Author katielee Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 Yeah but don't you want to be free of all that?? There is something wrong with starting all over with someone different. You wouldn't have to worry about the ''What if it he cheats again'' nor deal with the visuals. did you mean nothing wrong? No nothing wrong but breaking both our hearts again and our kids' we really don't check that much anymore.
samsungxoxo Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 did you mean nothing wrong? No nothing wrong but breaking both our hearts again and our kids'I read about a woman that cheated and her husband filed for divorce. Their two kids are doing fine with it. If you're just keeping the marriage for the sake of your kids then that's going to destroy them more than if you split up with him. Break his heart? He didn't seem to care about breaking your heart when you had to catch him cheat. But ok whatever you think suits you the best.
2sunny Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 yep that is correct. I am not sure if I can get past it, although I'm trying. He is sure he wants to stay together. I'm guessing we both would bring the same mistrust to a new relationship. Yes, I've considered it. We have been together for 28 years, have 4 grown children. lots to consider. My therapist told me to weigh the pros and cons of staying and going. So that's what it comes down to? And if I decide to stay that means never feeling bad or angry about what happened. I can't do that. Since you admit you aren't willing to grow PAST the cheating (from BOTH of you) - then it may be useful to be on your own for a long while to determine how YOU can grow all on YOUR OWN. At this point - it's not about him - it's not only about the cheating... It IS about you hanging on to anger. You need professional help to find out HOW you can completely change your outlook, and move PAST the anger (fear). Being full of anger and fear isn't useful unless you want to throw all that negativity inward - and then spew it out and onto the others around you. A punishment of sorts? Absolutely! It's very mean spirited in a backhanded means. Work on yourself. See IF you can find a more contented version of yourself - THEN offer that gift to others.
Author katielee Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 I believe he cheated on me twice because he was so broken by what I did. Healthy - no. Forgiveable - I don't know. Am I still here because I think I caused some of this? - yes. And that is SO HARD to admit... We do love each other. But we caused the other one so much pain. 1
2sunny Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Feeding negative energy with MORE negative energy does NOT equate to LOVE!
Author katielee Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 2sunny - I'm not quite sure what you mean. negative energy? I think I'm doing the best that I can under the circumstances. I think most ppl would have divorced or ended up in the loony bin after all this. I guess I consider myself a survivor who is contemplating if she's making the correct choice.
Author katielee Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 Since you admit you aren't willing to grow PAST the cheating (from BOTH of you) - I said I'm having a hard time and I don't know if I can.... I can't just snap my fingers and do it.
samsungxoxo Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 We do love each other. But we caused the other one so much pain.Then you guys love each other in a twisted, distorted way. That's not the way I would like a man to love me. Frankly, I can't understand how cheating on a husband, the husband cheating back on you twice and letting you see it can be called love. I think when many married couples have it so hard and are dealing with infidelity or other trust issues, they are more into working out than divorce but the love/sparks must have disappear at some time. This to me would be like a sign of resignation and in a way continue to settle for less because of the so called mentality of ''Well what I have left, since we're married and can't leave easily like a relationship, I have to put up with whatever comes''. I honestly would never find myself doing that because I would be ashamed to not have self-esteem and think highly of myself. I love myself more than any future bf/husband I'll love later on.
Author katielee Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 Then you guys love each other in a twisted, distorted way. That's not the way I would like a man to love me. Frankly, I can't understand how cheating on a husband, the husband cheating back on you twice and letting you see it can be called love. I think when many married couples have it so hard and are dealing with infidelity or other trust issues, they are more into working out than divorce but the love/sparks must have disappear at some time. This to me would be like a sign of resignation and in a way continue to settle for less because of the so called mentality of ''Well what I have left, since we're married and can't leave easily like a relationship, I have to put up with whatever comes''. I honestly would never find myself doing that because I would be ashamed to not have self-esteem and think highly of myself. I love myself more than any future bf/husband I'll love later on. for four months out of 28 years we did... but samsung, I really like this post. Thank you... I'll think on this.
2sunny Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 2sunny - I'm not quite sure what you mean. negative energy? I think I'm doing the best that I can under the circumstances. I think most ppl would have divorced or ended up in the loony bin after all this. I guess I consider myself a survivor who is contemplating if she's making the correct choice. You blatantly state you are unwilling to let go if your anger. That is on ONLY you. That is up to YOU to change that about YOURSELF. Otherwise you are only offering anger into the M - and there's no way to get a happy M out of anger and resentments.
Author katielee Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 You blatantly state you are unwilling to let go if your anger. No, I really don't. I'm willing. I just dont' know how. People, books, sites, therapists all say WHY a person shouldn't have anger. But they don't say HOW to get rid of it. I don't think it's as simple as a decision. And there isn't much anger in my marriage. We get along well about 95% of the time... and my husband's affairs were the epitomy of anger.
2sunny Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Instead of asking why - only ask yourself HOW YOU can make it look completely opposite of what you've done in the past. DOING opposite brings a new result.
ladydesigner Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 I told him about the first one. Not the second. Yes triggers upset me. I'm tired of dealing with them. I trigger every day. Most aren't even mentioned. The Saturday one hit me hard. If he can't handle me occasionally getting enotional and angry about it he should leave. (((Katielee))) I trigger every day too and am tired. Do triggers still happen after D? 1
dichotomy Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 "And if I decide to stay that means never feeling bad or angry about what happened. I can't do that." Oh - I think you can stay and be angry -and keep working on it... but as you say how to deal with anger. You can feel it - but then what do you do with it? I think that is the toughest emotion (anger) for me to work on, and IC does help. Some of my anger was based on self esteem issues and comparison issues. Others I just worked and worked and worked on channels for them - exercise, making time for myself/being a bit selfish, and not letting others "steal energy" form me. But it is so tough. By the way thank you very much for the "rabbit hole" key word for triggers. My wife and I have been using other key words our therapist gave us to help our reconciliation for anger/arguments or important issues, but had not considered a key word for a trigger. These secrete key words have helped us, now we have another in our efforts.
2sunny Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 (((Katielee))) I trigger every day too and am tired. Do triggers still happen after D? Not as long as I don't hand him and his bad behavior any of my power. Not as long as I stay feeling neutral and focused on today - never the past that I can't change. I couldn't change him/his bad behavior - so it was best to end it after 23 years together. I'm free!
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