Pregnant by married man

[Scared28]

Oh where do I begin ... We met 4 years ago and hit it off right away. He wasn't wearing a ring and didn't tell me that he was married. We lived two hours apart (I met him while I was visiting family). We talked on the phone, texted and emailed all day long for weeks. I went back to visit him and the first night he told me that he was married but they were in the process of getting divorced. My first thought was to run as fast as I could away from him and never look back. Obviously that isn't what happened. We continued to see each other every weekend and he would stay at my relatives with me and during the week we continued to talk/email/text and would talk on the phone until the wee hours if the morning. This came to an abrupt stop when his wife went through his phone and read our messages. She threatened to leave him and take their two boys where her family lives six states away from him. I decided that I didn't want to be the reason two boys lost their dad, so I let it all go and said if it was meant to be we'll find our way back to each other.

 

Fast forward two years later ... I kept seeing him on Facebook as "someone I may know". I clicked on his profile after trying to ignore it for a long time and decided I would send him a message just saying hi. When I clicked on the message button there was a message from him that he sent me six months back! He was just apologizing for the way things ended and said that he completely understands if I hate him but hopes that my daughter and I are doing well. I replied back and said that I don't hate him and understand everything. I replied back the next morning and sent a friend request. We started talking again nonstop all day long. He told me they were really working on getting divorced this time and she was moving out of the house. I kept my distance for a while. He invited me and my daughter to spend the weekend with him and his boys. We had an amazing time!!! This continued for about six months when one if the boys told her and again she threatened him with taking then away. It got bad this time though. She was calling me and texting me all the time calling me everything but my name and then wanting to know what made me so special. She wouldn't let him pick the boys up when it was his turn to have them and the police told him that since there wasn't a court order she could do what she wanted to. He began to get depressed and stopped talking to me eventually going back to her.

 

He has called every month apologizing on my voicemail at my work on my cell sending texts etc. I never answered his calls. I haven't been able to get him off my mind. About six months later after thinking of him all day long I sat down on my bed and looked up to God asking for forgiveness and for some help to please forget him. I apologized and said that I would probably always love him but I needed some help. Later that night after I got out of the shower he called!!! I was so shocked and answered the phone. He apologized a million times and I told him that I understood everything and really don't want to harp on the past. We talked all night and he told me that he has been working near me (military) for the last six months and even drove by my work because he didn't have my home address he told me that he contemplated stopping to see me so many times but was afraid that I'd hate him. Apparently while we were on the phone he was driving and told me he was at my work and knows that I lived across the street somewhere. I invited him in and we talked again until 6:00am. He told me that he told her that he isn't happy with her and just wants a divorce. He kept saying how wonderful I am but that he's hurt me so bad twice before and doesn't want to do it again. He asked me top lease wait until he got his divorce papers. Well the next morning we had sex.

 

That was a little over two weeks ago. We talked for a few days and he kept saying the same things about how he doesn't want to hurt me. When the government shut down he hasn't been working and has been at their house. We haven't spoke since. I noticed that I was late on my period and having a few possible symptoms so I took a rest this morning. I'm scared and don't know what to do. I was late once before and I told him that I would probably have an abortion. He begged me to please be an adult and talk to him if that ever happened. He said that I know how much he loves his boys and my daughter and would do whatever it took to be by my side for our baby. I pretty much shrug it off before because I got my period.

 

Seeing that test this morning had me feeling a million different things. My daughters father isn't involved in her life at all. I had a very difficult pregnancy and was in the hospital a lot. I'm currently taking 4 online classes per semester to get my degree. I've worked so hard to climb the corporate ladder at my job and not have to struggle. I have thought about all of the awful things that could happen if I keep the baby. I have also thought if the possible good things that could come.

 

Please don't bash me I am an adult and didn't come here for more drama.

[bentleychic]

Good luck with your decision, Scared28. I think he has the right to know. I wouldn't use it as a bargaining tool or expect it to change his choices with his marriage, but it is his baby and I believe he has the right to know that it exists.

 

(((Hugs))) because I am SURE you need them.

 

Also, I wanted to add that I have several children and NONE of my pregnancies were the same so fingers crossed that this one will be fairly problem free if you do decide to keep it.

[janedoe67]

I have my own thoughts on adultery and such, but your post breaks my heart, and I thought you needed someone to say that I know you must be scared. Heck, I would be terrified and all sorts of other things.

 

You took the test today. The sex happened two weeks ago. You have a little time. Just try to breathe.

