Too much drama into my R... ?

[AverageCat]

So long story short I've had a few problems in my R. Maybe I'm getting too comfortable... Idk.

 

So basically we were down south for 3-4 days with my gf and 2 other couples. The first night we ended up staying at a hostel. After we had sex she started crying telling me how she didn't feel me close enough during sex. I was like WTF..... It def wasnt our best sex night, mainly due to the fact that you could hear everything from the other rooms and hearing some of our best friends having sex was turning me a bit off. But still I thought it was normal. She continued complaining about how after we had sex I didn't even hug her, but went to bed.

 

Night before leaving it happened again. We went off drinking. I told her a few times we should go home as I was tired (had driven 6 hrs that day. Was going to drive 10 the next one), but she insisted we have a few more drinks. So we did and when we ended up home, she started to make out / fool around while I was about to pass out. Eventually I pass out, only to wake up at her crying again, saying it's the first time a guy has refused her and she's feeling so bad. I first dismissed her concerns (valuing my short 4 hrs of sleep) and went back to bed but after a few times when I would just wake up and find her crying in silence I had to wake up and comfort her.

 

I really love this girl... but at times I feel like she is just so spoiled and selfish. Both times these problems happened, we had a crazy day and I was exhausted... Most of the times I was driving while she was sleeping... We had a crazy amazing weekend... and yet she can just look at the glass 5% empty. Idk. I really think maybe it would be in both of our best interests to end it.

[soccerrprp]

This doesn't sound like a chronic problem? I mean, this is one weekend event. Are you having similar problems all around? If so, then perhaps she is being too negative and/or selfish and from that general behavior, you may need to reassess your relation and compatibility issues.

[AverageCat]

Is it a chronic problem? Probably not. But it happens once in a while and I just dont get it. I feel like at times she has the world but she chooses to focus on the negatives. And this just puts so much pressure into myself to fulfill her and make her happy...

 

I really feel like a lot of times she doesn't even try to put herself in my shoes and that bothers me like hell.

 

That's what Im thinking. Reassessing... But on the other hand I really do love this girl

[soccerrprp]

Is it a chronic problem? Probably not. But it happens once in a while and I just dont get it. I feel like at times she has the world but she chooses to focus on the negatives. And this just puts so much pressure into myself to fulfill her and make her happy...

 

I really feel like a lot of times she doesn't even try to put herself in my shoes and that bothers me like hell.

 

That's what Im thinking. Reassessing... But on the other hand I really do love this girl

 

AverageCat,

 

Your "love" will only tolerate so much. You are involved with someone that routinely injects disappointment into your life and you seem to resent this. She is too negative for you and likely her personality, not something that can be changed or at least, easily.

 

If you want to try to salvage something, have a long, serious talk about what is bothering you and let her know that her behavior hurts. Let her know and don't mince words, be direct.

 

Otherwise, you ought to consider that this will be how things will be for a future.

 

Good luck.

[CptSaveAho]

you cant make women happy all the time, sometimes they want to be sad/angry

 

dont sweat it

[AverageCat]

AverageCat,

 

Your "love" will only tolerate so much. You are involved with someone that routinely injects disappointment into your life and you seem to resent this. She is too negative for you and likely her personality, not something that can be changed or at least, easily.

 

If you want to try to salvage something, have a long, serious talk about what is bothering you and let her know that her behavior hurts. Let her know and don't mince words, be direct.

 

Otherwise, you ought to consider that this will be how things will be for a future.

 

Good luck.

 

Yes, but what I was looking for, from this rant, was also other people's opinion on the cases at hand.

 

Do you think she was right for crying / making a big deal out of me not hugging her or whatever during sex. Maybe she's right but I just don't see it.

 

When I told her that I need someone who doesn't get mad and dramatic at the simplest things and that lets me sleep when I have a million other things to do / in my mind. She said fair enough. But she also needs a guy who will listen to her when she has a problem and not just go to sleep. I was like dafuq.... I passed out. Im just confused at how to find a compromise or if I should be even looking for one.

