NC's effect on MM's marriage

[Owl]

Thank you for your insight this, and I'm happy to hear that your marriage was able to recover.

 

How would it have been different if your wife had a PA and EA instead of just an EA? Do you think it would have been different if your wife had more than one EA; would she then be considered an addict?

 

Interesting questions.

 

From what I've learned, the more in-depth the connection between APs, the longer the relationship lasted...the longer/more difficult the withdrawl will be.

 

So both EA and PA would have likely made the withdrawl more difficult for her...and therefore for me as well.

 

In some ways, I feel that she DID have more than one EA. My wife had poor boundaries...didn't understand boundaries very well...and in fact I felt that a couple of her online relationships prior to this one were beyond what a married woman should have had with another man.

 

I believe that the biggest contributing factor in this was her poor boundaries...which as a result of her EA she has learned to greatly improve. But from that "addict" perspective, I'd say that she probably is 'more susceptible" to getting involved inappropriately again...but by the same token, she's now learned how to recognize and avoid letting things get to that point much more effectively, so that kind of counterbalances that in many ways.

 

Hope that kinda made some sense.

[randomwoman]

I guess the answer depends on a few things..1)the state of you and MM's relationship when NC is initiated 2)the state of their marriage 3) his personality.

 

In general, I think men handle NC better than women and probably don't really act any differently at home. It depends who initiated NC as well. If he initiated it, he may be thrilled to have the OW off his back for a minute.

[hippetyhop]

Interesting questions.

 

From what I've learned, the more in-depth the connection between APs, the longer the relationship lasted...the longer/more difficult the withdrawl will be.

 

So both EA and PA would have likely made the withdrawl more difficult for her...and therefore for me as well.

 

In some ways, I feel that she DID have more than one EA. My wife had poor boundaries...didn't understand boundaries very well...and in fact I felt that a couple of her online relationships prior to this one were beyond what a married woman should have had with another man.

 

I believe that the biggest contributing factor in this was her poor boundaries...which as a result of her EA she has learned to greatly improve. But from that "addict" perspective, I'd say that she probably is 'more susceptible" to getting involved inappropriately again...but by the same token, she's now learned how to recognize and avoid letting things get to that point much more effectively, so that kind of counterbalances that in many ways.

 

Hope that kinda made some sense.

 

Yes, very much does.

 

I agree that an A would have been worse to recover from if it was more extensive; whether it be longer EA or a PA.

 

I appreciate your insight and help on this topic. It appears your wife learned how to take control of the situation, should another ever appear (let's hope not).

[hippetyhop]

I guess the answer depends on a few things..1)the state of you and MM's relationship when NC is initiated 2)the state of their marriage 3) his personality.

 

In general, I think men handle NC better than women and probably don't really act any differently at home. It depends who initiated NC as well. If he initiated it, he may be thrilled to have the OW off his back for a minute.

 

I think men might be better able to hide it better when the W is around and whatnot. If he was able to hide an A for however long, what about the feelings after the A ended.

 

I wonder if NC has a different take on a man if the A ends abruptly by the OW, and he returns to the state of M that it was prior to the A?

[Owl]

Yes, very much does.

 

I agree that an A would have been worse to recover from if it was more extensive; whether it be longer EA or a PA.

 

I appreciate your insight and help on this topic. It appears your wife learned how to take control of the situation, should another ever appear (let's hope not).

 

As have I. She's well aware how much I love her, and also well aware that I will NOT go through the pain of recovering a marriage from infidelity a second time.

 

She doesn't want to lose me. I don't want to lose her. So we're highly motivated.

[Speakingofwhich]

I've skipped over most of this thread, but wanted to throw my experiences out there.

 

IME, affairs are addictive. And WS's act just like addicts.

 

When you end the affair...break the addiction...they typically go through withdrawls for some length of time after the affair ends. And those withdrawls are the same as any other emotional addiction withdrawl.

 

Anger, irritability, moodiness, depression, lethargy, mental confusion, loss of sleep, apathy towards anything outside of themselves...you get the picture.

 

For the first few weeks once NC starts...this is pretty typical of a WS. They're being denied their 'drug of choice'...and they act like it.

 

Once they start 'getting over' that loss...then typically they begin to act more normally. Appetite returns, energy returns, interst in family/etc...all slowly return...........................................................................

 

My experience at least, in the process that my marriage went through to recover from my wife's EA.

 

This is the same process as recovering from a D, at least it was for me. Ime anytime a R that originated as, or became, that of a SO occurs and ends in dissolution this is pretty much the pathway it takes, with some variations, of course, due to variants in each sitch, ie personality, temperament, life circumstances, etc.