Of course he/she thinks about you!

[hippetyhop]

I am divorced and in a relationship with my FMM (I was divorced long before I met FMM). I don't ever think about my ex husband. I mean seriously, almost never, and we have kids even. He is just not part of my reality.

 

My FMM has not been divorced for very long, I asked him this question and he said he rarely thinks about her, only if something specific brings her up, like an issue with their child. He said "I'm too busy living my life and being happy with you, I don't care about her".

 

I would suspect it is this way for most. Even if they think of OW once in a while, rarely do they pine for the OW. If they did, they'd do something about it. I can't be sure, but this has been my experience. I'm sure it's different for everyone, though.

 

Isn't there a difference between a divorce and an A ending because WS found out?

 

We ended the affair civilly due to his wife's suspicions he was doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing. We let each other know that we'll always be there for each if need be. I haven't contacted him, and vis-versa. Honestly, I don't think I will ever hear from him again unless I run into him at a function. Since we ended it on a different terms instead of an ugly mess- - I can't say for him if he thinks of me or not. Only he can.

[happy stillmore]

I suppose if the the MM/MW is truly happy in their marriage, they do not think of AP as often. Now if the MM/MW stayed out of obligation or is settling, then he/she may be thinking What If he/she chose the AP.

 

It depends on the MM.

 

Weski, this is too dependent on the MM/MW. The OP can only control him/herself's thoughts. It really is wasted mental energy. I'm guilty of it too.

[Journee]

I think a lot of the back and forth about this subject is that there seems to be folks on both sides letting what the WS may or may not think define them. That the AP or BS is somehow less than because the WS isn't sick about one or the other.

 

I love my H but even if he chose one of his AP's to have a relationship with , my worth is not diminished. I'm not somehow less deserving than the OW. Same in the converse. If H never thinks about his other women , he did not choose to pursue anything lasting with them , they are not subhuman. He does not define any of us.

 

Seems like people really do believe that the actions of a wayward reflect upon those surrounding. That a person who is cheated on or cheated with is defective. Which is it? Is it both? Neither? I dunno.

 

I am trying very hard not to let my WH's affairs define me. To allow myself to believe I'm not worthy because of his choices. To let the ish I read here pull me into oblivion. If he thinks of his affairs fondly or with embarrassment does it make them go away? No. Does it change his decision to be with me? Does it change my decision not to decide? It changes nothing.

 

If a wayward could look into the minds of their betrayed spouse's after the truth comes out they may not like what they see either. It's dysfunction at its finest.

[MissBee]

I think a lot of the back and forth about this subject is that there seems to be folks on both sides letting what the WS may or may not think define them. That the AP or BS is somehow less than because the WS isn't sick about one or the other.

 

I love my H but even if he chose one of his AP's to have a relationship with , my worth is not diminished. I'm not somehow less deserving than the OW. Same in the converse. If H never thinks about his other women , he did not choose to pursue anything lasting with them , they are not subhuman. He does not define any of us.

 

Seems like people really do believe that the actions of a wayward reflect upon those surrounding. That a person who is cheated on or cheated with is defective. Which is it? Is it both? Neither? I dunno.

 

I am trying very hard not to let my WH's affairs define me. To allow myself to believe I'm not worthy because of his choices. To let the ish I read here pull me into oblivion. If he thinks of his affairs fondly or with embarrassment does it make them go away? No. Does it change his decision to be with me? Does it change my decision not to decide? It changes nothing.

 

Brilliant post!

 

Very well said! So much of affairs seems to boil down to actually attributing some kind of special value to yourself or devaluing yourself based on beliefs about whether or not the WS loves you more, chooses you, "really cared" or what have you, when the truth is this person doesn't define your worth, they are another human being and one who is choosing to cheat versus being straightforward at that, so is clearly not operating optimally, so however they feel or don't feel about you should not be the end all be all of your existence.

Edited October 16, 2013 by MissBee

[twosadthings]

Autumn Moon,

 

I think that the whole purpose of this thread was only to provide reassurance for yourself about your affair partner. I went back over your first threads and they were all about "low contact" and "hot and cold", etc.

