Author AutumnMoon Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 Why does it bother you, that for many other people involved in affairs, from all angles, say a truth that is true for those individuals. Why is your truth the only truth you will accept. Why do you have a hard time with others have a different view/experience/thought process? You did start with a very polarizing premise. That ALL affairs are like this, even a ONS, (where many would not even recall a face or a name). Dday, no Dday, length of affair, who ended it. Didn't matter....everyone else was supposed to have the exact same feelings as you. I have learned in my life, that yes...feeling may be real...however they aren't necessarily based on truth, nor are they static. When we have more information, our feelings change. It doesn't bother me that people have different views and don't agree. I don't always understand the why and how of how someone else thinks but it doesn't bother me as much as I'm curious about it. If its the truth that someone is able to move on and never think of someone again that easily I'd be surprised but not bothered so much.. And I never meant to say its true in every single case. Affairs are just very intense and involved deceit and fantasy, daydreaming and planning, and those things are often memorable. If you meet and bond with someone, they likely will think of you... I did not say whether positive or negative.. Don't stress if someone's thinking of you, if your memorable they will be from time to time in my opinion almost always at some point... but some people maybe have early signs of dementia or amnesia maybe and can seriously say they can wipe whole relationships from their memory. ..... I wasn't meaning at the start of this thread that anyone goes on to pine for someone for 30 some years. I was more talking in the affair while its on going.. Or in the recent months and years after an affair.
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 That's often true, but you are assuming that their motivation is "to help themselves move on". To me, its more like an evolution. As I have said before, if it is perceived like an addiction, the affair is viewed in a different light once time has passed. An addict really loves his heroin, but after he sees the damage it has done to his life, he sees it in a different light. It's goodness was colored by consequences. Yes, it made him feel good. But it was toxic to him. It is AKA "the fog". When someone is in the fog, they are often living moment to moment. They act on their feelings & emotions. At that point in time, they feel that affair benefits them. When someone comes out of the fog, they look back on the affair in a more logical & unemotional way. The consequences often cause WS to see the affair as a liability (instead of a benefit). In the fog, the affair has a positive impact on the person's life. Out of the fog, the affair is seen as having a negative impact. I don't think this negates the feelings felt in the affair, though. The original feelings were valid & real, even if later they decide that loving that person was misguided or not good for them. People evolve, change, mature & grow all the time. Haven't you ever looked back on a situation & felt differently than when you were in it? Time & space can change a person's perspective. It doesn't mean that they are fooling themselves or trying to trick themselves into not caring. Our life experiences, our choices, the ramifications of those choices shape us. We evolve & change as we mature. This was a great post and all true. I've of course looked back and seen things differently. And yes, many people would have the motive of moving on for convincing themselves the other person never cared.. And doesn't think of them ever.. I get it. I'm just saying I don't buy that person actually isn't thinking about it. Not all the time.. And maybe not positively but they'll think about it too. 1
threelaurels Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Really!?! Okay granted my sexual history is very limited so the name recognition is easy but I still remember the events of the day, what was on the radio, his room and what I was feeling during the moments. I stink at dates so couldn't tell you for the life of me when it was outside of summer but yeah it's still a pretty vivid memory. In general, I don't have a very good memory when it comes to remembering things long term, so that might partially explain it. I'm pretty sure I was sixteen, and the only things I definitively remember are that his name was Derek and it was at my friend Victoria's house. What the room looked like, the color sheets, and even where the hell my friend (or her parents ) was when all this was happening is lost on me I've also, um, been around town once or twice. I was adventurous in college
MissBee Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I think it's easy to say in the moment that there are certain people we will never forget, but the reality is that time makes us forget many things, past lovers included. I used to think I would remember the moment I lost my virginity forever, and that the person who took it would always have a place in my heart. Now, I barely even remember how old I was, and I can't for the life of me remember his last name. Time makes people and things that once meant the world to us matter less and less to us after they leave our lives. This is true which is why so many people try to stay friends with their exes, because they believe that they will never be able to live without at least the friendship and it's also why the beginning of break ups are difficult, as the pain seems endless and even if you've experienced it before, at the time it feels like you will never know a time when you have no more feelings toward that persons. Then life inevitably goes on....and a day comes when you realize you have to try to think about this person and it is no longer easy, automatic or has emotions attached. Which is also why I don't believe in "lost love". I believe all relationships which end end for a reason and it is not healthy to dwell on it forever. I actually feel sorry for anyone pining over someone they are no longer with esp while married or when years and years have gone by. The natural and healthy course is, you process these feelings and with time they decrease and you let go. But it won't be a case of you forever thinking about them all the time or having strong, positive or negative, emotions every time you do.
