muso_romantic Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I'm very interested in a girl but in a dilemma about how to approach her about it. I would like people’s advice and thoughts. She is the friend of a friend and I need to explain a bit about the friend first. I have been married for 10 years (recently separated). I have a friend (Anna) who I worked with during the first year of my marriage. We got on really well and just before she left, we kissed quite passionately after a works night out. A few years later, we met up, got very drunk and ended up going back to her place. I stayed the night, during which we had drunken fumbles and it was a bit embarrassing in the morning. I think she felt guilty at having brought me back. We’ve re-established friendly contact again this year. She now lives in London (I live 100 miles away). I had cause to go to London recently and we arranged to meet at a bar. She brought her friend Clare along who I immediately recognised. She was someone who I had spotted a while back on Anna's Facebook friends as being very her very attractive housemate. Obviously, you can’t go contacting every attractive girl you see on Facebook (at least I don’t!) – you can only hope that you get the chance to meet them – and I’m so far glad I did. I should say she's much younger than me – I’m 39, she’s 24. During the evening, most of the conversation was taken up with me explaining the ins and outs of my marriage breakdown so not the merriest of nights. However, I did feel Clare and I had a little spark of connection – we did similar degree courses, and joked about some things to do with that, and other little signs like when I mentioned something about my habits she seemed to make a point of saying how she would do exactly the same. Not much, but one does tend to cling on to these things. Overall, she left an impression on my mind as someone clever and thoughtful – just my type, in addition to being physically attractive. While we were talking, Anna explained that I’d worked with her 10 years ago. I was surprised that Clare did not already know this (i.e. that Anna might have explained before arriving) so I assume Clare did not (and may still not) know the full details of mine and Anna’s history. At one point, Clare mentioned to Anna that she thought they ought to go and although Anna was going to stay, she agreed to go back with Clare (pretty obvious decision seeing as they live together). Now, here is the dilemma. How (and should) I go about pursuing Clare? We live in separate cities which doesn’t make it easy. She may not find me attractive (she did suggest leaving, after all), and my personal situation isn’t great (kids, recent separation, no job at the moment). However, I can’t let all of those things stop me. I could add her to my Facebook friends and gently start chatting to her, but I’ve pretty much stopped using my account for reasons to do with not liking the site and I don’t want to start it up again just to pursue her. I feel that would be being untrue to myself. I don’t have her mobile but I do know where she works, so – I’ve thought about booking travel to London to get there for lunchtime and phoning her at work to see if she fancies going for lunch. 10 or 15 years ago this would have been fairly normal but I realise that now this may be very over the top and stalker-ish (without first approaching online, I mean). My main concern is how it would seem to Anna. Part of me thinks I should speak to her about it first. Not just to sound out whether Clare likes me but mainly to ‘ask her permission’ given our history and that they are friends and housemates. I don’t want to appear like I’m going behind her back. Our past events are just that – in the past – but somehow it feels disrespectful to go chasing after her mates (if you want to put it like that). Maybe if I was just open about it, ring Anna and say “look, I’m going through this dilemma, what do you think…?” Then I'd risk being put off doing anything about it, when if I approached Clare first things might develop. That’s pretty much where I stand. The longer I leave things, the odder it will seem, I feel. Any thoughts greatly appreciated.
Divasu Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I don't think anything good can come out of a situation that is this complicated.
Author muso_romantic Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 I don't think anything good can come out of a situation that is this complicated. I understand your reaction but why do you think the situation is complicated? maybe I made it sound complicated by the details I went into! Which aspects do you think make it particularly prone to not working?
emva07 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 You haven't hooked up with Anna in 10 yrs right ? I'd say tell Clare you're into her voir also tell her how you know Anna.
Divasu Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 maybe I made it sound complicated by the details I went into! Exactly.
Author muso_romantic Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 You haven't hooked up with Anna in 10 yrs right ? I'd say tell Clare you're into her voir also tell her how you know Anna. It sounds so obvious when someone else says it! Thanks. I do believe in laying all your cards on the table as soon as possible. I kind of presume she might know by now, anyway. It was actually 4years since I'd seen Anna (our drunken night) but I take your implied point about it having been long enough ago to not worry about it.
Heart of the Desert Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 You just got out of a 10 year marriage, there is no need to rush anything. Especialy with someone 100 miles away. I don't think you need to ask Anna's permison for anything, you are all adults. She may have feelings for you thats true and I understand the importance of being considerate. Perhaps instead of talking about Clare you can be clear with Ana that you see her as a friend. It's simple really, all you have to say is something like "Thanks for being my friend". Just keep contact with Clare and take things slow. Go about establishing roots in your new life and sense of self outside of marriage. I would say just get to know Clare more as a person and maybe as time goes you can connect and meet up and see if you two have something going on, but there is no need to rush. No harm in being flirty with her and all but no need to jump the gun. As long as you don't use Ana to get to Clare I think you are golden. 1
Author muso_romantic Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 Exactly. Again, I understand why you say that (!) You could argue that many truly attractive romantic situations are rendered attractive because they're complicated. People like excitement. I feel it's unfair to dismiss something as too complicated just because I've chosen to paint the whole picture.