 

By getting feedback about not being forgotten your self esteem issues can be lessened however they lack validity.

 

It's getting harder and harder not to sympathize with you.

 

Twosadthings

[Got it]

I have found this thread very interesting. I guess I do think of past people when memories are triggered or topics brought up. I don't really have any romantic relationships that ended on bad terms so we have usually transitioned into a friendly relationship of some level so when discussing topics of the past they come to mind. But I don't daydream or wax nostalgic over them or anything.

 

I think like Journee's post, I have never thought my worth was defined by my presence in their lives so I really haven't thought much about whether they think of me. If I need them to think of me, then I tell myself they think of me. But what does it matter? I have learned you never get all your questions answered, there is just a level of acceptance that what is, is done, and move forward.

 

Again, I am thinking about my ex, I grew up with him so most of my memories are tied to him so yes I will discuss him. I am not actively thinking of him, reminiscing on anything romantic or anything, but we shared hobbies that were cool and and I liked, and we usually had a good time.

 

I don't know. I guess I focus on the Today, with nods to the past lest I forget my life lessons, always moving forward to the future.

 

I honestly hope no man from my past is pining for me. That would actually piss me off as I don't want a man that just daydreams and never acts. Take charge of your life and effect change. So I would pity and be annoyed if I found out any ex was doing that. I don't want a dreamer, I want a doer.

[TheOW]

Why shouldn't she write a post about this ?? Huh ?

 

You see it time and time again on the infidelity board where BS consistently claim that their WS only thinks negative thoughts of his A partner, how they were the biggest mistake of their lives bla bla we were soo bad we forced them to have sex with us and tell them all your little secrets . Plzzzz

 

Each situation IS different.

 

I find this refreshing and a little comfort to some OW (not I cos I couldn't give a crap what he thinks, his choice and his loss) but many MM who come on this board quite frankly say that they do think about their A partner that they DO pine for them and that of course they do not tell their BS this. But of course these men who state this point are chased from the forum never to return.

[hippetyhop]

TheOW-you are missing the point-you should not care if he thinks about you-you should not care if its positive or negative-(the general you) he did not chose you and has moved on-you give power over to someone that does not deserve it when you worry what they think-I know for me as a BS, the day I decided I did not care what the OW thought of me, my marriage or our reconciliation I gained a little more power and strength in my life- I guess for me since our OW continues to intrude I feel strongly about this, if she would just get over whats going on in our lives and stopped trying to be relevant we would all be better off- as a matter of fact, her husbands atty called, they are getting a divorce-they were trying to reconcile but he found a secret phone she was using to harass us-UGH, if she had just concentrated on her she would have been so much better off-

 

We shouldn't but we do since we care(d) about them. For some of us (especially those who ended it on a positive note) cannot void it out like it never happened.

[TheOW]

TheOW-you are missing the point-you should not care if he thinks about you-you should not care if its positive or negative-(the general you) he did not chose you and has moved on-you give power over to someone that does not deserve it when you worry what they think-I know for me as a BS, the day I decided I did not care what the OW thought of me, my marriage or our reconciliation I gained a little more power and strength in my life- I guess for me since our OW continues to intrude I feel strongly about this, if she would just get over whats going on in our lives and stopped trying to be relevant we would all be better off- as a matter of fact, her husbands atty called, they are getting a divorce-they were trying to reconcile but he found a secret phone she was using to harass us-UGH, if she had just concentrated on her she would have been so much better off-

 

I get what u are saying.

 

I did at one point care though what he thought about me, did he still have feelings, was all this pain worth something? I don't anymore but I did at the beginning of the end of us.

 

I get rather defensive when OW are put down by BS like they are rabbit dogs and they don't deserve to feel pain to some BS the only thing an OW should feel is guilt and remorse for the BS ... It's not all about the BS! (And before I am put down i am not referring to all BS on here but I'm sure everyone knows which ones I'm talking about)

[TheOW]

I just think it's naive of "some" BS to think that there is no lingering feelings for the OW. Of course this is completely different when there is aggressiveness,stalking or harassment from the OW then certainly most the only thoughts would be negative. Or if it had happened years ago and the marriage is back on track it would be like any other past relationship.