[AverageCat]

you cant make women happy all the time, sometimes they want to be sad/angry

 

dont sweat it

 

But this really affects me. she gets mad and negative. And

a) I hate seeing her sad / mad. I just hate it.

b) Negative energy is contagious. And it puts stress on me.

c) I'm not even sure what the correct answer is... Should I just tell her the blunt truth - that she's being a baby and she should grow the **** up. Or should I be more comforting and try to make her happy (which is probably what she needs)

[CptSaveAho]

part of being a man is not to allow this to affect you / showing indifference / being a rock in her emotional ocean

 

most people on the forum, including yourself dont get it, when she acts like this, ignore it, go grab a beer, watch some tv, etc and let her be sad

 

she will get over it on her own and probably appologize for being a retard

[Arabella]

part of being a man is not to allow this to affect you / showing indifference / being a rock in her emotional ocean

 

most people on the forum, including yourself dont get it, when she acts like this, ignore it, go grab a beer, watch some tv, etc and let her be sad

 

she will get over it on her own and probably appologize for being a retard

 

Oh, yeah. This is definitely part of being a man. A single man.

 

OP, I wouldn't suggest this approach. If a woman feels hurt, what she needs is validation and understanding, not for you to ignore her feelings.

 

Feeling distance from your significant other during sex can be quite hurtful to a woman in love. Stuff happens, perhaps you were tired or just turned off because of the lack of privacy but she doesn't know this. Tell her, reassure everything is fine, and endeavor to do better. If you can't have quality sex, don't have sex at all... and explain you'd rather wait for a moment when you can enjoy each other better.

 

As far as turning her down... it's how you went about doing it, not the fact that you did it. Blatantly ignoring her and going to sleep is going to make her feel like crap. If you really don't feel like having sex, acknowledge her advances and assure her you want to have sex, but would rather wait until tomorrow because you don't feel like you can do your best. Then, the next day, make it up to her.

 

The key here is communication.

[AverageCat]

part of being a man is not to allow this to affect you / showing indifference / being a rock in her emotional ocean

 

most people on the forum, including yourself dont get it, when she acts like this, ignore it, go grab a beer, watch some tv, etc and let her be sad

 

she will get over it on her own and probably appologize for being a retard

 

Yes but there's 2 ways of being a rock.

1. Indifferent and distant - Im going to grab a beer.

2. Indifferent and close - Come here. Give her a hug.

 

Problem with indifferent and distant is that she's gonna resent you for it even more. i.e. it reinforces her idea that you don't give a ****. So while her attraction will grow fonder because you're being more masculine, her comfort with you will die down.

 

Lastly indifferent or not, it affects my mood. I don't wanna see people sad and agitated... more of a calm collected type.

[AverageCat]

Oh, yeah. This is definitely part of being a man. A single man.

 

OP, I wouldn't suggest this approach. If a woman feels hurt, what she needs is validation and understanding, not for you to ignore her feelings.

 

Feeling distance from your significant other during sex can be quite hurtful to a woman in love. Stuff happens, perhaps you were tired or just turned off because of the lack of privacy but she doesn't know this. Tell her, reassure everything is fine, and endeavor to do better. If you can't have quality sex, don't have sex at all... and explain you'd rather wait for a moment when you can enjoy each other better.

 

As far as turning her down... it's how you went about doing it, not the fact that you did it. Blatantly ignoring her and going to sleep is going to make her feel like crap. If you really don't feel like having sex, acknowledge her advances and assure her you want to have sex, but would rather wait until tomorrow because you don't feel like you can do your best. Then, the next day, make it up to her.

 

The key here is communication.

 

I agree with this a lot... Hmm so you're saying that she was not out of line for being sad/mad at these things.

 

And yes I think communication was the main problem. She pretty much said the same thing. That if I had just kissed her good night, then it wouldn't have mattered, but I pretty much passed out while she was all over me, which felt very frustrating/insulting to her. (I guess)...

 

My whole problem was the way she went about it. If she had gone to sleep and told me tomorrow that would have been fine, we would have talked about it and found a solution. But waking me up in the middle of the night several times was just unacceptable for me.... in days where sleep was so sacred. She said that she just cant control it. If she feels hurt or like there's a problem she needs to talk it out at that moment and she cant postpone for later....

