come and kick me up the backside!

October 15, 2013

Lol...this may get moved to coping but posted it here so I'd get responses from those that had read my previous threads.

Having a pathetic 24 hours...OK so its only been 6 days since I last contacted my ex but I was doing so well, I thought.

I've been trying to remind myself its over for good and there's no going back, ive started to teach myself polish and also to play a Tchaikovsky piece on the piano (sufficiently difficult to take a while to master and therefore distract me!) but I haven't wanted to contact him.

I've been slightly sad that it came to this, but nothing more than that.

Then yesterday afternoon just after collecting my children from school, I happened to look out of my window at the traffic (I do that a lot, I like to people watch) and he drove past in his van...I know he usually finishes around 5pm so tend to avoid my window at that time of day, but this was 3.30 so totally wasn't expecting it.

Since then, my mind has been preoccupied with the fact it looked like he had a blonde woman sitting next to him in the brief glimpse I caught. This morning I unblocked his Facebook profile and saw he updated his profile picture at 6pm yesterday, which is something he seems to only do when there is a new woman on the scene.

Why do I care?

All of a sudden an hour ago I got this urge to text him saying I saw the woman in his van...I haven't and won't, but why did this knot my stomach so badly and why can't I stop thinking about it?

Its pathetic...feel free to agree :-(

October 15, 2013

You don't need a kick up the backside. Infact, you need a hug and a pat on the back for staying strong and resisting the urge to contact him. I'm proud of your self-restrain.

Why do you care? You love the man. You're not a machine. Anyone would have a jealous flare-up seeing someone that they love with another. It's normal to feel these intense emotions, AS LONG as you DON'T act on it.

October 15, 2013

Thanks Zahara. And look! I'm still in my own house and haven't gone traipsing over to his place like I would have before. Yay for slight steps towards sanity!

I admit though, it did cross my mind and the reasons I quickly put that thought out of my mind were A) it wouldn't do any good and B) I didn't want to ruin it if there was a woman there with him.

I do care about him and really wish there was a way of sorting things in the future...if I'm honest, I was thinking of paying back the money I cost him when I stressed him out too much to complete his course, just posting the money through his van window (he leaves it open and parks in a car park I have to go through on a Friday) with a note saying if he'd doesnt want the money, to give it to charity rather than back to me. By the time I've saved it, it will have been 7 weeks of no contact...I was hoping I could then maybe phone him after is paid him back and see how he is.

Is there any chance my idea might go down OK with him?

Oh...look there I go again.

Well yes, I do still have hope I haven't totally ruined it. Maybe that will fade in time.

October 15, 2013

Yes, little steps and that's all you can do when you're trying to heal. In time, you'll be making big strides. You just need time.

About the money. This is the thing that is going to turn those little steps into steps backwards. You're already planning ways to make contact and coming up with ideas as to how to make contact. Not good. You should be focusing on spending at least 6 months with strict NC.

And there is no need to pay the man back. He's a grown man. You think we go around paying back exes for things that they invested during the relationship when it all goes bust. No. Some things you just let go.

Honestly, blaming you for not being able to finish his course? I have a feeling he was gaslighting you to make you feel bad. Maybe then you'd leave him alone. I have a feeling he was trying to make you see how bad you were behaving. He didn't finish his course, because HE didn't finish his course. I have a girlfriend going through a divorce and she's still working on finishing her degree.

Please invest a minimum of 6 months in your healing. After that, evaluate how you feel. Then make your decision from there.

Edited October 15, 2013 by Zahara

October 15, 2013

Well I did say that to him at the time...he had asked for 2 weeks nc at the time and I had given him 9 or 10 days...so then he had a go saying it wasn't the full 14 days...

BUT he was telling me he was really stressed by my going over there so often and he couldn't calm down enough to concentrate on the course.

I'm one of these people that wouldn't feel right knowing I'd cost someone money and not paid it back...not just him, I'm like it with everyone.

I know logically, in 6 months I maybe won't care what he thinks or me or whether he wants to speak to me again, but what if I do? What if it gets to April and I'm still wanting to see or speak to him? And he might still hate me.

October 15, 2013

Well, it's great that you feel that way but it's not worth the risk and cost of your emotional health and well-being. Anything that relates to him, should be put to rest until you have spent a significant amount of time trying to detach yourself. It's one thing if he asked for the money and is expecting it, he's not. In that sense, let that sleeping dog lie.

If you still feel affected, then you invest another 6 months in your healing. You invest as much time as you need to find your indifference. But lets not jump the gun. What you need to do is make a commitment to yourself that you will invest 6 months and evaluate when you get there. A lot can happen in 6 months. Who knows...you may even meet someone new! Then all of this would be irrelevant.

If you get to 6 months, and you still feel you want to contact him, it doesn't mean that you should. It only means you should keep going forward.

October 15, 2013

I do care about him and really wish there was a way of sorting things in the future...if I'm honest, I was thinking of paying back the money I cost him when I stressed him out too much to complete his course, just posting the money through his van window (he leaves it open and parks in a car park I have to go through on a Friday) with a note saying if he'd doesnt want the money, to give it to charity rather than back to me. By the time I've saved it, it will have been 7 weeks of no contact...I was hoping I could then maybe phone him after is paid him back and see how he is.