[velvette]

I just think it's naive of "some" BS to think that there is no lingering feelings for the OW. Of course this is completely different when there is aggressiveness,stalking or harassment from the OW then certainly most the only thoughts would be negative. Or if it had happened years ago and the marriage is back on track it would be like any other past relationship.

 

I think what some OW don't get is that many men once they have decided to be really honest with themself and their W see the whole A sitch they were in as toxic and dysfunctional. That includes the OW, who they see in a totally different light. So, no they are not pining for her, and her repeated contacts are seen as unwelcome/harassing.

 

As for the "naïve" wives with H pining for OW, maybe they don't know what hes thinking, but they probably know something is off because that is someone who is still half in/half out of the M and A.

[AutumnMoon]

Autumn Moon,

 

I think that the whole purpose of this thread was only to provide reassurance for yourself about your affair partner. I went back over your first threads and they were all about "low contact" and "hot and cold", etc.

 

By getting feedback about not being forgotten your self esteem issues can be lessened however they lack validity.

 

It's getting harder and harder not to sympathize with you.

 

Twosadthings

 

Oh especially in the beginning it worried me a lot what he was thinking. I'm not as worried about it anymore but I do still wonder. I've always been like that, even with friends and family.. I care what people think. Too much.

 

I've talked to him about it and I feel content where we are. I do not want daily contact.. Well Id love it but I couldn't function properly like that, I just want to know he care and I don't want to be ignored.. Which hasn't happened a lot but its happened and that's one thing I'm not ok with.

[ComingInHot]

Just a quick question here, is it "important" as an exOW that MM does in fact think of you, ever?

Or does it matter more the "what" he thinks when/if he thinks about you?

 

I was pondering this w/old b/fs and know the majority (if I even ever cross their minds) think of me w/good thoughts (not, hopefully, what would've, could've been), but admittedly, there are a couple that I would guess, look back w/"b*tch" or "sure did dodge a bullet" thoughts...

Honestly, I feel bad about that (don't dwell or anything) but know I could've been, I don't know, "nicer"?.?.

 

just curious*

[AutumnMoon]

The point of this thread though wasn't to reassure me he is thinking of me.. I have him for that and we were together all night and have talked this morning.. I know how he feels, I feel fine about it.

 

The point of the thread is because I read time and time again here and on infidelity that these MM (and some MW) are just users and abusers and are faking all their feelings and forget you once at home or after DDday. Not just betrayed spouses say this, OM and OW say it to after affairs end as a way to help get themselves over the hump and trying to move on too I think.

 

I was just responding to that.

 

Also when I stopped stressing so much and just accepted that if I'm thinking of him he's likely thinking of me.. Don't stress.. If he's or she really isn't thinking about you and doesn't care.. He or she is a POS run away and know that you are worthy and wonderful despite that....

 

For me personally.. I don't obsess over him when I just accept this for what it is.

[hippetyhop]

Just a quick question here, is it "important" as an exOW that MM does in fact think of you, ever?

Or does it matter more the "what" he thinks when/if he thinks about you?

 

I was pondering this w/old b/fs and know the majority (if I even ever cross their minds) think of me w/good thoughts (not, hopefully, what would've, could've been), but admittedly, there are a couple that I would guess, look back w/"b*tch" or "sure did dodge a bullet" thoughts...

Honestly, I feel bad about that (don't dwell or anything) but know I could've been, I don't know, "nicer"?.?.

 

just curious*

 

For me personally, I think its a mixture of both. I hope he thinks of me as someone who treated him well, made him laugh, trustworthy, and someone he can always count and rely on. (at the same time, isn't that what the W thought she was doing?)

 

As for when he thinks about me-- I hope he realizes one day whether he and BS D or not, he knows there is someone out there who loves him and would give him the world. I know they have their issues, and I hope they work those out. However, I also know he's a cake eater though--big time (doing the family thing w me on the side), which at the same time parts of me wishes nothing but unconditional breaking hearts for him.

