kumar123 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 (edited) Okay so I've been dating someone for about 2 months and it's getting pretty serious. I just met his mom last weekend and he admitted to me that he's beginning to fall in love with me. Everything is going great, except he's irritable and gets easily upset. He's 100% aware of this. For instance, we got into a few minor disagreements. Stupid things, like how he thinks it's a bad idea I'm renting a car for a few days (spent $40 total USD on the rental car for 4 days which is very cheap) because my car is dead. Or he sometimes misinterprets things I say and makes them into something it's not. It's like he's picking a fight with me and then denies things he told me in the past. He outright denies what he says! Fortunately, I've had a relationship like this before and know to stand my ground and not take that treatment from someone. It's controlling, rude and disrespectful. I was ready to cut him off, until he told me he knows what he's doing, apologized for it, told me he was handling it incorrectly and that this happens when he's in a bad mood and he'll work on it and that it's not acceptable. This issue was more apparent the last 2 weeks since he's been really stressed with work, getting sick and family issues. He told me he'd work on it about 5 days ago. He texts me every other day and I briefly saw him a couple of days ago for 15 minutes and he hugged me, cuddled and kissed me and said he wished I could stay the night. I offered, and then he said he was irritable (he's been really sick and has been sleeping all day; I know this is true because we live near each other) and it was best to not spend the evening together. We had a date for the next night and then he canceled, partially cause he was really tired and the irritable thing. And he hasn't responded to my texts since yesterday. I'm worried this might be a big problem to look out for. I'm fine dealing and acknowledging it as long as he continues to work on it, but I'm wondering how others deal with this. It does bother me that I have to kind of work around his irritability like that. I really like him and want to see where this goes, but I'm a really laidback person. I rarely get annoyed or angry. I'm optimistic and just like to enjoy life so it's my first time dating someone like this. He loves my attitude on life but I'm really not sure how I can deal with this negativity and irritability on a long term basis, especially since it feels like I'm trying to avoid his random grumpiness and it's hard for me to just joke around and be 100% natural without him over reading some things that I say. Thoughts? Also one other question.... I haven't heard from him in a bit because he was tired and feeling sick. And I'm wondering if it's best to give someone like this space? Wait for him to contact me? I wrote him a couple of sweet texts about making him soup, asking if he was okay over the weekend and he's been unresponsive. This is just really unusual with my interactions with him, since this behavior has been apparent over the past week. Edited October 14, 2013 by kumar123
bluechocolate Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 hmm.... 2 months ? In the beginning of a new relationship people are usually on their best behaviour & more than willing to spend time together so I would expect that things will only get worse for you, not better. ...but I'm really not sure how I can deal with this negativity and irritability on a long term basis, especially since it feels like I'm trying to avoid his random grumpiness and it's hard for me to just joke around and be 100% natural without him over reading some things that I say. Thoughts? Yep, this guy is not for you. 1
umirano Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 How sick is he? I mean... if he's a little sick (so little that he can still go to work and get stressed out) and acts crazy... Idk I wouldn't accept it. And if he gets very sick, why on earth would he be irritable with you??? That makes no sense at all. Most people are happy when someone keeps them company when they're sick. Never in my RS was being tired or sick a reason not to text or let the SO know I love her. I strongly suggest moving on.
Author kumar123 Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 Thanks for the wake up call guys. You are all right. This is probably unacceptable. I know he went to work today so he can't be that sick, and still never responded to my text about how he was feeling. I literally texted him, "Good morning! How are you feeling?" and no response. It sucks cause I do really like him and had high hopes about this, but I don't get why he's not texting me back all of a sudden.
Author kumar123 Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 Now he's saying he has mononucleosis... idk if I should believe it. As you know if you get mono you can't kiss someone for months or whatever, and he's in his late 20s and I've never had mono in my life. Egh, just seems odd.
carhill Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 IMO, if you still feel this worthy of effort, the next time you interact outside of in-person, either suggest he call you (if he texts you) or you call him (your initiation). Conducting intimate relationships through texting is a poor substitute for the kind of communication required in serious long-term relationships, presuming that's what you're interested in. In person is preferred, then via phone, then via text/e-mail. Anyone who can face another when having sex with them can face them to discuss and resolve relationship issues. He texts me every other day and I briefly saw him a couple of days ago for 15 minutes and he hugged me, cuddled and kissed me and said he wished I could stay the night. I offered, and then he said he was irritable (he's been really sick and has been sleeping all day If I'm reading this right, he is physically affectionate with you and asks you to stay the night and, when you agree, he apparently has a change of heart, back to being irritable. If accurate, that's a canary worth paying attention to. I can state that no woman I've ever known as a friend nor lover would ever have tolerated that kind of behavior from myself. Either they were far different from yourself or I'm far less attractive, hence less worthy of 'putting up with', than your boyfriend is. IDK. Good luck. 2
HokeyReligions Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 He says he's working o his irritability ask if it would be beneficial for you to go to a couple of therapy sessions. If he's trying to change himself by telling you he's working on but in reality is doing nothing -- RUN.
