Could have never imagined this...

[karma628]

After a month of anonymous texts from someone out to get my husband, I receive an envelope at work with a copy of an email that was written by husband to a "past" love. That was 9/10 and it was a Tuesday. Since then, I have all the details of a on and off again 4yr rekindling that has shattered my life. I have been married 5 yrs to man that is 15 yrs my senior.

 

I was previously married for 20yrs and widowed ( tragic story ) and my current husband seemed to be a gift to me. We had an amazing relationship and I would often say out loud that ' I love my life'. This new found truth of my life was a complete shock. I still feel like I am in shock. The first thing I did was contact the OW and even met her for drinks. That is story all in it self. Bottom line, she loved my H. She also admitted to sending me the envelope but did not admit to the texts. Whatever. I guess it really doesn't matter. My H is remorseful, I guess. I don't know what I believe or even think these days. I moved out of the home. I can not imagine staying in this marriage but have been advised to not make any decisions right now.

 

The painful process of discovering the depth of this betrayal has been cruel. I think I have read the phrase on this forum describing it as "trickle truth". How does one function after betrayal. How long will this take and will I ever feel normal again? Do marriages survive this when there are not young children involved? I do have a step daughter that lives with us part time and I adore her. This has and will impact her but she knows that I will never abandon the relationship her and I have created. She has 2 very good parents. I digress. My H wants to 'fix it', he set us up with a therapist. My H can not tell me why he did this to us.

 

I begged to know my part; what I did or didn't do. He claims and I do agree that I was a loving, supportive and an ego boosting wife. I am a passionate person and when he stopped making love to me, I figured it was because of health issues and true to my vow, I allowed myself to be content because everything else in our marriage was ideal. Lo and behold, all his parts work fine.

 

He truly wants me to go through therapy with him so that he can answer the "Why?" of this nonsense. He is well educated, intuitive, has walking around sense and by no means retarted. How can he not know why he made the choices he made?

Edited October 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[hollyhillcourt]

I am SO sorry to hear this. The BSs here will be very helpful to you and I am sure they will respond shortly - many of them are very helpful. Check out the postings by ComingInHot. Please take care of yourself!!!!

[tinktronik]

So sorry this has happened OP. Hugs to you.

[ChooseTruth]

It's a very painful situation to be in. My advice is be careful about digging for "why" too much. I searched long and hard and pushed her to figure out why, especially using the "His Needs Her Needs" book. Ultimately it put the entire affair on my head and she never really looked into herself to find out what was broken inside her to make her act like this. We dug up lots of old issues she had with me, but I'm not convinced any of this "caused" the affair, especially since she stated out similar to your H, saying it was all her.

 

In retrospect I should have been most concerned with just simply getting the truth out of her. If you are only dealing with lies and minimizations, you can hardly begin to focus on "why".

 

My 2 cents anyway. There's lots more that can be said I'm sure it will be by other posters

[NotCamelot]

1. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I, and many here, do know exactly what you are feeling.

 

2. It is NOT your fault. Regardless of anything, there is nothing that you did that caused your spouse to go outside your marriage. He did indeed make that decision on his own.

 

3. Do not make any rash decisions. Take the time to think and talk about things before you choose what you are going to do.

 

He made the decision to be unfaithful to you. Now you get to make the decision about what happens next. I can't tell you how to reconcile after betrayal. I am still going through that myself. And it is a LONG road with a lot of bumps and potholes to hit everyday. If this is the road you choose to take, just know that it won't be easy. But it may be worth it.

 

The first year seems to be the worst, at least for me.

 

Have you seen him tell the OW that it is over? If not, that needs to be done and then no contact between them forever!

 

Find out what you need from him and the relationship if you are going to make it work. It may take some time until you know, but you will.

 

Professional counseling is necessary for a lot of people. If you do that, make sure it is one that works with infidelity.

 

Mainly take care of YOU. Eat right, excercise and try to find something positive to involve yourself with every day. Staying busy was the best thing for me.

 

Whether you stay or go, it won't be easy. I wish there was a pill we could take to make this all go away. But it takes hard work. I wish you the best.

[klotzak]

There will be a lot advice from some good and some challenging individuals with their own agenda.

I understand the world has fallen in ontop of your head and that you never ever deserved this, but please take your time on your decision making. Time isn't a few days, it has to be weeks and you will suffer extreme peaks and troughs - part of the healing process regardless of the outcome.

The fact he's straight onto counselling is a good sign, try it and if it makes 0.5% of this make sense it may be worth pursuing.

PLease though don't jump in like some of the BWs will advise and start a divorce and start being coerced into hating him. He has definitely messed up, you are definitely not at fault, whether you can find the strength to forgive ( but not forget) is down to you and the time you spend 'getting at it' to find out if it's something you can live with or without.

