Zoidberg84 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 So I had a great date on Friday with a woman I met through eharmony. She is a recent grad with an engineering degree. I had a really good time with her and I thought we were really clicking and have been texting back and forth since. Anyway she gave me her last name out of the blue so we could connect via Facebook. When I got the last name I googled her real quick to look her up on Facebook (it's iust how I search for people on the site). The results were surprising. She was arrested 2 times back in 2009 and 2010 for retail theft and a charge of possession of drug parephenalia. The court documents were right on the first page of results. I didn't go digging for this stuff initially, it was right there. 10 more minutes of searching brought up the guy she was arrested with, who has a couple more arrests to his name and a bust for possession of heroin. I figured the parephenalia charge was for a bong or something. All I could really find was the court docs so I am dealing with an incomplete picture. I have never smoked or done drugs and I have a few sips of alcohol once or twice a year. I like her, but I have to admit that I am not at all comfortable with this. When I saw the heroin thing, I think the possobility of a relationship went out the window. I think I am a wuss, but that's how I feel. I think I need to call her tonight to let her know I found this stuff and that I wouldn't be comfortable with dating her. The trouble is that we made plans for tomorrow night before I found out about this stuff. Any advice on what to say or do would be greatly appreciated.
lollipopspot Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 (edited) I'd be very uncomfortable with that discovery too. But are you really sure you want to call it off just yet, without talking to her about it first? She just graduated with an engineering degree. It sounds like she really got herself together. Sometimes people make mistakes in their youth, and really do manage to turn it around. That's just my opinion, but of course you should do what you're comfortable with. I probably give too many chances. Edit: how old is she? The answer to that might change my thought a little... Edited October 14, 2013 by lollipopspot 1
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Dude, definitely ditch that girl. I had a similar thing happen to me a few years ago and I stayed around out of desperation and lack of options. It was a bad idea. While people do change, a leopard generally doesn't change its spots. You've been warned.
thefooloftheyear Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Here is what I woul do if I was in your shoes and you really liked her... Next time you are out with her, make up a BS story...Tell her that some guy you know got clipped for a drug offense, his family is let down , he lost his job, blah, blah....Then, casually say something like..."what do you think of that?"...If she says nothing or tries to say something like"that sucks, drugs are sooooo bad, shame on him" then dump her...If she then tells you her story and seems very contrite, then I would move forward, but keep my eyes open.. Some people do honestly change...But many dont.. TFY
Author Zoidberg84 Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 She is 26. She does seem like she has her stuff together, but I am still uncomfortable with this situation. I think I could be friends with her, but not anything more. It does seem like she has changed (at least based on my incomplete picture). At this point, I think I call her tonight and be straightforward. I suppose I could do it in person tomorrow, but if it were me I would just like to be told over the phone. 1
FitChick Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Are you sure it was her or just someone with the same name? That has happened to me before when searching for someone. Unless there was a mug shot. If that was long ago and it was her, she got a wake up call and turned her life around. Everyone makes mistakes. 2
ConstantVoyager Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Just ask her about it. Even if it is her, people do deserve a second chance. You may be throwing away something good because of stuff she did in the past that she's now overcome. Keep your eyes and heart open.
CptSaveAho Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 yup the joys of online dating... real winners this was on "eharmony" supposedly the better of the sites... right I wouldnt have even posted a thread about it on an internet forum, i would move on
nescafe1982 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Are you sure it was her or just someone with the same name? That has happened to me before when searching for someone. Unless there was a mug shot. If that was long ago and it was her, she got a wake up call and turned her life around. Everyone makes mistakes. Yes. I want to +1 this. I have an odd name, and there is only one other woman in the USA who has it. She is the same age as I. She's a three time felon, meth addict, and violent offender. I just recently got a PhD in the Humanities and I write for a living. So be careful about assuming too much. That said, though. Even I have an arrest record and a checkered past. So even if these offenses ARE all her, they may not globally define who she is. I would watch how she is today. Eventually talk to her frankly about it (I would disagree with the poster who said this should be approached indirectly. There's no way to "casually" bring this up without looking transparent IMO) But if you've been out ONCE, I think it's premature to bring it up... that is, if she now truly has her life together. If her current behavior in any way mirrors the offenses you found, though... I'd call it off.
