cattas Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I may be in a LDR (I think I am anyway). I have a history of 5 years with this guy (mostly not in a relationship). Here's some quick background: - We tried to have a LDR 5 years ago and it ended badly very quickly due to a situation outside of us. Afterwards, I had a very bad (abusive) relationship with another fellow. I pinned for him for a long time, but understood he was still hurt from before. - We have remained friends for 5 years, sometimes talking of getting back together. Sometimes he brought it up and sometimes I did. - About 2 years ago, I asked him if we could try again. He told me no because he was in a relationship. - He started his own business and did very well (he never had much money before). I was happy for him, as it was some security and peace of mind for him. - About a year ago, he said they broke up (no details given) and started flirting with me again over text. He called me and asked me to lie saying we had never had any kind of relationship or interest in each other so that he could record it. I did it, evasively (angrily), and he called later and explained that he had had a fake marriage for tax evasion reasons and his friend (wife) was trying to get his money by pretending he was having an affair over text with me (??). He told me he'd protected himself with the recordings, that his friend had always known about me, and that they had the marriage anulled. I had no idea he was married (for real or tax reasons). After this, I abandoned all hope and removed all texts / pictures from my phone. It sounded fishy and strange. I couldn't seem to stop thinking about him completely though, and every so often would dream about him and secretly wish it had worked out. - He hasn't been reliable at all in terms of responding to me or communication. I figured he was pushing me away, and after I gave up, I stopped hoping this would change. - Recently, he called me and we ended up talking and videochatting. We talked for hours. He asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. It was something I had wanted for years. I agreed immediately without thinking. It seemed like it was okay to talk to him about anything, so I did. I had been dating someone, but had to break it off as this situation wasn't fair to that person (who was wonderful and very nice and attentive...and I regret that very much already). I felt like I had to give this a chance, as I'd always wonder and had been wanting it for years. He was aware that I was dating and asked anyway. He said that he had been so hurt by things not working out years ago that he would intentionally push me away, but knew I cared about him and wanted us to be back together. He said it was entirely based on self-preservation. He said if I agreed to be his girlfriend, that he would happily be in the last relationship he'd ever be in. - Things were great for about a week. He seemed exactly how I always imagined. I sent him a few e-mails talking about my feelings. I felt like a child, really, looking up to a rockstar or something silly like that. It seemed unreal. I was thinking of making plans to visit him. After about a week, things just stopped. He started avoiding my texts and ignoring my calls. Any response I got from him was only to say he was very busy. This apparently included going to movies, sports games, etc. Suddenly, two days ago, he sent me several text messages criticizing my life. I asked what the deal was--he said he wasn't insulting me (he called me a child, said I had not grown up in 5 years, that I had false confidence, etc...some very hurtful things). I called him that night extremely upset at what he said. He acted completely different, and somewhat caring...but it felt fake. The next day he did not check on me. I asked for a response. He sent one hours later telling me not to be dramatic and that he is very busy. I didn't get the chance to visit, we never got the chance to meet. I'm angry because I cared about him for so long and I was actually very helpful when he would call and ask me math-related questions (pertaining to his work), as I have a degree in applied math and work in the area. After writing this, I feel pretty stupid... I feel like I have been an ego boost for him for years. Could I possibly be misreading this or am I right? Ugh... Please don't be cruel, I've had a very rough week for reasons unrelated to this post.
Outsider77 Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 This seems like a very strange relationship. Why would you be interested in a guy that had a fake marriage? I have no idea why he decided to ignore you after asking you to be his girlfriend, but why would you want to have to deal with that anyway? It's not worth it. Have you ever even met this guy in person? He's obviously not interested in you now. If he really wanted a relationship with you he would not be ignoring you. Cut him out of your life and forget about him. I really think you're wasting your time. 1
Author cattas Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 I completely agree that he's not interested and that the fake marriage (real or not, doesn't matter) is a huge red flag. I had forgotten about that part until I wrote it here. After writing my post, I thought "this is one huge, huge mistake". It's hard for me to realize some people are just bad people.
Outsider77 Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Some people are just bad people or just too screwed up to bother with. Often those people start off seeming ok, then things start to go bad but you are too deep in the relationship to see things clearly. Make sure that whenever you are in a relationship you ask yourself whether you would want someone you care about to be treated that way, or what advice you would give to them in that situation. It helps you to see things more objectively.
Solcita2 Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I think you're just an online partner that he only wants to spend time with whenever he has the time... You are like the OW but online... for whenever it's convenient for him... He did not change his real life for you, you shouldn't change yours for him.
Author cattas Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 Some people are just bad people or just too screwed up to bother with. Often those people start off seeming ok, then things start to go bad but you are too deep in the relationship to see things clearly. Make sure that whenever you are in a relationship you ask yourself whether you would want someone you care about to be treated that way, or what advice you would give to them in that situation. It helps you to see things more objectively. This is very good advice and it's completely true. What you're describing is exactly what happened--things started to seem good, then went bad. It's been very difficult to make myself see what's happening for what it really is. I fall easily into blaming myself...but his actions aren't my fault. That's hard to realize. I wouldn't want anyone I care about to be in a situation where they feel bad about themselves or are insulted for no reason (or well any reason). You are very wise to summarize things in such a concise manner as you have done. 1
Author cattas Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 I think you're just an online partner that he only wants to spend time with whenever he has the time... You are like the OW but online... for whenever it's convenient for him... He did not change his real life for you, you shouldn't change yours for him. You are 100% right... It hurts to read that. I have been wondering if he was actually still in a relationship and that's certainly what it sounds like. I've already had some damage to my life and I wish I could undo the past few weeks. I guess I'm wiser now though. Thank you for your words.
Recommended Posts