Do you have ex lovers you keep as friends?

[minkiemal]

I would like to know in the audience how many of you are dating someone but always keeps a loose tie to a man or woman you used to see?

 

I've been dating my bf for awhile & a few months back I caught him talking to his old lover (not gf) she being more pushy than him to see her, hang out, talk on the phone?

 

I told my bf how I felt on the situation, made me uncomfortable to see that so he told me he would cut her off, that she didn't matter in his life & he only saw her a friend but if it made me upset he would stop...

 

Well I saw her texting him again tonight after months of not hearing or seeing about her,

 

I told my bf I wanted to break up & that I didn't trust his loyalty. He begged me to understand the situation & that they are friends & nothing more...to the point he was crying..

 

Well now I don't know what to believe, my gut feeling, his excuses or the facts?

 

I just want to know how many people are in a relationship but are still talking to an ex gf or ex lover?

 

I just feel when I'm in a relationship I don't need to look back on anyone who I dated etc...

 

Even his roommate told me not to dump him over this...

 

Help!

[Mascara]

Not me. This has been discussed recently, but my view is that once a relationship is over, you don't get to keep a part of it. If your ex provided friendship, that was tied up with intimacy. As far as I'm concerned, if one part is over the other has to be as well. You only became friends because you were lovers. That's the kind of "friendship" you should only expect from one person at a time. I have no problem with a boyfriend having female friends, just not ones who are only friends because it was part of an intimate relationship.

 

I have wished all my exes well, but have refused to maintain a friendship with them.

[Emilia]

Yes I keep in touch with exes, friends with ex lovers, etc. Have just had a chat with one this morning. Two of my exes are very important to me and I keep them in my life on a non-negotiable basis. One is my ex husband whom I have known for 20 years another is an ex boyfriend who gets quite ill from time to time and there is no way I'll abandon him.

 

I sometimes meet their new girlfriends/partners and it's out in the open.

 

If a man can't deal with the fact that I have built strong bonds with others then he isn't the man for me. I'm very honest about this, he can meet them if he wants - though probably not the sick ex. I don't really see him anyway, more just text or talk on the phone so I know he is ok.

 

I don't discard people, especially not for a new relationship where it might or might not work out in the first place.

[emva07]

I think it really depends on the relationship you had with that ex, the breakup terms and their character.

 

Some exes respect the friend boundary. Some don't, and will want to have sex with you every time they see you, try to sabotage new relationships (my ex). So no....I will not be maintaining a friendship with THAT ex.

 

Also depends on how YOU handle it as well. Sometimes you feel like you can maintain a friendship but then realize you can't, sometimes you can.

 

It's just a whole mixture of things I think.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Yeah a few of my ex-lovers are good friends, several I still chat on the phone with and hang out with, the rest I'm on friendly terms with (I'd chat if I saw them out and about but wouldn't go out of my way to arrange a hang out) apart from the two men I had long term relationships with; we don't have any part of each others lives anymore.

 

I think it depends really, I've seen so many stories on here of people who are putting up with tonnes of **** from their or their partner's ex trying to cause trouble or break them up or get in the middle! My rule is if you're a friend of me, you should be a friend of the relationship. Not necessarily be my new partner's best friend, but be supportive of the fact that I'm now taken and show the relationship and my new boyfriend respect. So no slagging him off or talking badly about him, no overt flirting, no trying to drag up the old days to discuss. And I happily invite my bf along to any hang outs with exes because they're just friends now and I have nothing to hide. He might not always come along, but at least he knows it's an open invitation and I have nothing to hide there.

 

In my last relationship an ex of mine made an inappropriate comment that my then-bf blew up over and made it clear he didn't want me and this guy to have anything to do with each other any more. I respected that and understood it completely, so I cut contact. I wouldn't like a girl speaking to him in that way and for me to be upset and him to choose her so it was clearly the right thing to do. But he had a reason, and it wasn't just blanket jealousy. Luckily for me my current bf isn't remotely jealous (or if he is, he hides it pretty well) so nothing along those lines bothers him as although he's been burnt before, he chooses to trust me. Additionally I always tell him stuff if I think it might bother him or be something he felt he should know (I ran into my last serious ex for the first time since the break up, and we sat in the car and cleared the air for ten minutes before parting ways, haven't spoken or anything since but I told my bf because it's something I'd like to have known the other way around).... I think he realises I would never lie to him about anything because I come to him straight away when things happen that might seem a bit dubious and put it out into the open.

