Of course he/she thinks about you!

[anne1707]

I was more referring to originally the first months after an affair ended.. I wrote it after reading on another thread and that was my thought process at at the time.

 

I'm in my late 20's so I'm basing my thoughts on relationships in the last ten years or so.

 

An affair is an intense type of relationship in my opinion... I think that makes some difference too.

 

Which is not the way I interpreted the post when I posted hence my disagreement

[AutumnMoon]

Sure...there are some that will look back on it fondly. Regret that they didn't end their marriage for the AP.

 

It happens.

 

There are examples of both sides of that equation.

 

But why dwell on that as the AP if the A is ended? Does it truly do anything to help you move on?

 

I'm dating DON'T dwell on it.

 

When I was worried he wasn't thinking of me is when I was obsessing over it. I let that go and I don't dwell on it at all now.

[hippetyhop]

I was more referring to originally the first months after an affair ended.. I wrote it after reading on another thread and that was my thought process at at the time.

 

I'm in my late 20's so I'm basing my thoughts on relationships in the last ten years or so.

 

An affair is an intense type of relationship in my opinion... I think that makes some difference too.

 

My affair is active.. But we have down times and I used to stress if he was thinking of me. I don't now because I just accepted.. He is.. And I can only make an impression if its positive or negative with my actions, it's still up to him how he thinks of me or when.

 

I'm still in my first months after it really ended. I still miss him dearly. This to will pass.

 

I'm not sure if I posted it on this thread or another, but a friend of mine was in an A (more common than I thought) for 18 months and he contacted her after 8 months of NC (her choice) as he couldn't handle not being her friend. Their amicable for the time being, but who knows.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I can guarantee you that I DO.NOT.THINK.OF.MY.EX.

 

Do I know that I was once married to him. Yes. However, I can barely recall what he looks like. I have no regrets in divorcing him. So I did this thing called MOVED ON. People that I let go, I let go. They don't even register with me. They are of no consequence to my present, so do not exist in my future. I am much too busy with living my life, with those here...WITH me...to waste anytime on people that I have so little opinion of anyways.

 

I have met people that live in the past, grabbing onto insignificant things..like they are precious, and spin Disney Tales of endearing love. However, not one of those former relationships are intact, in any way, shape or form. They exist only in their minds. They are stuck, and choose to be stuck. Quite frankly, they are boring as well. Every conversation is like American Pie.."this one time...at band camp."

 

One would have to be narrow-minded to believe that their experience is the mold for everyone else. And that the only real truth is theirs.

 

And to self -soothe by telling yourself that everyone that ever had any connection...how was that worded again "Unless it was a very very superficial connection and even then," (yeah that one) at all with you....spends the rest of their life thinking about you...is well...a person with a swelled ego.

 

The truth is....people don't think that much about other people..they are busy living their life...or at least those of us who value our time.

[Got it]

I see things in spectrums so on one side, yes you will have a MP who will think of their ex AP often, some sometimes, some rarely and some never. Different strokes for different folks so it is really going to vary based on the details of each situation and the emotional and mental make up of said party.

[peaksandvalleys]

This is almost sad... Do Betrayed spouses really believe the OM or OW are forgotten about??

 

I never said they are remembered only in positive ways, only that they are remembered and thought about and I can't believe anyone would disagree.

 

 

I am banking on him not forgetting her or the other way around. I am going to help them both remember along with everyone else around them. I want them to remember forever the day that they made the choice that got blew everyone's life apart.

[Owl]

I'm dating DON'T dwell on it.

 

When I was worried he wasn't thinking of me is when I was obsessing over it. I let that go and I don't dwell on it at all now.

 

And this is precisely and exactly what he should have done as well...and most likely did.

 

Sure...my wife missed OM in the first days/weeks/months. I'm sure she occasionally 'thought fondly' about him even over the next year after d-day.

 

But I can say that I'm positive he doesn't spring to her mind much at all now. And in the few conversations we'd had on the subject in the first couple of years following her affair, I could tell she came to deeply regret the entire incident, and that he became someone she did not want to dwell on.

