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Thought I was ready to be "friendly" with my ex. Thought wrong :-/

Never Again

By Never Again
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Never Again Established Member

Never Again

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My ex and I were both invited to a wedding recently. I've been reflecting on it, and I'm actually kind of proud of myself.

 

My natural defense mechanism is to act like a fool, so I had everyone laughing, including her.

 

She kept circling around and trying to get close to me. At one everyone joined hands and she grabbed mine, but didn't let go when everyone else walked away. She asked to have the last dance with me.

 

However, despite all this...I didn't feel any pain or longing. It was gone. Don't get me wrong, I'm still interested and attracted to her, but the heartbreak has left the building. It was such a weird, calming feeling. I mean, for crying out loud, she held my hand for 5 minutes and....nothing. I didn't feel an ounce of sadness.

 

I think I'm 90% healed. Thank you all for being supportive and providing insights. I'll be sticking around, but wanted to extend my gratitude.

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mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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My ex and I were both invited to a wedding recently. I've been reflecting on it, and I'm actually kind of proud of myself.

 

My natural defense mechanism is to act like a fool, so I had everyone laughing, including her.

 

She kept circling around and trying to get close to me. At one everyone joined hands and she grabbed mine, but didn't let go when everyone else walked away. She asked to have the last dance with me.

 

However, despite all this...I didn't feel any pain or longing. It was gone. Don't get me wrong, I'm still interested and attracted to her, but the heartbreak has left the building. It was such a weird, calming feeling. I mean, for crying out loud, she held my hand for 5 minutes and....nothing. I didn't feel an ounce of sadness.

 

I think I'm 90% healed. Thank you all for being supportive and providing insights. I'll be sticking around, but wanted to extend my gratitude.

 

Congrats... How long have you been post BU? NC?

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Never Again Established Member

Never Again

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Congrats... How long have you been post BU? NC?

 

Post BU: 4 months

 

It's been very limited contact:

 

- one week NC, then she texted me

- after that text, we went a 1.5 weeks, then she texted again

- after 2 more weeks, I texted her to wish her luck for a big event

- then a full month, until she breadcrumbed me on my birthday

- three more weeks, then she calls me crying

- two more weeks, then the wedding

 

The contact made the healing process take longer, but I tolerates it because I wanted the wedding to be okay for our friends. It was, and now it's over!

JDPT Established Member

JDPT

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You put it all on the line, very risky move but I'm glad it worked out for you. Continue to take advantage of this positive momentum.

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Never Again Established Member

Never Again

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You put it all on the line, very risky move but I'm glad it worked out for you. Continue to take advantage of this positive momentum.

 

Well, I plan on keeping my own personal momentum going. Feeling better and finish the healing process.

 

One thing that did stick out to me: she approached me for the last dance, and was comfortable enough to let me wipe eyelashes off her face (I felt silly the second I started doing it, but it was almost like a reflex...and she just laughed and let me), but she refused to maintain eye contact for more than a second. She'd look at me briefly, look around at nothing, repeat. I don't know why she (the dumper) would refuse to keep eye contact while talking. I feel like I made her more uncomfortable than she made me.

 

Either that, or she was afraid I'd try to kiss her. Which, um, NO.

BigGirlPantiesOn Established Member

BigGirlPantiesOn

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Im happy for you. Very risky indeed. Don't be surprised if at some point you fall back a little. Its natural and normal, so keep that in mind. You will regain the momentum and continue on.

 

Why did she break up?

headinthecloud Established Member

headinthecloud

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Amazing job but BigGirlPantiesOn is right, you may have a relapse and that's ok - totally normal.

 

How's the dating life otherwise, is there a new girl on the horizon?

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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Well, I plan on keeping my own personal momentum going. Feeling better and finish the healing process.

 

One thing that did stick out to me: she approached me for the last dance, and was comfortable enough to let me wipe eyelashes off her face (I felt silly the second I started doing it, but it was almost like a reflex...and she just laughed and let me), but she refused to maintain eye contact for more than a second. She'd look at me briefly, look around at nothing, repeat. I don't know why she (the dumper) would refuse to keep eye contact while talking. I feel like I made her more uncomfortable than she made me.

 

Either that, or she was afraid I'd try to kiss her. Which, um, NO.

 

 

If I know women (and I don't) my GUESS is that if she would have made significant eye contact with you, she would have started crying. So, she was trying to save herself the embarrassment.

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Never Again Established Member

Never Again

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If I know women (and I don't) my GUESS is that if she would have made significant eye contact with you, she would have started crying. So, she was trying to save herself the embarrassment.

 

I mean, maybe? I guess I'm not sure why she'd cry at this point. I know weddings are emotionally charged, but she did dump me after all.

 

Though I would've taken crying over her Ray Charles like head weaving.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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I can see it. You two were at a wedding where two people just committed to each other for the rest of their lives. And the fact that you were there and being the life of the party and having a good time. You were a reminder of what she threw away. And, on top of everything else, you have been completely civil.

