previous relationship / new gf / in ltr

[milpat]

Hi all,

 

There is going to be a two part question at the end of my description. I am in a long distance relationship with a wonderful woman from Germany. I was stationed overseas for a few years and met her during the last three months I was there. Go figure! So everything is generally ok between us except being away from each other, which is obviously very hard. The 7 months we've been together have been great and we are very good together. Even while apart. She surprised me by coming out to see me shortly after I arrived back in the states, which I feel like really helped keep us going! We talk on the phone everyday, write letters, send post cards and skype when I am not at work for sometimes up to 9 hours a day! I will be visiting her in a couple of weeks and am so very excited! Now a little about me... I wasn't expecting to meet anyone, as I am currently separated and divorce is to be finalized next month. My marriage lasted 5 years and was destroyed by excessive drinking which led to my ex cheating. So this decision has been in the works for at least a year and was not in any way influenced by my new found love. My ex and I are on good terms and she also is in another relationship. My gf is very open with me and I am with her for the most part. There are a few things that bother me about her, but I believe them to be somewhat normal and I cannot see them being deal breakers. So the biggest thing is she likes to drink. Since we've been together the drinking has not been all that excessive. However, when she does go out she goes all out. She loves going to the local strip club with her girl friends as some of her other friends work there and is just a normal place for her to go. That being said this weekend she told me she went out with her friend and was pulled into a booth by a male stripper and asked to perform group sex with him and another couple. She said that she was somewhat forced into the situation and that the stripper carried her into the booth after giving her a lap dance. I believe her when she says that she didnt do anything. But I have a problem with a 30 something year old woman going out and partying like this. Maybe I am in the wrong but I certainly don't find this sort of behavior to be normal and to be frank it is the only real worry that I have with her. Also her friend and her husband tried to have her do things once back home. She again declined and didnt do anything. I do trust her. She really has been very honest about everything and I believe her to be a trustworthy person. I just certainly find this behavior to be very inappropriate. So on to my two questions:

 

1. I am separated. I have been for two years and was unable to finalize due to the complexity of being overseas ect ect. Now that I am in the states it is almost finalized. With that said; I have not told her of my official marital status. I didnt want her to feel like she was an influence in this decision. I refer to my ex as my ex and separation as 'previous relationship'. I did once try and explain to her about my ex and was getting to the detail where I am still married but she cut me off and said that 'i dont want to know'. So I haven't told her. Should I have told her all of this information immediately? Should I tell her at all? Perhaps when I see her in two weeks? I feel like it is rather important for her to know at some point but I just feel terrible for not making the situation completely clear from the beginning. Next month the divorce will be finalized.

 

2. Should I trust someone who goes out once or twice a month with younger people and gets obliterated at a strip club and puts herself in situations that could possibly lead to infidelity? As far I know she has done nothing, but I don't like the idea of her putting herself in such situations and I told her that this evening. It is very bothersome for me as I do not do such things.

 

Any thoughts or recommendations would be greatly appreciated as I really could use some constructive advice. Thank you in advance!

[hogwild]

Hey milpat,

 

1 - Reassure her that you trust her.

2 - Focus on the relationship aspect.

 

Tell her, "Baby, we all have a line where we feel that the other person is respecting or disrespecting the relationship.

 

"First, I really appreciate your honesty and telling me about the strip club stuff and whatnot. That's very cool of you. At the same time, I feel like strip clubs are disrespectful to the honor of our relationship. I'm far away from you and sure I could go to strip clubs too and get into situations with lap dances and other couples but the reason I don't is because I don't want anything to distract me from you.

 

"I guess you find it fun and we can do that kind of thing TOGETHER as a couple when I'm back. Until then, I hope that you will respect my feelings about this. I want you to have fun and have your freedom. So be honest and choose to do what you want. I hope you will reconsider and chill with the strip club/hard partying thing because I find it disrespectful.

 

"I want us to last and hanging out with swingers at strip clubs while I'm away is not how I want my lady conducting herself."

 

Also, ask her what crosses her line of respect. Maybe she doesn't want you to be at dance clubs. Maybe she is cool with you being physical with other girls as long as you tell her about it and send her a video.

 

The other method is to flat out demand she stop. But that could cause resentment and just make her lie to you about it. If she has mega-respect for you and couldn't bear to be without you then this demand-approach might work.

 

She might indeed be a party girl. You will need to give her substitute fun whenever possible. She is into certain sexy/party things. If that doesn't float your scrote then reconsider this relationship.

[Solcita2]

I agree with the previous post.

 

When you get involve in relationship with people of a different country things like this might happen... and we're not talking about a hugely different type of country... but still...

 

When I broke up with my ex, I ended up finding out that he was married... so yes, I was the OW for the entire relationship.

I did know about her, but I knew her as his ex, the one he was separated from (and not divorced because they never got married in the first place). I even met his kids through skype, althought I pushed him to introduce me as a friend (they were very small and I thought it was the best thing to do).

 

When I found out he was not only still going on with his ex but also married, I had to ask to a couple of his friends WTF!? (because I knew his friends, his partner business, thats why it was so shocking to me, I was not hide... we were very open about our relationship).

One of his best friend who is Latin just like me told "You don't understand... his wife is European... she doesn't care he hooks up with other women as long as it doesn't get too serious... you got too serious... so it had to end".

 

You can try to talk with her about it... whatever makes you feel uncomfortable has to be addressed... you cannot keep this inside.

I have been in strip clubs myself, but always when single, and if I had to go now for a bachelorete party I would go only depending on how close I'm from the bachelorete... and if I do go, I would keep myself out of trouble... I wouldn't feel comfortable touching or getting a lap dance for another guy except my couple...

 

About your marital situation, she didn't want to know, so you're safe... however because you were not wide open since the biggining it is making you feel bad about it, you should come clean... because if YOU feel you were hiding it, then you were hiding it... if you don't feel you were doing anything wrong, then don't... but if you are serious about her, I would tell... AFTER the D is final... so like a not big deal... but let's say you propose to her in a couple of years and suddenly she finds out your D was after you two started being together, it might bother her (I know it would bother me!)

 

Hope everything goes great HAVE FUN!