hurtnomorerika Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Those who know my story here is a little update. About two weeks ago, I mailed my daughter's one month old picture to her dad's job. I mailed it certified, so I could track it and he would have to sign for it. I tracked it and found out that he refused it. He wouldnt even see what it was. Why, is he doing this? I know none of you have the answer, but Im just so confused. I dont understand his logic behind his behavior. Its almost as if he doesnt give a damn, if I lose it and tell his wife. Everyone that I talked to says the whole situation is crazy, because you would think he would have tried by now to have something to do with it to keep his wife from finding out. My childsupport appointment is in a few days, though, I wonder will he want to be involved with his daughter then. At this point I dont want him to Im scared he would hurt me or her. I dont want to take that chance.
cif Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Please stop protecting this man. His wife will find out once he gets served. Stop playng nice, it's time to look out for your daughter's best interest. 4
rumbleseat Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 This may sound cruel, but you need to stop this, and stop it now. Stop trying to force him to care when he doesn't. It's not good for you. It's tying you to someone who could care less, and keeping you in a place where you can't see the whole wide world that's laid out right in front of you. You are your new little girl have a lifetime together. A lifetime full of joy, tears, and pride in all she will accomplish alone and the two of you will accomplish together. As sad as it is, you can not force him to want to be a father to her. You are likely going to have to walk the road ahead of you without him. Is that really so bad?He is showing you by his actions that he doesn't wnat you in his life, and the same with his daughter. I know you're desperate to change that, but you can't. You need to let go. For both of you. He can ( and should) pay child support, but after that, there's not much you can do. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to make him care. Don't do that to yourself and your little girl. It's a waste of your precious time and emotional energy. Instead, surround yourself with people who love you, support you and will be there for you. 6
cif Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 At this point I dont want him to Im scared he would hurt me or her. I dont want to take that chance. You never know what the future holds. But once the W finds out expect the near future to be filled with turmoil. Be prepared. The wife will find out about the A AND a child in one go. Although we dont know what her initial reaction will be, it won't be pretty. Look out for yourself and your girl. That's what matters.
GypsumSatellite Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 He does this because this is him ignoring what he has done. This is him thinking he can refuse a picture and you (and the result of your time together) will somehow fade away. He hasn't accepted the fact he's done something that can't be undone. The only thing that truly matters at this point is you setting up the child support payments and him being financially responsible for a life he helped create. It doesn't matter if he wants to be in your life or his daughter's life. You take care of yourself and your kid. Let him handle the fallout from the legal proceedings. 1
Author hurtnomorerika Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 Please stop protecting this man. His wife will find out once he gets served. Stop playng nice, it's time to look out for your daughter's best interest. I dont think its so much that Im trying to protect him. Im trying to protect my kids and I. His actions so far, has made me feel that he's capable of anything. I dont want to risk him trying to physically hurt me or my kids. That's why I havent told his wife, trust me it has been very tempting. Especially since I have been furloughed due to the govt shutdown. He's over there living without care in the world while Im left here with the baby to tend to. You're right she will find out when the childsupport papers are served then its out of my hands.
cif Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 (edited) I dont think its so much that Im trying to protect him. Im trying to protect my kids and I. His actions so far, has made me feel that he's capable of anything. I dont want to risk him trying to physically hurt me or my kids. That's why I havent told his wife, trust me it has been very tempting. Especially since I have been furloughed due to the govt shutdown. He's over there living without care in the world while Im left here with the baby to tend to. You're right she will find out when the childsupport papers are served then its out of my hands. Mention this during the child support proceedings and you will be assigned a child protection services person that will help you when it comes to custody (assuming he will be fighting for some, if not then his loss). Sorry I'm not sure how it works exactly but they are almost always on the mother's side when concerned about abuse. Forget the wife she will find out soon. And like the previous poster said let him deal with the fallout. Just deal with them through the courts. Your best bet is to have as little contact with them as possible. Edited October 15, 2013 by cif
SunshineToday Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Hello- If you are going for child support you are opening the door for him to want to be a part of his daughters life. This means he may file for visitation and or shared custody, so be prepared for that. That means your daughter could be spending time with him and his BS. But if that is okay with you and not a concern, you also need to be prepared that he may be fine with writing a check and never once visiting or caring about your daughter. So you can offer him the chance to be a father, but you can't make him take it. I hope you do protect your daughter from all this ugliness. One day she will find out everything and that has to be hard for any child to know. Best of luck to you & your daughter!! 1
underwater2010 Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I am sad for you new baby that her biological father (and yes I used that term on purpose) wants nothing to do with her. I think you are doing the right thing by filing for child support. The only thing I would add is informing his BW before the papers come. It might ease the shock to her. Can I ask why exactly you fear him now but not before? Has he done anything in the past to make you fear him?
