Disrespectful girlfriend!!!

[MrBossMan]

Ok, so me and my girlfriend are both in our mid twenties. We've been together for over 2 years. Normally, she's very sweet and has this innocent, fun, child-like demeanor.

 

We've had some issues around the midway point of the relationship where she would have difficulty controlling her anger. She was still in school and having a stressful time and it seemed that she would cope by taking it out on me. At the worst point, she was having an intense emotional meltdown about once every 2-3 days. She'd imagine that I was a bad person. Sometimes, I would say something, and she would reword it or add her own negative interpretation of what I said and attack me for what she imagined.

 

But since then, it only occasionally happens, which is maybe twice a month. But here's the thing... it keeps happening. Last week, we were going to meet up where I was, and she called me to let me know she was 15 minutes away.

 

She was walking toward the building I was in, and she asked me on the phone if I could talk to her on the phone until she comes. I said yes, but I might have trouble hearing because it was loud where I was. I hear no reply, so I say, "hello?", and look at my phone. The call is ended. So I text her if she hung up on me and she says that she needed to talk to someone, so she called her best friend. I realized that she thought that by saying that it's loud, that I didn't want to talk, so I explain to her that I did want to talk. No reply, no apology. She just changes the subject.

 

???

 

Later, she's acting all EXTRA lovey-dovey, and telling me how I'm the perfect man and that I'm patient and kind and that we'll be together forever, etc.

 

Anyway, the last issue we had was about 2-3 weeks ago. She called me late one night while she was about to go into her building and she suddenly got upset because she saw her sister's boyfriend's car parked outside. She said that she's going to just take a walk around the neighborhood (this is late at night and she lives in an infamously bad neighborhood). I tell her that I think she should just go inside because it's not safe, and she replies: "Shut up! Just shut up!" and that I'm paranoid, etc.

 

I'm on the verge of blowing up on her, but being a self-controlled guy, I calmly reply that she shouldn't disrespect me. She tells me that this is how she is and that she'll probably tell me to shut up again sometime in the future.

 

When her anger subsides a few minutes later, she apologizes (like she always does) frantically, as if she's reminded that I'm the only guy that stuck with her for over a year without it being an on-again/off-again relationship.

 

I got some advice recently that I shouldn't ever stay with someone out of a sense of obligation, like I owe it to her. I'm getting tired of it. She wants to protect her angry, emotional side as a part of her, but I have to constantly be changing myself. She even compared me to her MULTITUDE of exes, saying (no lie) that there are "kings" walking around that used to be with her, and that they were amazing in almost all areas, and never "abused" her like I do. (Yes, and I'm sure all of her relationships ended beautifully)

 

I'm going to have a serious talk with her and try to reestablish some boundaries, and if that doesn't work, then maybe I should end it. This is my first serious, SERIOUS relationship, so I really don't want to do that.

[MrBossMan]

If that post is too long, I'll shorten it:

 

1. GF is usually sweet, but has anger episodes.

2. Recently told me to shut up a few weeks ago for nothing.

3. Hung up on me the other day for nothing and admitted it.

4. Compares me to her MANY exes (they're real men who take care of her, unlike me)

 

(Additions to the post above)

5. Wants me to be loving unconditionally, even when she misbehaves.

6. Gets WAY, WAY, WAY more upset if I make any attempts to explain myself during her anger episodes, and is unable to hear reason either way.

 

...but she's usually nice.

 

How do I deal?

[fujidabruin]

Hey MrBossMan,

 

You probably need to just ask yourself what kind of relationship you are looking for long term. If it is a nurturing, understanding relationship based on clear and considerate lines of communication... are you getting that now??? and is she the type of person that you can achieve what you want with???