crederer Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I dunno maybe she got caught up with the wrong guy when she was young and naive and he dragged her into his garbage. I know more than one person where this was the case and they're both pretty solid contributors into society now. Same ages as this woman. 2
deathandtaxes Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Here is what I woul do if I was in your shoes and you really liked her... Next time you are out with her, make up a BS story...Tell her that some guy you know got clipped for a drug offense, his family is let down , he lost his job, blah, blah....Then, casually say something like..."what do you think of that?"...If she says nothing or tries to say something like"that sucks, drugs are sooooo bad, shame on him" then dump her...If she then tells you her story and seems very contrite, then I would move forward, but keep my eyes open.. Some people do honestly change...But many dont.. TFY Party foul. Too passive aggressive and it doesn't accomplish anything except coming off as an *******. OP - if it worries you so much, ask her about it. Just say you googled her name and tell her what you found. Let her divulge as much information as she wants. If you really like her, be HONEST and be assertive. Don't play games.
carhill Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 OP, while I'd continue the get to know process and see what shakes out, along with dating other ladies, if you choose to discuss this with her, merely print out the evidence and discuss it in person. As I routinely do background checks as part of my business as a landlord, and do so with far more personally identifiable information than you currently have access to, I'd echo the suggestions of other members regarding whether this person is the same person in the court documents. Even more detailed background checks can have mistakes in them. As relevant, time will reveal the truth. Up to you how you wish to pass it. Good luck. 1
todreaminblue Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I dotn understand how criminal records can come up on google..criminal records are normally confidential arent they?..so grateful i dont have one if that is the case..... just a thought....apparently in a suburb over from me, there is a person with my same name......this immediately got me paranoid somehow she has my id.....but its not there is actually someone with my name......but not me.....and when i facebooked my own name to check my privacy level(what other people see) there are a couple of people with my name...... how do you know its the person you are dating..... criminal records are normally confidential arent they?.......thats why you cant go to the police adn say i want to know about this person or this person.....i have tried.......tried to get info on where someone was who assaulted me i wanted to clear soem things up.....contact him...wouldnt give me any info....police have told me if someone has a rap sheet though but that took me persuading them to let me know.........deb
thefooloftheyear Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Party foul. Too passive aggressive and it doesn't accomplish anything except coming off as an *******. OP - if it worries you so much, ask her about it. Just say you googled her name and tell her what you found. Let her divulge as much information as she wants. If you really like her, be HONEST and be assertive. Don't play games. Why? First of all..its not passive aggressive...Look up the word before you call it something that its not... Its not a game..Its due diligence on his part..This way you will know if she is the type that is prone to lying as well...He barely knows her...He doesnt owe her anything...If anything SHE is the one that should have volunteered that info..Its serious enough that if you want to date someone you should divulge that part of your past. Especially now, when any idiot with a computer can find out that about you... To me, it would speak VOLUMES to her character if she came clean on her own, rather than being confronted with it.. TFY
carhill Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I dotn understand how criminal records can come up on google..criminal records are normally confidential arent they?..so grateful i dont have one if that is the case.....In my jurisdiction, criminal records of adults are public information and courts which have created online portals for information can be searched. Civil court records are also generally searchable, and can provide potential corroboration for criminal records. Every background check I perform includes criminal and civil court searches amongst all searchable jurisdictions. As society is quite mobile, people can and do commit crimes/are sanctioned nearly everywhere. I personally would not investigate or surveil a prospective or casual dating partner, but YMMV. People have differing opinions on such matters and should necessarily do what's best for them. 1
deathandtaxes Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 TFY - it's not assertive and it's game playing. Because you're not coming out straight with the person.