[rumbleseat]

Oh where do I begin ... We met 4 years ago and hit it off right away. He wasn't wearing a ring and didn't tell me that he was married. We lived two hours apart (I met him while I was visiting family). We talked on the phone, texted and emailed all day long for weeks. I went back to visit him and the first night he told me that he was married but they were in the process of getting divorced. My first thought was to run as fast as I could away from him and never look back. Obviously that isn't what happened. We continued to see each other every weekend and he would stay at my relatives with me and during the week we continued to talk/email/text and would talk on the phone until the wee hours if the morning. This came to an abrupt stop when his wife went through his phone and read our messages. She threatened to leave him and take their two boys where her family lives six states away from him. I decided that I didn't want to be the reason two boys lost their dad, so I let it all go and said if it was meant to be we'll find our way back to each other.

 

Fast forward two years later ... I kept seeing him on Facebook as "someone I may know". I clicked on his profile after trying to ignore it for a long time and decided I would send him a message just saying hi. When I clicked on the message button there was a message from him that he sent me six months back! He was just apologizing for the way things ended and said that he completely understands if I hate him but hopes that my daughter and I are doing well. I replied back and said that I don't hate him and understand everything. I replied back the next morning and sent a friend request. We started talking again nonstop all day long. He told me they were really working on getting divorced this time and she was moving out of the house. I kept my distance for a while. He invited me and my daughter to spend the weekend with him and his boys. We had an amazing time!!! This continued for about six months when one if the boys told her and again she threatened him with taking then away. It got bad this time though. She was calling me and texting me all the time calling me everything but my name and then wanting to know what made me so special. She wouldn't let him pick the boys up when it was his turn to have them and the police told him that since there wasn't a court order she could do what she wanted to. He began to get depressed and stopped talking to me eventually going back to her.

 

He has called every month apologizing on my voicemail at my work on my cell sending texts etc. I never answered his calls. I haven't been able to get him off my mind. About six months later after thinking of him all day long I sat down on my bed and looked up to God asking for forgiveness and for some help to please forget him. I apologized and said that I would probably always love him but I needed some help. Later that night after I got out of the shower he called!!! I was so shocked and answered the phone. He apologized a million times and I told him that I understood everything and really don't want to harp on the past. We talked all night and he told me that he has been working near me (military) for the last six months and even drove by my work because he didn't have my home address he told me that he contemplated stopping to see me so many times but was afraid that I'd hate him. Apparently while we were on the phone he was driving and told me he was at my work and knows that I lived across the street somewhere. I invited him in and we talked again until 6:00am. He told me that he told her that he isn't happy with her and just wants a divorce. He kept saying how wonderful I am but that he's hurt me so bad twice before and doesn't want to do it again. He asked me top lease wait until he got his divorce papers. Well the next morning we had sex.

 

That was a little over two weeks ago. We talked for a few days and he kept saying the same things about how he doesn't want to hurt me. When the government shut down he hasn't been working and has been at their house. We haven't spoke since. I noticed that I was late on my period and having a few possible symptoms so I took a rest this morning. I'm scared and don't know what to do. I was late once before and I told him that I would probably have an abortion. He begged me to please be an adult and talk to him if that ever happened. He said that I know how much he loves his boys and my daughter and would do whatever it took to be by my side for our baby. I pretty much shrug it off before because I got my period.

 

Seeing that test this morning had me feeling a million different things. My daughters father isn't involved in her life at all. I had a very difficult pregnancy and was in the hospital a lot. I'm currently taking 4 online classes per semester to get my degree. I've worked so hard to climb the corporate ladder at my job and not have to struggle. I have thought about all of the awful things that could happen if I keep the baby. I have also thought if the possible good things that could come.

 

Please don't bash me I am an adult and didn't come here for more drama.

 

consider this.

 

He's had a long time to divorce, but still hasn't done it? He still lives with his wife, though you say they are divorcing? It sounds like he's being dishonest about something here.

 

It sounds like you have two options. You can not have the child(abortion or adoption) or you can keep the baby and his wife will know he cheated. If keeping the baby sounds right for you, then you need to accept the fact that his wife will know he was with you, unless you plan to have him be a non-entity in the baby's life.

If you do keep the baby, you need to stop all this foolish drama. You are going to be a mom, and you don't get to drag you son or daughter through your troubles. If you can't trust him and depend on this guy to be there for you, then how can't you trust him to be there for his child?

 

Do you feel like you can trust him?

[Scared28]

I left a lot of details out an towards the end of my post started to realize how long it was getting. Anyway my main point that I left out and wanted to reply again is to note that I would never use a baby as a weapon or way to get something. That isn't a factor in me making a decision. If I were to keep the baby it is mostly a fear of what will come. Him possibly not being involved and me going back to being a struggling single mother with two kids ... UGH I'll stop for now.