Divasu Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Again, I understand why you say that (!) You could argue that many truly attractive romantic situations are rendered attractive because they're complicated. People like excitement. I feel it's unfair to dismiss something as too complicated just because I've chosen to paint the whole picture. Well, you don't need our permission or blessings to ask out a woman you are interested in. So, stop with the blabbering already. You'll thank me later.
Heart of the Desert Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 It sounds so obvious when someone else says it! Thanks. I do believe in laying all your cards on the table as soon as possible. I kind of presume she might know by now, anyway. It was actually 4years since I'd seen Anna (our drunken night) but I take your implied point about it having been long enough ago to not worry about it. Wait you just got out of a 10 year marriage but you hooked up with Anna 4 years ago. I am not one to judge but it does call to question the dynamic you two have as "Friends" Any way, I would say it is probably not the best to just show all your cards with Clare. You might scare her away. Escpecialy since you just got out of a marriage which she is fully aware of. Just be flirty with her and make a connection and then mention you are going to be in town sometime soon and see if she wants to meet up. If she agrees than you can have a merry old time. But showing your cards could stiffle the attraction. You have to build an attraction with her, you only met once and most of the interaction was about your divorce. Build a repetroir with her. 1
Author muso_romantic Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 You just got out of a 10 year marriage, there is no need to rush anything. Especialy with someone 100 miles away. I don't think you need to ask Anna's permison for anything, you are all adults. She may have feelings for you thats true and I understand the importance of being considerate. Perhaps instead of talking about Clare you can be clear with Ana that you see her as a friend. It's simple really, all you have to say is something like "Thanks for being my friend". Just keep contact with Clare and take things slow. Go about establishing roots in your new life and sense of self outside of marriage. I would say just get to know Clare more as a person and maybe as time goes you can connect and meet up and see if you two have something going on, but there is no need to rush. No harm in being flirty with her and all but no need to jump the gun. As long as you don't use Ana to get to Clare I think you are golden. Those are very wise words, and it basically sums up how I would advise someone in my situation - if I'm honest. It's the impatient side of me which is eager to have some companionship which is preventing me from advising myself so rationally. I'd like to point out that I did write Anna an email the next day thanking her for meeting and sorry she had to leave early etc. I did take the opportunity to say that I considered her a good friend and that that was all I expected, just as you suggest. I suppose the tricky thing is keeping contact with Clare. I feel it is inevitable that I will do the Facebook thing but I think that by its very nature, it instantly renders someone a 'friend' and any attempt to take things further after that might be uncomfortable. I know this isn't always the case, though.
Heart of the Desert Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I suppose the tricky thing is keeping contact with Clare. I feel it is inevitable that I will do the Facebook thing but I think that by its very nature, it instantly renders someone a 'friend' and any attempt to take things further after that might be uncomfortable. I know this isn't always the case, though. Not so man. You just have to be flirty about it. Be smooth, build an attraction. As it stands facebook is the only way you have of reaching her so work with what you have got.
Author muso_romantic Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 Wait you just got out of a 10 year marriage but you hooked up with Anna 4 years ago. I am not one to judge but it does call to question the dynamic you two have as "Friends" Any way, I would say it is probably not the best to just show all your cards with Clare. You might scare her away. Escpecialy since you just got out of a marriage which she is fully aware of. Just be flirty with her and make a connection and then mention you are going to be in town sometime soon and see if she wants to meet up. If she agrees than you can have a merry old time. But showing your cards could stiffle the attraction. You have to build an attraction with her, you only met once and most of the interaction was about your divorce. Build a repetroir with her. As with your other post -wise words that do help me see things clearly. I do have a history of rushing things and spoiling chances. So I will try and learn from my mistakes. As for the fling with Anna, I must admit, I couldn't say for sure that if we went out for a drink on our own, something wouldn't happen. But I'm far more attracted to Clare and I think my wanting to see how things might work with her would prevent me from ruining that chance.
Author muso_romantic Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 Not so man. You just have to be flirty about it. Be smooth, build an attraction. As it stands facebook is the only way you have of reaching her so work with what you have got. Better than cold calling her at work, I suppose! Seems crazy to think I was considering that now. It's so good to discuss things.
Heart of the Desert Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 (edited) It sounds to me like a lot of this is really about going through the motions of being newly single. Understand that your desire for companionship is deeply intwined with your having just gone through a divorce. You don't want Clare to just be a rebound, and you don't want to jeopordize your friendship with Anna. Just be wise about you subcouncious impulses here and focus on working on your self. Think about it, if Clare hadn't been there the line of friendship between you and Anna probably would have been a little bit more grey. You are single, the possibilities are many. You actualy met someone you are interested in, but remember what it was like being single before your marriage. A lot of trial and error and missfires. Enjoy being single. There are plenty of woman in your area I am sure. No need to get hung up on just one 100 miles away. Not that you shouldn't pursue it further, as something great could come from it. But don't jump the gun. Focus on your self. Love will come, but you need to make room in your life for it. Best way to make that room is to heal from your divorce and pursue an independant life outside of your last marriage. That being said. Clare is waiting for you man, don't keep her waiting too long! Edited October 14, 2013 by Heart of the Desert 1
deathandtaxes Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 gut response - nope. Too far away. Just not worth it.
Author muso_romantic Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 gut response - nope. Too far away. Just not worth it. I agree, the distance is not ideal. It may scupper things early on, in which case, so be it. Or it might not. I'm simply going to take it steady, not force things and see what happens.
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