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Never Again Established Member

Never Again

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Amazing job but BigGirlPantiesOn is right, you may have a relapse and that's ok - totally normal.

 

How's the dating life otherwise, is there a new girl on the horizon?

 

I'm hoping to not relapse, but I know it's a possibility. I've still got embers of the old fire within me...but I got to that point where I WANT her but don't NEED her. It pulled all the pain right out, but if those feelings worm their way back in...well I'll deal with that if it happens.

 

No new girl. Been on a few dates - not many, and made it very clear I'm not interested in getting into anything serious right now.

 

This relationship was a big deal to me. I won't turn down anything great the comes my way, but I'm not out looking. I'm using this time for myself and making absolutely sure that I'm happy and comfortable on my own.

 

If I get into anything with even a sliver of my ex left in my heart...well it wouldn't be fair to the other person, and would eat me alive.

 

I have a weird pattern of going about a year between relationships. It's served me pretty well so far.

Edited by Pfenixphire
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mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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This relationship was a big deal to me.

 

Then be very, very cautious over the next little while. Not to shoot down your success, but based on what you describe, being 90%, 80%, 70% or even 50% healed at this point (4 months BU with LC) is very unlikely. That's why I asked you about your timeline.

 

I only say this as something to be wary of in case you start to fill crappy again, especially after contact. Hope I am wrong!!!

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Never Again Established Member

Never Again

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I can see it. You two were at a wedding where two people just committed to each other for the rest of their lives. And the fact that you were there and being the life of the party and having a good time. You were a reminder of what she threw away. And, on top of everything else, you have been completely civil.

 

Would that really bring her to tears?

 

I mean, she made the decision to throw me away. I guess I just have a hard time believe that she'd still be emotionally invested enough to cry over tossing me away.

 

Then again, I was being a loon. The wedding photographer loved me for no apparent reason, and accidentally made it weird by comparing me, both in looks and mannerisms, to her favorite actor (he had no prior knowledge of this) which is something she always used to do.

 

For the record, I was more than civil haha...I was probably TOO nice. I sent her a letter two weeks before the wedding just to extend an olive branch so things weren't weird. I told her that I had seen her side of things a long time ago, saw how the breakup was the best decision at the time because we both had personal things we needed to figure out, that I'd always think positively of her, but that "friends" wasn't on the table. She thanked me up and down for that letter, both the day she got it and at the wedding.

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Never Again Established Member

Never Again

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Then be very, very cautious over the next little while. Not to shoot down your success, but based on what you describe, being 90%, 80%, 70% or even 50% healed at this point (4 months BU with LC) is very unlikely. That's why I asked you about your timeline.

 

I only say this as something to be wary of in case you start to fill crappy again, especially after contact. Hope I am wrong!!!

 

I appreciate the concern and the warning, and because you've mentioned it I'll try to do whatever I can to keep my head above water.

 

I don't plan on having contact from here on out. You may be right...I may be overestimating how much I've healed, and maybe the feelings are just delayed. I'll be careful.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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Okay, so now is the hard part. You indicated that the wedding was the only thing keeping you linked to her. That you had to do LC in order to have the wedding go off without a hitch, and that you two were civil and didn't make things weird for the Bride and Groom.

 

The wedding is now over. No reason to be tied to her. Are you going hard NC now?

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Never Again Established Member

Never Again

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Im happy for you. Very risky indeed. Don't be surprised if at some point you fall back a little. Its natural and normal, so keep that in mind. You will regain the momentum and continue on.

 

Why did she break up?

 

I was given lots of reasons, and it all came around a really stressful time for both of us. Her career suddenly exploded and she was nominated for the biggest award in her field, and my job drained me of energy and left me tired a lot. Neither of us was the person we REALLY were, the people we were when we started dating...but I knew that was just the temporary result of stress.

 

Some of the reasons she gave (while sobbing):

 

- We got too close to fast, then slowed down

- We started dating too soon after her last boyfriend (who was a total ass) dumped her

- There was an "energy thing that wasn't meshing anymore"

- She didn't know what she wanted from life anymore....where her career was going, if she wanted to ever get married or have kids, and was afraid we might be incompatible when she figured it out

 

It pretty much came down to the fact that she didn't feel the romantic connection as strongly as she thought she should even though she loved me "SO much". She had a lot of expectations on how she should feel and when she should feel that way.

 

Near as I can tell, she wasn't feeling that rush of being "in love" anymore. Wasn't feeling the butterflies in her tummy and didn't "miss me enough" when she was away on business trips (she admitted to missing me and constantly thinking of me, but thought it should be more intense).

 

I guess this means that either:

 

- The stress and lack of energy on my part lowered her interest/attraction to me

- The honeymoon period and ended and we were getting "serious" and she couldn't handle that (she's 27, but all of her previous relationships have been approximately a year in length. She's never had a real LTR).

- Her feelings really did change and she just wasn't interested in me romantically anymore.