[harrybrown]

Have him give you a timeline of the affair.

 

He needs to be transparent to you and stop lying and hiding things from you.

 

He should go NC with the affair partner.

 

It is good to go to counseling for both of you.

 

If he is truly remorseful, you may make it, but he must be ready to help you fix your broken heart.

[karma628]

Thank you! Very humbling to know that so many really know this devastation first hand. Been grappling with the fact that my ego never would allow for this possibility, very humbling. I saw an email that H wrote to OW that pretty much ended things and I met with her. She said that it was finally over for her too, I offered up some help with that by reading aloud his experience with her. Of course, his account of this long affair was for my eyes but I didn't mind giving her a taste of it. I don't know if I want to live the rest of my life or even the next few years coming back from this ordeal. I love the man, I committed my life to us and I would have been true to that, happily. I do not want to not love him. I appreciate the advice of keeping busy and I really want to do that. I am just a drag right now, a shell of myself. I am angry about that. The OW pretty much stalked me for 4 years and I didn't have a clue. He did, he knew. Can not wrap my head around that. He knew a tidal wave was coming and all along he tried to diffuse it, it was coming anyway. He did not do a thing to protect me from the impact. I am so hurt because of that. How selfish is that? My H is convinced he can do the work it takes to fix it. Is he lying? Does even know what that really means; because I don't. I would not wish this pain on anyone and feel grateful that I am not alone.

Edited October 15, 2013 by karma628

[ChooseTruth]

Thank you! Very humbling to know that so many really know this devastation first hand. Been grappling with the fact that my ego never would allow for this possibility, very humbling. I saw an email that H wrote to OW that pretty much ended things and I met with her. She said that it was finally over for her too, I offered up some help with that by reading aloud his experience with her. Of course, his account of this long affair was for my eyes but I didn't mind giving her a taste of it. I don't know if I want to live the rest of my life or even the next few years coming back from this ordeal. I love the man, I committed my life to us and I would have been true to that, happily. I do not want to not love him. I appreciate the advice of keeping busy and I really want to do that. I am just a drag right now, a shell of myself. I am angry about that. The OW pretty much stalked me for 4 years and I didn't have a clue. He did, he knew. Can not wrap my head around that. He knew a tidal wave was coming and all along he tried to diffuse it, it was coming anyway. He did not do a thing to protect me from the impact. I am so hurt because of that. How selfish is that? My H is convinced he can do the work it takes to fix it. Is he lying? Does even know what that really means; because I don't. I would not wish this pain on anyone and feel grateful that I am not alone.

It's hard for us to know. My thought is keep your eyes peeled. My ex also went to counseling pretty much straight away, but the honesty was not there even with the counselor. She was "working", and yet I didn't know the real truth until 4 months after D-Day, and that was because I snooped.

[karma628]

In response to seethingandsmiling:

Apparently, after our first year of marriage, H received an email from the OW congratulating him on his marriage and was surprised that he had not shared the info with her. They had not seen each other in years since they broke up. That is how it begins. They both have said that in the 4 years the relationship had mostly been email and phone conversations. However, they met in public a few times and then starting going for "drives" and then hotels. In 4 yrs they connected in person probably 20x. H claims that she was wanting more time and he was being dismissive, supposedly because this affair was eating him up. This is what I believe to be the reason that she began to text me. I know she sent those texts, no doubt about it, although, she claims that she was seen leaving his office and since was also receiving anonymous texts. The day I receive the first text was last time they had sex in his office. They communicated regarding the suspicious texts and he did not think for a second that it was her the entire time. He believed someone had seen them and was out to get him. I believed that because of the nature of his business that it was possible that someone would try to wreck him. I never suspected an actual affair and I defended him the entire time. Then came the envelope to my office. Even on the day I received it, H called her to coordinate damage control. Eventually, he realized that she had been the one to open pandoras box and now claims he is repulsed by her vindictiveness. He sent a final email to her stating that fact and shortly after that, she contacted me directly. We spoke on the phone and then arranged to meet for a drink. I spent 3 hours with this woman. I wanted all she was willing to say and I wanted to look her in the eye. I was calm and matter of fact. I offered her compassion because even after the initial phone conversation, I knew she was pathetic. She said that she hopes I will forgive him. Please. Give me a break. She claims she will always love him but knows now that he loves me. She stated that she is finally over him. WHATEVER!!! Keep him. I will admit that she did scare me a little bit because she knew so much about me. She even approached the company I work for and attempted to get a job. Anyway, I actually believe that I have too much information. I sought it out and I got it.