underwater2010 Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 PS Dad and father are a verb. They are earned by men that take care of the children, whether biological, adopted or step parenting. This man is not the dad of your baby....he is for all intensive purposes a sperm donor. 2
hollyhillcourt Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 You are in way over your head. Time to turn this over to a lawyer. And what I mean is, you aren't thinking rationally and you need someone who is neutral to act in your best interests. Your case worker in Child Support Enforcement will be someone you can chat with but you need to get your Village together like, yesterday and circle the wagons.
Author hurtnomorerika Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 I am sad for you new baby that her biological father (and yes I used that term on purpose) wants nothing to do with her. I think you are doing the right thing by filing for child support. The only thing I would add is informing his BW before the papers come. It might ease the shock to her. Can I ask why exactly you fear him now but not before? Has he done anything in the past to make you fear him? Well he was never violent towards me during our 1 1/2 year long "relationship" so I had no reason to fear him at that time. He never even raised his voice. His behavior since I told him about the pregnancy has made me question what he could possibly do to me if/when everyone finds out about his cheating. A friend of mine emailed me an article about Richmond Phillips. An married cop who killed his mistress and their 11 month old daughter. When I read it it sounded so much like my situation. He left his mistress just like my mm left and he just popped up one day before child support court. I do have enough semse to know not to meet him anywhere though. My mind is thinking of everything that could possibly happen.
Author hurtnomorerika Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 I am sad for you new baby that her biological father (and yes I used that term on purpose) wants nothing to do with her. I think you are doing the right thing by filing for child support. The only thing I would add is informing his BW before the papers come. It might ease the shock to her. Can I ask why exactly you fear him now but not before? Has he done anything in the past to make you fear him? You're right he is ONLY her biological father. I get so many different advice from people about whether I should contact his wife. Some say tell her she should know, what's going on. Then some say leave her out of it, she has nothing to do with. She doesnt have anything to do with what ya'll did. So the whole telling his wife thing just leaves me confused. I would call her but I dont want to be accused of causing drama and she could say Im harassing and bothering her. Im going through enough, I dont need that added stress.
underwater2010 Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 You're right he is ONLY her biological father. I get so many different advice from people about whether I should contact his wife. Some say tell her she should know, what's going on. Then some say leave her out of it, she has nothing to do with. She doesnt have anything to do with what ya'll did. So the whole telling his wife thing just leaves me confused. I would call her but I dont want to be accused of causing drama and she could say Im harassing and bothering her. Im going through enough, I dont need that added stress. It doesn't have to be drama. Just simply I had your husband's baby and I am applying for child support. Just thought I would let you know before the paperwork comes through. Short, simple and easy. You cannot be accused of harassment if she doesn't even know at this point. 1
underwater2010 Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 You're right he is ONLY her biological father. I get so many different advice from people about whether I should contact his wife. Some say tell her she should know, what's going on. Then some say leave her out of it, she has nothing to do with. She doesnt have anything to do with what ya'll did. So the whole telling his wife thing just leaves me confused. I would call her but I dont want to be accused of causing drama and she could say Im harassing and bothering her. Im going through enough, I dont need that added stress. The funny part about her having nothing to do with is that the child support will affect her household income. Her and her kids have everything to with this the minute you got pregnant and chose to keep the child. It would be different if you had just walked away and raised the child without needing child support, but it does not sound like you are in that position.
Author hurtnomorerika Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 The funny part about her having nothing to do with is that the child support will affect her household income. Her and her kids have everything to with this the minute you got pregnant and chose to keep the child. It would be different if you had just walked away and raised the child without needing child support, but it does not sound like you are in that position. No, Im not in the position to raise the child without the support and even if I was he was still going to be put on childsupport regardless. I am walking away hell I walked away, but he is going to take care of his child whether he does it willing or is made to do it. His wife has something to do with it on his behalf not mine, I dont have to deal with her. No one is going to MAKE me deal with her, either.
