ladydesigner Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Ladydesigner, Every situation is different as is every person. People often tend to direct comments made by others to themselves. I believe there is a band of people on these boards who stand together as a "BS United Front" who join together in making degrading comments about OPs. Yes, there are OPs who make degrading comments about BS. It works both ways. It is clear it is the anger talking. I, for one, only stand for myself. I can relate to both sides. Yes, your anger is warranted but the message boards are a place where we are to be civil and try to help each other. Every situation is different. At times, the WS is a snake, the OP is a slut, the BS is a heartless bit$&. Or the WS is a victim, the AP is loving, the BS a saint, etc. I don't direct every negative comments about OPs towards myself. I know myself and my situation. I'd be in trouble if I internalized the negativity thrown at the OPs for sheer folly or revenge. By the way, the comment was a general comment, not directed to you. I guess I just misunderstood then I read defense mechanism and anger and just thought it was part of the grieving process.
HtotheN Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I referred to the the married coworker as "muffin top" to my husband after seeing a very unflattering pic of her in a dress that could have only come from a store with "mart" at the end of it. (Just wanted to clarify that I didn't call her anything to her face.) 1
happy stillmore Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 It is interesting. We are both in the anger stage of the grieving process. There are some who may not understand both sides grieve. One side may not believe the other side has a right to grieve. It depends on each individual situation. 2
HtotheN Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 It is interesting. We are both in the anger stage of the grieving process. There are some who may not understand both sides grieve. One side may not believe the other side has a right to grieve. It depends on each individual situation. I definitely understand that everyone involved has a right and need to grieve. I visit the OW/OM section in order to try to understand the other side of the coin.
hippetyhop Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I haven't read the whole thread but to answer the OP's question from my end, no I no longer think of my xAP. I hope to god he doesn't think of me either. That is a time in my life that I would shelf as quite disturbing, so you can imagine how that memory looks to me now. Some things while in the moment and even possibly a few years later that were thought of as loving and special eventually dwindle to mean absolutely nothing many years from now. I would never want to pine for someone for the rest of my life. How am I supposed to look at my A fondly? Okay let's see I let someone use me when I was vulnerable and I blew my WH's and kids world up...nice. My WH doesn't think of MOW fondly either. It's as if he wants to run and hide anytime someone says her name. In fact if I say her name he says he doesn't ever want to hear her name brought up in 'our house' again. He is really ashamed. Maybe some still think of the A fondly, this little cat doesn't. Reading through your posts and whatnot, when was it that your xAP was just a faded memory? What was the turning point?
ladydesigner Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Reading through your posts and whatnot, when was it that your xAP was just a faded memory? What was the turning point? My turning point was 2 years after the A ended about 1 year after I went NC with him. We had EA for 1 year after the PA ended.
ladydesigner Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 It is interesting. We are both in the anger stage of the grieving process. There are some who may not understand both sides grieve. One side may not believe the other side has a right to grieve. It depends on each individual situation. Oh yes both sides grieve. I think the pain is just as deep for both sides too.
RickFox Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I read this thread with great interest and then it hit me once more, and we know I spent way too long thinking of xmw, but really, honestly, it no longer matters whether she thinks of me be it fondly or with disgust. It gets me absolutely nowhere. Besides, if I cross her mind, good for her, yay, golf clap, thunderous applause.... I won't ever know it so it does me no good, and even if I somehow came into that knowledge, does me no good. I've never forgotten anyone that meant something to me, and they cross my mind every now and then, but that's it, it's a fleeting moment. I'm sure I'll reach that point with xmw too, especially once our kids are out of 5th grade next year. 4
hippetyhop Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 My turning point was 2 years after the A ended about 1 year after I went NC with him. We had EA for 1 year after the PA ended. Did he try to contact you at all during NC? Our A started emotional, then turned physical with him wanting to keep it emotional. I don't know how some of you keep the emotional after the physical going, that must have been hard.