 

As for him and his exes, he hasn't really had many serious relationships before me, there's just one girl (the only one he loved before me) he sees around with mutual friends but doesn't like as a person anymore, and as for other women he's slept with/dated I don't even know which ones he speaks to or sees. I don't care, it doesn't feel relevant. I have enough friends who that boundary has blurred with at one stage and then gone back to pure friendship to know that those things don't matter, I don't tell him every time I have a chat with an old lover and I'm sure neither does he. It's each other we're with now But if he had a reason to be bothered about my friendship with a particular guy I'd much rather he brought it up so I could reassure him and see what the problem was. And if it really bothered him (and it would have to bother him significantly for him to mention it because he doesn't care about most things) and it was justified I'm sure I'd respect him and our relationship enough to make whatever adjustments were needed to make him feel secure and comfortable about things, because I love him and he's hopefully my future.

 

Couldn't be doing with this blanket ban on all communication with anybody I'd ever had sex with, though.

Edited October 14, 2013 by acrosstheuniverse

[Mascara]

Couldn't be doing with this blanket ban on all communication with anybody I'd ever had sex with, though.

 

Me neither. Fortunately that's not what I'm saying. I'm in friendly contact with a lot of exes, I'm just no longer friends with them. This means that if I can't remember the name of a book he read that I'm looking for, I'll shoot him an email. Or if he wants the name of the carpenter we used, he'll ring me.

 

It doesn't mean we have long chatty phone calls, hang out drinking.

 

As I've said before, I've not always followed my own advice, and I've accepted situations that made me uncomfortable. The most recent was a guy I was seeing who cut short one of our dates - because once a month, he and an ex scheduled a long (several hours) phone call to chat to each other and catch up.

[Maleficent]

As far as I am concerned, I've mentioned the one time I became close friends with an ex.

The others, I am on friendly terms with.

 

The thing is, everyone is so insecure in their new relationship that they see everything as a threat.

 

I have chosen to stop believing everyone is out to ruin my life so if I date a guy who is friends with his ex, I'll let it go.

I refuse to live on the premise that people are stupid enough to date someone while they really want to be with someone else.

[acrosstheuniverse]

As far as I am concerned, I've mentioned the one time I became close friends with an ex.

The others, I am on friendly terms with.

 

The thing is, everyone is so insecure in their new relationship that they see everything as a threat.

 

I have chosen to stop believing everyone is out to ruin my life so if I date a guy who is friends with his ex, I'll let it go.

I refuse to live on the premise that people are stupid enough to date someone while they really want to be with someone else.

 

It's strange, I've always thought that most people start out new relationships feeling like nothing's a threat; you're in the love bubble, everything's great, you barely know your new partner so you don't feel any possessiveness. And then as time wears on, you feel more and more possessive, because you feel like you have more of a right to have a say in their actions, you feel like they should consider you more, and you feel like as you get more serious they should naturally drop their exes as friends. That's how it's always felt guys are with me anyway.. starts out accepting everything, and eventually wants more and more of a say in what you do and who you speak to.

[Emilia]

It's strange, I've always thought that most people start out new relationships feeling like nothing's a threat; you're in the love bubble, everything's great, you barely know your new partner so you don't feel any possessiveness. And then as time wears on, you feel more and more possessive, because you feel like you have more of a right to have a say in their actions, you feel like they should consider you more, and you feel like as you get more serious they should naturally drop their exes as friends. That's how it's always felt guys are with me anyway.. starts out accepting everything, and eventually wants more and more of a say in what you do and who you speak to.

Agree. The first 2 months are the easiest then s**t hits the fan.

[Maleficent]

It's strange, I've always thought that most people start out new relationships feeling like nothing's a threat; you're in the love bubble, everything's great, you barely know your new partner so you don't feel any possessiveness. And then as time wears on, you feel more and more possessive, because you feel like you have more of a right to have a say in their actions, you feel like they should consider you more, and you feel like as you get more serious they should naturally drop their exes as friends. That's how it's always felt guys are with me anyway.. starts out accepting everything, and eventually wants more and more of a say in what you do and who you speak to.