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Never Again Established Member

Never Again

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Okay, so now is the hard part. You indicated that the wedding was the only thing keeping you linked to her. That you had to do LC in order to have the wedding go off without a hitch, and that you two were civil and didn't make things weird for the Bride and Groom.

 

The wedding is now over. No reason to be tied to her. Are you going hard NC now?

 

I plan to.

 

At least, I won't be initiating any contact. If this wedding made her realize something, it's up to her to do something about it.

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Never Again Established Member

Never Again

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Nevermind haha, there's the minor backslide.

 

Nothing huge, just getting a minor "I miss her" feeling.

 

Patted myself on the back too soon.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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LOL! That's gonna happen dude. You just (indirectly) spent an evening in her presence. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel something.

cavalier99 Established Member

cavalier99

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Nevermind haha, there's the minor backslide.

 

Nothing huge, just getting a minor "I miss her" feeling.

 

Patted myself on the back too soon.

 

This is going f*ck with you for a bit it think. Sounds like you handled evething well but it might get a little worse before it gets better. No big deal but just be prepared. Cav

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Never Again Established Member

Never Again

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LOL! That's gonna happen dude. You just (indirectly) spent an evening in her presence. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel something.

 

Haha, true.

 

I refuse to continue my own suffering here. She's spending the weekend on a business trip with the guy from across the country she's infatuated with. Doesn't bother me...but is nice proof to move along.

 

I'm glad I handled myself the way I did, though there's a stupid part of me that wishes I sacked up and made a move just to see how she'd respond lol

 

This is going f*ck with you for a bit it think. Sounds like you handled evething well but it might get a little worse before it gets better. No big deal but just be prepared. Cav

 

Yeah. I hid any awkwardness, but her actions will dig at me I'm sure. Especially the whole hand-holding and asking me to dance while avoiding eye contact thing lol. I'm not reading into it and I'm not seeing any signs of interest, but mixed signals piss me off haha

Edited by Pfenixphire
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Never Again Established Member

Never Again

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So, I'm recovering from a minor relapse I had from a few days ago that I made a post about.

 

The "signals" I got were weak and incidental (ex held my hand for no apparent reason. Wanted to dance with me at a wedding, etc), so I'm not assuming anything...but it got me wondering:

 

How often are mixed signals real, and how often are the dumped just looking for signs that aren't there?

 

I know I've been guilty of the latter. I'm sure some dumpers send mixed signals either by incident or design (to string someone along), but I feel like it's more common for the dumpee to see what's not there out of hope.

 

Thoughts?

c.jude Member

c.jude

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So, I'm recovering from a minor relapse I had from a few days ago that I made a post about.

 

The "signals" I got were weak and incidental (ex held my hand for no apparent reason. Wanted to dance with me at a wedding, etc), so I'm not assuming anything...but it got me wondering:

 

How often are mixed signals real, and how often are the dumped just looking for signs that aren't there?

 

I know I've been guilty of the latter. I'm sure some dumpers send mixed signals either by incident or design (to string someone along), but I feel like it's more common for the dumpee to see what's not there out of hope.

 

Thoughts?

I think it varies. But most of the time I think the dumper does give off hints and the dumpee is so oblivious and blinded by love that they don't pick up on it. It isn't till they're actually dumped until they start to pick everything apart.

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Never Again Established Member

Never Again

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I think it varies. But most of the time I think the dumper does give off hints and the dumpee is so oblivious and blinded by love that they don't pick up on it. It isn't till they're actually dumped until they start to pick everything apart.

 

I meant mixed signals AFTER the breakup (about potential interest or the opportunity for a second chance), but that's a good point too.

 

Though I can say my ex gave no real hints before we broke up. Even my picking it apart hadn't revealed anything.

Antares Established Member

Antares

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Of course. Because sometimes the Dumper doesn't know exactly why they're doing the dumping...they just know that they WANT to be out of the relationship. Some give excuses that mean nothing, they're just excuses to get out of the R. Sometimes others really are conflicted.

 

Mine broke up with me in May, saying it wasn't working/it was too much work. It was a quick relationship, so I understood. I went NC immediately.

 

3 months later she started texting me - after a family tragedy. We got right back into our rhythm - fun, light, teasing, etc. We finally had a phone call a month later and talked for a couple of hours. We joked around, she told me about how her family was, we teased each other a bit. She brought up the relationship and asked if I was seeing anyone. Want to know what she said to me next?

 

HER:

I missed you.

I cried.

I wanted to speak to you everyday.

I thought about you always.

I told myself that I couldn't talk to you.

 

ME: I asked her so where does that leave us. She started to very lightly cry and she said:

 

HER:

I never felt completely at ease with you. (weird, huh? Since I'm the first person she went to after her family had that tragic event)

Your confidence made me feel shy.

I know that we can't be 'just friends'

I think it's best if we just go our own separate ways.

We should go forward, not back.

 

Kind of conflicting, eh?

 

In the end, it doesn't really matter. Sure, analyzing the relationship is good so that you can grow and become a better person. But at the end of the day, the breaking up action is NOT a mixed signal; she wanted out, so she broke up.

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