[whichwayisup]

Until you know 100% for sure if you're pregnant or not, don't mention anything to him.

 

Make an appointment with your Dr and get a proper blood test done.

 

If you are pregnant, weight the pros and cons and also speak to a therapist or someone your Dr can refer you to.

 

As for your MM, his life is a mess, he's back and forth between you and his wife. He's not 'done' with her, whatever his reasons are for hanging in, are valid and important enough that he hasn't walked away from her...

 

Once you know if you are, then talk to him and go from there.

[bentleychic]

Shoot, there are digital urine tests now that tell you not only if you're pregnant, but approximately how many weeks.

 

Technology is amazing. LOL No more rabbits, frogs and rats to see if you're pregnant! We've come a long way, baby!

[Quiet Storm]

Tell him, but keep your expectations low. I would prepare yourself for a negative reaction.

 

I would ask him for complete honesty about his intentions. Tell him this is not the time to sugarcoat the truth. Ask him "How do you realistically see our baby fitting into your life?". Will he expect your child to be a secret?

 

He has a pattern of letting you down & then apologizing. Tell him that you are done with all his sorrys and you expect him to take responsibility. Tell him that your child deserves more than his apologies.

 

Also, stay safe. Pregnant women face a higher risk of violence. He seems very concerned about his wife taking the kids to another state. He may panic & react. You may want to tell him by phone & give it chance to sink in before you see him.

[2sure]

From what you've told me, he lied to you about being married initially and about getting a divorce for four years now. When his wife discovers you, he disappears. They are together. He is also not being truthful about his wife being able to take his kids so far away, it doesn't sound as though he has even spoken to a lawyer.

 

So, realistically you have to tell him but you also have to make your decision with the knowledge that he will not be a part of your future .

 

It's your personal choice to make about the pregnancy.

[crederer]

Well you have to tell him asap. I also hope he is wealthy so you don't have to struggle so much financially.

[Saba]

I am going to disagree with everyone. Tell him if you plan to keep it so he can be a part of the kids life if he wants to. If you choose to abort then it is your business. Don't tell him if think he will pressure you into having a child you don't want. He hasn't been honest with you so don't feel that you have to be honest with him at your expense.

[rumbleseat]

As I said, whatever you decide to do is up to you. You can control your own choices, but base them on the reality of the situation and not how you wish or hope things will be.

 

Has he shown that he is someone who can be trusted? Does he keep his word to those he loves, is he bale to put their needs first?

 

Once he knows, his actions are up to him. Do you think you can trust him to be there for you and your child, or do you think he'd run away?

 

people's past actions are a pretty good indicator of how they will act in the future, and sometimes that's all we have to go on. What do his actions ( not just to you, but to his wife, kids and others) tell you about him? Will he be there to support you through all of this? Do you need him to? Do you already have plenty of support whether he sticks around or not? Would you even want him to stick around, or would you be happier doing it on your own?

[Criticality]

I left a lot of details out an towards the end of my post started to realize how long it was getting. Anyway my main point that I left out and wanted to reply again is to note that I would never use a baby as a weapon or way to get something. That isn't a factor in me making a decision. If I were to keep the baby it is mostly a fear of what will come. Him possibly not being involved and me going back to being a struggling single mother with two kids ... UGH I'll stop for now.

 

I'm sorry! You sound like a sweet girl,with her heart in the right place. Can I ask how old you are?

 

I guess it's good that you had this conversation before with your MM. Do you hope he'll feel the same way now that its a reality?

 

Whatever decision you make, he has the right to be involved in it too. And let you know what he wants, though he might need some time to figure out what he wants to do.

 

But you need to tell him as soon as possible, and see what he wants to do.

Maybe the solution will be to give the baby up for adoption, but if you do keep it, at least you won't be completely alone. You have the right to financial help from the father, you might want to go to a lawyer and find out more.

 

Are you in some way hoping that your MM might want to start a family with you?

 

Because if it was the kids that to an extent keep/kept him in his marriage, than maybe a child would be able to push him out of it too. That doesn't mean that you two will make it as a couple, so don't get your hopes up too high, and plan without assuming anything.

 

(Most men that get tangled up in the situation that you're in don't lie about everything. And when they lie, they're usually lying to themselves the most. But if he told you things like that he wouldn't be in his current marriage if it wasn't for the kids, its most likely true. He probably wasn't lying either, that he has strong feelings for you. But it's only when you're out of the hate of the affair, that you can truly know what you feel.)

 

But best of luck to you. I'm sure a lot of people will keep you in your situation in their prayers.