 

She provides you with some kind of fulfillment for now, but if this is your first serious relationship maybe you haven't even experienced the type of fulfillment that can get you thru good times and bad without questioning your relationship. The red flags that are there will very, very likely not change (EVER) and you should not try to change the other person. So just ask yourself what you really want. If you do not see it happening with this girl then move on..... cause it is out there for you somewhere

 

Good Luck dude

[CptSaveAho]

If that post is too long, I'll shorten it:

1. GF is usually sweet, but has anger episodes.

 

Yawn... go hang out with a friend during these times of her being emotional

 

2. Recently told me to shut up a few weeks ago for nothing.

 

(Quit being a pussy) Slap her or dump her

 

3. Hung up on me the other day for nothing and admitted it.

 

Dont answer a phone call respond to a text from her for at least 2 weeks... look for a new girlfrend in the mean time

 

4. Compares me to her MANY exes (they're real men who take care of her, unlike me)

 

I personally would break up with a girl that had MANY ex's.. obviously she can't be alone and her definition of "REAL Men" is skewed

 

(Additions to the post above)

5. Wants me to be loving unconditionally, even when she misbehaves.

 

Loving her unconditionally involves setting consequences to her actions of misbehaving and enforcing them

 

6. Gets WAY, WAY, WAY more upset if I make any attempts to explain myself during her anger episodes, and is unable to hear reason either way.

 

Duh, learn to shut up and not listen to her, go to a restaurant and order a steak dinner and drink a beer and wait for her to return to reality

[crederer]

She probably has some sort of emotional issues (depression, manic, was raised in a home where this was tolerated). You're the easy target for her because she assumes that you'll be there so she is comfortable with you being her punching bag. She probably does not talk to her friends this way, and she probably bad mouths you pretty heavily to them too as a way of justifying in her own mind why she treats you with such disrespect.

 

It's not likely going to change, especially if she doesn't get help. And even then I'd be surprised, to be honest.....

 

I'm speaking from a point where I've had plenty of experience with several different girlfriends and female family members. Honestly, the patterns I see with her are shockingly similar to many instances I've seen.

 

If you decide to talk to her about it, I have a feeling she'll get very defensive and throw something in your face (i.e, well if YOU want ME to do 'x', then YOU need to do 'y'. You're not exactly perfect, either! Your actions cause me to behave this way").

 

I got rid of the girlfriends but it's more difficult for me to get rid of family members.

[ascendotum]

Like crederer, I've experienced this with gfs, family members and seen my 'nice guy' type friends deal with with it with their gf/wives. I don't have much tolerance for it now. especially this shyte...

 

"Gets WAY, WAY, WAY more upset if I make any attempts to explain myself during her anger episodes, and is unable to hear reason either way."

And

"Sometimes, I would say something, and she would reword it or add her own negative interpretation of what I said and attack me for what she imagined."

 

You did pretty good to not blow up when she was having a meltdown every 2-3 days. I couldn't put up with that anymore. The last time I was living with this, I ended up pulling the same anger outbursts, moods swings, exaggerating events crap on her, so I could give a dose of of her own medicine and keep her on her toes. That makes for a pretty dysfunctional ****ty relationship, that's not worth continuing.

 

My instinct is to say boot her (if the sexes were reversed I would say the same) if she's continually being disrespectful, but its not a total write off relationship. the good points are:

* Seems she apologizes pretty soon after incidents.

* The phone call walking to building incident was no big deal imo.

* Getting told to shut up is not that disrespectful. More of a spur of the moment outburst.

* she's very sweet and has this innocent, fun, child-like demeanor most of the time.

* Outbursts happen twice a month now...well lots of guys get it once a month with pms.

 

Seems like you already come to right conclusion with having a serious talk to her, though you have a frownie face over it. Regularly putting up with disrespectful moody distorted interpretation of incidents BS warrants least 6 frownie faces for me. Try and save the relationhip by having a serious discussion with her about this matter. And this talk about her exes being so wonderful and you so bad...tell her she can stow that shyte, otherwise she should act on it and go knock on their doors to ask them to come back.

[Assasda]

This sounds like someone I was once in a relationship with.

 

I think if she's angry and just wants to vent, DONT TALK, just let her vent all of her illogical anger out, but WHENEVER, WHENEVER she disrespects you, do not stand for it, even if she backs down a little.

 

If she is anything like the girl I know, she'll get vulnerable, and you'll almost feel guilty for it.

But Always stand up for yourself. If she hangs up on you, do not call her back. Try to get the sweet side of her out more

[Dusk1983]

Another guy trapped in the relationship from hell with a BPD basket case.