Author kumar123 Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 Okay so I'm pretty much done with this. He just wrote me a bunch of texts about how sick HE IS, pretty much not acknowledging his back and forth behavior and complaining the whole time (negative behavior). I offered that we talk on the phone or I can come over if he wants company and it would make me happy to spend time with him, and he replied with, "thanks." That's all he wrote! That's it. What's the best way to proceed after this? Just ignore the text entirely or write him something along the lines of, "if you want to get together again, let me know."? I'm pretty disappointed by his responses and I really like him, but perhaps you are right about this going south. We have barely spoken the last few days and I feel like I'm on his schedule again.
lollipopspot Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I've been with a moody partner before. It was often not very pleasant, and I felt like I was walking around on eggshells. I would not want to be with a person who frequently gets irritable and angry again, and takes it out on other people. I won't say never, but that person had better have some fantastically stellar qualities to make up for it. Oh, and he didn't show me that moodiness when we were first dating, either. So this is probably a bad sign for you. 1
Author kumar123 Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 I've been with a moody partner before. It was often not very pleasant, and I felt like I was walking around on eggshells. I would not want to be with a person who frequently gets irritable and angry again, and takes it out on other people. I won't say never, but that person had better have some fantastically stellar qualities to make up for it. Oh, and he didn't show me that moodiness when we were first dating, either. So this is probably a bad sign for you. That's good to know. I agree and I'll cut it off. Any tips on cutting it off or making sure the ball is in his court? I could ignore his text entirely but that feels passive aggressive. I'm really not down for playing this moodiness game anymore. And after that last text, I realized this is just too much of a problem for me.
lollipopspot Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Well, maybe send the infamous "we need to talk" text. Then get together with him and tell him this isn't working. You find his irritability would be too frustrating or stressful for you long-term.
todreaminblue Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 didn't know what mono was so looked it up.......and it says fatigue and irritability you said two months and it said something about lasting 4 to 6 weeks sometimes longer in adults...... i would give the guy a chance.......as far as it being early on i would rather see a guys flaws than have him hide them until the honeymoon period was over...its not the good qualities that test a relationship( those qualities are the ones that can help keep it together) its the flaws that two people have and what you can and cant put up with.....if you see flaws early on you already know what needs work...... and i do believe flaws in a relationship that one person has and the other doesnt,can be overirridden by good qualities, you can come together to grow and learn from each other as people....i know this is idealistic...but how you learn qualities you dont have is to learn them by being with someone who does.......thats my opinion....how else do you change but to know and learn that to me is personal growth......anyway .....in my opinion if he knows his flaws and is trying to work on them ......compromise and give him that chance to show you that...seep some of your patience into his life,and he may just having something you can draw from being with him...its all growth.....deb
Author kumar123 Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 didn't know what mono was so looked it up.......and it says fatigue and irritability you said two months and it said something about lasting 4 to 6 weeks sometimes longer in adults...... i would give the guy a chance.......as far as it being early on i would rather see a guys flaws than have him hide them until the honeymoon period was over...its not the good qualities that test a relationship( those qualities are the ones that can help keep it together) its the flaws that two people have and what you can and cant put up with.....if you see flaws early on you already know what needs work...... and i do believe flaws in a relationship that one person has and the other doesnt,can be overirridden by good qualities, you can come together to grow and learn from each other as people....i know this is idealistic...but how you learn qualities you dont have is to learn them by being with someone who does.......thats my opinion....how else do you change but to know and learn that to me is personal growth......anyway .....in my opinion if he knows his flaws and is trying to work on them ......compromise and give him that chance to show you that...seep some of your patience into his life,and he may just having something you can draw from being with him...its all growth.....deb I do agree with you about the flaws. This is the first guy I've dated who has been brutally honest about his flaws. And he doesn't give cheesy, corny flaws haha (i.e., I apologize too much) but admits the really big stuff that was problematic in prior relationships and how he's working on it. Like I said, he admits he's irritable, it's not okay and so on. He's made a lot of major lifestyle changes before we met that are very evident which is why I've been willing to be patient with him. For the most part everything is great, but some things come out (not red flags, just flaws). I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him and am not willing to put up with a guy's crap. I'm still unsure what to do. I am thinking for now maybe I'll give him some space and let him come to me. He knows I care and wants to spend time with him. If any of his feelings are true, then I'm sure he'll get back to me. Regarding his irritability, I just don't know... but this might be a dealbreaker for me, maybe it's too early to tell and make a harsh decision.
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