(Except for me... But I'm an atheist.)

[Scared28]

I stopped at the store again on my way to work ... Four positive tests!

 

I am so confused. And scared. And a million other emotions. I'm not asking for sympathy or someone to make a hard decision for me. I just guess I needed to get it out. I had an extremely difficult time raising my daughter alone. I did have some support from my family but they also live two hours away. Maybe I'm being selfish in thinking about myself and how this is going to completely turn my world around if I keep the baby. I've worked so hard to get away from wondering if I'll be able to pay all of my bills each month. Granted I'm not living all that comfortable but I'm also not crying myself to sleep knowing that my electric is going to be cut off. And maybe I'm being selfish thinking about the daughter that I already have ... It will be hard on her if I have this baby and he comes around to take it for visitations. We already struggle with the fact that she doesn't understand why she doesn't get to see her daddy and everyone else does. An then I'm afraid of what will happen if I keep it because he talks me into it only to not be around. I'm a really big over thinker and worry about the worst that could happen in every situation. Which really helps me out here!

 

I thank you all for taking the time to read my post and respond without being nasty. This isn't what I planned and definitely am not one to use a child as leverage.

[Scared28]

I'm sorry! You sound like a sweet girl,with her heart in the right place. Can I ask how old you are?

 

I guess it's good that you had this conversation before with your MM. Do you hope he'll feel the same way now that its a reality?

 

Whatever decision you make, he has the right to be involved in it too. And let you know what he wants, though he might need some time to figure out what he wants to do.

 

But you need to tell him as soon as possible, and see what he wants to do.

Maybe the solution will be to give the baby up for adoption, but if you do keep it, at least you won't be completely alone. You have the right to financial help from the father, you might want to go to a lawyer and find out more.

 

Are you in some way hoping that your MM might want to start a family with you?

 

Because if it was the kids that to an extent keep/kept him in his marriage, than maybe a child would be able to push him out of it too. That doesn't mean that you two will make it as a couple, so don't get your hopes up too high, and plan without assuming anything.

 

(Most men that get tangled up in the situation that you're in don't lie about everything. And when they lie, they're usually lying to themselves the most. But if he told you things like that he wouldn't be in his current marriage if it wasn't for the kids, its most likely true. He probably wasn't lying either, that he has strong feelings for you. But it's only when you're out of the hate of the affair, that you can truly know what you feel.)

 

But best of luck to you. I'm sure a lot of people will keep you in your situation in their prayers.

(Except for me... But I'm an atheist.)

 

I'm 34 years old. So I know better than to be completely naive to think this is going to have some fairy tale ending. Actually I'm probably more of a peculiar than anything. I've just had a rough life and always try to prepare for the worst.

 

I think my biggest battle is if I tell him. I'm afraid of things getting too far along before and seeing that I should have made another decision.

[hurtnomorerika]

I just had a baby by a married man, who also lied about his marriage, then when I found out he said were separated, blah, blah, blah. They were indeed together the whole time.

 

Fast forward 3 years later, Im left to be a single parent to our baby girl, who he has not seen or had nothing to do with since I told him I was pregnant.

 

All I want to say is, even with everything I've been through with this whole mess. I wouldnt give my baby girl back for nothing. I made some huge mistakes with this man, and I believe that Ive paid for them. Also, I believed that God blessed me more by giving her life. Throughout my pregnancy I received help from everywhere. I was in the store one day and a stranger gave me a new carseat with the matching stroller for my baby. So, if you choose to keep this baby, God will make a way out of no way.

 

However, be prepared he may not stick around and if he does it will be halfway. Just make sure you do the right thing and dont let anyone pressure you into making any decisions. I'll be praying for you.

[2sure]

I raised my daughter alone too for the most part , and I have to say If I were faced with pregnany and doing it alone again...I wouldn't.

[Scared28]

I went to my doctors this afternoon. They did a test and sonogram to confirm how far along I am. SE told me what my options are an that if I didn't want to continue with the pregnancy that I should take care of it sooner rather than later. I explained my situation sort of and cried just about the whole time I was there. She said that in about two weeks there will be a heartbeat and scheduled me another appointment. She said if I decide that I want to have an abortion she would like to follow up with me after that to make sure everything turns out ok.

 

I sent him a text and told him that I needed to talk to him about something important. He called me when he got off work but I told him that I'd like to talk after my daughter goes to bed. So he's going to call me shortly. I'm so scared!!!

[janedoe67]

Scared, your story has been on my mind all night, and though this is not something I ever intended to share, I feel I should (though it scares me a LOT)

 

I am adopted, and my biological mother had a romance with a man who didn't tell her he was married.....until she got pregnant. She of course decided to carry me, and he did "sort of" help her out the last couple of months, though he bailed a couple of weeks before I was born.