[ThatMan]

As suggested, I think your girlfriend should consider enlisting the aid of a trained professional, but you should as well. How you are choosing to behave is also unhealthy and there's another way. Being a self-controlled guy is very different than what you are portraying yourself as - it sounds almost like codependency. Relationships aren't about laying down getting ready to just deal with it while being treated this way. Get help immediately. You are the common denominator from one relationship to the next. You can end a relationship but you'll still continue to be there because you cannot run away from yourself. Since this is your first serious relationship it is very important to actually bring in a sane perspective of what relationships should entail. I think there are a great number of benefits in therapy and I believe you stand to gain a great deal.

 

I'm going to try to teach you a few skills which may help you throughout the rest of your life.

 

 

• Idealization.
  

When other people idealize us to an extreme we are essentially witnessing an emotional swing. Sometimes people idealize us to an unhealthy extreme and we should recognize when this happens. We all idealize new spouses and relationships in some small way. We believe that our relationship is the best in the world, and that we're perfect for each other. It's normal to idealize a little bit during the honeymoon spark of a relationship until it transitions into a slow burning flame. But this is unhealthy when a person idealizes you with what could be described as a child-like fantasy setting. Rather than appreciating who you are a person, they couldn't care less who you are and they only value a fantasy. Sooner or later they'll realize that you are only human, that you are not a real living fantasy, and the dream will shattered. You can depend on the fact that you'll be treated poorly once this happens. In normal relationships there should be no fantasy. Your spouse should appreciate who you are. This unhealthy idealization is very alluring and overwhelming, but it does swing into the other direction and into devaluation. You'll be held to the lowest possible opinion. You should expect to be treated accordingly once this happens. Nobody is a mind reader, but you can still look out for yourself.

 

How accepting is this person of faults and quirks?

We all have them.

 

Do they expect certain things from you, such as taking away all of their personal problems, and living happily ever after?

Happiness is something that comes from within. You cannot give a person the gift of happiness - you can only give them an awesome relationship.

It's impossible to force a person to feel happy. If your spouse expects the impossible out of you, what then?

 

 

 

• Personal Boundaries.
  

Boundaries aren't to be confused with rules. This is where a lot of people do not understand what a healthy boundary is.

 

Basically rules are about someone else and boundaries are about us.

An example might be:

Rule:

You will not speak disrespectfully to me.

Boundary:

If I am spoken to disrespectfully, I will leave until the conversation can continue respectfully. I welcome the opportunity for us to continue talking once you are ready.

 

What boundaries do you need to re-establish?

Why don't these boundaries already exist in your relationship?

Edited October 14, 2013 by ThatMan

[MrBossMan]

Ok, I've read what each of you said. I'm going to have that stern talk tomorrow about boundaries and see how it goes.

 

Thanks, guys.

 

If anyone else wants to add something, please do.

[Pod81]

Like everyone else said, stand your ground and don't let her get away with her tirades (as long as it's not justified). I've actually dated a girl JUST like how you described. I let her know I wasn't taking it anymore and took a break from the relationship. She STILL had temper issues so I broke up with her and never looked back. Think about it - if you ended up with this girl, how would you LIVE with someone like that? Especially if you combine the temper with the stresses of personal finance, raising children, career, PMS, menopause, etc? That is NOT something you want to deal with.

[Emilia]

When her anger subsides a few minutes later, she apologizes (like she always does) frantically, as if she's reminded that I'm the only guy that stuck with her for over a year without it being an on-again/off-again relationship.

 

This is it OP. There is a reason why some people aren't able to maintain stable relationships. This girl clearly has deep emotional problems that will not go away until she seeks some kind of help. That help shouldn't come from you.

[KatZee]

She even compared me to her MULTITUDE of exes, saying (no lie) that there are "kings" walking around that used to be with her, and that they were amazing in almost all areas, and never "abused" her like I do.

 

Really? At what point are you going to say, "ENOUGH" ?

 

This chick has no clue what boundaries are, so I'm pretty sure your "boundary" talk isn't going to work.

