scatter Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 Hello, I am 18 years old and I have been quite depressed lately, first of all I have to say that I went through very violent sexual abuse when I was younger from my stepfather, and it all started with him showing me pornography and "acting it out" then progressing to more and more violent situations, he said he was teaching me for when I got married... I am still a virgin surprisingly enough, because he thought he was being "moral" to me he only forced anal sex, he would punch me strangle me, I would black out he would give me sleeping drugs if he felt like being nice. I have never told anyone except my fiance, Brian. sadly enough when I first met Brian I was afraid of him, I thought he was a pervert... but that did not stop me from falling in love Brian was addicted to pornography when I first met him. he said he was and that he wanted to quit, after I practically wrote him a speech, he even cried and said he hated it and that he didn't want to lose me. three months later on valentines day he left me to go to the porn shop, everyone made me feel like I was over reacting. my friend that he went with(a female) reassured me that he didn't buy anything and he said he didn't buy anything. I found out later he spent allot of money on porn video's. I was going to break up with him, he called me crying telling me how he got rid of everything. and for a long time I thought he had quit, I asked him allot and he would flat out lie, and talk about how bad it was and how horrible. I believed him. at prom he fondled me even after I said no..twice...I was scared so I didn't say anything else I cried and had panic attacks for weeks. worried that I would lose him, and that he would look at porn again our sexual life increased to everything except intercourse. recently I was helping him on his computer, and I found things in his trash bin(just the labels) and I found all this porn, he lied and said it was attached to something else, for a second I believed him but I accused him and began crying he admitted what he had been doing. more panic attacks, thoughts of suicide, overdoses. I burned "PORN" into my leg, I cut myself. I stopped eating for a few days. I'm always depressed he says he quit and that he hates it , just like before. he says it's different. he gets angry if I bring it up....I do it to check up...to make sure.... I feel like I'm not good enough, he's enough for me...why am I not enough. I feel so ugly. I don't believe any of his compliments. or promises. but I try. he asked me to marry him the 24th of november. I love him, he seems like he's trying to make it up to me. but he's annoyed that I'm depressed all the time. Am I being stupid to trust him again?....we're supposed to get married. If he does it again, I want to kill myself.
moimeme Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 1. Nobody and nothing is worth killing yourself over. 2. Before you marry anybody, you need to get counselling to get over all that's happened to you. 3. 18 is way too young to decide to get married. Trust me, you WILL regret it if you marry him. You marry someone you love and whose company you enjoy - not somebody who makes you depressed and unhappy. 4. Porn is not the problem. Or, rather, the cause of your depression is not porn, but everything else in your life. An addiction to porn is like an addiction to potato chips or to cigarettes. If he had trouble quitting smoking, you wouldn't think he preferred the cigarettes over you. Porn satisfies the same sorts of urges that are satisfied in any other addiction. It's about compulsion - his. It has NOTHING to do with you. But you still need counselling and you should not be getting married. 5. Do NOT marry this guy for at least ten years and get counselling first. 6. DO NOT MARRY this guy for at least ten years and get counselling first. 7. DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY FOR AT LEAST TEN YEARS AND GET COUNSELLING FIRST.
