she wants anymore. And nothing you can do or say will "let her see the light." My advice? Take it easy. Sloooow down. Don't try to convince her of anything. It will only push her away. If you take a step back, if she still has strong feelings for you, she will start wanting you more & you will see it in her actions. If not, then at least you didn't waste any more of your time on someone who can't give you what you want. And that's the key. You are too hung up on giving HER what she wants -- kids, marriage, etc. But what about what YOU want? Is she giving it to you? Doesn't sound like it.
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 Words are just words, my dude. People grow and their emotions and wants change like the breeze of the wind. Actions are what you need to be looking at. I'm afraid you're stuck on the past. You have to realize she is not the same girl she used to be. It's sad she's stringing you along for the ride, but at this point she doesn't know what she wants anymore. And nothing you can do or say will "let her see the light." My advice? Take it easy. Sloooow down. Don't try to convince her of anything. It will only push her away. If you take a step back, if she still has strong feelings for you, she will start wanting you more & you will see it in her actions. If not, then at least you didn't waste any more of your time on someone who can't give you what you want. And that's the key. You are too hung up on giving HER what she wants -- kids, marriage, etc. But what about what YOU want? Is she giving it to you? Doesn't sound like it. Style - good points. By take it slow, what do you mean? We just started talking again. I'm not pressuring her or anything just e-mails back and forth. We went two months without talking. Do I just exchange a few emails back and forth and then give her a call? What pace do I go? I dont want to scare her away either though. . .
Never Again Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Style - good points. By take it slow, what do you mean? We just started talking again. I'm not pressuring her or anything just e-mails back and forth. We went two months without talking. Do I just exchange a few emails back and forth and then give her a call? What pace do I go? I dont want to scare her away either though. . . I'd suggest slowing everything down. Your mind is probably racing - slow it down. This girl is NOT your whole world and you can't put her in a place where is feels like she is. No matter what you want from this, you need to be healed completely before you continue contact with her. If you still feel like you NEED her or are actively trying to get her back, then you're not ready.
StyleOnEm Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Style - good points. By take it slow, what do you mean? We just started talking again. I'm not pressuring her or anything just e-mails back and forth. We went two months without talking. Do I just exchange a few emails back and forth and then give her a call? What pace do I go? I dont want to scare her away either though. . . Take your time responding to her texts/emails... don't always answer her phone calls... keep your texts short and to the point, etc.
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 That's what I've been doing. Do I eventually suggest that we meet up?
StyleOnEm Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 It's not your job to suggest anything. If she wants to see you, it's her responsibility to initiate it. She's the one toying with your emotions. I wouldn't initiate anything.
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 Is it Ok for me to initiate contact every now and then? I'm talking like once a week or every two weeks.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Is it Ok for me to initiate contact every now and then? I'm talking like once a week or every two weeks. No. You shouldn't even be talking to her to be quite honest -- you still aren't ready for this. The moment she shows a sliver of interest you are going to overreact and scare her off. Do not initiate a thing and do not respond to every text of hers. Nothing is less sexy than being clingy and overavailable.
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 What if I never get a response to my last e-mail which I sent two days ago. Do I never reach out to her again?
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 Also is it clingy if I send a message every two weeks?
Never Again Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Also is it clingy if I send a message every two weeks? Yes. If she initiates contact, you should respond at whatever pace SHE sets. If it takes her two weeks to respond to and email, it should take you at least two weeks to respond back. If she doesn't respond, you need to let it go for a long time (or forever). If you badger her, she will resent you for it.
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 Ok so she responded to an email last week two days later. I sent her an email back 4 days after he e-mail this past Tuesday. Still no response to my second / last email. I'll wait 2 weeks and send a text just asking her how she's doing. sound like a plan?
Minneloa Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Ok so she responded to an email last week two days later. I sent her an email back 4 days after he e-mail this past Tuesday. Still no response to my second / last email. I'll wait 2 weeks and send a text just asking her how she's doing. sound like a plan? This sounds like a plan to keep yourself in a very painful limbo indefinitely. 1
Author Csmith224422 Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 I know it may be painful - but I'm willing to put myself through the pain to make this work. If I'm willing to do that, is the plan / strategy I must take though?
Never Again Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Being in pain will only work against you. You need NC until you are healed. Only then can you think about communication. 1
Minneloa Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Being in pain will only work against you. You need NC until you are healed. Only then can you think about communication. Boom. Co-signed. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Ok so she responded to an email last week two days later. I sent her an email back 4 days after he e-mail this past Tuesday. Still no response to my second / last email. I'll wait 2 weeks and send a text just asking her how she's doing. sound like a plan? It sounds like a plan. A crappy plan. 1
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