TheOW Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 (edited) I think what some OW don't get is that many men once they have decided to be really honest with themself and their W see the whole A sitch they were in as toxic and dysfunctional. That includes the OW, who they see in a totally different light. So, no they are not pining for her, and her repeated contacts are seen as unwelcome/harassing. As for the "naïve" wives with H pining for OW, maybe they don't know what hes thinking, but they probably know something is off because that is someone who is still half in/half out of the M and A. Utter pish! I would understand if repeated contact from ow was going then yes, but my previous statement already said that. My xMM was married for 30 years I was his only A (yes yes everyone will jump in and say no I wasn't because BS on here always know everything) but I was, he is very remorseful for what happened he wants to stay with his wife the woman he built his life with, had kids etc etc. I haven't contacted him but I have spoken with him on a few occasions and he always says he misses us he misses our chats and friendship and he thinks about me a lot, we both know we will never enter the A again and I can assure you he wouldn't do it, he risked too much. Some men fall out of love with their wives but stay for the security of their family no matter what. Bottom line ? Every A is different and people are different if it was a very intense EA and PA over a long period of time then of course they think about you and vice versa. I also like how my other comment about previous MM on here get chased was avoided Edited October 16, 2013 by TheOW 4
sweet_pea Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 (edited) Utter pish! I would understand if repeated contact from ow was going then yes, but my previous statement already said that. My xMM was married for 30 years I was his only A (yes yes everyone will jump in and say no I wasn't because BS on here always know everything) but I was, he is very remorseful for what happened he wants to stay with his wife the woman he built his life with, had kids etc etc. I haven't contacted him but I have spoken with him on a few occasions and he always says he misses us he misses our chats and friendship and he thinks about me a lot, we both know we will never enter the A again and I can assure you he wouldn't do it, he risked too much. Some men fall out of love with their wives but stay for the security of their family no matter what. Bottom line ? Every A is different and people are different if it was a very intense EA and PA over a long period of time then of course they think about you and vice versa. I also like how my other comment about previous MM on here get chased was avoided Nevermind what I said in reply to this. What I don't get is why it's so hard to believe that some ex-affair partners do pine after each other, and some don't. Just like people say not every affair is the same, well, not every person is thinking about their affair partner or pining after them. But, that's just my opinion... forget the fact that xWS/xAP have shared this sentiment. Edited October 16, 2013 by sweet_pea 1
ComingInHot Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 TheOW, I would, after reading your story before D-day, through D-day and after, agree that Your MM would think of you. As would your exH (or soon to be ex, not sure*). Autumn moon, THANK YOU for answering me respectfully and without angst (cause I'm one of thos crazy ass delusional BS's) *wink* I think it helped give ME clarity of what the actual meaning behind the thread topic was. It's SO easy to get off in the wrong direction sometimes and then that can be frustrating for good open discussion by all parties, ya know?! (smile) velvette, your response too and others, Thank You! With that said, I am certain MM/exMM thinks of you, whether good, bad and or ugly. (great now I'm jonsen for old Clint Eastwood movies)*
velvette Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Utter pish! I would understand if repeated contact from ow was going then yes, but my previous statement already said that. My xMM was married for 30 years I was his only A (yes yes everyone will jump in and say no I wasn't because BS on here always know everything) but I was, he is very remorseful for what happened he wants to stay with his wife the woman he built his life with, had kids etc etc. I haven't contacted him but I have spoken with him on a few occasions and he always says he misses us he misses our chats and friendship and he thinks about me a lot, we both know we will never enter the A again and I can assure you he wouldn't do it, he risked too much. Some men fall out of love with their wives but stay for the security of their family no matter what. Bottom line ? Every A is different and people are different if it was a very intense EA and PA over a long period of time then of course they think about you and vice versa. I also like how my other comment about previous MM on here get chased was avoided OW I used your comment as a jumping off point, but it wasn't specifically directed at you. I don't know your story other than skimming it as its way long. Appears you had a very drama/trauma filled Dday so yeah probably be a while before any of you forget it. Anyone who has been in a long M will tell you they have fallen in and out of love with their spouse more than once. I don't buy the whole staying for everything except the wife. I will never understand why a woman would not be repulsed by that kind of wishy washy pseudo love.....either as a W or an OW. Just not my definition of love or of a man. To each their own. As for the men who wander in here and then leave.......I think they are as overwhelmed by the swarm of OW who want them to be stand in's for their MM as they are by anything coming from a BS. 1
LilGirlandOW Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Really!?! Okay granted my sexual history is very limited so the name recognition is easy but I still remember the events of the day, what was on the radio, his room and what I was feeling during the moments. I stink at dates so couldn't tell you for the life of me when it was outside of summer but yeah it's still a pretty vivid memory. My sexual history is very limited also, i vaguely remember particulars regarding loosing my virginity, and my second partner, we dated for 2-3yrs and I can't recall his last name for the life of me, lol. But that's me, I remember odd things lol, and forget things others might closely hang on to. I think if your A was long term, punctuating a "marriage of duty/routine", and the WS isn't a serial cheater than of course he/she thinks of you no matter how your A/R came to an end.
