sambo77 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 (1) I know. It's hell. The worst pain imaginable. We're all in it and we all know exactly what I mean when I say that. You can guarantee you're gonna hurt for some time. I'm not religious and there are times I've been begging him up there to make the pain go away. But nothing. He doesn't listen. And neither would she, my ex...and they're the only two people (well, God isn't a person) who could stop this all right now. (2) So I'm stuck with it. As are you. The intensely unpleasant aching, the devastating loss of hope, the torturous memories, the even more torturous thoughts of her with somebody else, rock bottom self esteem because I'm easily replaceable and not enough for her, and the feeling of being nothing. Waking in the small hours of the morning only to remember she's gone, not even bothering to check my phone any longer because I've lost hope she'll get in touch, and wandering around like a zombie who sees no point in anything. (3) But you have to ride it out. I always find trying to avoid feeling it is the worst thing. Forcing myself to do stuff when all I wanna do is cry, grieve, lay in bed, die, wallow or go over it all, is the worst thing for me. My grief is like a flood that needs to come out...I see no sense in holding it in or denying it that chance to pour out. You do hit rock bottom at some point. And you can only come back up from there. You just gotta feel it and let it pass through you. Like a flood, eventually there'll be nothing left to pass through the gates. (4) Without the flame of hope we die...sometimes literally. Our relationships were linked to our hopes and dreams inextricably. We lose them and we lose our hope for a while. The dreams and hopes we had sketched out have been wiped away and we are left hopeless . No wonder we flounder. But all that remains for us to do is to wait for new hopes to spring up in their place. This can't happen overnight...but there are infinite possibilities and dreams to hope for...and we will find new hope in time. (5) Suffering is essential. Imagine a utopia where everyone you loved loved you forever. Nobody ever got hurt in love. Nobody ever hurt themselves at all, or suffered in any way. Might sound appealing at first, but we would all be blissfully in love with our first loves forever. How would we ever know the strength that we have inside us if we never suffer? How would we ever learn to roll up our sleeves and fight? How would we ever understand what love is if we never lost it? How would we develop empathy for others? The harsh truth is, we NEED suffering to grow. My fellow downtrodden people...we are growing as we suffer together here. When it's all over, we are going to end up in a place we could ONLY have ended up had we gone through our suffering. We will be wiser, stronger, and better equipped to help others because of it. 8
geegee81 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Nice post! Thank you for writing it. We all need suffering to grow. But how much suffering? Ive been choosing the wrong men for a few years now. I havent learned from my mistakes and ive been ignoring red flags. How do i keep myself from ignoring red flags? Im tired of suffering form failed relationships. I have problems with seeing good in people...I see too much good and ignore the bad. What should i do? 3
Author sambo77 Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 Hey geegee...I hear you. Think about this though... Well...if you're tired of suffering from failed relationships, some might say you would benefit from learning NOT to be in a relationship? Let's be honest, most relationships fail in the end...even many couples who are still together are part of a failed relationship (they just haven't admitted it yet). If you're tired of suffering from the loss of them...learning to live without one might be useful? Do you really wanna be the kind of cynic who looks for the bad in people? Wouldn't that mean you'd go into your relationships looking for what's likely to bring you down in the end? That'd be like going on a cruise but spending the whole of your time looking for icebergs on the horizon and checking the hull for weaknesses...you'd never enjoy the ride geegee. I'd say the lesson is that love ALWAYS carries a significant risk of loss. It will LIKELY be followed by loss. I guess I'm not saying that by suffering we can somehow become so wise that we can make it so that we never have to suffer again. I'm saying that by suffering we can become so wise that we recognise suffering as an inevitable part of love and life, develop confidence in our ability to ride it out when we encounter it, and not let the fear of it stop us from loving if we occasionally get the chance to as we walk our lonely paths.
geegee81 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Good evening! I hope you had a nice day. Here’s the thing with me….I go many years being single and celibate. Before this last failed attempt at a relationship, I was single and happy for 2.5 years. I casually dated, but no sex or kissing. No strings attached. I have a few decent, nice guys that genuinely want to be with me, but I chose the wrong one every time. So I know how to be single and happy. I love going out to dinner, partying, hanging with friends, shopping, etc. I just took another chance at love and failed again. I keep choosing the wrong guy. I’m like “how much suffering do I have to do before I learn from my mistakes…. My brain stops working when I’m in lust and love. No I don’t want to be cynical. I love people. I’m always happy, smiling, and hyper. I always seek good in people, but I get hurt every time. I just need to know when and how to walk away. “ by suffering we can become so wise that we recognize suffering as an inevitable part of love and life, develop confidence in our ability to ride it out when we encounter it, and not let the fear of it stop us from loving if we occasionally get the chance to as we walk our lonely paths”...... Ok, I dig this quote! I agree. I never let heart ache stop me from loving again and I’ve learned to bounce back fast. I’ve become resilient over the years. Its just the initial disappointment of it all take a toll on me..... I cant wait until the day that i can have a real, meaningful relationship with a good guy.
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