Edwar36 Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 My girlfriend very often says "I don't know" about how she feels. This has gone on almost as soon as we first met. It's like she has no access to her mind at all, or is always lying and withholding. I've been to therapy, so I'm particularly good at describing my emotions and thoughts, but I can't figure out what's going on. Is it possible for someone to just feel an emotion, like sadness, and be completely incapable of knowing what triggered it? This is especially tough now because I used to just comfort her with physical touch but now all we have is words and she doesn't know how to use them. Is anyone else here like this? Or do you think this is some kind of technique or power move that I'm not privy to? It certainly makes me have to constantly ask her what's going on when she's upset, to the point where I give her a list of options of what's bothering her and she will then decide from those.
Carenth Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Yes it is very possible to have a feeling like sadness occur and have no idea what caused it. When I was diagnosed with major depression years ago there was no trigger or event I could link the beginning of it to. Just one day I felt sad and it got worse. The part of not knowing why I was sad drove me insane because I felt like I was making it up and had no genuine reason to be sad. I was in denial for a long time that I was even depressed. The thing I've come to learn is that depression sometimes does not make sense and when I said I don't know why I'm depressed I really meant that. There was nothing more frustrating to me than someone prodding me to explain why I was sad and just couldn't accept I was sad and didn't know why. I'm not so sure it is that she doesn't know how to use words. I found it very frustrating that there was no word for what I was feeling. It basically felt like my emotions were broken and there was no obvious reason why. Still to this day years after recovering I still don't know why. I know it's hard for people from the outside because you want to help or try to fix the problem. You need to know what the problem is to fix it right? Well it's not your job to fix her problems. However you can be supportive and listen when if she does talk or talk about things that may take her mind off how she is feeling. This is a tricky one, I know I was quite difficult to communicate with during that period but the people who just accepted me as I am and treated me as normal helped me through it. The people who prodded me every waking moment about my feelings I pushed away subconsciously because they were causing massive anxiety for me because I know I could not answer their questions. I don't know if this helps at all but that is my personal experience. 3
hkh8871 Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 This is very possible. I speak from personal experience. I am/used to be exactly like that. I am now in an LDR for 10 months (my longest relationship) and I have been learning to speak up but it took a long time and lots of coaxing from my boyfriend. I used to not say anything because I was afraid of the outcome. If I said something negative in the past it would always end the relationship until this one. I was afraid if I said something negative or wrong or if I made the wrong choice- whether about plans or a reaction or anything. That it would trigger the end of the relationship and id be to blame. I use to thin saying I don't know to everything from feelings to dates to anything would result in me gauging my thoughts and feelings based on the other persons and I would be able to push all responsibility and blame on anyone but myself. I still do it but I am getting better. Most likely she has had bad experiences regarding expressing what she actually feels or thinks- either at home or in previous relationships and it has become embedded in her not to commit to anything- feelings or otherwise because of fear. My boyfriend has just been patient and keeps asking me. It's hard and he sometimes get annoyed and if all back to old routines of not saying or doing anything concrete but I try. I'd just keep at it and maybe out a little pressure on her to express herself and when she does no matter wha don't have a negative reaction to it. 1
Assasda Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I'll go the other way on this, and say just dont ask her anything. Just hug her. She could just be content and nothing is wrong. Thats what I think 1
todreaminblue Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 (edited) sometimes sadness can come and hit you like a sledge hammer normally i find this is when you know what triggered it...or when it creeps slowly like a tide a wave fo sadness you dotn know why it is there in fact sometimes i think its from other people i see so much sadness and it creeps up on me, hear so many sad things and then one day withotu even feeling it hit, the tide is high and i am drowning in it, unable to call out and say hey this is what i am feeling, hey need some help here...... .......and when that high tide hits.......i fight....and continue fighting to live.......yes i have tried to commit suicide when the sadness gets too much then its hospital time for me, normally forced,as my apathy allows for me to do naught for myself but fight the sadness.......me going to hospital is where i have to fight the hardest and i have to be monitored to make sure i dont give up.....havent had that in years though so i keep praying it remains i dont have to go in .... my life savers are my life savers......my answer to a high tide.........they are stronger the king tides in my life...they are the love and support i rely on to bring me back to shore, people who understand me,rely on me to be strong for them(which i am) in turn are strong for me when i need them........i know its poetic.....but that description i give might help you understand the two types of sadness that can happen i feel... the sledgehammer that hits from nowhere and the tidal wave that pulls you under with no real warning but builds up till the tide is too high to swim in....those are the words your gf cannot say while she is swimming trying to keep her head above water..........if you can be the king tide in her life, the rainbow kite flying high on cloudy days, if you can sit there and be there with love and support to pull her out stay...... and if you cant...then leave..no one woudl think less of you if you are unable to cope....thats just you and who you are....dont ever feel obligated to work it out...you will not be able to ....do not ever feel obligated to stay unless that is what you want to do, just when she is in deep water take some time and pray be there when she comes out and hand her a really fluffy towel ....thats the best you can do.......i wish you light and happiness ....deb Edited October 15, 2013 by todreaminblue
todreaminblue Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I'll go the other way on this, and say just dont ask her anything. Just hug her. She could just be content and nothing is wrong. Thats what I think just being there when you come out of depression is the most thoughtful caring thing a person can do...as was your post.... thoughtful..... so simple ...so right........deb 1
Author Edwar36 Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 I agree with your side a lot more, it seems to be the issue. She is not depressed so I'm going to disregard the posts about that. She is definitely the type to pass on responsibility. I usually make plans and she generally follows, if I ask if she wants to do something her response is often, not always, but often, let's do whatever you want. I don't mind this, hell, I like it because it's nice to make decisions. It's not always perfect but I like it. That being said I think you have a really similar personality with this issue. Her dad was pretty explosive and domineering. I'm a pretty unimtimidating guy who likes talking about his feelings. That said, it's getting really frustrating for me because I really don't like constantly feeling like her inner life is closed to me. Do you think I should just push harder? Is that really what you want? I just wonder if it isn't some kind of power move in some way, like how women withhold sex. Tell me more about what it's like not knowing how you feel, and why you think you are this way.
Carenth Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 (edited) You have pretty much answered your own question. If her dad is as you say then she probably has fallen into this habit as a way of coping. Parents have a very large role in determining a persons behavior. I would not be surprised if she has learnt that being quiet and agreeable has made dealing with her father easier. I never said she had depression I was answering your question. Yes it is very possible to feel an emotion and have no idea what caused it. In my case that lead to depression. For me there is no answer to why I feel this way sometimes, there just isn't. Also no I don't think it is a power move, it is who she is and that is a grossly broad generalization you are making that all women withhold sex. Only spiteful people would willfully do that as a power move and that is to do with their character and nothing to do with gender. She may have being discouraged from expressing opinions, feelings in the past. The only thing you can really do is encourage her to express herself and that you enjoy knowing what is going on with her. Let her know it is ok for her to talk to you about things that are going on in her life. Just don't make it into an interrogation where you come across demanding that you know how she is feeling, that will probably cause her to retreat. Also some people are just not good at talking about their emotions for whatever reason. Or it could be that there is honestly nothing eventful she feels the need to discuss and is just feeling content. I mean I check up on how my girlfriend is feeling on a semi-regular basis I don't get upset if she says everything is ok or that she isn't sure how she is feeling. Edited October 16, 2013 by Carenth
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