 

I honestly doubt most BS's believe that thoughts of the OW/OM disappear overnight...I most certainly had no such foolish illusions. But at the same time, I knew that he wouldn't remain relevant to her life and would end up as barely a memory if she chose to rebuild our marriage.

 

But the whole start of this thread was around the idea that the OW/OM would be remembered/thought of. Short term, sure. Long term, not so much.

[hollyhillcourt]

I am banking on him not forgetting her or the other way around. I am going to help them both remember along with everyone else around them. I want them to remember forever the day that they made the choice that got blew everyone's life apart.

 

Good luck PNV - truly mean that - been following your thread on the Infidelity board.

[CrystalCastles]

I don't think it matters if MM/MW thinks about the OW/OM or not. Affairs usually don't end the way the OW/OM want them to- with the OW/OM with their MM/MW- so if the MM/MW becomes an xMM/MW, it won't change the situation whether they think about you or not. The xMM/MW can think whatever they want but it's only the actions that matter. If they're not with you, then what does it matter if they think about you or not? MM/MW still doesn't leave their M in the end.

[rae_lana]

I don't think it matters if MM/MW thinks about the OW/OM or not. Affairs usually don't end the way the OW/OM want them to- with the OW/OM with their MM/MW- so if the MM/MW becomes an xMM/MW, it won't change the situation whether they think about you or not. The xMM/MW can think whatever they want but it's only the actions that matter. If they're not with you, then what does it matter if they think about you or not? MM/MW still doesn't leave their M in the end.

 

I think it matters. Whether the marriage ends or not, I wouldn't want to be forgotten about but maybe that's my own insecurity.

 

Our marriages ended because neither of us could stop thinking of each other.

[TheOW]

Sorry to say this but it seems more likely an OW/OM is the one still thinking and remembering their MM/MW rather than it being the other way around. How many OW on here have posted about their exMM's and how often they think and miss him? Even years after the A is over.

 

Those who are patching up their marriages are busy and reconnecting with their spouses, so giving an exOW/exOM head space thoughts may happen at first but over time, it gets less and less.

 

 

Really ?? Ha ha

 

And how many bs are still on here going on about their ws spouse and how spiteful/ugly/nasty etc etc years after it ? Not just ow who are dwelling on it and you will probably find that most ow forget after a time while the bs is still on here going on about it.

 

I'm not trying to be horrible but it works both ways !

[shell4]

 

I am curious as to why this post by the OP is attracting such vitriol from some BSs? Is it hurtful to realize that your WS is still thinking of their AP? Probably fondly? I wonder why APs don't seem to be nearly as threatened by the fact that the WS has fond thoughts of their spouse? That's an interesting difference here.

 

Maybe because BS can't confiscate the heart and mind of the WS, much like they do with the WS's phone or email account... These are the things that BS CANNOT control - how the WS TRULY fees or what they TRULY think - so understandably, the thought that WS thinks fondly or still have feelings for the AP is extremely threatening.

[anne1707]

Seeing as I my posts are being misinterpreted by some here.....

 

I have clarified already that its not that I have forgotten but that I just don't think about the exOM. Ofcourse I can remember stuff if I want to but I don't do that. The reason for that is nothing at all to do with trying to appease my husband. It is just purely because I have moved on and the exOM is just no longer important to me or is part of my life.

[Quiet Storm]

I think if OW assumes that MM still thinks of her in same way, even if negative, it means that she is relevant.

 

While the A is happening, some OW have to adjust their expectations. Most don't expect the same things from a MM as they would a single guy. They are more understanding when plans change. They accept his limited time frames. They trade less face time for more talk/text time. They may have to deal with MM going on vacation with his wife. They can't go to family functions with MM, etc.

 

I've noticed that many OW adjust their expectations, and sometimes, it's so that they won't be let down. I think it's their own way of protecting themselves from disappointment. Due to the circumstances, MM can make minimal effort, such as sending an "I love you" text, and OW will still feel attended to, and satisfied. She still feels special, even though she cannot be part of MM's full life. We call it "crumbs".

 

OW sacrifice a lot being with a MM. They have to be a secret, can't be open with friends & family, can't be together on Christmas, etc. They love MM & make those sacrifices with the hope that it will pay off in the end. They tolerate MM circumstances because they assume the affair is a stepping stone to MM leaving his marriage & being with her.