 

As for the sex. It was not and wouldnt have been bad sex either nights (I was hard as a rock ) But I guess my mind was not so much at that moment and she resented it. Oh well.

[Arabella]

I agree with this a lot... Hmm so you're saying that she was not out of line for being sad/mad at these things.

 

And yes I think communication was the main problem. She pretty much said the same thing. That if I had just kissed her good night, then it wouldn't have mattered, but I pretty much passed out while she was all over me, which felt very frustrating/insulting to her. (I guess)...

 

My whole problem was the way she went about it. If she had gone to sleep and told me tomorrow that would have been fine, we would have talked about it and found a solution. But waking me up in the middle of the night several times was just unacceptable for me.... in days where sleep was so sacred. She said that she just cant control it. If she feels hurt or like there's a problem she needs to talk it out at that moment and she cant postpone for later....

 

As for the sex. It was not and wouldnt have been bad sex either nights (I was hard as a rock ) But I guess my mind was not so much at that moment and she resented it. Oh well.

 

I can relate to her feelings... I've felt the same thing before so I wouldn't say she was out of line, no. She actually sounds a lot like me in this aspect... When there is conflict, I can't just drop things and cool off, unless we deal with them first. My SO is the total opposite... he can't deal with things until he's had a chance to cool off for several hours/days.

 

While I understand that you just didn't want to deal with all this then because you were exhausted... she was feeling sad/rejected at that moment in time. It's hard to just ignore this and go to sleep and then bring it up in the morning. Instead of what happened (which ended up preventing you from getting your much-needed sleep), you could have had a short conversation to comfort her, and promise her to continue the next day when you're less tired. That would've been a compromise.

 

And the sex may not have been "bad" from a purely physical perspective... but she clearly felt the emotional distance, and she needed that to be there too. Otherwise, she might just feel used (hence complaining that you didn't even kiss her goodnight).

 

She doesn't sound like a drama queen to me at all... just very emotionally aware.

[CptSaveAho]

Yes but there's 2 ways of being a rock.

1. Indifferent and distant - Im going to grab a beer.

2. Indifferent and close - Come here. Give her a hug.

 

Problem with indifferent and distant is that she's gonna resent you for it even more. i.e. it reinforces her idea that you don't give a ****. So while her attraction will grow fonder because you're being more masculine, her comfort with you will die down.

 

Lastly indifferent or not, it affects my mood. I don't wanna see people sad and agitated... more of a calm collected type.

 

Right, remember... why women date *******s and badboys... and then reread your paragraph i underlined...

 

You can't control how other people feel... that's their deal... get that through your head... contrary to the bs that women will spew out, they love a guy that can be indifferent and distant and not "reward" them when they are being retarded and emotional.

 

communication is key but actions speak louder then words... you cant rationalize with a woman thats being emotional so dont even try

[AverageCat]

I can relate to her feelings... I've felt the same thing before so I wouldn't say she was out of line, no. She actually sounds a lot like me in this aspect... When there is conflict, I can't just drop things and cool off, unless we deal with them first. My SO is the total opposite... he can't deal with things until he's had a chance to cool off for several hours/days.

 

While I understand that you just didn't want to deal with all this then because you were exhausted... she was feeling sad/rejected at that moment in time. It's hard to just ignore this and go to sleep and then bring it up in the morning. Instead of what happened (which ended up preventing you from getting your much-needed sleep), you could have had a short conversation to comfort her, and promise her to continue the next day when you're less tired. That would've been a compromise.

 

And the sex may not have been "bad" from a purely physical perspective... but she clearly felt the emotional distance, and she needed that to be there too. Otherwise, she might just feel used (hence complaining that you didn't even kiss her goodnight).

 

She doesn't sound like a drama queen to me at all... just very emotionally aware.

 

Yes. I think you are relating a lot and that's why I want to understand from you perspective.

 

- how would you feel if I told you to just grow the **** up and that it's not a big deal on a serious calm tone.

 

I feel like sometimes by being comforting and reassuring Im just reinforcing to her that she should be as emotional as possible when she can because she will always have someone there to reassure her.