You have hit the nail on the head regarding all the fears that I have about reconciling. I do not think I want to live that way. At the same time, I do want to be comforted by H. He has been very good at taking care of me. He wants to do it. I almost feel like I would be leading him on if I let him. I have made arrangements to live away until after the holidays and decide on divorce then. In the meantime, I am just trying to get through each day.

[hollyhillcourt]

In response to seethingandsmiling:

Apparently, after our first year of marriage, H received an email from the OW congratulating him on his marriage and was surprised that he had not shared the info with her. They had not seen each other in years since they broke up. That is how it begins. They both have said that in the 4 years the relationship had mostly been email and phone conversations. However, they met in public a few times and then starting going for "drives" and then hotels. In 4 yrs they connected in person probably 20x. H claims that she was wanting more time and he was being dismissive, supposedly because this affair was eating him up. This is what I believe to be the reason that she began to text me. I know she sent those texts, no doubt about it, although, she claims that she was seen leaving his office and since was also receiving anonymous texts. The day I receive the first text was last time they had sex in his office. They communicated regarding the suspicious texts and he did not think for a second that it was her the entire time. He believed someone had seen them and was out to get him. I believed that because of the nature of his business that it was possible that someone would try to wreck him. I never suspected an actual affair and I defended him the entire time. Then came the envelope to my office. Even on the day I received it, H called her to coordinate damage control. Eventually, he realized that she had been the one to open pandoras box and now claims he is repulsed by her vindictiveness. He sent a final email to her stating that fact and shortly after that, she contacted me directly. We spoke on the phone and then arranged to meet for a drink. I spent 3 hours with this woman. I wanted all she was willing to say and I wanted to look her in the eye. I was calm and matter of fact. I offered her compassion because even after the initial phone conversation, I knew she was pathetic. She said that she hopes I will forgive him. Please. Give me a break. She claims she will always love him but knows now that he loves me. She stated that she is finally over him. WHATEVER!!! Keep him. I will admit that she did scare me a little bit because she knew so much about me. She even approached the company I work for and attempted to get a job. Anyway, I actually believe that I have too much information. I sought it out and I got it.

You have hit the nail on the head regarding all the fears that I have about reconciling. I do not think I want to live that way. At the same time, I do want to be comforted by H. He has been very good at taking care of me. He wants to do it. I almost feel like I would be leading him on if I let him. I have made arrangements to live away until after the holidays and decide on divorce then. In the meantime, I am just trying to get through each day.

 

WOW. How incredibly painful. This OW is unstable. I hope your husband is hitting himself in the head repeatedly. Distance sounds good so you can clear your head.

 

I give you two HUGE thumbs up on how you handled her and how you are working your way through this.

[karma628]

Thank you for the encouragement and the great suggestion about giving myself the gift of time. I spent a day with a male friend, that was/is a cheater so that I may pick his brain. Boy, he was enlightening. Anyway, his parting words to me were, " Be necessary to yourself." Not until I read weski's post did it occur to me what he meant by that. Honestly, I don't know how anyone could handle this well. It actually scares me that I can start the day ok, get ready and go to work and then at mid day, I become unfocused and almost disoriented. This is sad. My H is not having a very good time of it either. My instinct is to comfort the man. Should I be doing that? We are a huge mess and nothing feels right but when we are together ( maybe once or twice a week ) we are all over each other. I leave feeling ok but later I think I am leading him to believe that I can handle this crap. I can't, I am pretty sure.

[Try]

I am sorry that you are here. If just reading your story makes me feel sad, living it must be horrible. No matter what he later says to try to shift some of the blame on you, do not buy into it. No one is perfect, so there will always be some reason to try to blame you, but remember that you not being perfect is not a valid reason for him to be unfaithful to you.

 

He has been unfaithful to you for almost your entire marriage with him. Worse yet he willing gave the other woman (OW) home court advantage where she got to know everything about you, while you did not even know of her existence, much less that your marraige was under attack by her. This is one of the worst betrayals that I have read about in a long time. Most betrayed spouses have a good marriage prior to the cheating to try to go back to, but your marriage to this man has been a shame almost from the beginning. There is nothing there to try to go back to. Again, I am so sorry that you are here. You did nothing to deserve this. You have only to remember your long marraige that left you a widow, to know that you know how to be a good spouse. It is all on him and not you. Try not to let him get too much of it on you. Be well and good luck.

Edited October 19, 2013 by Try

[Speakingofwhich]

Karma, it sounds as if your husband has poor boundaries to have reconnected with a friend so early in your M, which from what you've written seems very warm and loving, and have it become an A, rather than his A being the result of him feeling something was missing in your M.

 

Are you certain he was faithful in his first marriage? Just wondering if boundaries have always been an issue for him and may have caused problems with As in his first M.