Author scatter Posted December 7, 2004 Author Posted December 7, 2004 but... It's really hard to wait, 10 years? I'll be almost 30... and he already asked my father... I really do love him, I was pretty Happy when I thought he had given it up for me... I should explain also that I am bi-polar and very co-dependent on him he actually want's me to tell people what happened, and get counciling. he was my friend long before we went out. he treats me very well, really, and the prom incident...he said he was half asleep. I don't think he meant to scare or hurt me. If I was normal, I would have been fine, it wasn't his fault. He says it really is an addiction, he even told some of our friends that he has an addiction. doesn't that show some willingness to change? He takes care of me better than my family has. I know I'm only 18 but he is really all I have. If he doesn't want me, I don't see the point in life. I was fine and happy for the first time in my life, I felt so special and cherished. until found out I had to compete with thousands of skinny perfect women. he said he thinks I'm better than anyone that he's seen... I find that odd because he seems to especially like tiny Japanese women.... while I am a very chubby, very white girl. I was born in Okinawa, maybe that's why he likes me... I hate pornography, It's bad for the human race it portrays women as impersonal pieces of flesh. I made this web sight a long time ago, before he started again....and with his support. http://oneangrygirl.20m.com/
zara Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 Girl, i am almost 30. And i'm not married. However, i am well adjusted and happy with myself. This is what you need to be. Not married. DO NOT tie yourself to this man who scares you. There is a cliched saying but i happen to think you should give it some thought : The one you love should never make you cry. I would add to that by saying that the one you love should NEVER make you scared. There are plenty of other people out there who you will meet long before you reach my ancient age who will make you feel special and cherished as a person. You have much to offer the world, don't hide your light under a dependency on someone who makes you feel so bad. Listen to Moimeme - get some counselling. Your abusive childhood has left you with severe emotional scars that you need some help with. Although i have to say that there are many women who have not been abused who object to pornography so do not feel that you are alone on this, but your experiences, more than most, should provide valid reason for this man to do his utmost not to hurt you.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 You really should be talking about this to your therapist - and I mean hardcore. It sounds like there are a lot of issues you have unrelated to the delimma you posted here. Until you resolve those issues you will be unable to find happiness in anything you do. Expecting your boyfriend to make you happy is unfair to him, and it is unrealistic for you. Your boyfriend can't make you happy. Only you can do that. Healthy relationships are those that make you want to be happy as a part of your life. They don't substitute for happiness itself. You are relying on your boyfriend to take the place of all your problems. You may not realize it, but when you sit down and really think about it... you are holding him responsible for your happiness and then punishing him when he doesn't deliver by cutting yourself up/threatening suicide/outward displays of depression. He will not be able to solve his problems if the only reason he is putting it aside is a reaction to your behavior. He probably thinks that he can make it all better for you, and when he sees that ultimately he can't - then that sends him down into a spiral of guilt and helplessness. You are drowning each other. Get help independently, and make yourselves stronger people - then you can take those new inner strengths and work toward a healthier relationship together. Your boyfriend needs to come to terms with his pornography use, but that is his responsibility. Not yours. He cannot be guilted into it. He cannot be bullied into it. He has to do it on his own, and has to be willing to do it. Imagine if he told you that if you loved him, you wouldn't be bipolar/depressed/passive-agressive anymore. Would you just be able to turn it off? NO! You need help. He needs help. Neither of you can provide the kind of help you need to each other right now. Go see your therapist. Tell him/her what is going on and be truthful about it - don't hide what you have been doing. Sometimes coming clean with your therapist particularly when you have signed that "I will not harm myself" contract can be very difficult. Don't hide it. Have him/her check your blood levels and adjust your medication if necessary. But whatever you do. Go talk to your therapist.
moimeme Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 Just wanted to add that it seems that women with bipolar count even more than do other women on having a boyfriend or husband to 'make them happy'. As the others have pointed out, this isn't the case and just places an undue burden on you both. Marriage will not cure any of your issues - if anything, it will add more. Please take care of yourself and get the help you badly need.
NiCoLe20 Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 oh boy oh boy!! ok how bout this... if u dont like him watching the porn...and ur actually thinking about suicide over this... find a new man!!! one that makes u feel wanted instead of the addiciton to porn...makes sense right?? also i know its a hard thing to go thru if you've been abused by a family member but i think you might need therapy to get over that so you can move ahead w/ your future... and suicide is defiinitly not worth it... theres so much more in life...especially when 21 comes around!!! party time!! lol jk but anyways if he doesnt make you 100% happy... either fix the problem w/ the porn or find someone else out there that wont do this to you... damn theres so many guys out there and your still young... dont get settled down now..are u nuts? im 20 and i dont wanna get married till im around 25/26 ... i want to meet new ppl... go out to clubs and stuff like that for a little longer before i want to commit to someone... if you guys end up in a divorce after 2 yrs arent u gonna feel like you wasted your time? while you couldve been w/ other people? see im trying to get this point across from you... try to talk to a therapist about your past...even if its only for a few sessions it will be worth it girl. dont cut urself...what the hell is the point? so u feel pain? thats really dumb honestly i wouldnt want to walk around w/ cut marks on my body...they leave marks-seriously talk to ur man - does he know ur cutting urself? i think he should b/c he's the reason for it.. if u cant get him to drop the porn, drop him...i dont know what more to say..u probably wont listen but i hope you do.. start a new chapter in ur life and stop w/ this cutting - depression stuff... u dont need to be stressing over nothing big at your...well our ages! lol we're young all we should be worried about is our future not about porn lol..cmon now...let me know what happens
morrigan Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 Anyone who has ever been the victim of sexual abuse should attempt to receive counselling, either with a therapist or in a group setting. There are people in their sixties and seventies who are still dealing with emotional scars left behind by rape or incest. Bottling it up inside you will not help you, it will come out in any relationship or marriage you may have if you don't try to get professional counselling and address those issues. http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/ovc/help/isa.htm has a list of various organizations for victims of sexual abuse. Marriage isn't a balm for emotional wounds. No man, no matter how much he loves you, can clear away what happened to you. Please seek professional help and take care of yourself.