 

Also the other thing is that I want her to be able to somehow resolve her own issues sometimes too, without the need of my comfort and reassurance. You say it's not possible, but I think it is. You just have to not rely on your SO so much...

[salparadise]

Yes, but what I was looking for, from this rant, was also other people's opinion on the cases at hand.

 

Do you think she was right for crying / making a big deal out of me not hugging her or whatever during sex. Maybe she's right but I just don't see it.

 

When I told her that I need someone who doesn't get mad and dramatic at the simplest things and that lets me sleep when I have a million other things to do / in my mind. She said fair enough. But she also needs a guy who will listen to her when she has a problem and not just go to sleep. I was like dafuq.... I passed out. Im just confused at how to find a compromise or if I should be even looking for one.

 

I see a couple of things going on here. First, what she feels is what she feels and it's real to her that the time - so don't invalidate her feelings by rationalizing them away. Acknowledge and empathize even if you don't feel the same. It's not the same as agreeing and reinforcing.

 

You now know that she needs certain expressions of affection during/after sex, so do your best to give what she needs because you want her to feel good, not merely to appease.

 

It seems to me that she may be predisposed to negative thinking/feelings and needs external validation, perhaps due to some insecurities or less than rock-solid sense of self. You can accommodate this need up to a point, but be careful that you don't take on the role of being responsible for her feelings. Each of us has to be responsible for and own our feelings. There is a huge difference between being able to express how your feel vs. having the expectation that another person should fix how you feel. So if she is saying she doesn't feel close for whatever reason, reassure and express your affection. But much beyond that may be crossing the line to enmeshment. This means the distinction between individuals is unclear––viewing another as an extension of one's self. Keep the boundaries firm in this regard. She must own her feelings.

 

It also seems as if the alcohol played a role in this confusion. Do the two of you drink often, beyond one or two? To each their own, but I would prefer postpone sex than to have sub-optimal sex due to too much alcohol. I have no idea what is normal for the two of you, but I would suggest limiting the drinking to a few at a time since her feelings spiraling out of control may very well be related to that.

 

If this is an unusual occurrence then make small course corrections and carry on. But if you start to see patterns, especially with regard to dissatisfaction based in irrationality, unwarranted criticism, her feelings being your problem, etc., then maybe you need to reassess.

[Philosoraptor]

It does sound like communication is a big issue here. The only way to deal with someone who is being overly emotional is to listen to them and let them get it out, don't cut them off or give them any more ammo. Once they've exhausted themselves explain in a clear and mature manner what you heard, and what you think of what you heard. No need to get into a negative back and forth with the person.

 

But you'll get nowhere trying to work with anyone on an issue until they've cooled off. But you'll help your relationship more by sucking it up and nodding your head versus running off somewhere.

[AverageCat]

Right, remember... why women date *******s and badboys... and then reread your paragraph i underlined...

 

You can't control how other people feel... that's their deal... get that through your head... contrary to the bs that women will spew out, they love a guy that can be indifferent and distant and not "reward" them when they are being retarded and emotional.

 

communication is key but actions speak louder then words... you cant rationalize with a woman thats being emotional so dont even try

 

There's a lot of opinions on this. You have your own.

 

My opinion - Girls like to date the bad boy, but they want to be with the good boy. Hence being somewhat in between (my definition - adventurous, passionate, dominating, but also polite and with integrity) can satisfy their mind and their emotions.

 

People don't solely date/get in relationships based on their emotions. I've never seen a successful relationship where the couple was not good friends too as well as good lovers.

[AverageCat]

Each of us has to be responsible for and own our feelings. There is a huge difference between being able to express how your feel vs. having the expectation that another person should fix how you feel. So if she is saying she doesn't feel close for whatever reason, reassure and express your affection. But much beyond that may be crossing the line to enmeshment. This means the distinction between individuals is unclear––viewing another as an extension of one's self. Keep the boundaries firm in this regard. She must own her feelings.

 

This is my main issue/problem. It seems to me like she expects me to fix it. She expects me to make her happy. She doesn't recognize in herself part of the problem. Only in me. And that just frustrates me and I feel like if I validate her concerns and fix them, then I am reinforcing that I indeed am responsible for her feelings...