 

She gave me up for adoption, and I was adopted by a wonderful couple who had tried everything for 7 years to have a baby. I was raised with love and encouragement, and all my needs met.

 

I had the privilege of meeting my biological mother several years ago, and I thanked her for her unselfish love. I have never felt rejected or as if she didn't "want" me. I've had a great life, and now she is a dear friend.

 

She talked to me a lot about how scared she was, how alone she felt, and how she worried for years if she ruined my life. I love her dearly for being so brave.

 

I just wanted to share that to give you some hope.

[whichwayisup]

I stopped at the store again on my way to work ... Four positive tests!

 

I am so confused. And scared. And a million other emotions. I'm not asking for sympathy or someone to make a hard decision for me. I just guess I needed to get it out. I had an extremely difficult time raising my daughter alone. I did have some support from my family but they also live two hours away. Maybe I'm being selfish in thinking about myself and how this is going to completely turn my world around if I keep the baby. I've worked so hard to get away from wondering if I'll be able to pay all of my bills each month. Granted I'm not living all that comfortable but I'm also not crying myself to sleep knowing that my electric is going to be cut off. And maybe I'm being selfish thinking about the daughter that I already have ... It will be hard on her if I have this baby and he comes around to take it for visitations. We already struggle with the fact that she doesn't understand why she doesn't get to see her daddy and everyone else does. An then I'm afraid of what will happen if I keep it because he talks me into it only to not be around. I'm a really big over thinker and worry about the worst that could happen in every situation. Which really helps me out here!

 

I thank you all for taking the time to read my post and respond without being nasty. This isn't what I planned and definitely am not one to use a child as leverage.

 

I think you need to talk to your family Dr and do some counseling. Talk to your family and close friends as well. This is a decision that is going to affect the rest of your life, either way. Both have positives and both have negatives. Your decision is yours and nobody can force you to do anything. It's your life so you do what you think is best.

[whichwayisup]

 

I sent him a text and told him that I needed to talk to him about something important. He called me when he got off work but I told him that I'd like to talk after my daughter goes to bed. So he's going to call me shortly. I'm so scared!!!

 

Hope the talk went well. Please do an update when you can.

[bentleychic]

Good luck!

[all_fluttery]

Really, really sorry about your situation. I wish I could find a better way of saying it, but I do hope things turn out well.

[Helen A]

Keep your baby you have been blessed.

You will cope with or without him.

Xx

[Scared28]

Well he called me back yesterday evening and I finally got it out that I am pregnant. He said that I shouldn't expect him to make a decision right away because this is a lot to take in. I told him that I didn't and that I was just as confused. He said that things were going well with his wife for the last two weeks and that if they hadn't been he probably would've just said ok I guess we're having a baby. He went into a bar while I was on the phone and got two shots and walked back out. He said I think we both know what we need to do ... He said that he didn't have his father around and never thought that he would ever be saying this but that it wouldn't be the best decision for us to have the baby. He said that he has hurt me so much and just continues to make things worse for me, he can't imagine that it would be fair to me if he were with his family and not able to see this child very often aside from the burden that it would be putting on me being a single mother of two kids. He said that he would like to be there for me but I told him that it would probably be harder for me if he is there. He said that I've been there for him through so much that I deserve that much. I started crying and he said to get some rest and just relax that I wouldn't be going through this alone. Then he asked that I please not tell anyone because he doesn't want it getting back to his wife.

 

He called about an hour later asking if he could stop by. He came in and we talked for a couple minutes. Then he asked me if I could please do something for him. He wanted me to take a pregnancy test. He jumped in the shower and I took both tests from the box. They were positive before I could get the caps back on. He looked out at them and just stared for a while. I said that I have no reason to lie to him about something like this. He said that there are people who tell him that I'm just out to be with him and that some of my actions may not be genuine because I want to be with him. It upset me and I told him that I wouldn't ruin his little family and I didn't want him to be around when I went through it all. He kept grabbing me and hugging me and we talked for a while more. He said that it wasn't that he thought I was lying but that he needed to see it with his own eyes. He got a glass of wine and when I asked him for some he said no you're pregnant! I told him that I was going to call today to make an appointment because my OBGYN told me that in two weeks there will be a heartbeat.

 

We ended up having sex. He kissed me this morning before he left and said that he would call me today.

 

I think that this is the right decision. I can't imagine bringing a child into this situation ... But I can't help to cry when I think about it. I just want to go away. I hate myself right now.