whichwayisup Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Those who know my story here is a little update. About two weeks ago, I mailed my daughter's one month old picture to her dad's job. I mailed it certified, so I could track it and he would have to sign for it. I tracked it and found out that he refused it. He wouldnt even see what it was. Why, is he doing this? I know none of you have the answer, but Im just so confused. I dont understand his logic behind his behavior. Its almost as if he doesnt give a damn, if I lose it and tell his wife. Everyone that I talked to says the whole situation is crazy, because you would think he would have tried by now to have something to do with it to keep his wife from finding out. My childsupport appointment is in a few days, though, I wonder will he want to be involved with his daughter then. At this point I dont want him to Im scared he would hurt me or her. I dont want to take that chance. Your emotions are not allowing you to see what is reality here. This man is not interested in you, the baby, he doesn't want anything to do with you which is why he refused the package he received. Sorry but you can't force him in your life or his baby's life if he is not wanting to be a part of it. 1
whichwayisup Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 No, Im not in the position to raise the child without the support and even if I was he was still going to be put on childsupport regardless. I am walking away hell I walked away, but he is going to take care of his child whether he does it willing or is made to do it. His wife has something to do with it on his behalf not mine, I dont have to deal with her. No one is going to MAKE me deal with her, either. IF he chooses to be a part of the baby's life, she is part of this, so you're going to have to accept her being around on some level. What if he wants shared custody? His wife will be around. You can't stop that.
ladydesigner Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 It doesn't have to be drama. Just simply I had your husband's baby and I am applying for child support. Just thought I would let you know before the paperwork comes through. Short, simple and easy. You cannot be accused of harassment if she doesn't even know at this point. This is very good advice. I would let the BS know as well. This is a HUGE betrayal to her. I know if my WH had a child with any of his OW his bags would be packed for sure. There is no way I could handle an OC (other child).
Author hurtnomorerika Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 Here is the thing though: You don't really have a decision in the matter. Now it is one thing if this is a breaking point for their marriage, and they decide to separate. Then, yeah, obviously you won't have to deal with her. But it is another thing if they reconcile. Because once they decide to reconcile then they are the team that is working against YOU. So if he says: "I want nothing to do with her, go through my wife" guess what... you will probably have to go through the wife. If he decides to fight for visitation don't think it is going to just be you and MM. Nope, it will more than likely be him and Wifey, and they will be acting as one unit. This is a HUGE possibility that you need to face. You can stomp and shout and say "I won't put up with this" but it is not your choice to make, unless you decide to not go after CS OR they split up. You have little to no control over how they will decide things. Expect the unexpected. No, actually where I live the childsupport is garnished from the paycheck directly onto the card. Therefore, I dont have to deal with him or his wife when comes to that point. Im a grown woman what they gonna do come hold a gun to my head tell me hey you have to let them take your child. He can fight for visitation, but I highly doubt he will. I honestly dont want him too. No one can MAKE you do anything.
Author hurtnomorerika Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 Your emotions are not allowing you to see what is reality here. This man is not interested in you, the baby, he doesn't want anything to do with you which is why he refused the package he received. Sorry but you can't force him in your life or his baby's life if he is not wanting to be a part of it. I understand that, he doesnt want any part of it. Im ok with that. He has God to answer too. Ill let him do just that. Thanks for your reply.
Author hurtnomorerika Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 Except the courts. Unless you like to be in contempt. You said he wasn't violent before,never even raised a voice, but now you are worried. So if you are questioning his character as a whole, why are you so sure he won't fight to see his child? You don't know. We'll see when that time comes. He hasnt been around all this time, why would he fight then? Do you work for the courts? Are you a childsupport caseworker? As for now, Im concerned about child's welfare and I'll do ANYTHING to protect her to the end. Say what you want, I really dont care at this point.
ladydesigner Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I am wondering, couldn't the OP file for child support and have him sign over his rights to the child? I understand that protective feeling OP, that is the mama bear in us. I would do ANYTHING for my kids.
Author hurtnomorerika Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 I am wondering, couldn't the OP file for child support and have him sign over his rights to the child? I understand that protective feeling OP, that is the mama bear in us. I would do ANYTHING for my kids. Thanks, thats a good question for me to look into. I know that someday my daughter just MIGHT have to come in contact with her. I dont know the lady, but I do know that people are doing everything nowadays. Children are always getting hurt and I dont want to turn baby loose to them unless the courts make me. It is the protectiveness that mothers feel, my baby had nothing to do with none of this. Thanks, atleast somebody understands. Im not trying to keep her away out of spite, I just dont want to regret it later. If something happened to my kids because of my stupid mistake, I wouldnt be able to live anymore. What if she tried to hurt my baby to retaliate against me and the MM. I would DIE! I know I maybe exagerating but Im thinking of everything.
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