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Issues. Love without attraction. Should I leave her?

rproblems

By rproblems
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rproblems Member

rproblems

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I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years. We have lived together the majority of the time. I love her, at least I think I do, and I have been in other long term relationships (not as long as this one, but most of them were about a year long, where i'd realize i didnt love the girl, and have no problem leaving them). I care about her a lot, she is an incredible human being. She cares about me, and she would do anything and everything for me, and I would do the same.

 

The problem is, I am not attracted to her, I will have sex with her when I know she really wants it and I am really horny. I enjoy the sex in the moment, but it is not at all "love making" its just sex to me. To her it is love making. She is ALWAYS wanting me to kiss her, make out with her, and have sex with her, and mess around, but I never want to, and frankly, I am somewhat grossed out by it. Although i picture myself doing those things with other women constantly. I feel bad. I hate that I feel this way, but i have felt this way for about 2 years. We get along really well other than that, we have similar interests and we can make each other laugh. We are best friends.

 

I have thought about ending it just so i dont hurt her by continuing to be with her when i am not attracted to her. As a result of this, I constantly think about, and look at, other girls, and I hate that I do it, but I do. But i am worried i would regret a break up because we are very used to being in each others lives and families. My family loves her immensely, and her family loves me, and vice/versa. Another problem is, that her family is very messed up, my family is more her family than hers is, and she has had a hard life as it is, and she would have no where to go if we broke up, and she would be so devastated if we broke up or of i told her how i really feel. I'm worried she would take her own life, she has mentioned that she would in that past (no, Its not a scare tactic in this case, and i realize that the majority of the time it is, i am a very good judge of character, and i know this girl very well, she doesnt play mind games). I genuinely enjoy spending time with her and i miss her when she is gone, but i dont think i could marry her just based on those two things, i need sexual physical attraction. She wants to get married and talks about it a lot, so do our families. I could see myself marrying her and just keeping part of her happy and away from the devastation of me being out of her life, but I fear I would never be truly 100% happy. I have talked to no one about this issue.

 

She would never leave me unless i cheated on her, which i would never do in a million years. But by staying with her, i am hurting both of us, although she knows nothing of how i feel. I am a very empathetic person and i would not be able to live with myself if i hurt her so deeply that she felt the need to die.

 

I know this is very long, but my story needed a lot of background to understand the full gravity of my situation. WHAT DO I DO??

Edited by rproblems
crederer Established Member

crederer

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What has changed with her physically? You had to have been attracted to her at one point to be with her for three years, for chrissake.

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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the kindest thing you can do for her is leave her and allow her to heal so that maybe she can find someone who loves her the way she wants to be loved and is unaware that she is not getting from you

 

 

the human heart has amazing capacity to overcome........many distressing horrible acts by others.......the most distressing act i can think of is to be unaware that the person you are in love with doesnt really want to be with you and thinks of others.......eventually you will cheat on her and leave her anyway...so do it before you find someone else...and give that amazing heart.....a chance to move on in the right way...with honesty and respect given and afforded to be given by you...allow god to keep her alive and he will be there when you are not.he has the proper love she needs to survive ...not you and your love, yours is twisted and incomplete....sorry.......but you dont love her and are with her out of obligation to be there...you are not obligated to love someone you dont love.....

thats why hearts that are cut deep, over and over again.....heal..god is there.....you cant save someoen who wants to end it...only god can be there at that time that exact moment he will pull her through with hope.....you are not the guy for her ...............best wishes...and i hope you do the right thing............deb

Edited by todreaminblue
Assasda Established Member

Assasda

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Is sex the only thing that's keeping you?? If so, that is super shallow, and you probably should leave her. If not, work it out, as a man, find a way to make her attractive. Tell her to buy some lengerie or whatever, but sex should be totally secondary.

 

Seem's like youre attracted to her personality, you should be able to tell her what turns you on

Juventa2012 Established Member

Juventa2012

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I'm also very curious as to why you're not attracted to her and have stayed this long? This reminds me of my ex. He never kissed me and made out with me and I could never figure out why. Makes me wonder....

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rproblems Member

rproblems

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What has changed with her physically? You had to have been attracted to her at one point to be with her for three years, for chrissake.

Honestly, nothing has changed. I have this bad habit that if a woman is attracted to me, I make myself believe that I am attracted to them, even though there are things about the person that I may not find attractive in reality. I think this is a result of lust.

