promod33 Posted December 6, 2004 Posted December 6, 2004 i have posted here before about my problem my wife has traveled to england for work three times ,the first time she when to england it was for 10 days and when she got home she said she wanted a divorce i had to convince her to give us a chance which she has but while we fought she told me she had feeling for a coworker and said she did not act on them and that the feelings started here, i later found out that he was in england at the same time.2nd trip to england was o k i guess we fought on the phone alot because she was always staying out late with coworkers and when she is home she is in bed by 9 o'clock.now it is a third trip and i am so insecure because this guy is over there again and again she is going out late with coworkers and he has gone out with them. when she calls us it is at 11 or 12 at night in england and always is to tired to talk to me and the kids am i over reacting with my jealousy or not i love her but am having a hard time trusting her .
kellydontwanttasleep Posted December 6, 2004 Posted December 6, 2004 i'm sorry for you and your kids. your wife is probably having an affair. be calm for your kids sake and start coming to terms that this may be over. try to keep things calm and peaceful for the kids and start talking about it.
Author promod33 Posted December 7, 2004 Author Posted December 7, 2004 thanks kelly should i wait till i have proof or roll the dice and question her when she comes home in three days i feel so helpless not being able to know what she is doing over there. i called her this morning at 7 her time and she was not even awake saying she was really tired but she went to bed a 11 now i think did she stay up after i phoned her last night or did she go to sleep. i have told her many times before if she has had or is having an affair tell me we will try to work through it but if i find out later i will be the biggest pain in her a** i just don't know what to do
Debster Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 I would start compiling evidence. I feel for you.
Owl Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 Hate to say this friend, but what you've described does sound like an affair. And remember, the wandering spouse will almost NEVER admit to the affair, unless confronted with overwhelming evidence. Even then, they'll deny and minimize as much as they can. After all...an affair is supposed to be a SECRET...that's part of the excitement of it. Debster has the right of it...you need to start gathering info. I assume your wife has a cell phone. You can usually request an itemized online invoice from most carriers...some will even show usage up to the last 24 hours. Take a look at her invoice for the last several months for specific numbers, and look for text messaging and unusual times for calls too (like after you go to bed, or whenever you know you were out of the house). Put a keylogger on your computer. If you know your wife's email and chat logins, nows a good time to check out what she's sent and recieved, and from whom. If you can log into her IM accounts, turn on the archive/log feature, so you can go in later and review her conversations. This is how I caught my wife during her online emotional affair. She denied it right up until I emailed her the log file of her chats...then she almost left me. Rough times ahead for you friend...I feel for you!
sylviaguardian Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 I really feel for you - I know what that helpless and powerless feeling is like. I hate to say this, but gut instincts usually have some basis. I agree with the others that people who cheat will not admit to it without evidence. I know my husband only confessed to things as I found evidence through going through e-mails, phone bills, bank statements etc. The double-bluff approach also worked for me, but what eventually go tmy husband to confess was just by saying to him "Look I know something is going on. If you have any respect for me, tell me" He knew I was serious and couldn't go on being lied to. I am so sorry for you being in this predicament. Sylvia
jmargel Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 I would be concerned as well. Have you two tried marriage counseling? Grass is greener on the other side until you have to eat it. That's why affairs don't develop into long lasting relationships. Not only because the excitement is gone, but the relationship starts off with alot of the baggage due to the last relationship. When you talk to her on the phone, don't accuse, don't even ask questions about where she was, etc.. The more you push her the faster she'll run away. Right now she is being immature and selfish and anything she can use against you, she will. When she comes back home, ask her the normal questions about how was your trip, etc.. Let a few days pass and then bring up marriage counseling. You two have communication issues, especially if you are fighting. Check out my link in my signature it might do you some good.
Author promod33 Posted December 7, 2004 Author Posted December 7, 2004 she does not want to go to counseling at all though i do have an apointment for myself wich i will keep i need to talk to somebuddy to know that i am not going crazy and also this way if we do split up i know i have done all i can do for my childrens sake . we do have a good relationship when she is home we were getting along but i am very insecure when she is in england i must say i have found no evidence that says she is cheating but her action leaves me to think so . like just now i asked her to call me from work and she say she wants to wait and call me from the hotel because she wants to talk to the kids to but i wonder why she can't call me from work and i could call her at the hotel later is there a rule in marriage that says one phone call per day
Owl Posted December 7, 2004 Posted December 7, 2004 OK...she doesn't want to do counseling. Tell her its not for her...its for you. Tell her that YOU need the joint counseling to work through things. Honestly, I don't think she wants to go to counseling because she knows the truth will come out there. If she agreed to stay and work on it instead of getting a divorce, she's got no excuse for not going to counseling. WHY did she want the divorce? Heck, don't feel bad about being insecure when she's in England...last time she came home she wanted out of your marriage!! You'd be a fool not to worry. To me, that's the most telling evidence you've got so far of an affair. I'd make it clear to her that you need this counseling. Make it clear that you've no intention of giving up on your marriage and doing a divorce until you've tried counseling first. Don't let her think there's an easy way out of this...because you can't begin working on the cause of whatever is going on until you KNOW what is going on. Good luck!