 

When it doesn't work out, it can leave them with a feeling of "I went through all that for nothing!".

 

So it's understandable to me why the OW would still want to be relevant years later. They need the validation that their love meant something. Knowing MM thinks of them (even negatively), or that BW hates her, provides validation. It gives OW the satisfaction of knowing that her relationship with MM mattered, that she wasn't just fun in the affair bubble. She was important.

 

The truth is that there is a HUGE variance as to what people will remember, depending on many factors. I think women are more likely to remember emotions & how they felt during that time. Men are more likely to remember in a logical & factual way. Our childhood can have an enormous effect on our memories. If we had a rough childhood, we can detach much easier because our brain is almost "trained" to forget negative things. Busy & happy people don't focus on past memories as much. Bored & depressed people ruminate over the past much more. I don't agree that most people think of past relationships or lovers, except in a fleeting way. I think most people genuinely move on, and may think of a past lover if triggered by a reminder or photo, but I think it would be rare that the memories would just pop in their head. I would guess that some MM keep visuals of OW's body in their "spank bank".

 

I think the best thing for OW is to make sure that you know how to validate yourself. Know your worth. When you do know your own worth, it won't matter so much if MM is thinking of you. You won't care and will see him as not being worth your thoughts, anyway. You won't waste brain space thinking about it, you will be moving on to a brighter future. Know that you matter, you are important, you are special, and what MM thinks about or what effect you had on their marriage is redundant to you.

[ladydesigner]

I haven't read the whole thread but to answer the OP's question from my end, no I no longer think of my xAP. I hope to god he doesn't think of me either. That is a time in my life that I would shelf as quite disturbing, so you can imagine how that memory looks to me now.

 

Some things while in the moment and even possibly a few years later that were thought of as loving and special eventually dwindle to mean absolutely nothing many years from now. I would never want to pine for someone for the rest of my life.

 

How am I supposed to look at my A fondly? Okay let's see I let someone use me when I was vulnerable and I blew my WH's and kids world up...nice.

 

My WH doesn't think of MOW fondly either. It's as if he wants to run and hide anytime someone says her name. In fact if I say her name he says he doesn't ever want to hear her name brought up in 'our house' again. He is really ashamed.

 

Maybe some still think of the A fondly, this little cat doesn't.

[velvette]

It sounds like he is "forgetting" to save your feelings. Acting as if he can't remember something as important as marriage (and, you all agree that marriage is the ULTIMATE importance, right?) is hilariously dishonest. You believe that? Really? That he truly doesn't remember being married to her? Wow.

 

Which feelings would those be?

 

Of course he remembers that he was married, he just doesn't really remember what went on in the M without digging deep into his memory banks. It was over 20 years ago. He's done with it long ago. With the kids grown we rarely see her except at major events involving them.

 

He remembered more easily in the early years of his M and we have talked about their M. I guess we are just different people. I have no need nor does he(nor have we ever) to dissect and demonize her or talk endlessly about her.

 

We have a civil R with her and her H and interact only as it pertains to the kids. Everyone has moved on long ago. In fact and mentally/emotionally.

 

That's what most people do when they end R. Some people have better memories or are more nostalgic than others.

[HtotheN]

I am sure that if it was a LTR that it would be natural for memories to sometimes creep up. Instant amnesia seems a ridiculous concept.

 

But...what's it matter if the MM/MW is still with the spouse? Just as during the A when the MM will say that he was thinking of you even though he was on vacation with the BW, or similar things, bottom line is he was with HER.

[TheOW]

It's irrelevant if he thinks about me or not I know he does as I was the second woman who he had a physical relationship with the first being his wife (they married young) and at his age I highly doubt he forgets about the sex we had, not dissing the wife but their sex life was rather bland (and this comes from her as well so it is true) I'm also ashamed to admit that it disturbs her and I'd imagine he will forget about it before she does.

 

End of story he stayed with her and if I'm honest I doubt it would have worked out between us anyway the age difference would have eventually come to a head.

 

I wish these boards would stop competing against each other we all f*cked up one way or another, now we either move on from it it let it darken our doorstep for the rest of our lives and I for one won't let the past disrupt my future.