 

To answer your question about why I've been with her so long if I'm not attracted to her; I love her personality, and after all of the other relationships I've been in, I haven't been able to get along with another female so well. Don't get me wrong, I think she is cute, I just don't think she is sexy, and I don't think any amount of lingerie will do the trick. Yes, I am very shallow. I wish I wasn't but I can't help it.

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rproblems Member

rproblems

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I'm also very curious as to why you're not attracted to her and have stayed this long? This reminds me of my ex. He never kissed me and made out with me and I could never figure out why. Makes me wonder....

Like what i said to @crederer I was in lust for the first year of our relationship, and after that, usually I realize that the girl has a crappy personality and I get bored and end it. But, with this one, we connect on that level. Which I realize is more important, but i really dont think it can work without a mutual physical attraction. Im not giving her what she wants, and she isnt giving me what i want. Whether selfish or not. Other guys would find her very attractive, i just have picky taste, whether i can afford to or not is another question that I wouldnt be able to answer because i am not very vain.

 

Also, my family fell in love with her fast and vice/versa. I like to help people, I feel for them (which is hypocritical in this sense somewhat), so I didnt/dont want to turn her back to her ****ty family who doesnt care about anyone else but themselves, she would have no where to go and doesn't really have any friends as support either. She would essentially be screwed if we broke up.

Edited by rproblems
TheGuard13 Established Member

TheGuard13

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Why couldn't she remain friends with you and your family if you guys broke up?

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rproblems Member

rproblems

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Why couldn't she remain friends with you and your family if you guys broke up?

That would be the most ideal, because that is basically what we are now, honestly. I mean, without intimacy, doesn't that just make friendship?

 

I highly doubt she would be able to stand seeing me or my family knowing that we aren't lovers anymore and knowing that her dream of us being together forever wasn't going to happen. She is deeply deeply in love with me. She has to be, not only because she says it all the time, but i feel it, and considering the way she acts and all she does for me.

 

I don't think she could stand being JUST my friend. Although I care about her a ton, so her being my friend still would be the most ideal situation.

odin673 Established Member

odin673

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Don't get me wrong, I think she is cute, I just don't think she is sexy, and I don't think any amount of lingerie will do the trick. Yes, I am very shallow. I wish I wasn't but I can't help it.

 

That's horrible. You led this girl on for 3 years because you didn't want to be alone? You're not doing her any favors by dragging it on even longer.

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rproblems Member

rproblems

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That's horrible. You led this girl on for 3 years because you didn't want to be alone? You're not doing her any favors by dragging it on even longer.

From your response i can tell you didnt read the full post. I didn't lead her on. I was hoping that I would mature and find that me finding her personality attractive would lead to me finding her physical being attractive. That didn't happen, this is why I am at a crossroads. A more important flaw in your response is that it isn't I that doesn't want to be alone; I am perfectly fine with that. It's that I don't want HER to be alone.

 

AND I was infatuated for the first year and maybe even then some after that. So I am not figuring that into the equation.

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rproblems Member

rproblems

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Like what i said to @crederer I was in lust for the first year of our relationship, and after that, usually I realize that the girl has a crappy personality and I get bored and end it. But, with this one, we connect on that level. Which I realize is more important, but i really dont think it can work without a mutual physical attraction. Im not giving her what she wants, and she isnt giving me what i want. Whether selfish or not. Other guys would find her very attractive, i just have picky taste, whether i can afford to or not is another question that I wouldnt be able to answer because i am not very vain.

 

Also, my family fell in love with her fast and vice/versa. I like to help people, I feel for them (which is hypocritical in this sense somewhat), so I didnt/dont want to turn her back to her ****ty family who doesnt care about anyone else but themselves, she would have no where to go and doesn't really have any friends as support either. She would essentially be screwed if we broke up.

I appreciate your honesty. I agree with a lot of what you had to say, including the part about our relationship being "twisted". It is. This is why something needs to happen. Thank you for the positive criticism and heartfelt advice. I appreciate it greatly.

janedoe67 Established Member

janedoe67

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I would say that leving her would be the most loving thing you could do. I know what it is to be with someone who "loves" you but doesn't "want" you. It hurts....a lot.