 

I see things differently. The first few months is infatuation and we all know how quickly this can change.

Time goes by and the relationship strengthens

 

If I'm with someone for a year or more, it's pretty clear to me that my partner wants to be with me - not his ex.

[Axee]

I am very good friends over phone with one of my ex .. We were no contact for nearly 2 years and then he reconnected. He is like my mentor now.. He is engaged and I am single and we share all our life updates once a month or so..

 

I dont tell this to anyone bcoz ppl will never understand ... but both me and he are genuinely friends.

[CptSaveAho]

Yup... and these women cant figure out why they are still single and find a guy that would tolerate this

 

Have fun being single at the cost of keeping an ex as a friend

[Joaquin]

^^^ this is also my take.

 

Only reason to keep people around that you've ****ed before is to **** them again. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but when you've been there before it's ALWAYS on the cards. Throw in a few drinks and circumstances or opportunity then it becomes more likely than not.

Edited October 14, 2013 by Joaquin

[minkiemal]

Well in my situation with my bf

 

I gone through their texts & she wants to *** with him again, she'll send him nudes or ask to hangout without telling me.

 

When she does this, my bf changes the subject on her & her sexuality towards him BUT he doesn't cut her off either...

 

He's the best boyfriend I've ever had, loves me so much would jump the moon for me EXCEPT talking to this ex lover

 

He's hung out with her without telling me, his roommate (who is secretly in love with me & wouldn't lie) tells me when she's over & weather he suspects they are genuinly hanging or ***ing, he says they are truly just friends :-/

 

But from what I read in her texts its really not like that for her.

 

So I'm seeing him tonight to either finish off the relationship of 2 years & get my stuff or having a serious talk about continuing our relation

 

Any suggestions of advice?

[tlegend]

Well in my situation with my bf

 

I gone through their texts & she wants to *** with him again, she'll send him nudes or ask to hangout without telling me.

 

When she does this, my bf changes the subject on her & her sexuality towards him BUT he doesn't cut her off either...

 

He's the best boyfriend I've ever had, loves me so much would jump the moon for me EXCEPT talking to this ex lover

 

He's hung out with her without telling me, his roommate (who is secretly in love with me & wouldn't lie) tells me when she's over & weather he suspects they are genuinly hanging or ***ing, he says they are truly just friends :-/

 

But from what I read in her texts its really not like that for her.

 

So I'm seeing him tonight to either finish off the relationship of 2 years & get my stuff or having a serious talk about continuing our relation

 

Any suggestions of advice?

 

If he values the friendship of an ex-lover who clearly doesn't respect your relationship with him over the relationship with you, would you want to stay in the relationship?

[Phantom888]

This was one of the issues my woman and I disagreed on early in our relationship. She was FB friends with all the men she dated over the years. I don't believe in keeping contact with people from my past. I told her I was uncomfortable about it, and she unfriended all of them overnight. She said they were not important to her anyway. But there was one she had a serious relationship with, and she thought was a genuine friend. But that friend did not respect the friendship boundaries, so she ultimately told him to never contact again.

 

This has nothing to do with jealousy or insecurities. It's the way the friendships are. If you they are not true friends, why keep them in your life?

[nescafe1982]

I am not "friends" with exes. Too much potential for drama with my current relationship, and most of the men from my past... well we broke up because we weren't "right" for each other. Why stay friends, especially close ones, if the only potential is that the friendship could hold me back?

 

I am "friendly" with a number of men I've dated less seriously in the past. "friendly" meaning the occasional email or Facebook message, not hanging out regularly.

 

And any man in my life today (whether there's a history or not) has to be a "friend" to my relationship. The day a male friend starts flirting, undermining my current boyfriend, or being less than respectful is the day I distance myself from that male friend. Actually, this is true for the women in my life too, come to think of it.

 

Maybe these rules sound too rigid or "harsh," but honestly the issue doesn't come up that frequently. My friends are lovely people who don't cause much drama to begin with. And perhaps because I'm so rigid with my boundaries, former lovers/boyfriends don't try **** with me.

[WhiteButton]

I dont stay in touch with my ex girl friends. And i expect the same from the girls i date. I have been in a relationship where i let my GF text her ex. and it ended her cheating on me with him. I learned my lessons in life and i dont want to make same mistake twice.

