done with this Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 (edited) Hello. I have what I feel is an unusual situation but I can't imagine that no one has been through it before so I'm looking for someone who has divorced a spouse with cancer. Yes, I know it sounds horrible but, listen to my story before you judge me please. My husband and I have been married for 16 years. Most of them have been good years. We rarely fought and he was always fun and thoughtful and caring and attentive. However, things started going down hill about 5 or 6 years ago. He no longer wanted to do things, he stopped thinking of others, sex seemed to be more of a job for him than something pleasurable and it only happened about 4-5 times a year. I was lucky to see any affection from him and he finally, a little over 4 years ago, stopped trying to have sex with me at all and ignored my flirting and advances. I was in the process of figuring out how I could leave him and still provide my 3 kids with a roof over their heads and food on the table (I make not much more than minimum wage) when he was diagnosed with cancer. At first, I was devastated but I thought maybe this would bring us closer together again. It has not. He has withdrawn even more from me and everything else. His cancer is not a kind that can be treated with chemo and go away. It is something he will have for the rest of his life but no one knows how long that will be. Could be a couple of years, could be that he will die of old age before the cancer kills him. He refuses to take care of himself. He has had an infected toe for 6 months but won't listen to his doctor's advice on it. He has a constant cough but won't go see about an inhaler or whatever else he may need to help it. He has sleep apnea which adds to his fatigue but won't do anything about that either. He saw a specialist for his cancer at my insistence but did not follow his advice to get the primary tumor out which they said would give him another 5 or so years with us. I have talked to him about all of this but he doesn't seem to care. I even wrote down in a letter exactly what I need for him to do to show me he cares but he has not done any of it other than start seeing a counselor and getting some depression meds which he is going off off because he thinks they are making him tired. I am not happy and have not been happy for years now. I don't feel like I know who he is anymore. It's been almost 2 years since his diagnosis now. I want to leave but I need to get a better job first. I am working on that now. Even with child support, I couldn't get a good house or apartment right now. I feel like this is what I need to do and I want to do but I also feel like I'm being an @ss if I leave a man with cancer. I worry about how my kids will handle it too. All I really know for sure is that I am not happy and I can't imagine that he is happy either. We barely speak. Has anyone here left a spouse with cancer? Edited October 15, 2013 by done with this
melissag Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Wow. This is a tough one. I don't think I can offer much insight here, but didn't want your post to go unanswered. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have to admit, I do feel like the cancer diagnosis makes a difference. Is he still seeing the counselor? Would he go with you to MC? I'm sure it's not true in every case, but sometimes I do think that communication (or lack thereof) is the real issue. Does he know you feel like this? Sometimes it's hard to understand how serious the other is about issues . . . maybe he needs to understand how serious you are. And maybe you need someone else (i.e., MC) to help you two to communicate and get to the bottom of this. Only then will you know for sure whether this can work or if you need to get out. How old are your kids? I have to say, depending on their age, they might resent you a whole lot if you leave when Daddy is sick. That is really tough. Hope you get some answers with more wisdom than I can offer.
CarrieT Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Has anyone here left a spouse with cancer? Newt Gingrich did. There is no good answer for you, I'm sorry to say. You have to do what is best for you...
theothersully Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I'd stick it out. What if his illness is part of why he has changed? 1
losingme Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I can't say I was in your situation, mine was the opposite. I was diagnosed with cancer a couple years ago. When I was diagnosed, it threw me into a depression, I worried about my kids, my husband, my parents, and it made me COMPLETELY reevaluate my life. I was scared, but was afraid to let my family know I was scared, that was my way of protecting them. My husband decided that was the time to find another woman. He said hurtful things to me and told me he wanted a separation. I gave him what he wanted, I moved out. He has regretted it since then. He begs me daily to come back to him. Now HE'S the one in therapy, finding it hard to forgive himself. Meanwhile, my cancer is in remission, I'm feeling GREAT, have my sex drive back, and a positive outlook on the future. I guess what I'm saying is PLEASE try to put yourself in his shoes, as othersully said, maybe his behavior is his way of coping, pushing you away to protect your feelings when the inevitable happens. I think BOTH spouses should seek counseling when one is diagnosed with a terminal illness. After all, it really couldn't hurt. 1
Author done with this Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 He knows how I feel. I told him over a year ago that if things didn't change, I would leave. Things have not changed. I don't know if a MC would be the answer. I'm really hurt that he hasn't been able to show me that he wants me to stay. I got 2 copies of the book, The Love Dare, and gave him one and I kept one to read. You are supposed to read one chapter a day and at the end of the chapter is a task you are supposed to do for your spouse or to help you appreciate them more. He read it (I think) but he didn't do many of the 'dares'. I am at the point now that I don't want to work it out because he seems incapable of giving me what I need to be happy. I also don't believe that a person should have to change who they are to make another happy. I believe that people change as they grow and that a couple will not always grow and change in ways that are compatible with each other. Both parties should be happy and, if they are not, it is time to go on. My kids are almost 9, 12 (but developmentally delayed and more the mentality of 9) and 15. The 15 year old knows what is going on (very generally- no details) She read over my shoulder as I was typing something one day. She is angry but, at the same time, she does not like living here with us not speaking or complaining about each other either. She has suggested that maybe it's time to do something. If I stay with him because he is sick, I may never leave and probably never be happy because he might live for many years with this. @ theothersully- Regardless of if he's changed because of the illness, the fact remains that he has (we have?) changed and that our house is not a happy place. @ losing me- I am very sorry about your situation. It sounds like you are doing well now though. Please understand that I am not wanting to leave because he has cancer. I wanted to leave before he was diagnosed. However, I can not remain where I feel unloved, unappreciated and unhappy. He is living like he's already dead even though he may live many more years. I can not let my life slip by, unfulfilled, while he sits and waits for a death that may come 30 years from now. Sorry if I sound like a *@#&% but, this is where I am now. I have built up a wall after telling him exactly what I need (more than once and even in writing) and not seeing any results. It will take a lot to bring it down now.
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