Phases of OW/OM Recovery

[hollyhillcourt]

Phases of recovery for the OW/OM

 

Where are you now? When I first came to LS I was seeking answers first and foremost, then support, now I visit to reinforces choice to leave the A and offer support.

 

Anyone else following this trajectory and can see it as such?

 

No matter how much I think about it, and analyze it, label it, etc the ability to empathize w BSs and WSs has shown me that I am moving forward.

 

Before this A, I will be honest, I had neither empathy or sympathy for either. Bc like most people who never found themselves in such a situation and being myself righteous I just couldn't wrap my head around it.

 

So, I wonder is that MY lesson?

 

Something to ponder.

 

And btw, I support any and all who want to comment on my threads or statements and I feel for you if your A is still raw.

[sunburned]

Hi, Holly

 

I first came to LS in July as a lurker, also seeking answers. I'm just now getting around to being a participant. I am going through similar phases, but they are not necessarily linear which is a disappointment to me. In other words, I sometimes go back a phase or two in my A recovery.

 

I have found LS most helpful in starting and maintaining NC (8 weeks now). My A was short-lived but intense. It was about 4 months of an EA (preceded by 8 years of casual friendship that comes with living in the same small town), followed by 2 months of a PA "Light" (no sex). I also realized on LS that my A wasn't so special. My experience was so similar to many others, but one day I will get around to boring all of you with it anyway!

 

A recent, excellent thread debated the merits of LS participation -- does it just prolong the agony? I wonder if the shelf life of its usefulness to my particular sitch (thank you, British loveshackers, for a great word) has expired.

 

Thanks to LS-inspired NC, I don't feel the constant urge to text him, but I feel like it's taking me an awfully long time to get over the A. I've now been recovering from it longer than I was actually in it (the PA anyway). And I wonder if LS has contributed to the prolonged recovery. Have I traded one addiction for another?

[hollyhillcourt]

Hi, Holly

 

I first came to LS in July as a lurker, also seeking answers. I'm just now getting around to being a participant. I am going through similar phases, but they are not necessarily linear which is a disappointment to me. In other words, I sometimes go back a phase or two in my A recovery.

 

I have found LS most helpful in starting and maintaining NC (8 weeks now). My A was short-lived but intense. It was about 4 months of an EA (preceded by 8 years of casual friendship that comes with living in the same small town), followed by 2 months of a PA "Light" (no sex). I also realized on LS that my A wasn't so special. My experience was so similar to many others, but one day I will get around to boring all of you with it anyway!

 

A recent, excellent thread debated the merits of LS participation -- does it just prolong the agony? I wonder if the shelf life of its usefulness to my particular sitch (thank you, British loveshackers, for a great word) has expired.

 

Thanks to LS-inspired NC, I don't feel the constant urge to text him, but I feel like it's taking me an awfully long time to get over the A. I've now been recovering from it longer than I was actually in it (the PA anyway). And I wonder if LS has contributed to the prolonged recovery. Have I traded one addiction for another?

 

 

Thanks for the response and I completely get where you are coming from.

 

Regarding the first bolded statement, I vacillated - but overall that has been the path. I've tried to treat this situation like a normal breakup with a single person so I can use those tools to move forward. It does help somewhat.

 

Regarding the second bolded statement - yes, I commented on that one as well. I think the timing for getting over pain is different for everyone and it can be difficult to not obsess. As long as you can admit this to yourself you are moving in the right direction.

 

Regarding the third bolded statement - I don't know. What do your friends think? They are probably realistic about where you are. I did use this site a TON as a way to NOT burden my friends with all questions I had. I'm like a lot of women I love to pick a situation apart and put it back together again.

 

For me the keys to moving on have been this site, reading affair books / websites both for BSs, WSs, and OWs, discussing with friends whose opinions I value, working out a TON. Deleting all texts, etc.

 

He still calls to check-in, primarily bc/my mother is very ill. We never talking about sex, seeing each other again, etc. He has relayed that things aren't improving at home and that saddens me for both of them.

 

We ended in an amicable way, meaning I don't really hate him and I know he doesn't hate me. I believe he does care. However, there is way, and I mean WAY too much to overcome between us. By the time that happens it could be years from now and I am 41. I wait for no man.

 

Now, I will step off my soap box.

[hippetyhop]

I joined in June when my A took a turn. My xMM's past infidelity(ies) was/were provided to his W by someone who came across his profile. He registered on a dating site about a year and a half prior to us starting the A. His account was still on the site, although he was not logging in. He freaked. We went very LC (still intimate) and I decided to end it. Parts of me wondered if he was going to end it since he was flipping out (he said he was happy I did as he wasn't sure what was happening with his M; he wasn't sure if she was tracking him, or his phone calls, etc.). He still wanted to be friends; I couldn't handle it. I told him this is the time for him to focus on his marriage and he can't do it with me. He still insisted on being friends, but I just can't.

 

Fast-forward to now. I miss him dearly. I still love him. I want to talk to him everyday, but knowing he will never love me enough to move forward with me, it brings some closure to me. My wounds are still fresh.

 

As for phases, I'm not sure where I stand. At times, I feel angry, relieved, somber, upset, emotional, lonely. It all happened for a reason.

 

I enjoy the various insight from everyone on LC--whether it be BS, WS, OW, OM. I'm happy the posters here are brave enough to share their journeys.