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mammasita Established Member

mammasita

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Out of curiousity - do you even know what your ideal physical is?

man_in_the_box Established Member

man_in_the_box

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Whether selfish or not. Other guys would find her very attractive, i just have picky taste, whether i can afford to or not is another question that I wouldnt be able to answer because i am not very vain.

 

Is it like she's really not up to your standards or 'just not enough'?

 

I know the feeling - although in my case it was because of a swift and significant weight gain. Sucks and shallow but yeah.

 

The burden of ending it seems so much worse because you literally have to tell someone they're not good enough (yeah you can lie about it but they'll probably see right through that).

ConstantVoyager Established Member

ConstantVoyager

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You're basically lying by omission to your girlfriend every single day.

 

You need to round up your courage and have an honest conversation with her. Lay all the facts out.

 

She'll take care of ending the relationship for you.

Juventa2012 Established Member

Juventa2012

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Like what i said to @crederer I was in lust for the first year of our relationship, and after that, usually I realize that the girl has a crappy personality and I get bored and end it. But, with this one, we connect on that level. Which I realize is more important, but i really dont think it can work without a mutual physical attraction. Im not giving her what she wants, and she isnt giving me what i want. Whether selfish or not. Other guys would find her very attractive, i just have picky taste, whether i can afford to or not is another question that I wouldnt be able to answer because i am not very vain.

 

Also, my family fell in love with her fast and vice/versa. I like to help people, I feel for them (which is hypocritical in this sense somewhat), so I didnt/dont want to turn her back to her ****ty family who doesnt care about anyone else but themselves, she would have no where to go and doesn't really have any friends as support either. She would essentially be screwed if we broke up.

 

Ok. I get what you are saying. This also brings back some sad memories. I was that woman and I felt like a lot of what you describe here sounds like my ex's behavior. Sorry to be so analytical, but when a person "cares" about another person they are not "grossed" out by the thought of kissing them. Does she have bad teeth, bad breath? Are you grossed out by her lips or is it just that you "don't feel it" because kissing is more emotional?

Honestly, he never told me the truth, just kept up the behavior and I finally ended it with him. I think you should tell her the truth and exactly how you feel.

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rproblems Member

rproblems

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Out of curiousity - do you even know what your ideal physical is?

I do, I have a pretty good idea of what it is I want physically. I have had girls that had everything I wanted physically, but not at all what i wanted personality-wise. They didnt last long because I got bored and annoyed. The situation is just the opposite with this one. I pretty much let her choose me, I think that is where i went wrong. Maybe the idea of finding a girl with a great personality that matches my physical wants is too much to ask? I feel like it might be, but I am also still young (in my 20's).

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rproblems Member

rproblems

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You're basically lying by omission to your girlfriend every single day.

 

You need to round up your courage and have an honest conversation with her. Lay all the facts out.

 

She'll take care of ending the relationship for you.

That is very true. It's the "round(ing) up the courage" part that is extremely hard to do.

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rproblems Member

rproblems

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Ok. I get what you are saying. This also brings back some sad memories. I was that woman and I felt like a lot of what you describe here sounds like my ex's behavior. Sorry to be so analytical, but when a person "cares" about another person they are not "grossed" out by the thought of kissing them. Does she have bad teeth, bad breath? Are you grossed out by her lips or is it just that you "don't feel it" because kissing is more emotional?

Honestly, he never told me the truth, just kept up the behavior and I finally ended it with him. I think you should tell her the truth and exactly how you feel.

I appreciate the analyzing. That's kind of what I'm looking for. Maybe "grossed" was the wrong word. It more just... feels wrong. I genuinely care about her, but its like... I care about her well being, I want to protect her, and I want the absolute best for her, whether or not that means me being in her life. It is kind of like how i would care about a best friend or a family member, that doesnt mean i want to make out with my best friend or family member. Does that make sense?

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rproblems Member

rproblems

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Is it like she's really not up to your standards or 'just not enough'?

 

I know the feeling - although in my case it was because of a swift and significant weight gain. Sucks and shallow but yeah.

 

The burden of ending it seems so much worse because you literally have to tell someone they're not good enough (yeah you can lie about it but they'll probably see right through that).

I'm not gonna say that I am better looking than her or anything, because I am very insecure, although when I tell other people that I am insecure they can not understand how i could be, still... my insecurities tell me otherwise. But i do have very high standards, and i am still fairly young (in my 20's) so i feel like i can afford to try to find the girl that has everything that i want.