LilGirlandOW Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Lol it's funny cause my second partner, the only thing I can remember about him, and we dated for along time is his name, where he worked (forget his position there though), and that he had obviously too short f his body arms and fingers, lol. He reminds me of LisaLee's avatar lmao. Somehow I thought he was gorgeous, lmao. **** me lol
anne1707 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Don't even remember what he looks like lol. I suggest you actually take the time to read my posts before you comment on them.
anne1707 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Time makes people and things that once meant the world to us matter less and less to us after they leave our lives. This is so true and I suspect it applies to most people and there is no reason at all why it should be any different for former WS or OW/OM. My past is where it should be. It has made me who I am today but I do not live in or for that past. I live for now and for my future. I had a 3 year affair with all the emotions that can come with that and I even still work with the exOM but I really just don't think of him as anything more than a colleague or miss how things were. Its not a case of "forgetting" in the strictest sense of having no ability to recall memories, it is just something I don't think about purely because I have moved on. It is also not something my husband told me or implied that I should forget. It happened because of me and the way I work generally. The OP did imply to me and others too that ALL former WS will think of their AP. All I have said is that not all will. Some may accuse me of being shallow or throw some other accusation my way as happened in this thread. But just because what I think or feel does not fit in with how others want fWS to feel does not make it any less true or any less healthy and reasonable. 3
TheOW Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 We have 2 long term MM who post on here who have recently said that they still think about their xOW and have both denied this to their wives. I agree with most comments that after a time of course you forget about people, feelings don't last forever and some people can just switch them off. But most of the ow posting on here are not long out of their A and unless the A was very short I'm not buying that the MM doesn't think of her.
Journee Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 (edited) Another hindrance to moving on for many is this presumption that all WS and APs form a monolith of thought and action. It is not reasonable to do this. If all situations ,people ,circumstances , time frames ,cultures ,histories can be different then how could a hand full of posters possibly represent a united front? It simply isn't the way things are. If I absorbed what certain posters write as gospel I would lose my own truth. Like if Mary Message board said she does this then it's so. Yes, but only for her as she only can speak for herself. I still feel that it's just another way to validate one's importance. As if it hangs on what someone may or may not be thinking. It's maddening and I do get it. Fact is there is no way to know what another's mind holds. I'm sure it's masses of memories from life. So what? Thoughts can be fleeting or haunting. They can change like the direction of the wind. Without rhyme or reason. Everyone has their own truth. Their own ways to process events. Trying to decipher them all for everyone would be a big job. I think about things that I need not. I analyze everything. I pick things apart. Does that mean one thing is more important to me than the other? Not necessarily. There are horrible things in my past that I would just as soon forget but here I am picking them apart years down the road. It's just how I process things. The next person may bury the same events or seek therapy to learn how to cope. Everyone is different. We state that here all of the time. It seems reasonable that is this case with this topic also. Edited October 17, 2013 by Journee 6
Got it Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 In general, I don't have a very good memory when it comes to remembering things long term, so that might partially explain it. I'm pretty sure I was sixteen, and the only things I definitively remember are that his name was Derek and it was at my friend Victoria's house. What the room looked like, the color sheets, and even where the hell my friend (or her parents ) was when all this was happening is lost on me I've also, um, been around town once or twice. I was adventurous in college Bwahahahahaha!!!!!! :laugh: You know I really don't know what to say here . . . And this might just be a personal thing for people. I have always had a very good long term memory and so remember a number of things from childhood that my siblings don't always. I am the one that will know what was going, who was eating what, and what happened (for some reason most of my memories involve food. ) I always have these random memories and some going back to me being pretty young. So this may not have as much to do about the value of the other person but also factoring in one's own memory processing. Nowadays my short term is pretty shot. Life is so crazy that if I didn't keep track of things I would lose my head if it wasn't attached to my shoulders.
anne1707 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 So this may not have as much to do about the value of the other person but also factoring in one's own memory processing. I don't think it is this either. I have a really good memory but if something/someone is not important to me I am not going to spend any time thinking about it/them. Simple as that really. Different people.... 3
unicorn farts Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I think about the times I've awkwardly made eye contact with strangers much more often than I think about old boyfriends and heartbreaks 3
Got it Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I don't think it is this either. I have a really good memory but if something/someone is not important to me I am not going to spend any time thinking about it/them. Simple as that really. Different people.... Anne, That is not what I said. It was in regards to laurel's comment about even being able to remember certain events, not about duration or frequency of thoughts.