Wanting to pay this money back all goes back to the fact that your self esteem is in the toilet. I think this money is better spent on reading two books that have helped me tremendously in dealing with my own issues with self esteem.

"Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" and "The No Contact Rule" by Natalie Lue.

She also runs a website that has been very helpful to me and has helped me to take steps to regain my confidence and understand what I am grieving over. I think these books would be worth your time.

October 15, 2013

I'll second BC1980. Go to her website...baggagereclaim.co.uk.

Read, read, and then read some more.

October 15, 2013

I'll second BC1980. Go to her website...baggagereclaim.co.uk.

Read, read, and then read some more.

I wish I had found that website earlier. It would have saved me a lot of pain and bad decisions.

October 15, 2013

I wish I had found that website earlier. It would have saved me a lot of pain and bad decisions.

I had the same thoughts after dealing with the last asshat.

October 16, 2013

Thanks for the website recommendation but umm...I've been reading and re reading that website for the past 2 or 3 months.

Unfortunately I don't think my ex is any one of those men...would be easier if he was. He keels telling me he had genuine feelings and tried so hard but I keep pushing him away and hurting him...and I'm inclined to agree.

I did phone him in the end last night...I'm an idiot. He said (after a bit of me asking why he has to hold all this against me) that for any chance of anything I have to give him some peace, he will come and see me in 4 weeks but at this moment in time, he can't ever imagine wanting to talk to or see me again.

Those negative statements were clear but the agreement to come and see me in 4 weeks...even though he doesn't want to...filled me with more false hope.

At least I can see how pathetic that is I suppose...

So you're right, nc until I don't care anymore.

October 16, 2013

So he told you he cannot imagine wanting to talk to you again.

Please don't show up unannounced like you have done many times in the past.

Just leave him be. He likely tells these new women that he had a crazy ex.

Don't be that women anymore.

Please commit to regular therapy and self help books.

Forget about him. NC. No way around it.

October 16, 2013

Well yes, but the way he worded it was "I want to keep an open mind but everytime I have, you've acted badly and hurt me and stressed me out. I don't know what will happen in 4 months time but at this moment in time I feel like I never want to see you again...if you had simply said if I ever fancy seeing you again to get in touch then I might have wanted to see you in less than 4 weeks or it might have been longer, but it would have been because I wanted to see you and not because your forced me into it. You won't let me remember any positives as every time i see you, you piss me off. You keep on about being friends, but you've never just asked how I am. You keep bring in up the past, friends don't do that".

That was actually a few sentences I've compressed into one...but I know nc is all I can do.

I'm definitely not going to go to his place again, the thought that he might be worrying that its me every time his dog barks kills me, and I'm pleased I actually managed to take that tiny step last night and stay in my own house...OK I contacted him but I stayed put, so time to restart the nc .

Edited October 16, 2013 by gothicrose

October 16, 2013

Wait, you contacted this guy again? Come on.

October 16, 2013

sigh.

He has told you several times to leave him alone.

What he means is, he can see why he liked you initially, but you turning up unannounced and harassing him when he asked you to leave you alone has put him right off, but he liked you enough to hit you up again ONE DAY if you LEAVE HIM ALONE.

You know, he actually sounded like he would have contacted you again, had you left him alone MONTHS ago. Seriously, it sounds like he would have contacted you.

I think it's too late. I am not sure if he will ever contact you again if you left him.

I have a gut feeling he would reach out to see how you're doing, but he prob wouldn't want to invest anything in you in the future due to you acting like a crazed lunatic.

October 16, 2013

Yes simon, I did...yesterday.

Total slip up, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it, I kept enough self control to not contact him the day I thought I saw someone in his van with him as he drove past, and I didn't go over to his place; no I don't deserve a medal for acting by vaguely human standards of self restraint but compared to how I'd usually act, one phone call was good for me.

Leigh - well knowing what he's like and how he doesn't like to hate people, I know he will contact me if I contacted him first, but I don't think he would reach out first.

I'm on the Ptfa at my child's school...which is where this guy works...and am in school a lot between now and December, helping out on school trips, planting flowers in the grounds etc, so while I will try to avoid him, I may bump into him. He's said he will say hi if he sees me but that's it, so I don't know.

I do want him to be able to see that the way I acted wasn't me, but just a really bad reaction to circumstances, but I know all I can do is leave him be as you said.

And get myself to the point where I don't care anyway :-)

October 16, 2013

It was no slip up. You wanted to contact him. It's what you do. It's what you've been trained to do. Pester, push, provoke, persist. That is what you do. I just don't know why you don't see that at some point you really become a point of annoyance and everything emotional that the person feels for you diminishes. You keep digging your own hole and the deeper you dig, the better. That's what you're doing.