Author promod33 Posted December 8, 2004 Author Posted December 8, 2004 owl she said when she wanted the divorce when she got back the first time from england because she did not love me and had not for along time .she said she did not want me to touch her physically or sexually.she also said that i had treated her bad which if anybody knows me it is not in my nature.i am home with the kids more then her .she also said when she was in england that she had freedom not having to take care of anybody but her. what i have a hard time understanding is she said she had feeling for a coworker that happened at work but that the feelings started here not england because he treated her good and talked nice to her ,i just wonder how that takes place at work when other people are around. my thinking is something happened in england no she regrets it while she is home but goes a head while being there. will i ever be able to trust her again or will i be wondering all the time
Owl Posted December 8, 2004 Posted December 8, 2004 Sounds exactly like an affair to me friend. She went to England, her feelings for the OM blossomed there, they likely began a relationship around that same time. She doesn't love you, she doesn't want you to touch her. That's because right now she's "in love" with the OM. And until she breaks it off completely with him, there is not much you're going to be able to do about it. An affair has to end, and contact has to be broken before her feelings for you will come back in front of her. They likely never went away...she's just blinded by the OM right now. That's how it was in my wife's case at least. It takes weeks after she breaks it off with the OM before she'll start to come around...its a withdrawl from the addiction of the affair. You're going to have to "catch" her at it, or you're going to have to get her to admit to the affair (good luck) before you're going to be able to move forward. I'd suggest gathering info as I'd suggested before. Not sure what else to suggest at this point...anyone else have ideas??
sadhubby Posted December 8, 2004 Posted December 8, 2004 man know how you feel my wife said the same things she wasnt feeling it for me she new she loved me but she wasnt feeling it for me .at that time the affair was going on they will be real selfish and not consider your feelings at all and the whole time tell you your acting like a crazy person.your not going crazy you probably found your way here becuase you typed in infedelity on an internet search right thats what i did at that time becuase my gut told me there was somthing wrong.my wife had the greener grass on the other side syndrome she even had the nerve to tell me when we started to work things out that she could see it wasnt greener.and when they do it admit there downfalls they will only tell you what they have to good luck my freind sounds like your getting ready to go for the rollercoaster ride it suks man... my marriage is better than ever now but im afraid i might have the resentment ball growing inside me now..
Author promod33 Posted December 9, 2004 Author Posted December 9, 2004 well got a phone call today from my wife saying her work has asked her to stay another week because the system is down over there . i had been saying that that would happen but she said she would not have to .i told her if they want her to stay they would have to fly me and the kids over there which of course they said no then they asked if she could stay through the weekend which again i said no,if her work only knew the problems we were having i bet they would not even ask.now is she going to resent me for telling her no ? me the most important thing is my kids who miss there mother . or was this a plan to stay in england to do what ever because she said some programmers were still flying home as usual which if a system is down would you not want everyone working on it
Owl Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Bluntly, she probably will resent you. You just denied her another week with her OM. And do you really believe her company asked her to stay, and then was willing to negotiate whether or not she would stay? I work in a major corporation...they would have told her to stay, and if she'd refused it would have been her job on the line. She's playing you.... Call her boss and ask about the staying an extra week. Tell him you're trying to decide about taking the kids over to be with their mom anyway...my bet is her boss would tell you she had put in vacation to stay an extra week, and that there wasn't a company reason for her to be there. Have you tried looking the her cell phone records yet? Or her personal email? I'm telling you, you're not going to be able to do much unless you've got proof she can't refute, or she'll have to break down and admit it to you. This may take longer than you'd like to work out friend. Look at what everyone's said here...no one admits an affair if they feel they have any chance at all of keeping it hidden and continuing...unless the guilt wears them down too much.