MissBee Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 OW and OM's... Your AP is thinking of you whether they ended the affair or whether you did. Whether there was a Dday it not.. Yes, unless it was a one night stand (and even if it was I'm sure he or she still thinks of you.) .. They are thinking of you ... Be it positive or negative, I don't know anyone that just forgets about someone they have been involved with on any kind of emotional or sexual level.... There are a lot of people here who have been hurt by their spouses cheating and I'm sure they would like us to think their husbands or wives just used you and forgot you.. But they have not. Okay? I guess I don't see the point of this line of thinking. Unless one has amnesia and has had their memory erased, of course they can't just forget about the affair/AP, HOW they are thinking about them though is what matters and whether or not it will merely be a thought that the OW/OM can never confirm. All thoughts aren't good or even significant. My mind runs across my exes from time to time, some thoughts are fond, some aren't, but I don't want them anymore and will never reach out and my thoughts about them make no difference as only I know I thought them....so I suppose I don't readily see the utility in this. I suppose it brings comfort that somewhere it is 5:52pm and some ex of mine is thinking about me... 5
sweet_pea Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Some do think about their xAP, some don't. There are those who think fondly on them, there are those who do not. You really can't make generalizations when it comes to this specific topic, as it's a case by case thing (as shown here with a few WS' chiming in with their own experiences) 1
happy stillmore Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 (edited) Again, each situation is different. Anyone who has been wronged and lied to is entitled to grieve. For example, the marriage may have been portrayed as over, the AP future fakes and then stays with his BS. To get back to the original post, I think the basis of the question is whether the MM/MW thinks of AP after the affair ends. I believe the AP questions everything after the A ends, just as the BS does after discovering the A. Both question whether they were ever loved, whether this person was ever truthful, etc. I think the conversation turned angry when the A was described as disgusting, mistakes, etc. It is hurtful to both sides to hear those words. It hurts the BS when they hear how the WS portrayed their marriage as poor. I'm angry that the WS was not honest with everyone in the first place. To answer the question, I believe it depends on the situation. I know my AP thinks of me. Some affairs are real relationships that live long in memories. The only way to get a true answer is to ask the WS. Then again, he may not want to answer truthfully if asked by his BS in fear of hurting him/her further. It may be a secret kept inside because there is too much to lose to admit it. Or the WS may be generally relieved to be free of the stress and guilt of the A. Only the WS truly knows. Edited October 15, 2013 by happy stillmore
Quiet Storm Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I think a d-day can affect how he looks back on the affair. Some people underestimate the WS reaction to the BS's pain at d-day. If the children are aware of the affair, WS also witnesses their confusion & broken hearts. It's bad. A WS will often say, after the affair & d-day, that they didn't realize how much BS still loved them until they saw that pain. Some couples begin to take each other for granted, and both often feel neglected. Each couple has their own circumstances. A d-day is a shock to their dynamic. BS is heartbroken, crying, angry, inconsolable. Kids may be scared, confused & angry. A bomb has been dropped on the family. All at once WS really feels what he is risking, and sees the damage. I remember once a WS said, about looking back fondly on the affair "It's like being at a great party. Everyone is having fun and a good time. I drink, I laugh, I get caught up. I get in the car to head home & end up hitting someone & killing them. The fun I had at the party becomes overshadowed by the end result, the pain I caused. I can't think of the affair without remembering the look on her face." 3
thecharade Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 The thinking, analyzing, wondering . . . all so normal for everyone involved! But just know that everyone is in pain and thinking about things. There's missing. And longing. And hurting. But there's also shame. And guilt. And self-recrimination. Ending an A is messy. My exMM thinks I don't miss him because I'm remaining "over." He has turned it into a pity party for himself, but I'm just in protection/realistic mode. I have hurt like crazy! But does he realize it? Nope.
canuckprincess Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Not true. To make such a blanket statement is wrong and over-romanticising. I hate to disappoint you OP but WS can and do move on and forget the AP. You are right just like they forget the wife when they're banging the ap.
happy stillmore Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 It makes my heart sink to think of the pain the BS endures. A BS who loves her spouse. Why can't everyone (me included) be honest with themselves and others. out of respect for his/her spouse, the WS should end the marriage if not able to love 100%. No looking for action on the side. No trying to get emotional and/or physical needs met outside of marriage. Of course, we know to divorce is easier said and done. There are children and finances involved. (and lack of courage on WS' part). I hated myself knowing I was involved in someone else's pain. It wasn't me at all. 2
happy stillmore Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Experiencethedevine, "clinging vine", I find it interesting because xMM described his wife as hovering over him. even bought a loveseat so she can sit next ti him at all times so he wouldn't text me. Not a healthy relationship in my opinion. When I saw how he didn't fight against it, I knew he didn't have the courage to ever leave the marriage.
hippetyhop Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Experiencethedevine, "clinging vine", I find it interesting because xMM described his wife as hovering over him. even bought a loveseat so she can sit next ti him at all times so he wouldn't text me. Not a healthy relationship in my opinion. When I saw how he didn't fight against it, I knew he didn't have the courage to ever leave the marriage. My xMM described his W as someone who didn't care what he did--until his past came back to haunt him.