 

Also, I'm not even sure why she bothers apologizing anymore. Her apology means nothing because she KEEPS doing this, and KEEPS disrespecting you... along with openly stating she WILL disrespect you again in the future.

 

You = doormat.

 

That's how she sees you. She's free to do whatever, say whatever, act however, treat you however... and there you are. Sticking by her side.

 

She's your first relationship. I guarantee you're going to have a second, and even a third. I wouldn't waste one more second on this a.sshole of a girl.

[soccerrprp]

1. GF is usually sweet, but has anger episodes.

2. Recently told me to shut up a few weeks ago for nothing.

3. Hung up on me the other day for nothing and admitted it.

4. Compares me to her MANY exes (they're real men who take care of her, unlike me)

 

(Additions to the post above)

5. Wants me to be loving unconditionally, even when she misbehaves.

6. Gets WAY, WAY, WAY more upset if I make any attempts to explain myself during her anger episodes, and is unable to hear reason either way.

 

...but she's usually nice.

 

How do I deal?

 

What? Deal with all this nonsense. Personally, you shouldn't. If these things are reoccurring, then that is it. This is the woman you will have for life. Up and down, rude, incapable to handling stress, anxiety w/o blowing up on you. THIS IS THE GIRL YOU HAVE AND WILL HAVE IN THE FUTURE.

 

She has many exes?!?!? I wonder and perhaps you should wonder why that is. Did she push them away with the same behavior? Did she, after a while, eventually allow her insecurities start to take control? Anyway, this has been happening on and off for a year and that is not good. You need to have a talk with her about how this bothers YOU.

 

People often stay in bad relationships b/c they remember or become very myopic with the "s/he's USUALLY nice" image of their partner, but utterly fail to take into serious account the times, repeated, when s/he is nice and makes life miserable. Eventually those miserable times, however infrequent, wears down a person and unhappiness slowly creeps in.

[todreaminblue]

if she really wants to eb with you she will work on her anger management issues, i think you have been extremely patient with her, if she doesnt listen to reason when she is angry then she needs to calm down first so you can speak with her ......i dont know if a short fuse can be changed but it can be recognized and strategies put in place.....when you need to have a discussion if she recognizes triggers and avoids talking before thinking then maybe that might help just a little..........

 

 

 

 

i think comparing any guy or woman to an ex is a mistake saying it to hurt someone even more so.....as far as exes being kings...sounds a bit manipulative...she is putting you down......you could have easily said something hurtful in reply about them being exes...but you chose not to I gather, so you have restraint ...she does not.........

 

 

 

 

that isnt fair on you at all, considering you are the one standing by her, as i said, i think you have been extremely patient with her....you are under no obligation to keep trying........and most guys wouldnt......you do what is best for you...because at the moment she isnt doing the best she can by you so you need to do that for yourself.....what she wants isnt as important because she is failing to meet you half way or respecting what you would appreciate in the way you are treated.....apologies are good but only if they are meant and you try really hard not to repeat what you have done to hurt or disrespect another........good luck ....deb

[GorillaTheater]

Another guy trapped in the relationship from hell with a BPD basket case.

 

I hate to jump on the BPD bandwagon too quickly, but it's a thought that occurs to me from time to time. And this is certainly one of those times. From my very imperfect perspective on the signs of a Borderline Personality Disorder, she seems to be exhibiting at least most of them.

 

And even if she's not a BPD'er, does it really matter? Bail.

[Emilia]

I hate to jump on the BPD bandwagon too quickly, but it's a thought that occurs to me from time to time. And this is certainly one of those times. From my very imperfect perspective on the signs of a Borderline Personality Disorder, she seems to be exhibiting at least most of them.

 

And even if she's not a BPD'er, does it really matter? Bail.

I don't think it's BPD, she doesn't appear to use the classic self defense mechanisms such as splitting and withdrawal from intimacy after sex (fear of engulment) but you are right, it doesn't matter. She has major issues.

[soccerrprp]

I hate to sound harsh, but I frankly don't have ANY time or patience to incorporate someone into my life that is going to make it more stressful for me. If I feel that you have some mental issue or otherwise that will undermine my happiness, it's over before it's begun.