[AverageCat]

It does sound like communication is a big issue here. The only way to deal with someone who is being overly emotional is to listen to them and let them get it out, don't cut them off or give them any more ammo. Once they've exhausted themselves explain in a clear and mature manner what you heard, and what you think of what you heard. No need to get into a negative back and forth with the person.

 

But you'll get nowhere trying to work with anyone on an issue until they've cooled off. But you'll help your relationship more by sucking it up and nodding your head versus running off somewhere.

 

I do understand that. And believe me I know how people work and how to fix arguments. I knew how to make her fall in love. I know how to make her happy. I know how to fix arguments. I know how to make her feel like she is understood for things that sometimes I don't agree with. But for once I wish, I just wish that she was the one taking an active role for a second. I wish she was the one to try to fix the argument...

 

I.e. - I go to bed without being affectionate while I'm tired - she'd be the one to be comforting and hug me and try to understand me... but it just feels like it's all about her.

[Philosoraptor]

I do understand that. And believe me I know how people work and how to fix arguments. I knew how to make her fall in love. I know how to make her happy. I know how to fix arguments. I know how to make her feel like she is understood for things that sometimes I don't agree with. But for once I wish, I just wish that she was the one taking an active role for a second. I wish she was the one to try to fix the argument...

 

I.e. - I go to bed without being affectionate while I'm tired - she'd be the one to be comforting and hug me and try to understand me... but it just feels like it's all about her.

Then you need to communicate that. You have needs as well and relationships take effort from both sides. If you don't communicate the issues (try to do it in a positive manner), then you're just accepting what is happening and she has no reason to change as a lack of communication on your side is the same as affirming what she is doing is ok.

[CptSaveAho]

She doesnt want you to fix her problems, let her cry and be sad, let her be angry, let her have her negative emotions... then when shes done... give her positive emotions

 

Its not rocket science

[devilish innocent]

Did you really just ask if you should tell a lady who's crying "that she's being a baby and she should grow the **** up"?! Because I'm burying my head in my hands just reading that.

 

Listen, there's much to be said for trying to maintain a positive attitude and not being a negative nelly all of the time. I don't know your girlfriend. Maybe she is the sort of person who's always looking to bring herself and those close to her down. In which case, you've got a very good reason to end things with her.

 

On the other hand, there are situations when simply trying to "think positive" isn't enough. Something that happened may have really touched a nerve for somebody. Or maybe it's a hormonal or biochemical issue. There's nothing wrong with reaching out to other people for emotional support during those times. Most people consider that a wise way to cope with those sorts of issues.

 

By the time a person is to the point of crying, it's rarely a matter of them just choosing to be negative simply to get attention. It's almost always that they're hurting very badly. If you disregard their feelings during that time, it will sting them very badly. If you're really unable to feel comfortable with comforting somebody when they're that miserable, then I suggest you work on overcoming that. That's a skill you're going to need no matter who you're in a relationship with.

 

That's not to say your girlfriend should have free reign to be a **** just because she's hurting, or that she shouldn't take your need for sleep into consideration. Your girlfriend did say though that she would have been fine if you'd just kissed her, so the whole thing probably could have been handled better all the way around though.

 

A good solution when one person is that sad and the other is really tired is just to snuggle together for a while. The person who is tired can fall asleep snuggling. The person who is sad will feel like they're not alone. It's a win/win all around for everyone. When done properly, a situation like that can draw a couple closer to one another rather than pushing them further apart.

 

You also say that you wish she was the one who would take the active role in being comforting sometimes. Well, do you ask her for it? Because otherwise it's not fair to blame her for not knowing what you need. She's not a mind reader. There's nothing wrong with asking her to help you feel better. If you ask nicely and she's not upset at you, she'll appreciate that you want to share a moment with her.

 

These are really the sorts of issues that either draw couples closer to one another or tear them apart. It sounds like the two of you need to work on communicating and understanding each other better. If you can be more sensitive to her needs, you may find she’s more sensitive to yours as well.