Of course he/she thinks about you!

[hippetyhop]

What time frame are you thinking about here? Months? Weeks? Years?

 

I'm sure as time goes by if thoughts of AP was in a MM or MW's mind, eventually those fade away as their life goes on. Like in 10 years I highly doubt an AP is on a MM or MW's mind much, if at all.

 

How often to you sit and look back, remember your old ex's from your past? Do you sit and dwell on it? Or is it a 20 second thought, then forgotten about?

 

I think it depends on the impact they made in your life. You may not dwell on them in a good or bad way, but they may still be with you. Again, I'm not saying this is the case in every A, but I'm sure someone on this board certainly misses someone they love(d) and it ended for whatever reason.

[Owl]

But hey...if it makes someone feel better about themselves if they know that somewhere, someone is thinking "Damn, I sure wish I'd never gotten involved with him/her" and they're referring to them...well, it's kinda sad, but if it makes you feel better I guess you can console yourself with that.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry to say this but it seems more likely an OW/OM is the one still thinking and remembering their MM/MW rather than it being the other way around. How many OW on here have posted about their exMM's and how often they think and miss him? Even years after the A is over.

 

Those who are patching up their marriages are busy and reconnecting with their spouses, so giving an exOW/exOM head space thoughts may happen at first but over time, it gets less and less.

[Owl]

I think it depends on the impact they made in your life. You may not dwell on them in a good or bad way, but they may still be with you. Again, I'm not saying this is the case in every A, but I'm sure someone on this board certainly misses someone they love(d) and it ended for whatever reason.

 

Sure...there are some that will look back on it fondly. Regret that they didn't end their marriage for the AP.

 

It happens.

 

There are examples of both sides of that equation.

 

But why dwell on that as the AP if the A is ended? Does it truly do anything to help you move on?

[hippetyhop]

Sorry to say this but it seems more likely an OW/OM is the one still thinking and remembering their MM/MW rather than it being the other way around. How many OW on here have posted about their exMM's and how often they think and miss him? Even years after the A is over.

 

Those who are patching up their marriages are busy and reconnecting with their spouses, so giving an exOW/exOM head space thoughts may happen at first but over time, it gets less and less.

 

I agree with this as most OM/OW are single when they meet their MM/MW. They have something to fall back on- we don't. They have a family to keep themselves busy...and we are on this board posting LOL!

[whichwayisup]

I think it depends on the impact they made in your life. You may not dwell on them in a good or bad way, but they may still be with you. Again, I'm not saying this is the case in every A, but I'm sure someone on this board certainly misses someone they love(d) and it ended for whatever reason.

 

I agree but over time, memories fade. And, when one totally moves on, falls in love with someone else (whether it be an OW or MM or BS) not too many sit and reminisce about their past flames when they are in a happy relationship.

 

Also feelings of detachment happen so over time any hate/love or whatever, disappears and fades. This is just my opinion but I doubt lots of xMM or xMW's reminisce about their past mistakes, especially since it caused a lot of pain and heartache.

[GorillaTheater]

The irony, of course, is that if the BS figures out what's going on, and decides at least initially to try to make the marriage work, he or she will be expected by the WS to forget about the affair (or at least not have the bad taste to bring it up) after only a few short months.

[hippetyhop]

I agree but over time, memories fade. And, when one totally moves on, falls in love with someone else (whether it be an OW or MM or BS) not too many sit and reminisce about their past flames when they are in a happy relationship.

 

Also feelings of detachment happen so over time any hate/love or whatever, disappears and fades. This is just my opinion but I doubt lots of xMM or xMW's reminisce about their past mistakes, especially since it caused a lot of pain and heartache.

 

Oh--I agree about that. I think the direction of the post was going in the beginning; the first few months of NC.

 

Feelings of detachment certainly does happen-perhaps that leads to why people end up in affairs?

[The Way I Am]

Well you are going to have to buy it whether you like it or not.

 

I actually work with the exOM and I do not think of him at all in that way. He is just a work colleague.

 

I don't buy this when you see him every day. It's just too unrealistic to believe that you've never once thought for a second about when you had sex together or something you did during the affair.

 

A person can practically forget someone they were involved with if it's been several years since they law saw that person.

 

Even the guys I've slept with who I would rather forget, sometimes I still think about the fact that I slept with them or non-sexual things we did together. I don't sit around and think about them, but certain topics prompt the memory. I don't think about them all fondly, but the OP says specifically that a WS don't necessarily think of the AP fondly.

 

You are also changing tactics now - your opening post said the WS "thinks" about you. Now you are saying "forget". That has a different meaning. "Not forgetting" is not the same as "thinking about"

 

Now I know I said "forget" but I mean it as I do not think of him in any other way than as a colleague, i.e. in terms of your opening post. The past is well and truly in the past.

 

You might want to reread the OP.

 

I don't think there's anything to argue in the fact that people don't ever completely forget about an AP/affair, or more generally, a person they had a sexual relationship with other than a ONS.