tiki Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 Seek counseling immediately! Give this guy an ultimatum. If he breaks it, lose him for good. Be true to your word. If he can't understand what you've gone through with your history, you don't need to be with him. Be with someone that does. And that's the type of person you are willing to spend the rest of your life with.
SadAndLonely Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 I just turned 30 last week. Trust me, you don't shrivel up and turn into a hag. You have several issues, and none of them include your boyfriend looking at porn. 1. You're too young to get married, and marriage shouldn't even be one of your goals right now. Every 18-year old I know talks about how mature they are, and how they know what they want, and then, roughly 7-10 years later, they're realizing that they were nuts for thinking that. 2. Snagging and marrying a man should never be a goal. If you aren't complete as a person within yourself, you won't make a suitable wife anyway, and no decent man would want a woman who centered her life around him. 3. You need professional counseling more than you do a website, although we're all happy to help you. But even those of us who ARE licensed psychologists can't do much because we don't really know you. 4. With all due respect, and I don't say this to be man, no person is worth killing yourself over. You may think you have it rough, and it may seem rough, but there are people out there slugging it out who have it much worse than you. If they don't give up, why should you?
Sparky Posted December 8, 2004 Posted December 8, 2004 Scatter, I cannot describe how sorry I feel for you about your childhood. You are very strong. I too am 18, and I'm not a professional, but I can understand how you feel. I'll try my best to help you on this. First of all, I agree with everyone else: GET SOME THERAPY ABOUT YOUR DEPRESSION! Nothing is worth killing yourself over. I know you truely love this guy, and he loves you too, but given your situation, you CLEARLY shouldn't marry this guy just yet. You feel that you aren't good enough for him because he looks at porn. But you have to understand that men have very high sex drives, and all men have at least some interest in porn-related things, whether they want to admit it or not. It's in our hormones, and it can't be changed. He should get over his addiction before marriage, but it might take a while, like an addiction to smoking. I wish I could explain this more. After viewing your website, I have obtained a completely new view on pornography. It has affected me greatly, because I enjoy looking at porn. Not violent or rape porn. That's just disgusting! Clearly, you see pornography as an insult to sexual love. I am christian prodesent, and I know that sex is meant to express the love between two people, and I have never ignored that. There are some pretty disgusting pigs that call themselves men. They see women as creatures with no feelings and are only meant to be put on this earth to give men pleasure. That makes me sick! But pornography isn't all bad. Sure, it's an insult to sexual love, but it can be a way to create sexual fanasties for both men and women, or explore new ways in their sex life, for example. I'm not talking about the disgusting beastilation, raping, and S&M sh*t, but just a scene (or image) of two people casually having sex. Pornography isn't just for men. There are women who enjoy it too. View my thread "Girls into porn?". Pornography is mean to turn us on, and people enjoy being turned on. That's what makes it so powerful. What I'm saying is that not all pornography is bad. People decide how they want to look at it. Whether it's disgusting, outrageous, filth, or a new way of exploring your sexuality, IT'S THEIR CHOICE. I see the better pornography as a way to explore new ways of sex, creating new fantasies, and masturbation, which is very healthy for you (increases estrogen (good for bones and skin), increasing healing, a good workout, good for your heart, etc). When I was dating one girl, I was upfront and honest with her and told her that I enjoy looking at porn. She said she understood that I was a guy and I couldn't help that, and I believed her. It didn't bother her at all. We had a great time together. Our relationship didn't last very long, but we still had fun. We are still friends, after we broke up a year ago. Anyway, He loves you, and he doesn't want to lose you. But just remember, you two are still young. He can't help but be interested in this stuff, he's a man. You should feel confident about who you are and your sexuality. If he proposed to you, he clearly thinks you are a lot more to him than you think. Have you ever tried working this out with him? DON'T EVER FEEL THAT YOU HAVE TO END YOUR LIFE OVER THIS!! Please, see some conselling. I wish you the best. Let me know if there's anything I was wrong about, or misinterpreted.
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