[AutumnMoon]

Just a quick question here, is it "important" as an exOW that MM does in fact think of you, ever?

Or does it matter more the "what" he thinks when/if he thinks about you?

 

I was pondering this w/old b/fs and know the majority (if I even ever cross their minds) think of me w/good thoughts (not, hopefully, what would've, could've been), but admittedly, there are a couple that I would guess, look back w/"b*tch" or "sure did dodge a bullet" thoughts...

Honestly, I feel bad about that (don't dwell or anything) but know I could've been, I don't know, "nicer"?.?.

 

just curious*

 

Mines not an ex, it's active, and I think about it and it matters to me.

 

I may feel differently when it's over.

 

I've just noticed that even people that were 'happy' in their affair, or didnt feel bad about it at the time at least.. will convince themselves, or let others here convince them, the MM or MW was just using them and didn't really care after it ends in order to help themselves move on.. Nobody else has noticed that?

 

I don't know. I'm not saying they are all saints, many are for sure users and you are better off without them, but that doesn't mean they never cared for real and it doesn't mean they forget about you as soon as its over or as soon as they are not with you.

[Got it]

Okay, yes, if we had stayed broken up, regardless of my marital status I would have thought of him for quite awhile. I can't say forever as that isn't my normal mode of conduct but there would have been many strings left untied and I would have tried to work through the "whys" during my grieving process.

 

At the point of acceptance, it would have been "it is what it is" and tossed it to the winds.

 

At no point did I or my MM fake or lie about our feelings or thoughts. So after dday, when we were broken up, etc. none of that came out. When we were broken up, he says that is what really solidified for him how much he loved me and couldn't lose me.

[hippetyhop]

Okay, yes, if we had stayed broken up, regardless of my marital status I would have thought of him for quite awhile. I can't say forever as that isn't my normal mode of conduct but there would have been many strings left untied and I would have tried to work through the "whys" during my grieving process.

 

At the point of acceptance, it would have been "it is what it is" and tossed it to the winds.

 

At no point did I or my MM fake or lie about our feelings or thoughts. So after dday, when we were broken up, etc. none of that came out. When we were broken up, he says that is what really solidified for him how much he loved me and couldn't lose me.

 

You sound like me--I have a feeling this one will be a thorn in my side for awhile only b/c of how I fell for him.

 

Sorry to t/j, but how are the two of you doing and how long were you NC before he contacted you again?

[Got it]

We were very limited contact for a few months. I was moving forward (as hard as it was) and was even dating (some funny stories from that) but refused to give him much more than a random call until he executed.

 

After dday there was no more fence straddling with me in the picture. I understood his issues, feelings, fears but there was no reason to keep things going once everything was out. I wasn't interested in actively deceiving his wife. I couldn't force him mentally or emotionally what to do but I was taking myself out of the equation.

 

I wanted a man who would walk the talk, not just talk it. I was married to a talker, a dreamer, a passenger. I wasn't going to do it again. So while it hurt like hell I gave him a year and that was enough for me. I knew that was amble time to execute. And I understood that he may decide to stay, that leaving the kids would have been too much, or there was a spark there with his wife. I said if there is a minuscule level of interest/love/appeal/etc. for his wife then he needs to invest there at 100%. Their story is a little different as she had had an affair that he didn't found out about until about a year before we started. So there easily could have been something still there for them to work through/towards.

 

But I wasn't going to be the bandaid on this, that was something I decided at the beginning. So I agreed to a year but no more and I was very sure about that regardless of how much it crushed my heart.

 

How are we now? Very good. Life is crazy, a lot happening this year. This hasn't been an easy process and a lot of damage done by the affair that we are still trying to make amends/repair. I recognize that this is a process that may take decades if ever. That we are sorry for the pain we caused others for us. This is the juxtaposition of how our love/relationship has caused others so much pain.

[AlwaysGrowing]

The point of this thread though wasn't to reassure me he is thinking of me.. I have him for that and we were together all night and have talked this morning.. I know how he feels, I feel fine about it.