Speakingofwhich Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Bull. Do you "think" about your second boyfriend in middle/high school? Does he cross your mind often enough to matter? Is he in any way relevent to your life today? Not rocket science here, folks. LOL! After I married thoughts of my second bf from high school began to creep into my mind whenever I felt neglected by my H. And the relationship with high school bf was quite limited physically and emotionally. This was a bad coping mechanism but I didn't know it at the time. Anyway, after I divorced I contacted ex high school bf who was also single, we met in a city halfway between where we each lived and had dinner. Sadly, there was no spark for me although I had romanticized him all those years. I was surprised that I had no attraction to him due to the thought life I had built around the memory of our high school R. And my exMM and I reconnected after a very long time of being apart and he shared that he'd thought about me "all those years" and wondered if I was thinking of him at the same time. However, I doubt my exH thinks of me much at all though we lived in the same house together for almost twenty years. He's just not the type to think about past Rs much. Is it possible there are variables that determine the degree of memory and romanticizing an AP attaches to a past A? I wonder if these things may affect a person's memory of an A: 1. Temperament of the individuals involved. Different temperaments deal in different ways with events and memories. This could explain just one reason why posters are expressing differing views on the subject. 2. Memories of events with emotion attached to them linger longer than memories of things without emotion attached to them. This explains why you can't remember what you had for lunch last Wednesday but you can remember details of something as simple as the moment your child handed you a freshly picked wild flower on a walk through a field one sunny day ten years ago. Or maybe even just the look on his/her face as they looked up at you as you were holding their hand walking in that field. So, the degree of emotion in one's A could also affect whether/how a person remembers an AP. 3. Some who've had an A have moved into a satisfying R or very satisfying R with another person, quite possibly BS. So, yes, if you and WH or WW have really worked on your M and things have gone very well for you, it would seem a past A would be more easily relegated to a dark corner of your mind and rarely thought of. However, that state of things, too, probably depends somewhat on variables. 1
happy stillmore Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 hippityHop, Weren't we the fools? it is what it is. this sounds like such a stupid question but why couldn't everyone be grownups and be real with themselves. If the love isn't there, end the marriage. Quite simple but we know it isn't in actuality. It is hard if both spouses don't have the courage to gave things head on.
wanting more Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I don't think this thread is a great read for an OW/OM whose A just ended. When mine did, all I wanted was to know if he was thinking about me. To know I crossed his mind. To know he'd never forget me. I needed someone to tell me that. No one ever did. And it was the best thing I never read. Does xMM cross my mind from time to time. Yes. But those times are few and far between. And it's with disgust he enters my mind now. Are there people that touched my life in one way or the other years ago that still cross my mind, yes. But there's also some that until I read your post I hadn't thought about in years. And it was in a good way the has come into my life, not bad. If xMM comes in mind, it's normally because someone mentions his name, we still work in the same industry so it happens every now and then. I don't remember just sitting around and he popped in my head. I've made a conscience effort to rid him and the memories of us out of my mind. I don't want to remember him. I don't want to think of him. I certainly hope he doesn't think of me Our A ended very very ugly. And it was dragged out over months with his BS and mine. He made his choice and forced me to make mine. Which has worked out for me. To say that all AP think of their OW/OM is to broad a statement. It doesn't apply to everyone. And a person trying to deal with the end of the A shouldn't read that all APs think of them. When the A ends, and MM stays with his BW, it does no one any good to think you still cross their mind. You can never move on if you think about them or the times in the A. It prolongs the hurt. The questions. The what ifs. There's comes a point in time, it won't matter. It won't have any effect on you. It'll be a moment in your host. You move on if you let yourself. 3
Speakingofwhich Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 But I digress. This is just but one reason any spouse should dump their WS and let the OM/OW have the cheater ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This. And if a spouse feels they need to cheat. Well, D and go for the person you're being tempted to cheat with!
happy stillmore Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Hate to thread jack but: The thought came to my mind. He was definitely playing both sides. It was easier for him at home with his wife and the grown girls watching his every move. Everyone was angry with him at that point and blamed him for their problems. he is from out of town and had noone here to depend on but his wife and girls. He was afraid to lose everything he had ever known. I'm done with my thread jack. Sorry.
hippetyhop Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 hippityHop, Weren't we the fools? it is what it is. this sounds like such a stupid question but why couldn't everyone be grownups and be real with themselves. If the love isn't there, end the marriage. Quite simple but we know it isn't in actuality. It is hard if both spouses don't have the courage to gave things head on. No, we were not the fulls. We live and learn. We were smart enough to get out while we can. Its easier said than done especially with kids. I knew my xMM's financial situation. I knew how much they made a year, how much for mortgage, 3 daycares, etc. I know where he is coming from. At the end though--if he wanted to leave, arrangements could have been made to do so. However, he doesn't want to be. He just strung me around like a puppet.
goodyblue Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I am divorced and in a relationship with my FMM (I was divorced long before I met FMM). I don't ever think about my ex husband. I mean seriously, almost never, and we have kids even. He is just not part of my reality. My FMM has not been divorced for very long, I asked him this question and he said he rarely thinks about her, only if something specific brings her up, like an issue with their child. He said "I'm too busy living my life and being happy with you, I don't care about her". I would suspect it is this way for most. Even if they think of OW once in a while, rarely do they pine for the OW. If they did, they'd do something about it. I can't be sure, but this has been my experience. I'm sure it's different for everyone, though.
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