 

But the issue I take with the OP is the idea that there's some sort of comfort to be had in the idea that the AP never completely forgets. I just don't understand why that matters or would be comforting.

[hippetyhop]

The irony, of course, is that if the BS figures out what's going on, and decides at least initially to try to make the marriage work, he or she will be expected by the WS to forget about the affair (or at least not have the bad taste to bring it up) after only a few short months.

 

Their expected to forget--but do they especially if they had a smooth sailing A that ended abruptly?

[shell4]

Sorry to say this but it seems more likely an OW/OM is the one still thinking and remembering their MM/MW rather than it being the other way around. How many OW on here have posted about their exMM's and how often they think and miss him? Even years after the A is over.

 

Those who are patching up their marriages are busy and reconnecting with their spouses, so giving an exOW/exOM head space thoughts may happen at first but over time, it gets less and less.

 

 

Don't you find it disturbing that a married person can wreak such havoc and cause so much destruction for another person (whom they loved or thought they did at some point) and then not think about them at all? I would never trust such a person with MY heart, as they could very well forget about ME just the same.

[hippetyhop]

Don't you find it disturbing that a married person can wreak such havoc and cause so much destruction for another person (whom they loved or thought they did at some point) and then not think about them at all? I would never trust such a person with MY heart, as they could very well forget about ME just the same.

 

Unless they are extremely selfish, emotionally vacant and think they can get any girl they want. One day it'll bite them in the butt and their heart will be broken.

[2sunny]

The main thing I think of with me exH is "why didn't I leave sooner?"

 

 

I deserve better than the lies and betrayal he dished out.

[anne1707]

I don't buy this when you see him every day. It's just too unrealistic to believe that you've never once thought for a second about when you had sex together or something you did during the affair.

 

I reckon I probably know what I think and feel better than anybody else does

 

 

You might want to reread the OP.

 

I just did - and yes, "forget" is mentioned but the OP was actually more about the "thinking about" wasn't it.

 

I don't think there's anything to argue in the fact that people don't ever completely forget about an AP/affair, or more generally, a person they had a sexual relationship with other than a ONS.

 

And as I clarified, yes I can remember if I choose to but I really can't be bothered. I have no reason to. Hence I do not think about the exOM in that way. I have not done so for years.

 

 

But the issue I take with the OP is the idea that there's some sort of comfort to be had in the idea that the AP never completely forgets. I just don't understand why that matters or would be comforting.

 

I agree totally.

 

My particular issue with the OP was the blanket statement being made as if ALL fWS think of the AP. Some do. Some don't. At the end of the day, does it matter? It's what you choose to do with your life that matters. Not what someone who is no longer in your life chooses to do.

[whichwayisup]

Don't you find it disturbing that a married person can wreak such havoc and cause so much destruction for another person (whom they loved or thought they did at some point) and then not think about them at all? I would never trust such a person with MY heart, as they could very well forget about ME just the same.

 

You make it sound like an OW is a poor victim. How many OW can't let go? Stand up for themselves and say ENOUGH, I'm done! Then move on. So many keep the door open a crack, hoping and waiting for a tiny piece of crumb, anything - a text, an email from their exMM, in hopes to either start up the A again or hope that the M is over so they can be with MM again. Some OW bring on that pain themselves, set themselves up for the fall as time goes on.

 

Affairs are painful, messy and cause heartache. Fact!

Some MM are not ass.holes, some are. Some endings don't end in misery and disaster, some do!

 

Either way, it's not healthy for the healing process to constantly think, remember, reminisce..No matter what side of the fence one is on. Things end, people have to let go and move on and that means not giving the person head space in one's head.

[whichwayisup]

You seem to be very angry. I'm sorry you are still dealing with that. But - this is not the topic of this thread.

 

For a 'new' member of LS, you certainly seem to just jump in and be comfortable. Just sayin'!

[shell4]

Not for nothing, but that's PRECISELY what a lot of married people do. They create chaos and havoc and devastation with their cheating and when it's all over but the screaming, they may very well think fondly of their affair partner.

 

But you can almost guarantee that along WITH that fondness is probably a big dose of negative feelings and/or fear, thinking about what life was like for them AFTER it all hit the fan. Fear of their spouse booting them out, fear of losing their kids/family, fear of the possible shame should their secret get out to friends, coworkers and family, etc. etc.

 

That kind of stuff goes hand in hand. Especially once a memory has been tainted.

 

Just my humble opinion, of course.

 

 

I absolutely agree, especially as the screaming is the only thing that's left, without any real attention to the underlying issues, and where the most prominent requirement (= demand) is that the WS "forgets" the AP.

[rumbleseat]

what's the saying about a flower grows well only when it's tended? In other words, memories of events that impacted us fade over time, especially if they are about events that are no longer relevant in our lives. For a married man or woman who reconciles, the affair is likely no longer relevant, so they don't keep mulling it over it fades away. The irony is that their spouse may think about it much more than they do.

