Hanna Martha Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I'll try to make a long story short. I have had a friends with benefits "relationship" with a married man for approximately five years now. It started when I was in the beginning of my divorce process with my now ex-husband. The divorce was very difficult and the whole process lasted for a very long time, as my ex had many psychiatric issues, threatened suicide several times and was even hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital. He has been diagnosed with a severe personality disorder and some of the things which have happened have left me slightly traumatized. I fell in love very quickly with the married man, but realized that we would never be together as he wasn't willing to leave his wife and kids, and I wasn't able to start a normal relationship anyway at that point either. I have decided to stop this friends with benefits relation, but am doubting how to proceed. Recently I found out that he has been looking for sex online, not only with other women, but also with cuckold couples and even with men! I found advertisements for sandwiches, double penetrations, soft sm, etc. etc. I was dumbstruck when I saw this. He always claimed to be heterosexual, so this is something difficult to comprehend. At this point he doesn't know that I know about this. I mailed him a few weeks ago saying that I can't continue because I don't feel good about the situation anymore, but I haven't mentioned anything further. He'd like to meet up to talk things over. I don't know if I can still face him. My question is this: should I still see him to talk about this? Am I too impolite if I stop this just by letting him know this by mail? Should I tell him that I know he is looking for all these types of sex encounters, or should I keep it to myself? I just don't know what to say... I feel torn between all these different images I have of him. I know him as a friendly, nice, easy-going man, but this other information about him makes me want to vomit.
cif Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 My question is this: should I still see him to talk about this? NO Am I too impolite if I stop this just by letting him know this by mail? NO Should I tell him that I know he is looking for all these types of sex encounters, or should I keep it to myself? NO This no longer concerns you. I just don't know what to say... I feel torn between all these different images I have of him. NOTHING I know him as a friendly, nice, easy-going man, but this other information about him makes me want to vomit. This is the *real* him. You've ended it already. Don't respond. 3
BeingMe Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Would you be willing to tell the BW? I know you're worried about breaking NC. It's just that if he's doing all this, her health is seriously at risk...I know that I would want to know.
Author Hanna Martha Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 Well, I found out earlier in the affair that he had other affairs before me, and his wife found out both times and took him back twice. So I don't think I will tell. I have the impression that she doesn't want to know about his secret life, so she can continue with her family... I'll just turn out to be the bad guy I guess, while they continue their lives. What bothers me is that I wrote an email ending our affair a few weeks ago, saying that I was willing to talk about it a week later, but at that point I hadn't discovered those "male sex" ads yet. I had already found out that he was trying to find a replacement for me online, but it's only later that I found out the more extreme ads. It shocked me so much, that I haven't been able to reply to him. I know I should end it, but I'm just ... silent. The good and nice girl in me says 'have one more talk with him', and 'you don't end things by email', but there's another side that says 'just let him know that you've found out about his sneaky ways and that you don't want to see him anymore'. My conscience is struggling
SarahJames Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Dear OP, We are in the EXACT same situation - I feel as though I have just read my own post! I too was in a FWB type of situation with a MM. There were times I wanted to end it because I knew there was no future with this man. Those feelings quickly turned into actions once I realized he was looking for sex online. I was extremely hurt, but I quickly returned to reality when I remembered, "he is doing this to his WIFE, why WOULDNT he do it to you!?". I've come to realize these type of "men" are hungry for attention and validation. They want to feel like "men" and by accumulating and bedding as many women as possible, they get that validation. What is the point of talking to him and formally "ending" it? Let me tell you how that's going to go: he's going to say anything he can to convince you to continue having sex with him. Then when he realizes you might be serious, he's going to be passive-aggressive saying something like, "ok. I understand if this is what you need. If you need it to be over I will give you your space, but please know it was so much more than just sex to me. I will miss you so much...your personality, all the times we spent laughing, and just hugging. I will never forget you and I hope we could still be friends...". Then when you don't text or call him the next day or within a few days, he's going to send you the "I miss you" cr*p. He is going to try to lure you back in as much as he can. But believe me it has nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with HIM. You won't be there to stroke his ego...or anything else err um let him go and end it with dignity. Trust me, I didn't want to believe I was his play thing either, he even shed a few tears when I ran away, but the posts I saw online - the ones of him searching for sex - those were enough to let me know who he REALLY is because the things he says to YOU...that's just acting.
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