 

The point of the thread is because I read time and time again here and on infidelity that these MM (and some MW) are just users and abusers and are faking all their feelings and forget you once at home or after DDday. Not just betrayed spouses say this, OM and OW say it to after affairs end as a way to help get themselves over the hump and trying to move on too I think.

 

I was just responding to that.

 

Also when I stopped stressing so much and just accepted that if I'm thinking of him he's likely thinking of me.. Don't stress.. If he's or she really isn't thinking about you and doesn't care.. He or she is a POS run away and know that you are worthy and wonderful despite that....

 

For me personally.. I don't obsess over him when I just accept this for what it is.

 

 

Why does it bother you, that for many other people involved in affairs, from all angles, say a truth that is true for those individuals.

 

Why is your truth the only truth you will accept.

 

Why do you have a hard time with others have a different view/experience/thought process?

 

You did start with a very polarizing premise. That ALL affairs are like this, even a ONS, (where many would not even recall a face or a name). Dday, no Dday, length of affair, who ended it. Didn't matter....everyone else was supposed to have the exact same feelings as you.

 

I have learned in my life, that yes...feeling may be real...however they aren't necessarily based on truth, nor are they static.

 

When we have more information, our feelings change.

[yellowmaverick]

When we have more information, our feelings change.

 

So true. This happened to my WH with respect to his OW and to me with respect to my WH.

• 
  

[Quiet Storm]

Mines not an ex, it's active, and I think about it and it matters to me.

 

I may feel differently when it's over.

 

I've just noticed that even people that were 'happy' in their affair, or didnt feel bad about it at the time at least.. will convince themselves, or let others here convince them, the MM or MW was just using them and didn't really care after it ends in order to help themselves move on.. Nobody else has noticed that?

 

 

That's often true, but you are assuming that their motivation is "to help themselves move on". To me, its more like an evolution.

 

As I have said before, if it is perceived like an addiction, the affair is viewed in a different light once time has passed. An addict really loves his heroin, but after he sees the damage it has done to his life, he sees it in a different light. It's goodness was colored by consequences. Yes, it made him feel good. But it was toxic to him.

 

It is AKA "the fog". When someone is in the fog, they are often living moment to moment. They act on their feelings & emotions. At that point in time, they feel that affair benefits them. When someone comes out of the fog, they look back on the affair in a more logical & unemotional way. The consequences often cause WS to see the affair as a liability (instead of a benefit).

 

In the fog, the affair has a positive impact on the person's life. Out of the fog, the affair is seen as having a negative impact.

 

I don't think this negates the feelings felt in the affair, though. The original feelings were valid & real, even if later they decide that loving that person was misguided or not good for them. People evolve, change, mature & grow all the time.

 

Haven't you ever looked back on a situation & felt differently than when you were in it? Time & space can change a person's perspective. It doesn't mean that they are fooling themselves or trying to trick themselves into not caring. Our life experiences, our choices, the ramifications of those choices shape us. We evolve & change as we mature.

Edited October 16, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[threelaurels]

I think it's easy to say in the moment that there are certain people we will never forget, but the reality is that time makes us forget many things, past lovers included.

 

I used to think I would remember the moment I lost my virginity forever, and that the person who took it would always have a place in my heart. Now, I barely even remember how old I was, and I can't for the life of me remember his last name.

 

Time makes people and things that once meant the world to us matter less and less to us after they leave our lives.

[unicorn farts]

Sad and true.

[Got it]

I think it's easy to say in the moment that there are certain people we will never forget, but the reality is that time makes us forget many things, past lovers included.

 

I used to think I would remember the moment I lost my virginity forever, and that the person who took it would always have a place in my heart. Now, I barely even remember how old I was, and I can't for the life of me remember his last name.

 

Time makes people and things that once meant the world to us matter less and less to us after they leave our lives.

 

Really!?! Okay granted my sexual history is very limited so the name recognition is easy but I still remember the events of the day, what was on the radio, his room and what I was feeling during the moments. I stink at dates so couldn't tell you for the life of me when it was outside of summer but yeah it's still a pretty vivid memory.