 

And to be honest, i dont think you are asking to much from your partner if you say no contact with your ex. If they cant respect you for that, is it really worth pursuing that girl?

Edited October 14, 2013 by WhiteButton

[carhill]

Well in my situation with my bf

 

I gone through their texts & she wants to *** with him again, she'll send him nudes or ask to hangout without telling me.

 

That's not a friend, as they are clearly not a supporter of your two year relationship.

 

When she does this, my bf changes the subject on her & her sexuality towards him BUT he doesn't cut her off either...

 

That action defines passivity. It's a personality characteristic.

 

He's the best boyfriend I've ever had, loves me so much would jump the moon for me EXCEPT talking to this ex lover

 

Unfinished romantic business, which includes accepting romantic contacts from another without clear rebuttal, with another does not a best boyfriend make, though the preponderance of his actions might seem so. The most accomplished lovers have the art of sweet talk mastered. It derives from repetition and experience with results.

 

He's hung out with her without telling me, his roommate (who is secretly in love with me & wouldn't lie) tells me when she's over & weather he suspects they are genuinly hanging or ***ing, he says they are truly just friends :-/

 

He needs to have a talk with his roommate and this person's triangulation with you and him. This also is an issue, no less important than the ex-lover he's apparently talking to, and you're involved in this one.

 

But from what I read in her texts its really not like that for her.

 

So I'm seeing him tonight to either finish off the relationship of 2 years & get my stuff or having a serious talk about continuing our relation

 

Any suggestions of advice?

 

Gather up the requisite evidence, print it out and discuss boundaries. Friendships are fine, as long as the friend exhibits appropriate behavior and evidence of supporting the current primary relationship of their ex-lover.

 

Be clear about your boundaries. If he disagrees and offers no compromises acceptable to you, end the relationship. Forestall any inclination to become involved with his roommate, even if tempted. Move on to unrelated parties if you choose to move on. Good luck.

 

Edited to add that I have never had any ex-lovers as friends, as all my lovers have derived from LTR's or being M and I simply did not see any value in retaining or attempting to retain friendships with them. My exW and I are still cordial and we support each other's relationships but are not friends, as that implies mutual care and similar intrinsic interests, which are not a feature of our relationship.

Edited October 14, 2013 by carhill

[central]

I'm still friends with a handful of exes, most of whom I had sex with when we were together. My wife has a few male friends from past romantic relationships. For us, it's completely normal and expected to maintain friendships with people who have the good characteristics and mutual interests of friends but not the qualities to sustain a romantic relationship. We've both met each other's friends and get together with them whenever we are in the same area or go to visit.

 

That said, there are boundaries. If any of these friends did not respect our relationship, attempted to interfere with it, or crossed a boundary, they would be warned once and then dumped if they did not heed the warning.

 

I would also dump anyone I was dating if they could not accept past lovers who are now platonic friends. I don't need the drama, and don't respect anyone who wishes to control my innocent friendships.

[Emilia]

I'm still friends with a handful of exes, most of whom I had sex with when we were together. My wife has a few male friends from past romantic relationships. For us, it's completely normal and expected to maintain friendships with people who have the good characteristics and mutual interests of friends but not the qualities to sustain a romantic relationship. We've both met each other's friends and get together with them whenever we are in the same area or go to visit.

 

That said, there are boundaries. If any of these friends did not respect our relationship, attempted to interfere with it, or crossed a boundary, they would be warned once and then dumped if they did not heed the warning.

 

I would also dump anyone I was dating if they could not accept past lovers who are now platonic friends. I don't need the drama, and don't respect anyone who wishes to control my innocent friendships.

Pretty much view.

[Emilia]

^^^ this is also my take.

 

Only reason to keep people around that you've ****ed before is to **** them again. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but when you've been there before it's ALWAYS on the cards. Throw in a few drinks and circumstances or opportunity then it becomes more likely than not.

I think that depends on whether you are able to establish connections in your life that go beyond very basic primal needs or whether you value more nuanced emotional and intellectual bond with others. Of course by the same token it also depends on whether others value you to that extent.

 

Simply put: maybe you think this way because you aren't able to see beyond sex when you see a woman and perhaps you are not valued beyond your sexual abilities either by your partners. So in your life the above statemenet is true since there is nothing else to it.