 

of course, they probably still remember it, as it hasn't been erased from their mind( this is real life, not Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), but as to it impacing them, whether the thoughts are fond or not depends on the person.

[AutumnMoon]

NM, that Anne is an OW, and has emphasized many times that she is here due to her own affair... forget all that, let's focus on her being a BS because she disagrees. Why can't we just say a fellow OW disagreed with you?

 

I disagree also, btw. Methinks you are romanticizing things, giving the kind of hope that has people clinging longer than what is healthy. I also find it interesting that you say that they may be thinking of the OW, even if it is in a negative light. How is that even the slightest bit heartwarming and comforting???

 

Yeah, I feel a LOT better knowing that sometimes my old APs think of me and wish me dead!

 

And in the end, who cares? Who cares if some douchebag I gave a blowjob to a few years back still thinks of me? Maybe some of these OW/M need to focus more on indifference and detaching rather than "Oh, he still has to think about me a little".

 

I wasn't saying only betrayed spouses feel that way and I'm totally done with disagreements.. I don't feel everyone has to think like me.

 

If people were honest and living in reality though I don't think it's much of a stretch to admit a person who has experienced an affair, from any side, and no matter how it ended, that person does at times think of their AP.

 

Not every second and often not enough to actually leave their marriage, but they don't just forget about the other person.. Unless it was a very very superficial connection and even then, if you spend much time with someone and time as intense as a secret affair can be.. You'd think of them, even if briefly and even if negative.

[shell4]

For a 'new' member of LS, you certainly seem to just jump in and be comfortable. Just sayin'!

 

I'm a new member, but I've learnt how to read many, many years ago.

[anne1707]

Not every second and often not enough to actually leave their marriage, but they don't just forget about the other person.. Unless it was a very very superficial connection and even then, if you spend much time with someone and time as intense as a secret affair can be.. You'd think of them, even if briefly and even if negative.

 

So how is this fleeting, negative thought supposed to provide any comfort to the OW/OM?

[hollyhillcourt]

So how is this fleeting, negative thought supposed to provide any comfort to the OW/OM?

 

 

Positive or negative. Maybe in a temporary, self-soothing way these thoughts provide comfort to the one who was 'dumped.' But realistically, it doesn't matter.

[velvette]

Aren't you worried that he may one day forget about YOUR marriage as well?

 

 

Nope, I'm unforgettable....haha

 

Seriously, why would I worry about that?

 

If the M ended we would both be off on new adventures. Why would I care if he were sitting around pining over me?

[AutumnMoon]

How is that even the slightest bit heartwarming and comforting???

 

Yeah, I feel a LOT better knowing that sometimes my old APs think of me and wish me dead!

 

And in the end, who cares? Who cares if some douchebag I gave a blowjob to a few years back still thinks of me? Maybe some of these OW/M need to focus more on indifference and detaching rather than "Oh, he still has to think about me a little".

 

THIS. Exactly. I'm saying .. DON'T stress about whether he or she is thinking of you.

 

I wasn't saying people would only remember or think about the positive things, and I wasn't saying they would be thinking about you all the time.

 

I've seen betrayed spouses trying to say he forgot about her! He only thinks of her as a mistake or not at all.. I'm saying that's very likely not true.

 

I've also seen WS or single OM or OW trying to convince others or themselves, that the affair was in a bubble and the love was only real there, they were just using it manipulating.. But in my opinion even if they were only using you.. That does not mean they don't think of you at all. They very likely do.

 

Maybe it's easier to move on no matter what side your on.. To think when it's over it's just..over.

 

Maybe I can't make sense of it in writing, it makes perfect sense in my head

 

I guess at the beginning I stressed over if he was thinking of me or not and now I let that go. I don't worry about it because I know he is! Whether he thinks of me positive or negative is not the point..

 

I used to stress about that in past relationships and friendships too. If they ended or if we were apart for a while it after a good night or bad night.. Wondering if they thought about me.

 

If you want to move on you can whether you still think of the person from time to time or not... But don't stress if they think about you because if you know that had a connection and you think about them.. They likely think of you too. All I meant.

[AutumnMoon]

What time frame are you thinking about here? Months? Weeks? Years?

 

I'm sure as time goes by if thoughts of AP was in a MM or MW's mind, eventually those fade away as their life goes on. Like in 10 years I highly doubt an AP is on a MM or MW's mind much, if at all.

 

How often to you sit and look back, remember your old ex's from your past? Do you sit and dwell on it? Or is it a 20 second thought, then forgotten about?

 

I was more referring to originally the first months after an affair ended.. I wrote it after reading on another thread and that was my thought process at at the time.

 

I'm in my late 20's so I'm basing my thoughts on relationships in the last ten years or so.

 

An affair is an intense type of relationship in my opinion... I think that makes some difference too.

 

My affair is active.. But we have down times and I used to stress if he was thinking of me. I don't now because I just accepted.. He is.. And I can only make an impression if its positive or negative with my actions, it's still up to him how he thinks of me or when.