sylviaguardian Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by promod33 well got a phone call today from my wife saying her work has asked her to stay another week because the system is down over there . i had been saying that that would happen but she said she would not have to .i told her if they want her to stay they would have to fly me and the kids over there which of course they said no then they asked if she could stay through the weekend which again i said no,if her work only knew the problems we were having i bet they would not even ask.now is she going to resent me for telling her no ? me the most important thing is my kids who miss there mother . or was this a plan to stay in england to do what ever because she said some programmers were still flying home as usual which if a system is down would you not want everyone working on it It doesn't matter if she resents you. Under the circumstances you are perfectly entitled to say no, not just for the kids but for your own sake. I don't know if they would fly all the programmers home or not: maybe they have been asked but said no way! Tell her that, under the circumstances, it is not acceptable for her to stay longer. If need be, she can explain things to the people at her work. Tell your wife that when she returns that you both need to have a talk about where things are at and explain that you can't live under this stress. Try not to lose your cool and start shouting or anything. Just be very factual and cool. Hopefully she will have time to think on the way back and then try to find a time when the kids are not around to sit down and talk. One thing I've noticed on this website is that people who are being lied to usually make it easier for the people who lie by backing down or accepting stories that they know don't make sense. Ask her outright when you are face-to-face and keep it specific. e.g. don't say is something going on, ask her if she has an involvement with another man. It can help to 'hint' that you might know something. Even if she denies everything, you've surely been married long enough to spot lying. Only totally wierd people can directly lie without giving anything away. I so hope that you are wrong with your suspicions but it certainly seems that there are some issues in the marriage regardless. Good luck, Sylvia
Owl Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Sylvia has dropped a very good tactic...hint at more information than you really have. Let her think that you KNOW something, when you don't. Good interrogative technique.
Author promod33 Posted December 9, 2004 Author Posted December 9, 2004 owl i have looked at the phone records and everything checks out o k and as for her email we have joint email account and i have not seen any hotmail accounts however she has her work email account wich i do not have a password for . i have a key logger on our home pc to record everything but have know way of knowing whats on the work email adress though i have tried to hack into her work email well we will see when she calls the kids tonight to say good night . i will stick to my guns and tell her that she has to come home. ps. you guys are being very helpful
Author promod33 Posted December 15, 2004 Author Posted December 15, 2004 how would you go about catching a spouse you think is cheating
Owl Posted December 15, 2004 Posted December 15, 2004 I've listed my suggestions...checking her emails at home, have a keylogger installed on the computer, checking her cell phone for numbers/times that are repeat or dont make any sense to you. Have you looked at her phone records? Is there one number that is showing up consistently? Or being text messaged to a lot? I was thinking that she was due back this past weekend....how did it go when she got back? She seem upset about not staying longer in England? Anything suspicious? Check her dirty laundry for notes, stains, etc... Look through her planner/briefcase/etc...for cards, pictures, whatever. Look for tickets to shows, credit card receipts from bars, flower shops, gift shops, etc... If she uses an IM system on your home computer, start archiving its log files. Take a look at her credit card records for strange purchases, motel rooms, etc... Does she stay up late at nite after you go to bed? Check for calls, emails being sent, etc during that time if she does. I would have caught my wife sooner had I done that...she'd started calling her OM before she came upstairs to bed with me!!! Start looking at the call history on her phone as well. Is her co-worker married? If you REALLY are thinking there is an issue....what about talking with his wife? I wouldn't do this unless you are pretty darn convinced though...it's garuanteed to create a heck of a battle when you do... It sounds like she's got no reason to really think that you've been checking up on her, so its possible she's not completely gotten into hiding all the evidence yet. If she says she's going out sometime with "friends" or any time you've got the slightest inkling that she may be going with an OM...either follow her or have a friend follow her. If you suspect they get together at lunch time for example, wait by her building at lunch, and see what she does, where she goes, etc...
Moose Posted December 15, 2004 Posted December 15, 2004 <<<<<<<<<<<<Mental note, If Mrs. Moose starts showing signs of cheating, (yeah right), call on Owl to handle all PI work>>>>>>>>>
Owl Posted December 15, 2004 Posted December 15, 2004 Realize I've never admitted completely what it is I do for a living on LS?.... LOL... so now you know why my wife's online affair didn't last nearly as long as they thought it would! Once I REALLY began to suspect something...
Author promod33 Posted December 15, 2004 Author Posted December 15, 2004 hey owl yeah she got back on dec 10 th did not have a chance to check laundry also she does not use our p c at home and only emails people from her work computer and i do not know her work email password the p[hone records show nothing and she goes to bed at 9 and i go to bet at 11
Author promod33 Posted December 15, 2004 Author Posted December 15, 2004 also owl she said they did ask her to stay i wish i could somehow get into her email at work because nothing is on our comp at home . also the om has just a girl friend no wife and my wife said she only had a crush on o m
sylviaguardian Posted December 16, 2004 Posted December 16, 2004 Maybe you are worrying about nothing then. You said in your earlier post that you two were having problems in the marriage. Maybe she just wanted to get your attention or something? Sylvia
Owl Posted December 16, 2004 Posted December 16, 2004 Well...so far, you've found nothing that says "affair", have you? My thought is you should still seek counseling...for you at least, and for the marriage if at all possible. I don't recall if you said she'd refused counseling or not. But regardless...your marriage needs counseling...affair or not.
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