nescafe1982 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 If anything SHE is the one that should have volunteered that info..Its serious enough that if you want to date someone you should divulge that part of your past. Right. We should all tell someone our most shameful moments and darkest secrets on the first date. To do anything different would be dishonest! Could you imagine how this would go down? "I stole a lipstick at JC Penney's when I was 18." "I cheated on a former girlfriend." "I fell in love with my boss." "I've had an abortion." "I've been sexually abused." "Sometimes when I'm masturbating I think about food/what's on TV tonight." Great date small talk. I mean, come on. There's disclosure and then there is shooting oneself in the foot on a first date. I don't think she would be wrong for choosing not to disclose to a near stranger on this... IF (and this is still a big IF) she is actually the same person OP found on Google. And I agree: asking her about this in any way other than candidly is playing games. Setting a trap for her is indeed passive-aggressive (in the most traditional sense of the term). Honestly, this is the age of Google (a post-privacy world! horrors!) but whatever is in the woman's past isn't really anyone else's business as early as OP is saying it is. So, if I was in OP's shoes I'd be more apt to leave it alone until when/if it becomes relevant to talk about. 1
henderson14 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 OLD is full of damaged men/women. Your just going to be wasting your time. Most people never fully break a drug addiction. It can be a lifelong struggle. I have a feeling you are going to discover a lot more baggage than what you think.
lollipopspot Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 No one is getting my last name until after we establish we are in a relationship. That's a tough one. I'm not sure if you're a male or female, but I think a lot of females wouldn't want to be alone with a male in a car or even go on a date if the guy isn't forthcoming with that basic information. 1
HeyKat Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 You could just ask her if she knows where to score some heroin. (I kid...mostly) She may have been involved indirectly, if it bothers you that much confront her, face to face, but really, after one date she doesn't owe you her life story.
lollipopspot Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Doesn't matter, no one should know your full name until you establish that you want to be together. I've never heard of that - once you've agreed to go out on the initial date. Other opinions?
lollipopspot Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Well, definitely if a woman is going to get in a car with a man alone, or probably even go out with him at all, she should know his full name.
nescafe1982 Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 So someone should know your full name after 1 date? I always did, fwiw. I'm a woman who did OLD until I met my current BF there. And I would think it was weird if a man made it a point not to tell me his full name. I also had a careful game plan for first dates: meet the guy there (no shared cars), leave separately, and 30 minutes in, I'd have a girlfriend call to check on me. If the man I met was sketchy I would use that phone call to make my exit. If not, I would ignore, then text her the "all clear" in the ladies room. I never had to "escape" a date... but I might pull a red flag on a guy who wouldn't tell me his name. His address? okay, that's different... but name?
todreaminblue Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 In my jurisdiction, criminal records of adults are public information and courts which have created online portals for information can be searched. Civil court records are also generally searchable, and can provide potential corroboration for criminal records. Every background check I perform includes criminal and civil court searches amongst all searchable jurisdictions. As society is quite mobile, people can and do commit crimes/are sanctioned nearly everywhere. I personally would not investigate or surveil a prospective or casual dating partner, but YMMV. People have differing opinions on such matters and should necessarily do what's best for them. thanks carhill for the information......I have never really done a background check on anyone...had one done on me recently it had to go through the police database in australia and it took quite a while it was for a volunteer organisation i work for.......so i would assume criminal records are not available publicly in oz........ on google....dont know if i would do a background check on anyone anyway even if it were ......i get to know the person over time, observe interactions with others, especially children and take them for how they are in the present not what they have done in the past and hope to god that they are not a serial killer or child molester.....deb
Trimmer Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Next time you are out with her, make up a BS story...Tell her that some guy you know got clipped for a drug offense, his family is let down , he lost his job, blah, blah....Then, casually say something like..."what do you think of that?"...If she says nothing or tries to say something like"that sucks, drugs are sooooo bad, shame on him" then dump her...If she then tells you her story and seems very contrite, then I would move forward, but keep my eyes open.. Its not a game..Its due diligence on his part.. It is a game, as you describe it. You suggest he makes up a "BS story" (your words) to try to set a trap to see which way she will respond. Split hairs as you wish; I call that a game. And, if I were advising the woman on the other side of that equation, and she told me someone pulled that kind of a routine on her, I'd tell her it shows a lack of character on his part. If you want to talk about it with her, talk about it with her. Don't make it into a secret agent spy game.
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