You didn't call him when you saw him with the woman but you eventually did. Big achievement. Nope. Who cares if it took you one day or a week to contact him. You achieved nothing because it's not once, twice, three, four times that you insist on busting down doors but you consistently choose to engage in the same type of behavior resisting any attempt on your part to at least push for change and break the pattern.

I don't think this is the only man that will make you react this way. I believe your self-esteem is so broken that any man that rejects you will send you off the charts. You've been a product of an abusive relationship in the past and you'll continue with this until you decide to seek help. There is a reason why you react so adversely to rejection.

And the baggagereclaim site isn't all about emotionally unavailable men. There are articles about improving your self-esteem, being smart when it comes to dating, how to spot the red flags, etc.

Edited October 16, 2013 by Zahara

October 16, 2013

Yes simon, I did...yesterday.

Total slip up, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it, I kept enough self control to not contact him the day I thought I saw someone in his van with him as he drove past, and I didn't go over to his place; no I don't deserve a medal for acting by vaguely human standards of self restraint but compared to how I'd usually act, one phone call was good for me.

Leigh - well knowing what he's like and how he doesn't like to hate people, I know he will contact me if I contacted him first, but I don't think he would reach out first.

I'm on the Ptfa at my child's school...which is where this guy works...and am in school a lot between now and December, helping out on school trips, planting flowers in the grounds etc, so while I will try to avoid him, I may bump into him. He's said he will say hi if he sees me but that's it, so I don't know.

I do want him to be able to see that the way I acted wasn't me, but just a really bad reaction to circumstances, but I know all I can do is leave him be as you said.

And get myself to the point where I don't care anyway :-)

Honestly, I think you might need to beat yourself up a bit. Because you trying to spin it positively (at least I didn't contact him immediately after I saw him) isn't working and is you, again, justifying your inappropriate behavior. You always say "Well I was good this time because I didn't go to his house unannounced" or something like that, but guess what? You still screw up. You still show little to no self-control.

The "at least I didn't do this" is great if you are 6 years old and trying to wean yourself off sucking your thumb. But you are an adult that is in charge of the well-being of a child. This "at least" attempt to spin things positively doesn't fly and, in your case, isn't working for you at all. You try to diminish the degree of your screw-up to rationalize continuing this behavior. It's your pattern. And it's a pattern that need to stop. It's well past being acceptable.

October 16, 2013

Not at all.

It was a mistake, but its done.Beating myself up over it won't change the fact, all I can do is try not to make the same mistake again.

I was at parents evening earlier and he walked through...I'd been worried I might pass him in the corridor but luckily didnt, but I saw someone walk into the hall out of the corner of my eye, looked over naturally as you do and it was him. I don't know if he saw me before I spotted him but I looked away straight away and managed to concentrate on what the teacher was telling me about my child...not so long ago thoughts of him being in the room would've consumed me.

So I am making slight progress, I know I am.

October 16, 2013

Simon is right. You minimize your actions and when you justify it in your head as "it wasn't so bad" it creates a pattern whereby you avoid having any deep self-reflection into what you're doing and accepting the severity of your actions. In a sense you brainwash yourself. It's almost as if you're in denial.

It was not a mistake. Once, twice...mistake. You've done so much damage that this cannot be considered a mistake. This was you wanting to do what you always do. Take ownership of that.

I hope you stick to your guns this time. No more "mistakes". You have to at some point realize that being hit on the head over and over with a hammer hurts.

October 16, 2013

Apart from the fact that its killing me that I had a chance of something potentially good and I smashed it to pieces bit by bit.

The man I love, is indifferent towards me. I am a stranger to him, and it hurts.

So no, I'm not in denial at all...I know what I've done, I just internalise it.

October 16, 2013

Apart from the fact that its killing me that I had a chance of something potentially good and I smashed it to pieces bit by bit.

The man I love, is indifferent towards me. I am a stranger to him, and it hurts.

So no, I'm not in denial at all...I know what I've done, I just internalise it.

I know you are in pain.

In time when you can think with a clearer mind, you will be able to analyze this and realize that even if he decided to be with you, "potentially good" would be a far reach because he is emotionally unhealthy and so are you. You can't see that now because you are in an emotional fog.

October 16, 2013

He was fine.

He treated me with love, and respect, and i was impatient and pushed him away.

I wasn't even interested in him in that way when I first met him, then when I started to develop feelings I could handle it.

He's not emotionally unhealthy - he will find someone thats truly right for him and it will work out.

Just having a depressed hour...ignore me

Back to nc.

October 16, 2013

Love and respect isn't enough. You have a warped sense of what a healthy relationship should be and how you should be treated. The man said he was BROKEN and needed 6 months to be ready for a relationshop. I said this before. 6 months doesn't fix a broken man. He spoke abusively to you and no matter how you spin it, it is toxic and not healthy for you, especially when you're coming from an abusive past. You don't need someone that cannot control his anger, or verbalize his frustration in a healthy way, and neither do your children deserve that.

I'm not sure what else to say to you because you can't see clearly.

Yes, NC. You'll soon begin to stop romanticizing all this.

October 16, 2013

I think any person would have acted the way he did when faced with someone like me?

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