 

That last thing you said:

The burden of ending it seems so much worse because you literally have to tell someone they're not good enough (yeah you can lie about it but they'll probably see right through that).

 

That is exactly what I have been going through for the past 2 years. I guess I am just a coward. Either that or I just care too much that I cant bare the thought of her devastation.

acrosstheuniverse Established Member

acrosstheuniverse

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I didnt/dont want to turn her back to her ****ty family who doesnt care about anyone else but themselves, she would have no where to go and doesn't really have any friends as support either. She would essentially be screwed if we broke up.

 

You cannot stay with somebody just because you feel sorry for them and you feel like they will be left in a bad position if you leave. Imagine how she'd feel if she knew that this was part of the reason?

 

Look, when my ex left me last year I WAS screwed, he left me in a flat I couldn't afford alone (so I had to leave and sofa surf), his entire family turned their back on me (who I considered family too), my mother had died less than two years prior of a horrible death, and I was sick (still am, but better managed lately). And I had a terrible family situation too, and had grown to see his family as my own.

 

I pulled myself together, got my **** sorted, got a room in a shared house, and dragged myself slowly back to normality even though it was the worst pain I'd ever felt. Am I glad my ex left me? Yes. Because I'd NEVER want somebody to stay with me out of pity. I'm so glad that he trusted in my ability to take care of myself and treated me like a big girl rather than sticking it out when his heart wasn't in it.

 

And btw, if someone ever mentions that they'd end their life if you left them, that totally is emotional manipulation, always. Otherwise, how could they know the circumstances? How they'd feel and cope? Where their life would be? To even say something like this to your partner is terrible and leaves you feeling trapped and as though it'd be your fault if she did something to harm herself. Listen to me: when somebody makes an attempt on their own life, it is their choice, their decision, it can never be anybody else's 'fault' (barring the most extreme cases where somebody tries to kill themselves on the back of years of abuse and mental torture, that sort of thing... then you could say the abuser was implicated, in my opinion).

 

You have a right to be in relationships that you want to be in and you don't owe her staying with her just because of her background. You're clearly not happy with her and you need to leave her if you think there's nothing she or you can do to change that. You're young, you're right: you still have the opportunity to meet the right woman for you that ticks all the boxes.

 

I don't think a single man or woman on this board would say that they'd rather a partner stayed with them out of pity when they didn't want marriage and kissing and having sex with them 'felt wrong'. The kindest thing you can do is let her be free to find somebody who feels the same way about her as she does them. All the best.

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kiss_andmakeup Established Member

kiss_andmakeup

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You need to overcome your cowardice and end this.

 

I have been in a similar situation (although I am female), so I understand how difficult it can be. But that's no excuse. I think you know exactly what needs to happen.

man_in_the_box Established Member

man_in_the_box

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That is exactly what I have been going through for the past 2 years. I guess I am just a coward. Either that or I just care too much that I cant bare the thought of her devastation.

 

After 1.5 years I was at the brink of throwing in the towel (2.5 years relationship, 1st year was good). It was not only the declining sexual attraction but her personality also gradually took a turn for the worse. Later on we realized this was depression. I felt like I was throwing away my young years on a relationship that made me unhappy. But on the other hand I felt extremely crappy for wanting to leave a person who was obviously at the bottom of the pit so to say. Double-edged sword.

 

Before it was too late she turned things around and that gave me some hope for the relationship. Now we are almost 2.5 years further and pretty happy.

Juventa2012 Established Member

Juventa2012

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I appreciate the analyzing. That's kind of what I'm looking for. Maybe "grossed" was the wrong word. It more just... feels wrong. I genuinely care about her, but its like... I care about her well being, I want to protect her, and I want the absolute best for her, whether or not that means me being in her life. It is kind of like how i would care about a best friend or a family member, that doesnt mean i want to make out with my best friend or family member. Does that make sense?

 

Yes, it does. I felt like my ex acted like he was my best friend more than a boyfriend. And maybe he never passionately kissed me because "it just didn't feel right" to him. Thank you so much, it makes so much sense to me now! My ex would always say that "he cared" about me. I wish you luck but I also hope that you are completely honest. That probably would help her with closure. Something I never got.

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