anne1707 Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 Anne, That is not what I said. It was in regards to laurel's comment about even being able to remember certain events, not about duration or frequency of thoughts. I suspect we may both be misunderstanding each other I took your post to mean that you have a really good memory hence that may be why you would remember in the context of the thread's topic and that other people maybe don't remember in that way because they do not have a good memory. That all sounds rather circular so I hope it makes sense
Got it Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 What I was saying is one's memory process will also factor into how much someone remembers, people, places, things, and events and it is not just about the "value" or significance of the people, places, things, or events. So, while you have a very good long term memory, you have memories/recall events of past events and people, you do not place significance on said events to need to reference back to them but the recall is possible. Others, who do not have a very good long term memory, will not have memories/recall events of past events and people, regardless of significance on said events. The recall is not possible regardless of the value/significance of events/people. 1
Stellar Wench Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 OW and OM's... Your AP is thinking of you whether they ended the affair or whether you did. Whether there was a Dday it not.. Yes, unless it was a one night stand (and even if it was I'm sure he or she still thinks of you.) .. They are thinking of you ... Be it positive or negative, I don't know anyone that just forgets about someone they have been involved with on any kind of emotional or sexual level.... There are a lot of people here who have been hurt by their spouses cheating and I'm sure they would like us to think their husbands or wives just used you and forgot you.. But they have not.Why is this so relevant to you? Do you remember every boyfriend or crush you've ever had and think of them often? I surely hope not, lest you have a lot of spare time on your hands. xOW or xGF or even xBS, whether they think of you is irrelevant. The relationship is over, time to move on. 2
Author AutumnMoon Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 Why is this so relevant to you? Do you remember every boyfriend or crush you've ever had and think of them often? I surely hope not, lest you have a lot of spare time on your hands. xOW or xGF or even xBS, whether they think of you is irrelevant. The relationship is over, time to move on. I've only had 3 significant relationships and all of them were my crushes first, so yes.. I do spend time thinking about them but not every second of the day and I'll say again.. I don't mean this would be a lifelong thing, more in the few years after.. Or during the affair because mines still on going.. And it's something I've thought about. And especially the type of relationship that comes with an intensity like an affair. It's not irrelevant to everyone.. Not at all, and I was actually saying dont spend too much time worrying about it because if course he or she spends some time thinking of you if your relationship or connection was real enough that you are thinking of them, positive or negative, they'll likely at times be thinking of you too.
ladydesigner Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I agree. And, I think it's a bit odd that some people don't even remember their sexual partners? That seems odd to me I guess because I haven't had enough sexual partners to actually forget them (their names and such?) and only have had sexual relationships with people I had longer term relationships with - so, that kind of blows my mind. Eh it's not so bad. I had a lot of playing years in college (always used protection). I remember ALL of my sexual partners, names not so much the years and my kids tend to have done a number on my memory I guess.
jlola Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I agree. And, I think it's a bit odd that some people don't even remember their sexual partners? That seems odd to me I guess because I haven't had enough sexual partners to actually forget them (their names and such?) and only have had sexual relationships with people I had longer term relationships with - so, that kind of blows my mind. Being OW to 2 men blows my mind. But I guess everyone is different. BTW, I have not slept with many, remember them. Some not fondly at all. But someone who has had more experience than me is their business. They are not stepping on anyone else's toes. 1
jlola Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Oh, they aren't stepping on my toes at all - just commenting that I can't imagine not remembering all of my sexual partners. That's all. And, I haven't been an OW to 2 men - at least not knowingly, lol. As far as I know, just exMM knowingly - the guy I dated for 6 months - well, nobody knew, including his brother who introduced us and wanted us to date. If noone knew then he was getting serious with another woman while he was with you and chose her. So why so mad with BS. You were practically one too. I'm sure you treated him well, But he would be a cheater no matter what! I was once almost OW. dated a guy for awhile, never sexually intimate. He was really patient and that fooled me. He was also my exact physical type" and as sexy as they get. I was getting reeled in hard! Then one morning I received a phone call from his live-in GF!!! She found my number and wanted to know what was going on. I told her the truth. I also apologized and told her I would not be seeing him again. So when he came around for weeks, with crocodile tears and a sad look on his face, I treated him like furniture. I walked around him to get to my car, ignored anything he said. never responded. He got the message. He was no poor victim and I felt sorry for his betrayed GF. He was a cheater and I am worth too much to involve myself with a liar and manipulator. I was raised by one so I know their M.O. tears,pity play,manipulation,pitting one against the other. Yeah, they do this real well. Tricking someone like that, not giving them full information on your "status" is extremely disrespectful,deceitful.
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