[waterwoman]

I can still remember by EA partner from 20 years ago. Just. I'd have to go back a long long way to think of a time when I thought of him with anything but a vague embarrasment and a wry laugh. For that matter I remember my very best friend from primary school but I can't say I give her much thought. People move on - that is normal. Those who are fully present in our lives on a daily basis are the people that fill our thoughts most of the time. Does H think of his OW? course he does, I wouldn't expect him to forget her, probably ever, but who cares? He's here with me and we are doing OK.

[happy stillmore]

I don't think it matters if MM/MW thinks about the OW/OM or not. Affairs usually don't end the way the OW/OM want them to- with the OW/OM with their MM/MW- so if the MM/MW becomes an xMM/MW, it won't change the situation whether they think about you or not. The xMM/MW can think whatever they want but it's only the actions that matter. If they're not with you, then what does it matter if they think about you or not? MM/:eek:MW still doesn't leave their M in the end.

 

 

of course, each situation is different but if a MM/MW is STILL thinking if the AP after the A, it makes a huge difference. The MM/MW is still there physically in the marriage but is emotionally unfaithful. The BS wants to believe the spouse is reconciling. His actions may support that but he/she may be longing for the AP. It is too painful for the BS to think about. So the BS often uses defense mechanisms to deal with this anger. The BS will use words of disgust when referring to the A. It is a passive-aggressive means to take revenge through these message boards. Everyone needs to remember each situation is different. I know my xMM thinks of me. I know the reasons to why he stayed in the marriage (financial and mental health of his wife). I actually feel sorry for her because he may not be giving 100% to the marriage. Knowing him, he is likely depressed. But, they both don't have the guts to end the marriage. I agree actions speak louder than words. He is there physically in the marriage and that is enough for me to move on. I know in my heart he loved me and it was not a relationship to be forgotten.

[HtotheN]

So the BS often uses defense mechanisms to deal with this anger. The BS will use words of disgust when referring to the A.

It is a passive-aggressive means to take revenge through these message boards.

 

Yes; I called the married coworker "muffin top." LOL That sounds silly now but at the time...

 

I think that most betrayed spouses AND other women/men use defense mechanisms to deal with anger. Whether it is anger from being cheated on, etc. or anger from the OM/MM not leaving the marriage, etc.

[ladydesigner]

So the BS often uses defense mechanisms to deal with this anger. The BS will use words of disgust when referring to the A. It is a passive-aggressive means to take revenge through these message boards.

 

Well when I use words of disgust it is usually because I feel disgusted about something, it doesn't come flying outta nowhere. There is one thing I haven't done and that is name call the MOW. She name called me on more than a dozen occasions. MOW couldn't insult me enough.

 

I have to tell you, the trauma I have experienced as the BS has far surpassed any other trauma I have felt in my life. Anger is a part of the grieving process. I see OW's get mad just like the BS does because MM threw her under the bus.

[Daisy2013]

I believe if they were in love they won't forget, irregardless of how it ended. I've fallen in love 2x and occasionally think about each of them. With time, the intensity passes and I don't "want" them, but they are there, as part of my past. But, I can think back fondly.

[wanting more]

I as an xOW rarely think of my xMM. when I do, it's with disgust.

 

And whether he thinks of me or not, matters nothing to me anymore.

[happy stillmore]

Ladydesigner,

 

Every situation is different as is every person. People often tend to direct comments made by others to themselves. I believe there is a band of people on these boards who stand together as a "BS United Front" who join together in making degrading comments about OPs. Yes, there are OPs who make degrading comments about BS. It works both ways. It is clear it is the anger talking.

 

I, for one, only stand for myself. I can relate to both sides. Yes, your anger is warranted but the message boards are a place where we are to be civil and try to help each other. Every situation is different. At times, the WS is a snake, the OP is a slut, the BS is a heartless bit$&. Or the WS is a victim, the AP is loving, the BS a saint, etc.

 

I don't direct every negative comments about OPs towards myself. I know myself and my situation. I'd be in trouble if I internalized the negativity thrown at the OPs for sheer folly or revenge. By the way, the comment was a general comment, not directed to you.