 

Also, his not protecting you from the stalking of this woman (am I confused on this? I think he knew she was stalking you?) is very disappointing. From your post, I get the impression he's weak in more than one area of his character, but warm and fuzzy.

 

IMHO you're wise to separate from him, at least for a time, so that he can face consequences for his behavior.

[Spark1111]

I think it is most important you go to Individual Counseling where you have a place to go and vent alone.

 

You certainly can also attend couple's counseling with him but please remain honest about what you are feeling and how you remain unsure what the future will be together with both your H and the MC.

 

I am sorry you are going through this and I wish you peace.

[2sunny]

So... He cheats and betrays you and now has you sympathizing with him.

 

Poor baby, he's a real gem.

 

Why did his prior M end? Find out if he cheated then, too.

 

I think he's a master manipulator - he's not sorry he cheated ---> he's sorry he got CAUGHT!!!

 

Big difference!

 

He cheated when you had a great time/life together? Sheez, I wonder what he will do when times are difficult?

 

He lacks character, integrity and honor! You can't make him change. It's tough to learn those character traits at this late age - you either learn them as a child or not. He obviously missed that in childhood.

 

I'd cut my losses and move FORWARD knowing this is who he is!

 

You can start again - but I doubt staying with him can grow him a conscience and integrity.

 

Bottom line is - he'd still be betraying you and laughing behind your back if you hadn't had someone give you solid evidence. Great guy.

 

Hugs

Edited October 20, 2013 by 2sunny

[karma628]

As each day passes and it all sinks in, I am clearer that being a BS is not something I can live with longer than I have to, divorce will happen. I know that I am not a perfect person but I am a quality person. It is sad that I have to leave a marriage that I cherished and a man that I truly adored. He is a decent person with huge character flaws, it is too bad that his flaws are the type that ruined a genuine love for him. I also know that depending on him for comfort is wrong. I'm taking advantage of his guilt and in return I am getting some kind of sick satisfaction. Someone said " call a spade a spade". So true. I have also read the OW forum and my goodness, there is a whole lotta messes going on. I could never be that woman and I thank all that is good that I will never be that self loathing. If I were to stay in this marriage, I would not be a better off than those OW. I do understand fully how some couples can and should recover from betrayal and be better off for it. I admire it and could even encourage it. It takes some serious strength and courage to pull that off the right way. I'm not feeling it with my situation and that is harsh reality. My hat is off to the folks that are willing to fight for their marriage. For the OW, even my OW, please know that your value does not come the attention of others. All by yourself, you are enough. There is true love and true commitment, if you want it. Be the person that you want in your life. This divorce will be difficult but I will again be open to true love. I'm only 43 and I have a long painful and beautiful road ahead. Thank you to LS for allowing me to receive the insight and encouragement of some amazing human beings.

[Solcita2]

((((hugs))))

[Speakingofwhich]

As each day passes and it all sinks in, I am clearer that being a BS is not something I can live with longer than I have to, divorce will happen. I know that I am not a perfect person but I am a quality person. It is sad that I have to leave a marriage that I cherished and a man that I truly adored. He is a decent person with huge character flaws, it is too bad that his flaws are the type that ruined a genuine love for him. I also know that depending on him for comfort is wrong. I'm taking advantage of his guilt and in return I am getting some kind of sick satisfaction. Someone said " call a spade a spade". So true. I have also read the OW forum and my goodness, there is a whole lotta messes going on. I could never be that woman and I thank all that is good that I will never be that self loathing. If I were to stay in this marriage, I would not be a better off than those OW. I do understand fully how some couples can and should recover from betrayal and be better off for it. I admire it and could even encourage it. It takes some serious strength and courage to pull that off the right way. I'm not feeling it with my situation and that is harsh reality. My hat is off to the folks that are willing to fight for their marriage. For the OW, even my OW, please know that your value does not come the attention of others. All by yourself, you are enough. There is true love and true commitment, if you want it. Be the person that you want in your life. This divorce will be difficult but I will again be open to true love. I'm only 43 and I have a long painful and beautiful road ahead. Thank you to LS for allowing me to receive the insight and encouragement of some amazing human beings.

 

Karma, what a beautiful, insightful, strong, uplifting, courageous and graceful post!

 

Honestly, it really encouraged me and I plan to save it to reread as needed! Some of the things you wrote are truths I need to keep at the forefront of my mind!

 

I've no doubts but that you will prosper! I know you will be kind to your WH as you are already demonstrating in your post here by not wanting to take advantage of the comfort he provides in your grief.

 

And I believe the kindness you show him, even as you D, will prepare the way for a greater love than his to come your way! You seem to be an exceptional woman! God bless.