 

Dealing with exes is enough crap, but to have someone who can't or won't get their act together is too much.

 

You need to let her go if your long-term happiness is important to you.

[bubbaganoosh]

It comes down to this. The woman feels that she can say anything she wants to you and expects you to sit there and take it. She has no idea that it's disrespectful and lacks maturity.

 

My first wife was like that. She would get pissed and say really ugly things, stay mad for three days then when she cools down, expects everything to go back to normal. That gets old real quick. People don't understand that once those words roll of their tongue and hit the other persons ears, it's too late. To make matters worse they tell you that that's the way they are, accept it.

 

My advice to you is this. Next time she shoots her big mouth off, walk away. If she tries to talk to you after, let her know that she either starts taking control of her tongue and voice box and thinking before she opens her big mouth or she can find some other patsy to pick on. Let her stew in her own words because I'll bet the house that she's one of those people that have no problem dishing it out but can't take it when someone does the same thing to her. All in all you don't have to take it and I promise you, one day she's going to cut loose on someone and she going to get paid back in spades and maybe she'll learn her lesson.

[soccerrprp]

To make matters worse they tell you that that's the way they are, accept it.

 

Ugh. I've heard this so often. As if anyone should ever accept any kind of abuse b/c "that's just the way I am" is crazy. Some people have strong personalities and I get it, but come on....any kind of abuse should not be tolerated.

 

Again, so many, especially ladies, take sooo much crap from guys and remain in relationships for years only remembering the times when he didn't treat her like crap, but far too often dismiss the times, however infrequent, he treated her like total crap....aargh.

[Keenly]

Any woman that hinted or implied that I was abusive or that her exes treated her better would get one free trip to single land from me. If they are better go be with them.

[simsim]

Haha, omg, reading your post stirred up a LOT of memories for me...my first boyfriend was EXACTLY like that. He just seemed to have no problem snapping at me and being completely disrespectful. Then he would apologize and be so sweet and 90% of the time he was great. But that **** wears you DOWN. Like you, I am extremely emotionally self-contained and rarely if ever need to "vent" or "blow up" (yes even at that "Time of Month!")

 

I promise you, since this is your first girlfriend you don't even realize how great you can have it, OP!!! Personally, I think you should dump her STAT because she has lots of problems and you can't be the one to solve them. I dealt with the guilt when I dumped my BF because he always was so sweet after fights and would tell me he loves me so much for putting up with him. Well guess what, I now know what a healthy relationship is like and I will NEVER deal with ANY sort of mood swings....EVER again.

 

Don't be a doormat, you're SO much better than that!!!

[MrBossMan]

Thanks, everyone, for your advice so far. I've read and considered every reply.

 

I'm going to talk to her about it and let her know that respect has to be upheld no matter what happens. I've never hung up on her, I've never called her names or told her to shut up, I've never compared her to any other woman I've dated to make her feel inadequate, and I've always been self-controlled as far as my anger and emotions go.

 

I'm just treating her the way I'd want to be treated. Yeah, this changes now.

 

Thanks guys. I'll be sure to update you afterwards.

[OnlyHonesty]

Ok, I've read what each of you said. I'm going to have that stern talk tomorrow about boundaries and see how it goes.

 

Thanks, guys.

 

If anyone else wants to add something, please do.

 

I'm afraid that stern talk will not make a lasting difference. It will either make a difference for a few weeks and then she will go back to her usual self or it will not make any difference at all.

 

Each time you demand respect, you lose more of it, each time you have that talk re adressing boundaries, you widen your own ones. Your girlfriend has made it clear her future intentions of being rude and disrespectful and you are still with her. Once she is certain you are afraid to walk, she knows she can act how ever she wishes and she will and it will escalate.

 

As far as I am concerned, your best option is to dump her and go no contact and after working on your self esteem, find someone who will never talk to you the way she did or find no one and just enjoy the single life.

 

I know how difficult this is concerning dumping someone you truly care about so I do not say this lightly. When you need to have a talk to your partner about boundaries more than once or twice then it is time to say goodbye. As far as I am concerned, she has had more than enough chances.